Struggling with being the only one responsible

[StarsDust]

My ex ended things with me and hasn’t seen the kids since. I’m really struggling to see the positives tonight.
He gets to carry on with his life as if the kids dont exist. I imagine he’ll probably be out drinking tonight because it’s the bank holiday, while I’m sat here alone on the sofa, like I am every night.
I know people will say “at least you have your kids” or tell me to be grateful. I love my children but that doesn’t mean it’s easy being the one who is always here, every single day, with no break and no one else to share the responsibility with.
Sometimes I look ahead and think, is this really going to be my life for the next 10, 15, 18 years? Just sitting in every night, with only my own thoughts for company, while he gets to live whatever life he wants?
I think that’s what I’m struggling with most tonight. It’s the sheer unfairness of it all. He gets freedom and I get the responsibility, and there’s a lot of time to sit and think about that when you’re on your own every night.
I’m just really struggling tonight. Cant even look at Facebook without seeing constant pictures of people enjoying the bank holiday weekend whilst im sat alone. I genuinely admire anyone who enjoys this day in and day out and wish I did but sadly it’s a real struggle.

Aww honestly I’ve been where you have and remember the feeling well. My ex walked out when my DS was 2 and I honestly couldn’t see how I was going to cope. In the early days I used to be the same - seeing other people living happy lives and me not imagining that ever again. I used to hate days out/park/activities where it would be just us and surrounded by 2 parent families, it hurt so much. But I can honestly say once I got used to the “new normal” I loved it! It was so freeing being completely in charge of how I ran my home, no one to check in with, answer to, one less person to clean up after.
how old are your DC’s? How long has it been since he left? It honestly won’t feel this way forever

Sorry I didn’t mean for it to sound like early days because it isnt, just annoyed me tonight as the holidays have been long and stressful and the thought of everyone out enjoying themselves has been difficult

Well I have a partner whose job in healthcare takes him out of the mix for holidays, weekends, school times, late evenings all sorts.. so the finances are good, but it’s up to me.. They’re teens now, but all along .. me.. all the way.. plus although a good man, he can’t seem get his dishes into the dishwasher, etc.. Far away hills are not always what they seem…

Thanks im Not sure thats quite the same thing though

@StarsDust could you get a babysitter and go out with friends for a few hours, now and again?

I don’t have the money for sitters unfortunately. My ex does not contribute financially

Family members?

They would not look after my children

I've done the last 16 years on my own since ex decided our son was "woman's work". It isn't fair but in the end I'd far rather ds was safe with me

You don't say how old your dcs are. That makes a big difference. You need to forget about what ex might be doing. He's a selfish ignorant knob, and you wouldn't want to be like him. He became irrelevant the day you split.

As soon as ds was old enough to be left safely for an hour, I built more adult company into my day. Park Run on a Saturday morning? Found social things to do with work lunchtimes. Looked at how to make ds' activities more fun for me too.

I hope it gets better for you soon.

I do get what you are saying but part of it that gets me is there are no consequences. I want to see him punished and suffer as right now his life is probably great whereas I am so lonely I could honestly go insane from it.

Surely he should be contributing financially if he never sees them? Have you applied via CMS? He has to take some kind of responsibility for his children.
Do you work OP? Just wondering whether you get any time to be ‘you’ , rather than’DC’s Mum’?? You sound like you need more of a balance in your life which can be hard to carve. I wish I had more suggestions for you myself but am sure more will come…
Can you think of one thing that would make things feel better that you can do? Cup of tea/ coffee sitting quietly first thing in the morning ? Or after school drop off? Do you go to any groups with your children where there are adults to chat to?
15 mins to read or do a craft you enjoy?
If your children are school age, it is fine to show that adults might need a bit of a break. ‘Yes - I will do xyz for you when I have finished my drink/ two more pages etc.’
Really hope you find something that helps you - good luck x

Yes I work but it’s not the day thats the hard part, you can keep busy during the day, it’s the evenings when I’m alone and the silence hits.

Well, for a start, he can pay for his children, OP. Go to CMS.

Im with them, no payments are due

No emotional support? Doesn’t do anything when he is there? If he’s literally just provides money? You couldn’t rely on him in an emergency? If so then why are you still with him? If not then it’s not the same.

There's a lot of unfairness with being a mother unfortunately
How old are your children?

It's so hard, but try not to focus on your resentment towards him, it won't help you feel any better.

Try to focus on your life, your kids, your home.

Phone someone, listen to audio books, even call the Samaritans when the silence bad.

Find a home-based hobby to get into - any art or craft, cookery, gardening, obscure films - anything.

It is tough I was there too. Ex did have kids eow though so I did get a bit of respite although it was also hard when they weren’t there. I met dh 2 years later and now I’ve been married 18 years and the relationship with exh seems like a blip never mind the few years I was a single Parent.

I’d try to reframe evenings as time for you. You could have a bath, read, paint , watch a film. Try to find things you can enjoy at home and do them on a Friday/ Saturday night to make it feel more special. This is a good opportunity to learn to enjoy your own company if you can achieve that you will never be in a shit relationship again because you will know you can be happy alone.
Also my exh did every other weekend for a few years then dwindled off. I now have these amazing adult daughters who are great to be with who I see several times a month and talk daily with. They see their dad a few times a year and have a tolerant relationship with him. He might have thought he had the better deal at the time but he lost out in the long game.

Honestly I’d give anything for every other weekend to myself. Anything. I can’t find hobbies to do at home but there is only so much you can do for the next 15 years at home every.single.night. I can’t meet anyone, I’d love to, but not an option.

I don't understand how no payments are due?

There could be a few reasons, working cash in hand, not working or claiming anything, living off a partner/ parents.

Sorry, this was meant to be a reply to "Well I have a partner whose job in healthcare takes him out of the mix for holidays, weekends, school times, late evenings all sorts.. so the finances are good, but it’s up to me.. They’re teens now, but all along .. me.. all the way.. plus although a good man, he can’t seem get his dishes into the dishwasher, etc.. Far away hills are not always what they seem…" but the quoting didn't work.

It’s rubbish. It’s not the same as co parenting or having a crap partner.
I’d try and build yourself a village if you can so you can get some babysitters and to help with the loneliness. How old are the kids?

I'm widowed with an 8yo and a 10yo. So I get it. Solo parenting is a hard grind.