Little rant: Mum refuses to wear hearing aids driving me MAD. Coping strategies pls

[TheWildZebra]

Need a gentle rant about my mother who refuses to wear her hearing aids…

visiting her this weekend. She doesn’t get out that much and has poor hearing. She lost her hearing aids a few months ago (“accidentally” flushed them down the loo), replaced them a few weeks ago and has now “lost” them again.

the whole weekend has just been her asking us to repeat ourselves ; interrupting conversations mid flow because she doesn’t realise other people are talking / what they’re talking about ; changing a topic of conversation mid flow by mis-hearing and going off on a tangent.

it’s just so irritating?? Aspects were funny at first but now it just really grinds my gears because it’s preventable!!

It was a massive battle to get her hearing aids in the first place, and spending time with her was an actual pleasure while she was using them. Now she’s not worn them for several months she’s persuaded herself she doesn’t need them anymore and is really defensive when we point out that it’s really frustrating for other people, and wouldn’t she like to engage normally in conversation.

any tips apart from taking deep breaths and finishing the weekend then letting her get on with it?

I don't know if you can change this now, I've seen family members go into denial about how bad their hearing is and develop bad habits and it's really hard to go back from this.

However we do really regret how much we compromised in terms of TV volume and shouting loud enough for them to hear us. It helped them to continue with the denial, made us more resentful and I think made things worse. I'd have some polite boundaries about how loud you are prepared to talk or how many times you're willing to repeat yourself.

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately she turns into a child if you don’t repeat yourself, sort of tantrums etc. perhaps it should be practice for when I parent a toddler — hold firm, wait for her to calm down and proceed as planned.

I got no tips on how to deal with this, but I just wanted to know I know exactly how annoying and horrible it is. My mum is exactly the same, down to having to fight her to get the hearing aids, that she also, refuse to wear.

I refuse to repeat, having to shout, explain what others have said anymore. I just shrug, say I don’t know etc. …..And she CHOOSES to not hear/understand/know what has been said. Her choice.

It’s awful, it really is. And I do not understand why refuse to help oneself (when it’s so simple and easy too).

I feel for you, I can imagine it’s extremely frustrating!

Did she have a follow up appt with the audiology dept after they were fitted? They normally like to check they’re working well and whether any adjustments need to be made. If not, I wonder if this is something you can ask them for? I know that mine also tickled my ears a lot (to an irritating degree) when they were first fitted, but I just had to ride it out and it got better. Does she have a mobile? As there are normally manufacturer apps that go with hearing aids that allow you to adjust them depending on what kind of environment you’re in. Obviously this still requires her wearing them to try this out though!

Hearing loss is a major risk factor for dementia. Do you think her behaviour and memory is changing? Would she have an assessment with her GP? There maybe more going than just reluctance to wear the hearing aids.

I think that's all you can do to be honest.

I have a hearing aid. It's somewhere in a cupboard at the moment. I used to wear it for work and doctor's appointments. As soon as I left work I took it out with the same joy as removing my bra after a long day!
It is uncomfortable and itchy despite many adjustments at the hearing clinic and although it magnifies sound it includes all sounds, rustling papers, background noises etc It is also harder to identify the source of sound because everything just sounds as loud right in your ear. So it's not a magical restoration of hearing as some might believe.
Not helpful to you I know and I had similar frustrations with my late DFIL before I was in the same boat.
My family put up with it for now and at some point maybe I will go back and try again. 🙈

@Seagulldancing
I was just about to say the same thing re dementia risk. I saw that Jeremy Clarkson now has to wear hearing aids but he is determined to embrace them and use them because he is we aware that hearing loss can trigger dementia. Not sure if trigger is the right word.

Untreated hearing loss significantly raises the risk of developing dementia, with research showing the risk can double, triple, or even quintile depending on the severity of the hearing impairment. Managing hearing loss early with devices like hearing aids helps reduce cognitive strain and lowers this risk. 1,

Why Hearing Loss and Dementia Are Linked
Cognitive load: The brain works much harder to decode muffled sounds, stealing energy away from memory and thinking.
Brain shrinkage: Reduced sound input may cause parts of the brain to atrophy or shrink faster.
Social isolation: Struggling to hear leads people to withdraw from conversations and social settings, reducing mental stimulation. 1]

I do understand that hearing aids are something it takes time and motivation to get used to. I’m also someone who can lose anything, any time, all the time. So I’m afraid I’m sympathetic to her.

