Son going off the rails and I don’t know what to do plus school property damage.

[Merrybandofpirates]

I don’t know what to do. My youngest has just recently turned 13, and is in 2nd year of high school (Scotland).
He used to be a model child, but over the last 6 months or so he has become so disrespectful and rude, and thinks he is always right so won’t listen to anyone. It is always punished - immediate removal of phone, decide, TV, day out cancelled etc. Endless talks about how rudeness and disrespect impacts other people. He won’t listen. He is still top set for everything so thinks his way is working fine.

It’s the same in school. Really disrespectful to teachers, dismissive when told off. I didn’t know about most of that until today when I was called into the school about something bigger.
They have a rule of not being allowed into their registration class until the bell rings, especially as their registration class is one of the science rooms. Apparently he and his friends have been ignoring this rule and going in anyway. I didn’t know this - all found out today. The deputy head has wanted them a dozen times, and they’ve continued to go in before the bell. Today, my son and his friend were teasing another friend. It’s been confirmed that this was just usual teasing amongst the friends and silliness, not bullying. I’ve ignored that and am treating it as if my kid was bullying as he clearly took it too far.
The other kid often pushes and shoves “for banter” so, as my kid was teasing him, he started back and shoved mine against the sink and was pushing him over into it. During this, the tap was broken and water started gushing. This is the worst - the boys all ran and didn’t tell anyone. The floor flooded, soaked down to the ceiling below and water started going down there into a computing suite. The ceiling tiles came down. I don’t know the extent of the damage in each room - I don’t know what’s been damaged in the science room, or how many computers have been ruined below or what the extent is of the structural damage. It only happened this morning. I’m back in tomorrow for a proper chat about it all.

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve backed the school fully, whatever they want suspension wise and consequences and punishments. He’s had all privileges lost at home, and will be doing extra chores and work etc. But it all seems meaningless. What do I do?

I’m also terrified about the repair bill, so that terror is clouding how I deal with him. I’m a single parent. I work but get UC top up. Every penny is gone very month. I don’t know how I’m going to pay this repair bill. The school haven’t mentioned it but once they know the extent of what’s been damages and how many computers need replaced… I feel like something is gripping my chest and I can’t breathe over the stress of how to pay this, and then I feel awful as it’s my kid, I need to pay and I should only be caring about sorting him out.

Sorry - this is just a long ramble as I’m in a bit of shock.

Oh no that sounds awful OP. I'm so sorry.

If hes a good boy at heart and cares for you then perhaps this will shock him into behaving more responsibly. Especially if he knows how terrified you are of the potential financial cost to you of his actions.

The school will be insured as to the damage hopefully so try not to panic.

I could see in his face that this was definitely a shock. First thing he said to me when we left was something like, “you were right about everything about my attitude, if I’d followed the rule about staying out the room then this never would have happened”
And we’ve discussions in depth why he would ignore a rule made by the deputy head, and he just said that he didn’t see the point in it but he now sees that everything I’ve said about how he ignores people when he thinks he knows better was right and his disrespect has consequences. He hasn’t stopped crying. But I don’t know how much of that is lip service or just shock. I don’t know if he actually cares.

I’m sure the council do cover the repairs but then I’d expect to get a bill after it’s all done. I assumed this would be my responsibility to pay, and I’m utterly terrified. There isn’t much more to cut back on.

I’ve spent their whole lives making sure they eye disadvantaged by being from a single parent house. That they were able to achieve everything, loads of attention, homework help, extra curricular like every one else. And he has still turned out like a disrespectful selfish boy.

You won't get charged for repairs. The school will be insured for exactly this sort of thing.

He sounds like he's gone off the rails a bit. Are his friendship group like this generally? If yes, getting him into sport may help broaden his social group. After school sports groups e.g. a swimming club is a great way to learn discipline and gain a good set of friends.

Is his father involved or any wider family to support you?

i am sure insurance will cover it but it does sound like the consequences have hit home. it does sound like he has begun to see why rules are made; to protect people and property.
when you go for the meeting it is best to be honest. tell them how you have been trying to correct his behaviour and how this incident really made him realise why he was told not to enter the room before the bell
i am sure your son has just got in with a group who perhaps are all trying to find his way. teens are a funny time for kids with hormones etc.
perhaps this will make him re think his behaviour and friends

He plays chess with a lovely group of very nerdy kids, he plays in a championship brass band, with mostly girls and quiet boys so again, very lovely group. He goes to water sports club - kayaking and paddleboarding - and those kids are a bit more crazy but all seem nice. And he goes to climbing lessons with other active, funny kids. All these clubs are away from our local town so he has formed friendships with kids who have no connection to here and they all seem great.

