Anyone else feel judged for being single and childless in midlife?

[Morry15]

Im 51. Never married, no children. Was engaged once about 15 years ago. Tried for a baby, many miscarriages, didnt work out and we split. He had met someone else towards the end of our relationship and she fell pregnant so he left me. I was devastated at the time but ok now. I digress.

Im currently renting. I own a small apartment in another part of the city that I rent out which for the moment works for me but I am thinking about moving into it. I couldn't move into it previously due to work location.

I tried Internet dating recently and have had some interesting conversations. One conversation got my thinking (I dont think the guy was being mean). He said 'dont you want to settle down and sort your life out'.

I work full time
Pay my own bills
Have a small group of friends that I enjoy spending time with
Am house proud
Have 2 degrees
Independent and try not to bother others

I responded with 'I am settled and my life is sorted' . He apologised. He said it came out wrong.

I know I'm not married or have any children but sometimes feel like a 'loser'. Maybe this is more my issue than anyone else's.

Not sure what I want from this thread. Just putting thoughts down.

The work element is so true. I get asked
to work late or unsociable hours as I have ' no responsibilities and noone waiting for me at home'

All the PPs are absolutely right that you're living a successful life and are not a loser. But I do validate your feelings about what this guy said. I was single and childless in my late 30s, and in a successful career with lots of wonderful friends and hobbies, I travelled, had my own house, and savings. I'd been in long and short term relationships and had lots of sex.

I felt sufficiently weighed down by my own judgement of my situation, and the feeling that I hadn't got there unless I had a husband and kids, that I made decisions I might not have done 5 years earlier. We can be our own toughest critics.

Honestly OP, nothing he said makes any sense.
Even if you were evaluating your life from a very stereotypical (and ridiculous) viewpoint of what a 'normal' or 'successful' life is like - you've ticked the vast majority of the boxes, you're 51 so it's not as though you could have kids now even if you wanted to, and the fact you were literally on a date with him suggests you were at least open to starting a new romantic relationship rather than being completely wild and free and frolicking off to a greek island to shag the local fisherman. So it's not really clear what more you could feasibly have been doing to 'settle down.'

So basically, he was talking utter nonsense, as he admitted himself. Ironically I bet if you'd nodded enthusiastically at him and said 'Yes! In fact let's go get married right now!' that would also have marked you down as crazy in his eyes.

Basically women can't win. Yes, perhaps some people do judge you for being single and childless in mid life, but if you were in a relationship people would judge you for either being too enmeshed and co-dependent, or for sticking with him if he'd treated you badly. You'd be judged as unfeminist for not making a partner do an equal share of the chores but also judged as a nag if you spent too much time trying to make him to so. And if you said fuck it and let the house get messy you'd be judged for that too.

If you had kids you'd be judged as an uncaring mother if you'd carried on working, but your colleagues/managers might simultaneously judge you for not having as much time to devote to your job. But if you gave up work to be a SAHM you'd also be judged for not contributing financially to the household, giving up your independence and not being a good career role model to your children. You'd probably also be judged for not seeing enough of your friends due to the time you spend on your kids.

People are also probably judging you both for renting and being a landlord.

So, really, let it wash over you, because no matter what you do someone will be judging you!

It came out wrong.
You ate sorted.
If you meet someone great but don't compromise or lower your standards.

X

Firstly, you're not a loser.

Secondly, having a child does not define you.

Enjoy your life ♥️

What @latetothefisting said. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I am single, no kids. Occasional pangs of wondering if I should have tried harder to meet someone but the concept of ‘settling down’ is just bollocks. I am settled: own my house, full-time job.

I suspect men like your date think that women can’t survive without a bloke whereas the reality is quite different. I’d probably turn the question back on to him and ask what he thought he could add to my already busy and interesting life?

N, I don’t feel judged. I know I might be judged but what I don’t know won’t hurt me!🤣 I am actually proud of myself, I’m single because I absolutely refuse to date dickheads and I work in a school so don’t meet loads (or any!) men! I would never do internet dating, it’s just not for me! I have my DD, pets and lovely friends and my health, I am emotionally and mentally resilient and like my life just the way it is. If Ricky Gervais knocked on, I might be interested but otherwise, I’m having a lovely life. Some of my friends have great, equal and fun relationships but there’s a lot that, if you scratch under the surface, they’re there for financial reasons or can’t be arsed to change their life so live unhappily.

My god this sounds like the dream! I'd love to have these circumstance lol. I do love my family but I envy that you have something that I will never have and it doesn't sound like a bad set up at all. Enjoy!!xx

This post too made me laugh. My good friend phoned me once and was sitting (or rather crouching) in her pantry as she was hiding from her family as she'd had enough.
She actually called me to ask me what i was doing. I was cooking dinner at the time and getting ready to watch a movie on TV after having cleaned the apartment so everything was all lovely and comfortable. She said that was her idea of bliss.