Id keep a voice-to-text app running on my phone (if you have an iPhone the voice recorder app is pretty amazing though it seems hard to share the text to other apps, but AI is making lots of these better all the time) and when she misses something, show her the text. So that you both honour keeping her in the loop and making it (sorry) rather obvious that some kind of adjustment needs to be made.

I hate wearing mine. My adult DC are brutal and just say “mum, if you can’t hear us, we just won’t engage with you.”

The tantrum behaviour should be totally ignored.

My mum is the same to a certain degree. She is too worried about what she looks like, so will only wear one at a time. Therefore you have to be on her good side, so to speak. It drives us insane.

Maybe show her this:

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/managing-the-risk-of-dementia/reduce-your-risk-of-dementia/hearing-loss

I told my mum this , she was horrified, I asked her to please wear them and she said no thank you. Not a lot else you can do if they're like that. It's such a shame as she misses SO much and gets very confused purely down to the fact she can't hear!

What makes it worse is that she used to get beyond frustrated with my grandparents when they did the same!

Hearing loss can lead to decline in so many aspects of life. Does she understand that?

I actually refuse to repeat myself to people who won't wear hearing aids. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but why should you be put to the trouble doing so? It's bloody exhausting.

I hear you. My mum refused for years to get hearing aids. It made such a difference when she finally got them. When she actually wears them!

I went to visit her the other day and she hadn’t charged her hearing aids. I stayed for an hour and when I went to leave she got all teary and said how much she’d been looking forward to seeing me. I told her I simply cannot yell for any longer. Hopefully she will make more of an effort to keep them charged.

I'm soon to be in a Mexican stand-off with my parents.

Mum - desperately needs her other hip replaced, has been on the list for two years and was accidentally removed when she paid privately for the other one to get done. The surgeon is so supportive and knows her by name - she has his personal email address - but despite being put back on his list and him saying he will update her he hasn't - last contact was before Christmas. She won't bloody email him - he GAVE you his address!

Dad - almost totally deaf in left ear, you don't want to watch TV in the same room as him it's unbearable and at family meals you have to be really careful where he sits as if the conversation is on his deaf side he is totally isolated but the silly goat doesn't say anything until after the meal. Reckons he was told years ago there is nothing that can be done for him - not hearing aids, nothing.

Me - have had chronic sinus issues since November which twice caused a heart infection. Have jumped through all the primary care hoops, had an X-ray, a CT scan and am under the care of the asthma clinic (don't have asthma, just can't breathe properly!) after CT scan was sent an September appointment with a surgeon just four days later... good, I would like another FESS please!

We're all having dinner on Sunday... I'm going to give them all a trade off... Mum has to emaill her doctor, Dad has to book Boots hearing test (technology advances after all!) and in return if I need surgery and the waiting list is beyond February then I will fund it myself to get it done... what did the Trivial Pursuits motto used to be: The Family That Plays Together Stays Together? Well that's bollocks as we used to play and my parents divorced each other and remarried each other! But maybe it could be: The Family That All Have Failing Health At The Same Time Can Emotionally Blackmail One Another To Get Shit Sorted?!

Good luck with your mum - I would do everything I could to improve my hearing if it started to go, no matter how inconvenient and cumbersome. I listen to music and podcasts every day.

I was mortally disappointed when I went for a hearing test and was breezily told I had normal levels of hearing loss for my age but that hearing aids wouldn't benefit me.

DM was like this. The tv volume controls broke because she kept turning it up, and she would sit on the sofa leaning forwards to watch tv, then fall asleep and roll off. I once told her I would superglue them in in her sleep if she didn't put them on voluntarily.

