Anyone else feel judged for being single and childless in midlife?

[Morry15]

Im 51. Never married, no children. Was engaged once about 15 years ago. Tried for a baby, many miscarriages, didnt work out and we split. He had met someone else towards the end of our relationship and she fell pregnant so he left me. I was devastated at the time but ok now. I digress.

Im currently renting. I own a small apartment in another part of the city that I rent out which for the moment works for me but I am thinking about moving into it. I couldn't move into it previously due to work location.

I tried Internet dating recently and have had some interesting conversations. One conversation got my thinking (I dont think the guy was being mean). He said 'dont you want to settle down and sort your life out'.

I work full time
Pay my own bills
Have a small group of friends that I enjoy spending time with
Am house proud
Have 2 degrees
Independent and try not to bother others

I responded with 'I am settled and my life is sorted' . He apologised. He said it came out wrong.

I know I'm not married or have any children but sometimes feel like a 'loser'. Maybe this is more my issue than anyone else's.

Not sure what I want from this thread. Just putting thoughts down.

I have a bunch of single friends in their mid late 50's.
I would say they are surrounded by jealousy more than anything.
Without exception they look amazing, own their lovely homes, have successful careers, are constantly going here and there, can play all the tennis/golf competitions in the region because they have to answer to no one but themselves about their free time.

They are loved by their friends and all their nieces want to be like them, rather than their exhausted juggling mothers!

Several haven't dated in years because they cannot be arsed and just aren't pushed.
They certainly wouldn't ever dream of living with a man, they love their own space.

Did he definitely mean it about being married/having kids though? It could have been about you currently renting and not owning a house. That seems like the more likely reason if there is no additional context to what he said since in this country there is a big emphasis on home ownership as a measure of stability/success especially for men of that age (assuming he is the same age as you. I know that therefore that should also apply to you but I'm not saying it's not everyone who thinks like that). Younger people are less likely to see property investment as THE way to save money/build wealth. A less charitable interpretation of his comment is that he was potentially eying you up as providing a place to get his feet under the table. But that's probably unfair.

It also doesn't make much sense to say "don't you want to settle down" meaning find a partner/children since presumably you are open to a partner if you are on a dating site and asking a 51 year old if she wants to have children is quite odd and insensitive.

People can be judgemental about single and childless women. But if it's an area of sensitivity to you that might be because you have unresolved regret/sadness (completely normal) maybe coming out as shame/embarrassment (no justification for this). So maybe it's worth exploring why you felt so certain he was judging you for not having children

If he was clear about it being a comment over your relationship and family status then ignore all the above!

The main thing is your own happiness - no one else can work that out for you, so their opinions don't matter. We all do things we are proud of, regret and might do differently but you are settled and happy, which is the best result anyone could hope for. Try not to get caught up in the "what ifs" unless you really do want something to change, then figure out what that is and make moves towards it.

Sounds like you've made the best out of the cards you've been dealt - & that's definitely to be applauded, especially in today's bonkers world. Well done you!

You are very successful and not in any way a loser. I am older than you but my friendship group includes quite a few women in your (and my) age group who have never married and do not have children. It is not something any of us ever comment about in a negative or curious way. They all take an interest in the offspring of those of us who have them which i greatly appreciated when I went through some stuff with my adult child.

Ah fair enough.

Yes, defo have the critical/judgemental radar activated. At least he had enough awareness to realise and apologise!

Have a lovely evening.

I dont think he was referencing the rent status. I do own an apartment, however I rent it out as it works out better that way with my work situation. We didnt discuss property etc. He only asked me where I live (as I did him) so I also have zero clue on his home situation either.

I suspect he just meant at 51 why have I never married or had children and wouldn't I have wanted to settle down at some point (when having kids was feasible).

Anyway, I was telling a friend of mine the story and she referenced alot of what the PPs have said about looking at my achievements. She said that not many people could have moved from the other side of the world (NZ) to the UK on their own at a very young age (I was 23) snd made a life for themselves with no financial, mental, emotional or practical help from anyone. 😊 Yeah me!