Am I unreasonable for wanting to stay home for Christmas?

[foodlovefood]

So the annual Christmas guilt trip has started again.

I’m 45, have no kids, live with my DP, and live over four hours away from my dad and brother by train, with two changes. My mum died five years ago. I also have a cat and work for the NHS. I’m lucky enough to have Christmas Day and Boxing Day off each year, but Christmas Eve can be part of my roster.

I moved away from home 24 years ago, and for around 21 of those years I travelled back home for Christmas because my parents expected us all to be together as a family. For years, that meant travelling on Christmas Eve after work and coming back on Boxing Day, often driving, and paying for cat sitters or an expensive cattery.

And honestly? I never really enjoyed it. We’d have dinner, watch TV and sit around in silence. There was no particular Christmas magic or quality time together. But I did it because it’s family.

Three years ago, I finally broke the habit. I had moved in with my DP and invited my family to come to us because, for once, I wanted to spend Christmas in my own home. Only my dad came. Understandably as my brother is split from his daughter mum and they share Christmas Day.

Last year, I stayed at home with my DP and absolutely loved it. No travelling, no rushing around, no expense, just a relaxed Christmas in our own home. My dad went to my brother’s, where he was with my brother’s new partner and her children, who apparently love Christmas. A huge house full of people is basically my worst nightmare, so I was perfectly happy staying home.

We met the following week, halfway between us, and had a lovely day out and lunch together.
Now the guilt trip has started again this year.

My dad says he wants the family together and keeps talking about getting older and mum not being here and it was her wish for us to be together at Christmas. I understand that. But I don’t think he understands what he’s actually asking of me. I invited him to mine, but he wants to be in his home as he is old.

I see my dad and brother roughly every six weeks anyway. We meet halfway, spend the day together, go out for lunch and actually do something. I’m not avoiding my family or refusing to see

Why does Christmas mean that I’m expected to spend a huge amount of time, money and energy travelling for one day that I don’t particularly enjoy, simply because that’s what we’ve always done?
I’m starting to feel like I’m being made to feel guilty for wanting to spend Christmas in my own home with my partner.

Am I being unreasonable, or is it okay to say that I don’t want to travel home for Christmas anymore?

I don't see why you always have to travel when your Dad says he wants to be at home at Christmas, say yes exactly so do I- I've travelled for years it's enough.

The problem with this approach is that I suspect in the eyes of the OP's DF (and maybe DB), the respective homes are not of the same status.

I say this as someone who is older than the OP but moved 300 miles away approx 30 years ago. For many years there seemed to be an expectation that we travelled 'home'. We had chosen to move away so I think the view was that we should be the ones to travel back, not for everyone else to come to us.

We are having this issue too, especially as my husband is the only one either side of the family that drives 😔 Both sets of parents are 3 hours and 7 hours away so my husband never gets a proper break 😔

I miss my dad..... yep, I'm 60 and feel like an orphan now he's 'gone home '...... if I could I'd travel hours to have one last Christmas with him.
Just saying x

If your DP doesn’t travel, couldn’t they look after the cat while you’re away? Save the expense of a cattery. Beyond that, I think travelling every 2-3 years on the actual day and seeing them near to Christmas on other years should be plenty. Travelling every year is too much of an imposition on you but your dad is old so won’t be able to travel to yours easily either.

I think it depends how old and mobile your dad is. If he’s genuinely getting on and you’re heading into the territory of worrying about final Christmases etc then I’d just do it for him to make him happy.

It is perfectly ok, OP. Your dad has a couple of options already. If it was me on my oen I'd jump at the chance of someone else hosting! My db used to always come to me for Christmas but it meant 2 hours of driving as he doesn't drive & he wouldn't lift a finger, he'd sit in the same chair all day & I'd feel guilty if I went to spend time with the dds. So around 8 years ago I started doing a bit of charity work on Christmas Day which meant I couldn't collect him. I still invited him but said he'd have to make his own way over. Apparently that wasn't good enough & "nobody wanted him". I stuck to my guns and now I have the Christmas I want without having any stress.

Stick to your guns, OP

This reply is not helpful

I miss my dad too. But I’m emotionally intelligent enough not to project my grief onto other people who have quite different relationships with their parents. Just saying x

We got to a point where we said, 'we'll be at home for Christmas. Anyone that wants to come is more than welcome (obviously with a timely heads up that they're coming so we can prepare!), but we're stopping home. We don't want to spend time travelling, pay for a hotel, pay for a cattery. Totally understand if others feel the same way and don't want to travel, we'll make a point of getting together some time in the near future.'