My only defence was to start saying "if you had your hearing aids in I could sit and watch TV with you, but it's so loud I have a headache" "if you had your hearing aids in you'd have heard that joke first time" "don't interrupt mum, Fred is talking, as you'd know if you had your hearing aids in". She still resisted.

DF is the same. Dementia. Apparently it’s quite common for people with dementia to refuse any addictions to their body like glasses. Teeth or hearing aids. We use a dictate app on iPad . It transcribes what you say. It’s quite accurate.

It is v frustrating, I get it. Of course the main thing is to try and persuade her to wear the aids. Or work out why she doesn't. Are they uncomfortable? Could they be upgraded? etc.

BUT at some point I think you have to change the way you visit. So your visits become about asking her questions. I write down open-ended questions for my (in-denial-about-her-hearing) mum. (eg: Tell me about your visit with Sue last week. Did you watch X and what did you think? Or memories. What can you remember about that holiday we went on to Cornwall etc) Then she can talk.
(Even better if there is a grandchild willing to sit with her for a bit and do this!)

Then the daily life stuff you can either mime (I do a T with my hands for a cuppa. Or touch her if I want her attention for an instruction - supper time!)

It doesn't cure it, but it makes it slightly less bloody irritating. (Except when my mum then starts WRITING down her answers. I'm like, mum, you can actually talk because I can hear you!. Oops). Actually I really like the text on phone option (but think the screen might be too small and also, she would have to stare at it for a bit for it to register).

Anyway, that's my tip for surviving the weekend - but long term she really needs to get it sorted. One question that surprised me - I wrote 'Would you like to get better hearing aids?' And my mum wrote 'Yes!'.

I don't indulge.

If they don't wear the hearing aids, I don't repeat what I'm saying.

I will help them with what they can't do, not what they chose not to.

I am a long way into this journey, it makes you hard.

Dh has hearing aids (at my instigation). I am on a relentless campaign to get him to use them consistently and found the dementia link is my only useful strategy that gets him motivated. Still not 100% though and very infuriating. He has already had a small stroke and I think he has some damage from that but he totally denies it. Does not bode well.

You need to read Mel Robbins book “let them”. Or listen to her podcast

I had this with my mum. She got expensive, no-one-can-see-you-wearing-them aids 15 years ago and wore them for a few months. That was a good time. Then she lost one at a party, had a meltdown and stormed out with me in her wake. She got it replaced under insurance but never wore them again, despite my pleas. Her tv was at the far end of the lounge which was next to the kitchen and then the toilet round the corner with two shut doors in between. If I couldn’t follow the dialogue I could tell which programme she was watching from that distance (and not just from the theme tune). And heaven forbid if I went to bed before her as the spare room was right next door to the lounge. The last time she stayed at mine I couldn’t speak for two days after she left thanks to the strain of repeating myself at a shout for a few days.

She fell foul to dementia and I really don’t think the refusal to wear the aids helped. The other issue is that now her hearing has deteriorated further but there is no way she’d let anyone put them in now. If she’d been used to wearing them up to now they would be natural to her.

Hi everyone , thanks for the thoughts and contributions. Seems like this is something many people can relate to!

I must say those of you writing questions down for your parents have the patience of saints. Imho she’s not actually deaf so why should I expend extra energy going through this palaver when she could change her behaviour 🤷‍♀️

unfortunately yes we and she are very aware of the dementia risks- a point we’ve made many times and which she understands. Again, she gets very upset when you point out the biggest thing she could do to stave off dementia is wear her hearing aids rather than reduce her coffee consumption and start eating dark rather than milk chocolate or whatever fad it is for the week 🙄🤦‍♀️

I think there is an element of shame for her in admitting that she can’t find them again after being on the wait list for the nhs ones, and having lost the previous very expensive pair. I get that, but I don’t understand how you can lose them if you actually wear them. Like I don’t lose my spectacles?

My DM is deaf and refuses hearing aids She also refuses to use a key safe so when she gets a visit from the GP surgery they often cant get in They have phoned me in the past asking me about safeguarding. One day they may get the police to break in and she will learn the hard way when she gets a smashed in front door