Am I unreasonable for wanting to stay home for Christmas?

[foodlovefood]

So the annual Christmas guilt trip has started again.

I’m 45, have no kids, live with my DP, and live over four hours away from my dad and brother by train, with two changes. My mum died five years ago. I also have a cat and work for the NHS. I’m lucky enough to have Christmas Day and Boxing Day off each year, but Christmas Eve can be part of my roster.

I moved away from home 24 years ago, and for around 21 of those years I travelled back home for Christmas because my parents expected us all to be together as a family. For years, that meant travelling on Christmas Eve after work and coming back on Boxing Day, often driving, and paying for cat sitters or an expensive cattery.

And honestly? I never really enjoyed it. We’d have dinner, watch TV and sit around in silence. There was no particular Christmas magic or quality time together. But I did it because it’s family.

Three years ago, I finally broke the habit. I had moved in with my DP and invited my family to come to us because, for once, I wanted to spend Christmas in my own home. Only my dad came. Understandably as my brother is split from his daughter mum and they share Christmas Day.

Last year, I stayed at home with my DP and absolutely loved it. No travelling, no rushing around, no expense, just a relaxed Christmas in our own home. My dad went to my brother’s, where he was with my brother’s new partner and her children, who apparently love Christmas. A huge house full of people is basically my worst nightmare, so I was perfectly happy staying home.

We met the following week, halfway between us, and had a lovely day out and lunch together.
Now the guilt trip has started again this year.

My dad says he wants the family together and keeps talking about getting older and mum not being here and it was her wish for us to be together at Christmas. I understand that. But I don’t think he understands what he’s actually asking of me. I invited him to mine, but he wants to be in his home as he is old.

I see my dad and brother roughly every six weeks anyway. We meet halfway, spend the day together, go out for lunch and actually do something. I’m not avoiding my family or refusing to see

Why does Christmas mean that I’m expected to spend a huge amount of time, money and energy travelling for one day that I don’t particularly enjoy, simply because that’s what we’ve always done?
I’m starting to feel like I’m being made to feel guilty for wanting to spend Christmas in my own home with my partner.

Am I being unreasonable, or is it okay to say that I don’t want to travel home for Christmas anymore?

It’s ok to prioritise yourself and what you want to do.

A day out / visit in the week before or after Xmas is completely fine. Maybe book theatre tickets or something to make that a bit special? Will your brother still visit your dad on Xmas day?

Just invite them to yours and if they don’t come, see them another time.

Stay at hoooome! I always do. Anyone’s welcome to join but I’ll be here.

It does look a bit like now your mum’s not there, you can’t be arsed to make the effort for your dad.

Sorry Dad, I’ve been put on a new team and I have to work every Christmas Day till 2049. Then it’s my turn to hve Christmas off.

or

Dad, I have spent the vast majority of my life having Christmas in your house with you. Now it’s time for me to have a few Christmas in my own home.

or

Just like you like your house dad, I like mine. I like my bed, my loo and my Christmas tree. I’m more than happy to meet halfway like we did last year and have a lovely day together

or

Dad, I just find it too sad without mum. Why don’t you just come to me?

or

No
I’m staying at home.

@HeddaGarbled this is unkind. In no way did I say I can’t be arsed. I just don’t want the pressure of travelling for 1 day. I see them every six weeks. Speak a few times a week in the phone.

@MJagain my dad will not be alone. He will bed with my brother.

But can you see how it might look to your dad?

What happens to your DP does he get a say in it? You say you go to your dads doesn’t he go with you? You could say you were visiting his parents this year if there are any? Personally I would just be honest with him tell him what you’ve said here re travelling etc . FWIW I’ve lost both parents and would give anything to have one more Xmas with them . Life is short

It's hard work when you live away, yet your family expect you to be the one to do all the travelling all the time,then lay on the guilt. I know. I'm going through this at the moment. It's bloody hard 😭

Your dad can be with your brother, so stay at home.

I think you and DP should go to your Dad's every other year

it is good to take turns
so it does sound like it is your turn to go to your dad's, or bring your dad to you

I don’t think there would be any turns. Suggested this. I have invited him to mine, but he won’t come. It’s not fair to travel at Christmas.

my DP is prefers to not travel. So if I go down he will stay at home.

I just don’t get the fascination for being together for this one day, where I see my family every six weeks.

The Christmas holidays span roughly two weeks so just arrange something another day. You can visit on New Year's Day for example. Toast in the New Year! Just an example....but enjoy Christmas the way you want it, in your own home. It's not a crime.

I dont know why you feel guilty tbh. You are an adult and your 'family unit' is you, your partner and your cat. Most people like to spend occasions in their own unit. Extended family is lovely, but it shouldn't be an obligation. I wouldnt go because it doesn't suit you at all. Just say you are sorry but you prefer to spend Xmas at home now and its not up for debate.

I think you going to your Dads is comfort for him because that’s what your did when your Mum was around.
I think you need to be honest and explain by Christmas your tired after work and want time off and let’s have a fun hangout like we did last year and even though it isn’t Christmas day you can make memories.
if that’s too much just explain that work now has moved you onto working Christmas and you can’t turn them down

But he's your Dad.

Your DP is very selfish imo

You can take turns even if your Dad doesn't want to. You and DP go every other year. It doesn't HAVE to be reciprocal

It is your choice.

What would be unreasonable is not saying so until very shortly beforehand. Saying it now or at least in September is being considerate.

It really really doesn’t! What a shitty comment!

I have tried to say this weekend. But went in deaf ears.

DP isn't being selfish. It’s his Christmas too and he wants to stay at home and would be happy to be alone.

We have divided in the past and I don’t feel the urge to spend it with DP. I like it, as our perfect Christmas ideas is the same. Food, chill and no pressure. we both just want to stay at home

Totally get this. When you find your own partner (have children) you want to start your own traditions. Parents shouldn’t make you feel guilty for it (especially as they broke from going to their parents for every Christmas too).

I don’t think you can be anything but honest. You have limited time off and you want your own downtime in your own home with your partner. You have to say you won’t be going over at Christmas as your family is as much your partner and your father and brother. You are starting your own traditions. Tell them you will go over on a weekend before and make it clear this is your “instead of Christmas”.

I'm totally with you OP. I do not understand why the "need" to see extended family at Christmas so heavily outweighs the need to do it any other time to the point that people must contort themselve to make sure no one is on their own.

Why is not seeing your dad on Christmas Day so much worse than not seeing him on a random day in April (for example)? Christmas was historically the only time that extended families could get together so a big deal but that's generally not the case any more. If you see your family every 6 weeks anyway, making yourself miserable to do so at Christmas is unnecessary.

Just tell him you are staying home for Christmas. He really loves being home for Christmas himself, so he should understand your need for the same.

Would it be enjoyable to find a nice hotel half way between and have a quiet enjoyable shared Christmas there? Obviously ignore that and stay home if you'd prefer. Why do you think your dad is so keen though? Is it the social expectation or something deeper like clinging onto memories of the past and how you all did things when your mum was around (even if they weren't that exciting at the time).

For my dad it’s social expectation. Staying in a hotel would cost lots and still have the cat to deal with.

although running away and escaping sounds great.