Anyone else feel judged for being single and childless in midlife?

[Morry15]

Im 51. Never married, no children. Was engaged once about 15 years ago. Tried for a baby, many miscarriages, didnt work out and we split. He had met someone else towards the end of our relationship and she fell pregnant so he left me. I was devastated at the time but ok now. I digress.

Im currently renting. I own a small apartment in another part of the city that I rent out which for the moment works for me but I am thinking about moving into it. I couldn't move into it previously due to work location.

I tried Internet dating recently and have had some interesting conversations. One conversation got my thinking (I dont think the guy was being mean). He said 'dont you want to settle down and sort your life out'.

I work full time
Pay my own bills
Have a small group of friends that I enjoy spending time with
Am house proud
Have 2 degrees
Independent and try not to bother others

I responded with 'I am settled and my life is sorted' . He apologised. He said it came out wrong.

I know I'm not married or have any children but sometimes feel like a 'loser'. Maybe this is more my issue than anyone else's.

Not sure what I want from this thread. Just putting thoughts down.

I would never think this of the situation you describe.

It sounds like he thinks a man is essential to be settled and sorted, which is nonsense!

I know lots of people who have decided not to have kids too, it doesn’t make them any less sorted or settled in life either.

you are a success... a decent and resourceful human being, with educational and financial achievementsl way above the national average. You have good friends and sound balanced and thoughtful. With or without children, women witj these attributes are ' winners'. The random men you meet on dating apps are not the final arbiters on this!

You are not a loser. Enjoy your life.

I'm single, divorced once, no children, don't own a house and currently living back with my mum, I feel like a failure and I'm sure some knob on online dating would love to point it out to me, but he'd be given a short shrift if he said anything.

However this is my thoughts about myself and I actually don't think it's anyone elses opinion of me (apart from the OLD knob)

Honestly I think most people are so focused on themselves they don't actually have a lot of headspace to judge others, well not in real life but possibly on here (and OLD)

You are not a 'loser' OP 💐

I think it’s your issue, sorry, and he has triggered something in you, although he was quite clumsy in what he said. 2026 women don’t need to be married and have children in fact they say marriage suits men and the happiest women are single. We’re all so conditioned to society’s labels which are nonsense

Maybe stay off the dating apps and try and meet someone more organically.

I felt judged and also out of place when I was younger, because I didn’t have children. But now I know people of both sexes and all ages who do not have children, for many different reasons. I think it’s a very worrying time for parents now. I don’t know if I’d have been a good parent

Thank you for the replies. Yes, as @LondonMum2026 states, I openly admit that its probably my issue.

I dont know why its triggered me. Food for thought.

@Morry15- sometimes people just hit a nerve I find and I’m 50s too so I feel I shouldn’t be bothered by other people’s opinions anymore but I am. Chat gpt is good to work through this kind of thing. ❤️

When people say things like this it's much more about them. It's easier to hear these things if you can hear the implicit "I" within them.

He was really saying he felt his own life was not sorted out.

There is a Mners without children forum where you might find more support.

You sound like a pretty ace person to me! I think it's very odd to judge someone by whether they have a partner or children. It's an odd measure of 'success' . My favourite Uncle was single and didn't have children of his own - he was much loved in our family and by his friends. He didn't have a high powered job or lots of money but he knew how to have fun and he was kind and funny and took care of himself and also my Granny when she was old. I think that's a successful life! At his funeral, my five adult sons were in floods of tears, they adored him ❤️

Any idiot can have children or get married. And they do.

I dont know if there are unresolved, underlying issues from ex fiancee and the crap fest that was all about at the time. I couldn't make him a father so he left and found someone that could. It made me feel horrible. My sister told me at the time, hes not looking for a partner in life he just needs a functioning uterus.

You're of an age where, if you had kids, they'd be independent anyway so not something you'd be 'doing with your life'.

You sound supremely successful and there could be miriad reasons you don't have a partner or children, it's not something to question you about or judge you on.

This made me laugh.

You should be proud of what you’ve achieved ! Don’t let anyone diminish your achievements

Oh God, reading some of the relationship threads here would put you off ever sharing a life with a man ever!

I mean what's nicer than your own freedom and independence, nice home with no patriarch either messing it up or telling you how to run it. Own finances, freedom to do what and when you like without having to plan it out to be fair to both sides, and so much more.

I live alone and it's not going to change. I'm too comfortable as I am and quite frankly I couldn't bear anyone sharing my perfect peaceful happy place.

Being coupled up is not for everyone.

I think it’s understandable that it triggered you op. It’s never nice to hear someone (even flippantly) suggesting your life isn’t what you want it to be or what it should be.
there is validity is the choice to not have kids and even though you wanted them and couldn’t have them, does not mean your life is any “ less”.
sounds like you have a good life that you enjoy which is a great thing.

I do read the posts sometimes on how let down women are by their partners etc and I do wonder if im cut out to ever share my living space with a man again.

I am in a yoga club and about 50 - 60 % of the female members complain about their partners. One actually said to me once I was smart not to hitch my wagon to any man. This was not by choice though, its how my life has worked out.

I'm not yet midlife, but I regularly get, "Have you met anyone yet?" (No), "Have you bagged yourself a rich farmer?" (No, I'd rather be the rich farmer!), "Don't you think it's time you put yourself out there and got a boyfriend?" (Erm, no, because puberty forgot to make me want to be in a relationship and I'm dead inside on that front, I would struggle to make time for a boyfriend, I've seen how marriage has worked out for some of the women in our family, and I tend to attract controlling men, so I have no need for one of those).

I am the family failure for not settling down with a local boy, getting married, buying a house in the village where I grew up (and where I can't go out without bumping into someone I'm related to), having two children, sending them to the same schools where I went to, and living there happily ever after... but I've moved sufficiently far away (to a much nicer place) to get the non-stop novelty of privacy and independence, I have a house that comes with my job, and aside from certain people who make my life difficult at work, I'm fine. The amount of people who are shocked because I'm not in a relationship, I'm unmarried, do not have children and have absolutely no intention of moving back to where I grew up is ridiculous!

I also have a friend who is also the family failure. She doesn't even want children (shock, horror to her family!), but I'd say that she's doing well for herself, and I like her very much, because she is excellent!

I am probably the opposite, married with kids etc. Most of my social circle are also married with kids. However I have genuinely never heard anyone refer to a person in your situation as being a loser, I think most people believe it to be a life choice or circumstantial. Often people are envious. The exception is my MIL who sometimes laments them my SIL never 'settled down' ie got married. She is 86 and has a different outlook. Not once did it occur to me, my Dh or his other siblings that SIL is anything other than an independent single woman just living her life.

I have many single childless friends. They are all busy, independent and happy. The are so many ways to live life, not one path that we all have to take.

You (and your friend) sound fab! I too moved to the other side of the world and have a life in the UK but thats all insignificant cause you know.....

Of course you're not a loser. Having children isn't an achievement, it's just being in the right place at the right time. It sounds like you've made a good life. Just live it the best you can for you, not anyone else.

I’m also single with no children, and I’m fine with it. Luckily my two best friends don’t have children either so I don’t feel left out - although they are both settled in long term relationships.

I do sometimes feel like an outsider at work because everyone else is coupled up with kids, but they’d never be rude enough to say anything like that to my face.

I thinks attitudes are changing (slowly), but many people still see being single as some sort of failure in life.