Honestly I don't see people judging women like you (not saying it doesn't ever happen or denying your experience, but I see people judging single mums, or more rarely dads, who have kids with no partner, and especially judgment towards blended families, or anyone who has a child but gets benefits-on any sort of post from One Born to Benefits Britain, that is the type of judging, and I'm definitely not saying it's ok to judge anyone!)

You’ve achieved a great deal, and you should be proud of yourself. You’re not a loser.

I'm married, have no children. I’m still going through ups and downs with my health and in life, but I try not to dwell on the negatives and focus instead on the good things.

I’m a single parent but they are almost adults. I’m not seeking a relationship. I get a lot of “what’s the point of your life now they are grown” comments, and recently got sympathy for it being “so sad” that I’m taking a solo holiday.

I don't see that it is your "issue". It is a bizarre thing to say.

I responded with 'I am settled and my life is sorted' . He apologised. He said it came out wrong.

What did he mean? If he meant not having a partner, well, you're on a dating site! You can't magic up children, particularly now. So was he suggesting you should have a mortgage?

The latter is all I can think, or he is exceptionally dim, or was a hopeful golddigger looking to cocklodger at your place and be kept in style.

I mean it’s true.

I honestly think sometimes people worry about single people being lonely… despite being told said single people are happy. They just don’t get it.

The same way some people who are childless by choice, don’t get the immense joy being a parent brings to others, despite it being hard work.

People are just different. Different things make us all happy. And that’s good!

Not necessarily! I’m 54 and have a 14 year old at home and still very much needing parenting!

OP, I’m married with a child, and I guaranteed you’re winning at life more than I am.

I think he meant at my age, he found it unusual that id never craved that path. I explained that I was engaged for many years and it didnt work out (I didnt go into the details of the miscarriages and infidelity). To be fair, he did apologise for his choice of words.

He was married in the past and told me his ex wife had her wedding planned from the age of about 18 (even though they hadn't even met yet). So I think he found it strange that I was nothing like that. I dont know. Im just speculating.

it quite literally is for me too lol. 😂😂 pre kids I was just a fun aunty and loved going home to my tidy house and having a full night sleep. My sister's kids are older now and they have their lives back and I'm in the trenches 🥲. can't wait for the kids to be older so I can enjoy a holiday and not have to get up before bloody 5am. 😭

I think you sound fab, OP and you should be very proud of creating such a good life for yourself. I do think society judges and I understand why you feel as you do. There are centuries of cultural programming that a woman's only purpose was wifehood and motherhood and this does not vanish overnight. In truth there have always been single women without kids - convents were pretty full back in the day and some of them were centres of intellectual activity. I am married with no kids and also struggle with sometimes feeling like a failure because I failed to create the conventional happy family (never mind often it is not that happy). Objectively, this is not the case as I have had a highly successful career, an OBE and other awards, two degrees and a very good level of financial security. Every now and again I encounter someone (usually a male family member with let's say slender achievements of their own) who tells me none of this counts and I can't really be happy or fulfilled because I have no children. Even typing it out makes me realise how ridiculous it really is. You have done brilliantly well in life OP and if idiots want to judge us, let them.

Read this over and over again OP.

You’re not a loser and he’s just coming from a different background and it came out wrong.

@Morry15

I think you’re response to him was spot on! (I’m presuming no second date though? 😂)

You’re not alone, but you are probably still in the (now growing though) minority. Disney has a lot to answer for too!

Life doesn’t always go the classic, traditional way, for a range of reasons.

Sure, sometimes we grieve what we don’t have because it is not always by choice, however, there can be plenty of situations you can be very glad you also don’t have! And there are enough threads on here over and over again to remind you of that if you need it.

You are doing fine, OP!

Actually there is going to be a second date. He did apologise as soon as he said it and wasn't an idiot about it for the rest of the meet up. He hasn't mentioned it since. Besides that comment, the rest of the evening was very pleasant.

Let's see how date 2 goes. I am on high alert though in case there's any other life shaming comments made.

Thank you for the replies. Theyve picked me up loads.

Honestly, I know exactly what you mean.

I married late and had children late - both in my 40s - and before I met DH I did have this sense of slightly arrested development. My parents treated me as a child in a way that they wouldn’t have if I’d been with DH: telling me off for scratching my own car and tidying my house for me.

So while I would like to say no of course not I agree with you.

Good for you OP, you'll know soon enough if he's genuine and was a just a bit clumsy with his words.

Hope it goes well

I could have written this myself.

I’m happy and that’s all that matters. But I am also mid 40s now so I think people have stopped asking those types of questions (about whether I’m having children etc)