Son going off the rails and I don’t know what to do plus school property damage.

[Merrybandofpirates]

I don’t know what to do. My youngest has just recently turned 13, and is in 2nd year of high school (Scotland).
He used to be a model child, but over the last 6 months or so he has become so disrespectful and rude, and thinks he is always right so won’t listen to anyone. It is always punished - immediate removal of phone, decide, TV, day out cancelled etc. Endless talks about how rudeness and disrespect impacts other people. He won’t listen. He is still top set for everything so thinks his way is working fine.

It’s the same in school. Really disrespectful to teachers, dismissive when told off. I didn’t know about most of that until today when I was called into the school about something bigger.
They have a rule of not being allowed into their registration class until the bell rings, especially as their registration class is one of the science rooms. Apparently he and his friends have been ignoring this rule and going in anyway. I didn’t know this - all found out today. The deputy head has wanted them a dozen times, and they’ve continued to go in before the bell. Today, my son and his friend were teasing another friend. It’s been confirmed that this was just usual teasing amongst the friends and silliness, not bullying. I’ve ignored that and am treating it as if my kid was bullying as he clearly took it too far.
The other kid often pushes and shoves “for banter” so, as my kid was teasing him, he started back and shoved mine against the sink and was pushing him over into it. During this, the tap was broken and water started gushing. This is the worst - the boys all ran and didn’t tell anyone. The floor flooded, soaked down to the ceiling below and water started going down there into a computing suite. The ceiling tiles came down. I don’t know the extent of the damage in each room - I don’t know what’s been damaged in the science room, or how many computers have been ruined below or what the extent is of the structural damage. It only happened this morning. I’m back in tomorrow for a proper chat about it all.

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve backed the school fully, whatever they want suspension wise and consequences and punishments. He’s had all privileges lost at home, and will be doing extra chores and work etc. But it all seems meaningless. What do I do?

I’m also terrified about the repair bill, so that terror is clouding how I deal with him. I’m a single parent. I work but get UC top up. Every penny is gone very month. I don’t know how I’m going to pay this repair bill. The school haven’t mentioned it but once they know the extent of what’s been damages and how many computers need replaced… I feel like something is gripping my chest and I can’t breathe over the stress of how to pay this, and then I feel awful as it’s my kid, I need to pay and I should only be caring about sorting him out.

Sorry - this is just a long ramble as I’m in a bit of shock.

Sorry OP. Sounds bloody tough. Is his dad around? What’s he said about it?

I echo what PPs have said, they’ll likely be covered by insurance but for that type of damage I wouldn’t be surprised if he got excluded. And that’s probably why he’s crying - he realises how much he’s fucked up. Not just the damage but ultimately he’s going to have to leave his friends behind.

Kids just don’t get excluded in Scotland. It doesn’t happen. We’ll be looking at suspension, but even that is very very unlikely. We have a huge issue with violence in our schools and kids are simply not suspended or excluded.

There is always a slim chance of suspension and I’ve already given my support of that to the deputy. He said he wouldn’t do it but the ultimate decision is with the head and he was at a head teacher’s meeting with the rest of the council’s heads today so I couldn’t speak with him.

Good luck, you’re doing great by the way!

His dad’s reply was to echo my opinion on supporting the school but that his phone was dying and he couldn’t charge it so will get back to me later. Will probably hear from him tomorrow but he won’t be at the school for any meetings. I do all that.

Ok thanks. it's just a super similar thing I remember. Obviously was someone else. Hope things improve for him and you x

You have an avantage here because young e taken it seriously and the school know you are. The DHT clearly was impressed with your rant at your DS!

Another piece of good news if this could just be puberty. Usually boys around 13/14 have a horrific 6 months to a year where hormones rules their behaviours and it affects some more than others. By your description of his size and height I’d say he’s going through that.

Good kids generally will come out the other side (your ds has shown remorse and so the hold kid he was 6 months ago is still there).

I think telling school he needs to do jobs around school to “pay” for the damage is a good idea.

Just be careful to make sure that this complete idiotic mistake remains a mistake and if he shows change in his behaviour as a result it’s recognised. Don’t allow the past few months to define who he is or he’ll start to think that’s who he is and behave worse.