People weren't happy, but there wasn't a whole hell of a lot that they could kick against, given that their resentment was that we didn't want to travel to them, when they didn't want to travel to us, either!

H. Non

I don’t think your dad is asking a lot tbh and you sound a bit selfish. If you haven’t been the last two years, I would go in your shoes, 4 hours is hardly far. Also if you live with your DP and he isn’t going why do you need a cat sitter?

I am the same, no children , my parents came down to Cambridge every Christmas for 10 years, staying for over a week, I went back to work shattered from running around after them. 9 years ago we moved back to Yorkshire, 10 miles away from them my Mam hated the fact as she only came for Christmas day and Boxing day going home every night, she felt that it was a holiday for her coming down to Cambridge , never understood I had limited time off work and it was my holiday.
Mam died 5 years ago, Dad has come to us each time, refused to stay over night, this year he's got a new girlfriend , so is spending it with her, I am over the moon, I love my Dad but I just want to have a few days just us, eat what we want when we want etc
We are going to arrange to go out before Christmas for a meal, with Dad. Don't let others guilt trip you, they are very good at that, they should understand you work , doesn't mean you don't care.
I would just say, I would love to come but I just don't feel up to all the traveling this year when I only have 2 days off. We can meet up before or after Christmas for a meal, which would be nice to look forward too.

This.
Do not be guilted into a miserable day.💐

Christmas is a time of year where lots of people put themselves out a bit to get together with family.

The years of Christmas day visiting my own family and in laws, finally got time to ourselves in the evening. What a privilege, to have Christmas dinner and then supper provided. Now not all our DPs are there to continue the memories.

Please value you have your Dad there to do whatever you need to do to spend time with him. As you said, you don't have DC to entertain, so that energy can be put into the rest of your family.

When other people say the same then no one would ever visit each other!

Prioritise yourself is easy to say but when you have responsibities hard to do.

Tbh if it were me I'd probably go to your dad's for Christmas on a year on/year off basis until he's no longer around.

can you ringfence a different weekend to "do" Christmas, when it's essier for you to travel, maybe staying longer, maybe going out for a Christmas meal or doing something nice like a carol service or what have you with your nieces too so it feels atmoshpheric?

It is fine to say you want to stay at home for Christmas. Why does your Dads needs trump yours and he should not try and guilt trip you? That would make me dig in my heels more. Tell him you want to stay at home with your partner and you only get two days off and don’t want to spend them travelling at a busy time of year. See them the week before or afterwards.

If your DP is staying home, why the cat sitter? I think your DP is a bit selfish that he won’t join you every other Christmas, it’s all him. That probably makes it worse for you as you are doing something you don’t really want to whilst your DP has his feet up eating, watching tv.

I have come to not enjoy Christmas as much, try not to dwell as family getting older. I always hosted, people had taxis/lifts. My FIL has dementia, so does my uncle, DM has awful mobility and suffice enough to say Christmas has changed. No solution sorry, just solidarity. You either go or you don’t, is there any way you could travel Christmas Eve after work and come back Christmas Day after lunch.

I agree with @CatLady199 in that It's hard work when you live away, yet your family expect you to be the one to do all the travelling all the time, then lay on the guilt.

I am not a Christmassy person either. Enforced socialisation is not my cup of tea; it's actually very draining, and the village where I grew up has changed rapidly since I left (and not for the better). Yes, it's controversial that I do not go home for Christmas, so I find it quite convenient to work Christmas Day (and the days around it) every year. It's revolutionary when you finally break the habit of spending Christmas doing things that you don't want to do. Withstand the guilt trip, OP; you work a lot, and have the right to spend a day off as you wish (regardless of what society thinks), especially if you're already seeing your family every six weeks anyway, which is probably a lot more than most people who live away see their families.

Just say you are working Christmas day

I think its fair enough to take turns. Your dad came to you last year so you go to him this year.

Christmas is a ballache. yes its difficult but we try and see family because Christmas day is a family day.

You've got 364 other days to have a lovely time in your own home. I couldn't leave my old dad on his own.

There is absolutely no need to lie