Am I unreasonable for wanting to stay home for Christmas?

[foodlovefood]

So the annual Christmas guilt trip has started again.

I’m 45, have no kids, live with my DP, and live over four hours away from my dad and brother by train, with two changes. My mum died five years ago. I also have a cat and work for the NHS. I’m lucky enough to have Christmas Day and Boxing Day off each year, but Christmas Eve can be part of my roster.

I moved away from home 24 years ago, and for around 21 of those years I travelled back home for Christmas because my parents expected us all to be together as a family. For years, that meant travelling on Christmas Eve after work and coming back on Boxing Day, often driving, and paying for cat sitters or an expensive cattery.

And honestly? I never really enjoyed it. We’d have dinner, watch TV and sit around in silence. There was no particular Christmas magic or quality time together. But I did it because it’s family.

Three years ago, I finally broke the habit. I had moved in with my DP and invited my family to come to us because, for once, I wanted to spend Christmas in my own home. Only my dad came. Understandably as my brother is split from his daughter mum and they share Christmas Day.

Last year, I stayed at home with my DP and absolutely loved it. No travelling, no rushing around, no expense, just a relaxed Christmas in our own home. My dad went to my brother’s, where he was with my brother’s new partner and her children, who apparently love Christmas. A huge house full of people is basically my worst nightmare, so I was perfectly happy staying home.

We met the following week, halfway between us, and had a lovely day out and lunch together.
Now the guilt trip has started again this year.

My dad says he wants the family together and keeps talking about getting older and mum not being here and it was her wish for us to be together at Christmas. I understand that. But I don’t think he understands what he’s actually asking of me. I invited him to mine, but he wants to be in his home as he is old.

I see my dad and brother roughly every six weeks anyway. We meet halfway, spend the day together, go out for lunch and actually do something. I’m not avoiding my family or refusing to see

Why does Christmas mean that I’m expected to spend a huge amount of time, money and energy travelling for one day that I don’t particularly enjoy, simply because that’s what we’ve always done?
I’m starting to feel like I’m being made to feel guilty for wanting to spend Christmas in my own home with my partner.

Am I being unreasonable, or is it okay to say that I don’t want to travel home for Christmas anymore?

When my parents were alive I used to hate the big family christmas gatherings and do anything I could to avoid them. My mother would start in Novemeber asking "what are you doing for christmas" and I would say "trying not to think about it". I once asked my mother "how do you feel knowing that Im there as a duty and hating every minute of it?" She seemed to feel that was ok.

I would never want anyone to visit me as a duty. I would rather cut my throat with a rusty saw.

Then I left my home city and it was so much easier. I told my parents I was going to Morocco, Egypt, Nepal or somewhere they didn't celebrate christmas because I hated it so much. Ive never been bothered by being alone at Christmas. Its just another day to me.

I don't think people who don't work should ever demand the presence of those who work close to Christmas. Traveling around the Christmas period is hell and it should be optional.

I got to the bottom of this with my family after years of the same. They said as I had chosen to 'leave' I should always be the one to travel.

They still think that now. It's always me trekking to see them. I wouldn't see them otherwise. I think it's odd but they wouldn't have dreamt of moving away. They see me moving away as some kind of betrayal!

We have never travelled anywhere for Christmas day. It's been 30 years! Love Xmas day at home.

Last Christmas DP and I decided to stay home, just us and the kids. We also would have to do driving on Christmas Day, which the kids didn't like so much, but there was always the ongoing dramas (one person getting stressed about the dinner and presents, another wanting things to be more formal and regimented). We had a much better time at home, and saw family over the xmas/NY period for drinks in a more leisurely fashion. Doing it again this year.

Just saying what? That this is all about you?

x

I vote it’s a 3 year rotation between you, your brother and Dad hosting. If people don’t want to come, then that’s fine but the default isn’t you always go to your Dad’s. As as adult you are allowed to choose how you spend your Christmas and it can evolve. Personally l want to re-charge my batteries at Christmas and this year has been especially busy

Totally agree with @Friendlygingercat re would rather cut my throat with a rusty saw than have my DC have to visit me ‘out of duty’

Its truth there are two options here i would hate for anyone to regret their decision later if dads getting on a bit