Little rant: Mum refuses to wear hearing aids driving me MAD. Coping strategies pls

[TheWildZebra]

Need a gentle rant about my mother who refuses to wear her hearing aids…

visiting her this weekend. She doesn’t get out that much and has poor hearing. She lost her hearing aids a few months ago (“accidentally” flushed them down the loo), replaced them a few weeks ago and has now “lost” them again.

the whole weekend has just been her asking us to repeat ourselves ; interrupting conversations mid flow because she doesn’t realise other people are talking / what they’re talking about ; changing a topic of conversation mid flow by mis-hearing and going off on a tangent.

it’s just so irritating?? Aspects were funny at first but now it just really grinds my gears because it’s preventable!!

It was a massive battle to get her hearing aids in the first place, and spending time with her was an actual pleasure while she was using them. Now she’s not worn them for several months she’s persuaded herself she doesn’t need them anymore and is really defensive when we point out that it’s really frustrating for other people, and wouldn’t she like to engage normally in conversation.

any tips apart from taking deep breaths and finishing the weekend then letting her get on with it?

Equality Act 2010: Protects deaf individuals from discrimination in workplaces, schools, and public services.
Reasonable Adjustments: Employers and service providers must make changes, like providing sign language interpreters or captioned media, to ensure equal access.

It is also classed as a disability in Ireland.

These things are easy to look up.

For anyone who assumes that hearing aids are the hearing equivalent of glasses, you could not be more wrong.

I’ll be honest - I thought that hearing aids just amplify and restore the hearing you had before, but having been prescribed them, I was so very wrong. The noise - which is what was supposed to be sound - just felt like an attack on my ears and my whole bring which sounds dramatic but it was horrific and such a shock. Hearing my own voice shouting at me because it was amplifying my own voice back at me (totally unnecessary!). Having things stuck in your ears all the time feels invasive. I don’t give a shit was they look like, least of the issues.

I am constantly being nagged to wear them as ohhh I am so annoying. “Put your bloody hearing aids in for gods sake” as a certain family member talks with their back to me, whilst the radio is on, and I’m stir frying the dinner. No consideration. I’ve also been told I’m wasting NHS resources.

I will keep trying but I’m not sure I can cope with the cacophony of noise they create. Until you’ve experienced it you haven’t got a clue how hard they can be for many people.

You have explained this so well.

Other posters have also tried but some of these posters don’t seem capable (or don’t want to) understand the experience you and others have described.

Comparing hearing aids with glasses is particularly ignorant.

No advice sadly. My mum refuses to wear her aids. (I wear hearing aids too). She just nod’s inanely in conversations which she clearly isn’t following and it makes me sad she’s missing out soo much interacting with her GC.

Last time she was in hospital - consultant asked me how long she’d been confused . She as sharp as a tack but just can’t hear you 🙄.

on top of this she Can’t see much either but refuses to see an optician, has poor dental health but refuses the dentist too as well as all her other health issues she refuses to engage with … sorry that was long but it’s infuriating.

I agree with all this - my mum has something like 90% hearing loss and wears hearing aids but it’s not like flicking a switch! They are so easily lost because they are so small, my mum still needs people to talk clearly and face her while doing so, she still struggles to hear the radio, can’t go out for dinner in a busy restaurant, etc etc. it’s extremely isolating and frustrating for her. She also had to spend a fortune and go private for them because the nhs ones didn’t work very well and were so uncomfortable.

I wear hearing aids. I do get what you are saying but you do get used to them
after a while. I think it’s your brain adjusting to and filtering the noise eventually.

I have a phone app so can adjust them to be the best they can be . They are not perfect by a long way but I make the effort to wear them and not be annoying by not trying .

I’m guessing you also lip read and fill - we all cope and manage in different ways.

I hope there are some people here who can see the prejudice being openly displayed on this thread.

Here is some information about the prejudice deaf people have to deal with.

rnid.org.uk/2024/05/it-does-matter-our-new-research/

It doesn’t surprise me - before my own hearing loss, to my now shame, I was also ignorant and assumed that it would be just like wearing glasses. I was genuinely shocked when mine were switched on. I wish there could be an equivalent to sticking in my AirPods in and having the volume to a comfortable level so I can listen to the radio. I think that’s what I expected 😢

OP I was listening to a podcast last week where they were talking about hearing loss, and someone had written in to explain how their parent uses airpods and they connect a phone to them and talk into that, which makes it much easier to converse. I'm afraid I can't remember the details but it was presented as an alternative to hearing aids and very much predicated on being better than hearing aids that amplify everything.

I think it might have been 'Off Air with Jane and Fi' - might be worth emailing them to ask?

Found it - starts around the 12 minute mark: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-like-my-coffee-with-a-polemic-from-an-important-man/id1648663774?i=1000782019524

I read through this entire thread and it just shows exactly how disabled are thought about and treated in society. We know we're hated. we know that people have contempt for us because we inconvenience them with our hearing loss.

People with family members that have hearing loss. all this information is widely available online to Google but for some reason so few of you have bothered to look it up. you would know that hearing aids aren't like glasses

And I do think is partially true if you pretend it's not a disability and just a cranky old person being difficult, then you can treat them disrespectfully

If any of my family members dared bully me to wear hearing aids in my own home or tried to punish me for me asking them to repeat themselves, then I would probably just tell them to leave and not come back

I could say that the ableism is disturbing in this thread but as a deaf person I am used to it

For me it's not that I couldn't accept that this person had a disability, it was the way they blamed everyone and everything else for being too quiet that was frustrating. If they'd given the hearing aids a good go and it hadn't worked we'd have sucked it up. People can be both disabled and stubborn about it.

@Fafafabienne your audiologist is doing you a disservice, they should be helping you to adjust to your aids, not setting them at an intolerable level and leaving you to get on with it. Go back and ask for help. If you don't get it, go elsewhere. I was put off aids completely for years after a similar experience with the NHS. Eventually I went to a privately to someone recommended. The experience was totally different and I regret the years I missed out on, but it took many visits and much tweaking to get to where I am now. Some hearing losses are harder to fit than others and sometimes the first audiologist you come across doesn't have the skill set or the time that you need.

My DM has total hearing loss in one ear (so no hearing aid in there as it wouldn’t help), and an NHS standard aid in the other ear. She’s 90 and has probably been quite deaf for at least 5-7 years now.
At first she just wouldn’t wear her aid, it was so frustrating in all the ways described above. She’s never been good with any tech and just couldn’t get on with how to switch it on and off, adjust volume etc, and as for the batteries, they are infuriatingly small and fiddly even for me, never mind her.
But eventually I think her deafness got so bad that she realises if she didn’t wear it she wouldn’t hear at all. So on the last year she started wearing it all the time, and it has made such a difference. I still have to be on her “hearing side” and it helps if she can see my face, but generally now she can have a normal conversation if the other person isn’t too far away from her.
We don’t really get on very well but I help out every week and that change alone has made things easier.
Now it’s my DF who is going through this. He treats his like his mobile phone - only switches it on when he wants to hear. Which means he gets all the unwanted noise others have mentioned as he’s not giving his brain chance to adjust to the change - though as he’s 98 I don’t think that will change now.

Thank you for your insight and encouragement, I do need to try and it’s good to hear your experience x