His friends at school seem to be getting a bit more “lad” like than I’d prefer. And one other club he goes to is a gaming/dungeons and dragons thing and one kid there who he has formed a close friendship with is apparently awful. I found that out on Saturday when chatting with another of the mums. He is a real problem and the club was almost cancelled due to that kid so I actually told my son that that friendship was over on Sunday. Not had any time to see if that was part of the issue or will make any difference.

He sees his dad every second weekend but there is no discipline over there, and I’ve tried. I can’t even get their dad to stick to a bedtime so every second Saturday, he stays up until 2/3am. Their dad also never admits fault and never apologises and I’ve seen that have an impact on the boys. But there is nothing I can do about him, other than correct the kids and explain to them all the time when it comes up.

You talked about punishment, but you can't solve this with punishment alone. He's not doing this for lack of consequences.

Has he ever had chance to talk to someone about his dad, his dad's lack of care?

Has he any other male role models?

And does he do any activities with adults, either you or other people?

You can ask school to move him forms to separate him from the troublesome kids.

Talk to school not only about consequences but also about positive support they can give.

Can I also suggest something like air cadets, sea cadets or army cadets? It's structured, disciplined and routine. Something he is lacking from his dad.

I have to be honest that I'd be considering moving his school or at least telling him you're considering it with everything you've said here. He's got some lovely connections elsewhere and some really wholesome activities. You're doing amazingly. He sounds like a good kid but pressure to fit in is huge.

We live kind of rurally, so there’s only really 2 schools covering several towns.
The other school is considered “wild.” He is at the good one, so I’d be really reluctant to move him. And I feel such an ass saying that seeing as my kid is one of the ones causing issues now.

He was a good kid. And has such a variety of interests. He was doing high schools maths whilst still in primary - the high school sent a teacher down to teach him once a week at primary. He is very bright, and I fear he is simply going to waste it by behaving like a thug in school, or by disrespecting his teachers and having them hate teaching him.

To answer the clubs with adults - he plays in the adults team with the chess club. Does the training with kids and adults but then goes with the adults team for matches against other clubs. And the band also does a lot of work alongside the adults band in the same organisation, so again lots of opportunities to interact with adults. I am taking up climbing as he has been signed off the climb solo at the centre, but needs an accompanying adult as he is under 14. Once I’m signed off I a couple of weeks, we’ll climb together (with his older brother). That’s if I can afford it - a bill from the school will end the climbing.

I don’t think you will be charged for repairs. If families were expected to pay, to be honest, it probably would result in teenagers sorting themselves out and learning to grow up and take responsibility for themselves! No treats or Christmas presents would probably focus his mind a bit on the free education and all of the opportunities he is lucky to be given. Kids in poor countries would be so envious of the opportunities he has, and from the sound of it he’s rude and entitled.

Schools often rely on help towards the cost of their maintenance from the PTA or parents who volunteer their trades during the summer holidays. Perhaps your son and the other culprits can volunteer some labour to help contribute to the school community and make things good. It isn’t right that kids are just obnoxious users of services. Doesn’t set them up for real life at all.

When they asked for me to take him home today, I asked if we’d be if better use cleaning up the science and computing room where I could supervise him, but it wasn’t allowed due to safety etc. (oh no! At least, I think I did. I was so shocked that I may have just had that discussion with my son and he’s said it wouldn’t be allowed as he talked about it. I don’t know! I’ll bring it up again tomorrow.) But I don’t think they’d accept him doing anything like that.

The primary school always got the PTA in to do the gardening and painting and everything but the high school have never done anything like that. I agree that they should, he should be made to do some sort of restorative work or volunteer work on the school.

I did lose my rag a bit in the meeting today and think I even said something like “no wonder so many teachers are leaving when they have to deal with this. They want to free school you, and you’ve thrown it in their face.” I’m not quite sure what else I said, my face is a bit hot thinking about it. The deputy head said to my son that he had planned to have a talk with us both but “your mum had pretty much said everything I was going to say” and then we talked through a bit more of the stuff I had no idea about - his sort of low level bad attitude things. More tomorrow on that and ways we will implement changes with him. But I don’t know what else to do at home. Feel at a total loss.

[post edited by MNHQ to remove RL name]

My eldest disrespected me exactly twice. I gave him a bollocking the first time and a smacked arse the second time. There wasn't a third.

I wouldn't be twatting about with kid gloves consequences like removing privileges. He clearly doesn't care about privileges. Say goodbye to any savings he has, it goes toward the repairs.

If you can't afford tv anymore or Internet, or his phone contract, that's on him. Sit him down, show him exactly how little is left every month and that you work all the hours possible. Explain how much these things cost and tell him they will be cancelled as the money will be needed for the damage he caused.