Kids are prize pratts at times. But they usually turn it around once they realise consequences can be huge.

(Ex) school science technician here - with a name change.

Ive had 2 taps do just what happened to your son - accidentally. They do just shear off - the maintenance guys were astounded at how smooth the sheer was. Obviously fighting will speed things up! Likewise not telling anyone!

Yes, the mess is indescribable. BUT its just water. Ceiling tiles are easy to replace. Water can be mopped up. Things dry. It sounds like the computers are the likely long term damage. And, yes, even with immediate response, we got water in the room below. Even science techs and maintenence teams dry off!

While I totally agree it is a great time for your son to reflect on his behavior, please dont stress too much about the impact on you. Guilty faces and sincer apologies went a long way in appeasing people.

😂 he won't get excluded, it's almost impossible to get excluded in Scotland. This won't even scratch the surface, unlikely to even result in a suspension.

You list for the school is great op! They'll like to see you taking ownership and working with them. But I'd also be asking why the classroom wasn't locked, they boys shouldn't have been there, but all classrooms should be locked regardless to prevent exact scenarios like this, especially when they've already had issues with the boys going in the room when they shouldnt.

Don't listen to people who tell you to use violence as an educational tool. It's only used by people who can't control themselves and teaches children that if you are bigger you can hurt someone who's smaller. And it will result in hypocrite children who are polite on the surface but have plenty of resentment building up inside and just cover up their vile acts carefully if any.

You sound like a wonderful, intelligent and emotionally mature person/mother. I am so sorry that your son misbehaved. He's only 13 so not a lost cause. My DS1 was at his absolute worst btw 13-14 when hormones were raging. Not saying that as an excuse, but to tell you that there is hope for your son to turn out just fine. Please don't despair- kudos to you for giving such a rich life to your dc while being a single mum- I hope he realise one day what a chance he has to have you as a mum!

This is potentially a good thing, jujitsu is great as it's a holistic idealogy about the whole self & control. If the logistics work, you could at some point ask your son if he fancies it.

If your partner is a solid influence it's something to consider, but I absolutely respect your decision that your choice is not theirs. I was different as my 2 DC were very young when I introduced my partner (4 & 6) & in the tricky teen years he was an established step-dad. He has been a stable, strong man in their lives who has never replaced their father, but been a brilliant extra (I'm lucky that their father is also great).

It's hard going, but you're doing so well.

FFS, you are the first to reply to the post. Please, for the love of god, don’t copy the post in your reply!! 🙄😭

Oh do shut up. Sometimes it just happens. Just try and live with the upset it so obviously gives you.

Cant stand this sort of rude post policing.

You can’t stand rude post policing?

How … ironic. 🙄

You dish it out expect the reply.

No suspension, nothing on his permanent record. What a relief. It feels like it’s given us the space to work on his behaviour and attitude without a huge black mark following him around.

He is on a behaviour plan, has had to make 4 commitments and have each of them ticked off everyday by each teacher across the 7 periods of the day. Detention will follow the next day if he falls too low on those ticks. There are a few other things expected and for him to work on but it was a productive conversation and the head teacher is happy with how we dealt with it yesterday and won’t take it any further. He just wants to look forward and get my son into a better happier place at school. We’re also going to address his current issue of not eating, he’s been skipping lunch, and some other things that have popped up which are showing that he is clearly really unhappy at school and they don’t want him developing a full eating disorder or any other problems as he progresses.

So, much calmer today. A plan in place and commitments from him, and no huge lasting black mark.

@Merrybandofpirates So happy to hear. Tell him that you BELIEVE in him and that you think he is capable of great things in the future.

You sound like such a lovely mother!

That’s a very nice step forward. Lovely to hear :)

Re eating.
something else to keep in mind. Bring hungry often becomes hangry….

Do you know what are the other things that make him unhappy at school?

Great update. In my experience a behaviour card works so well to focus a pupil, but as soon as they have a few weeks/ a month of excellent behaviour & are taken off of the card, behaviour can drop again. Try & negotiate a longer trial/ a different focus afterwards, like a teacher mentor he sees once a week.