Also worth explaining the age of criminal responsibility and that he can end up with a record for criminal damage and google what the possible sentences are. Overegg it a bit. Lay it on thick because in a few short years, he will be a legal adult and this behaviour will start to have serious consequences. You don't want to end up with a little thug.

And if they hit you back? Violence is never the answer and yes it is violence.

Personally, I don’t think you should rush to make him feel better about any of this or let him distract himself with his phone or gaming or whatever. You talk about how you have always wanted to ensure he’s not gone without. Well, that doesn’t just relate to giving him nice things and boosting his self esteem, it relates to helping him learn to accept hard lessons and become the mature man you know is in him. It wasn’t just a failure to follow the rules. Running off leaving that tap and not alerting anyone is how the damage has been caused and the sort of thing a young child does. If it were my son, I’d be explaining that I expect him to be brave and sensible enough to fix things like this at the time.

In fact my 5 year old tells me about damage she has caused. So this is really very immature and this is the thing you really need to hammer home. It won’t get him anywhere in life.

Did all of that already. Including explaining exactly what a criminal record would mean - limited ability to travel, no getting involved at school if he had kids etc. Already told him exactly what would be cancelled to pay for repairs. Done it all.

Certainly won’t be hitting my children though. We don’t do that in Scotland.

I’m not sure which part of any of my posts had made you say that I’m rushing to let him off with it and allowing him to distract from it with gaming and phones? Or where, in anything I’ve said, I’ve indicated that I’ve tried to make him feel better about it?

When I talked about making sure he didn’t suffer for coming from a single parent household and always had the same support as others, I meant in relation to the statistics which show boys from single parent homes don’t perform well at school or in extra curriculars. I didn’t say anything about buying him nice things.

It feels like you just want to stick the boot in and are making things up to tell me off for, instead of reading what I’ve said and offering some actual help.

How long you been separated?
Ask for some family therapy sessions. Or something for him. Art therapy ? School counsellor?
maybe he is processing things differently now he older.

From before he was born.

@Balloonhearts

He is also 13, a foot taller than me, about twice my breadth. Not really sure how you think hitting him is going to go?

‘I’ve spent their whole lives making sure they eye disadvantaged by being from a single parent house. That they were able to achieve everything, loads of attention, homework help, extra curricular like every one else. And he has still turned out like a disrespectful selfish boy.’

It was this part of your post that made me think that, to date, you have been operating from a position of wanting to protect him and bring him ‘up’ to the level of a more advantaged kid. Which is understandable. My advice is to be on guard about this and not let this protectiveness cloud the way you approach this life lesson to your son. None of us want to make our kids unhappy or make them feel like shit people. But he’s missed out on a lesson on accountability somewhere along the way and he’s learning that now. So my advice is not to let your protective instincts override this and be too soft on him right now in a ‘hey son, you’ve had a hard background and maybe this stems from your dad’ way of thinking (I know you didn’t voice this. Personally I would counsel against this thinking as it just displaces the responsibility). Let him sit with the feelings and grow from this so that next time he makes a mistake he will alert someone to the issue causing the problem (the tap) because he knows it is better to fess up than cause this whole level of problem.

Council won't cover repairs it will be out is school budget or insurance

Don't engage with that, it's not a sensible suggestion and wouldn't help.

It’s not sticking the boot in. You mentioned his difficult background and how you have compensated for it, so I referred to that in an attempt to help you because he’s not yet learnt how to take responsibility for his actions. Don’t be too soft on him’ and ‘don’t allow him to blame his actions on anyone except himself’ is my advice on how to grow his maturity and accountability.

OP you sound like a great Mum.
I know how furious I would have been if this was one of my dc, but 13/14 seems to be peak age for this sort of behaviour , larking around in a careless and stupid way that ends up having consequences they haven’t foreseen. So it isn’t all that unusual. They are very focused on their peer group and trying to look as though they don’t care.
He is clearly intelligent, so hopefully he will think about this and change his behaviour. I don’t think he is going off the rails, but I understand that you want to nip this in the bud to ensure that he doesn’t.
Two things - doing some stuff that helps him gradually grow up (he is still really young but obviously in three years will be 16) so anything that involves helping others, either elderly people, or people less fortunate in some way. This gives good skills for adulthood in the future, and helps with gratitude and perspective.
Secondly is he getting bored at school ? Does he need some extra support there to fulfill his potential ? You could take him to look at some universities in a year or two, even now, so that he can think about what he may want to do in a few years and have goals to work towards. Maybe engineering ? Go talk to some outreach people at Oxford or Imperial and get him thinking about how it might suit him, even though it’s a while away yet. Also the science lectures at the Royal Institution are amazing. Worth a trip to London if you can get tickets.