Little rant: Mum refuses to wear hearing aids driving me MAD. Coping strategies pls

[TheWildZebra]

Need a gentle rant about my mother who refuses to wear her hearing aids…

visiting her this weekend. She doesn’t get out that much and has poor hearing. She lost her hearing aids a few months ago (“accidentally” flushed them down the loo), replaced them a few weeks ago and has now “lost” them again.

the whole weekend has just been her asking us to repeat ourselves ; interrupting conversations mid flow because she doesn’t realise other people are talking / what they’re talking about ; changing a topic of conversation mid flow by mis-hearing and going off on a tangent.

it’s just so irritating?? Aspects were funny at first but now it just really grinds my gears because it’s preventable!!

It was a massive battle to get her hearing aids in the first place, and spending time with her was an actual pleasure while she was using them. Now she’s not worn them for several months she’s persuaded herself she doesn’t need them anymore and is really defensive when we point out that it’s really frustrating for other people, and wouldn’t she like to engage normally in conversation.

any tips apart from taking deep breaths and finishing the weekend then letting her get on with it?

I have some sympathy with your DM. Hearing aids can be uncomfortable, they take some time to get used to and even then they don't give you anything like your normal hearing back. At the moment it sounds as if all this outweighs the advantages for her, so you have to find some advantages and sell those to her.

She may not be willing to listen to the dementia risk aspect even though it's a strong argument. Others I can suggest are
-life is a whole lot less tiring when you can hear better (this was the biggest thing I noticed when I finally got aids that worked for me)
-you can go back to doing things you used to enjoy but you've gradually given up on because it was just too difficult
-if you get ones with a decent stable Bluetooth connection it opens up possibilities that other people have to buy expensive earbuds for, maybe she would like to be able to have hands free phone calls or to listen to something while she's pottering about
-everything including your hearing gets worse as you get older, but unlike strength for example you can't get your hearing back when it's gone. If you get hearing aids too late they can transmit sound to your brain but if you brain has lost the ability to make sense of those sounds that's it.

Overall I think you'll have more success if you position this as a problem that you both have, so you need to find a joint solution. It very often comes across as the hearing person thinks they have a problem which the hard of hearing person could solve if only they could be bothered, without any recognition of the fact that getting hearing aids right and learning to use them takes time and effort.

Imho she’s not actually deaf so why should I expend extra energy going through this palaver when she could change her behaviour

Except.... she has hearing loss, which is not unusual as we age, and needs aids to hear, so I would say she absolutely is deaf!

I've always had perfect vision. Fast forward to 'middle age' and my eyesight is going. I am FOREVER losing my reading glasses. Because I've never been a glasses wearer, I am not used to carrying them or wearing them but I can't read a thing without, so I find it really frustrating to be incapacitated in this way (and probably in some denial). So I do have sympathy with your mum. A change in health or abilities takes some getting used to.

I had to step away from this thread, I was so upset. I lost my mum recently, so I'm aware I'm very sensitive - I also lost my hearing in one ear just over a year ago. But I couldn't let it go and wanted to just say a few things.
I'd like to thank all the posters who were so sympathetic and posted some of the reality of hearing loss and wearing aids.
And gently point out the able-ism of all those who blithely talked about ignoring the disability because the solution was 'so simple', as if the hearing impaired were recalcitrant toddlers.
I recently came across a wonderful instagram poster who talks about the 'deaf spectrum', and it really resonated with me. I have some hearing left in my other ear. This doesn't mean I can hear normally. Even with aids - which as others pointed out, are uncomfortable, and cause problems of their own - I can't hear like I used to.
I'm aware it's annoying to be asked to repeat what you've said, but that's the only way to connect with people. Reading lips is 70% guesswork and it's such a huge effort to try to piece together what is being said. Deafness is massively isolating, and often makes me feel unsafe - I can't hear traffic, or pans boiling over, or work out where noises are coming from.
So I ask all those people who are irritated by our disability to learn some sign language - I'm trying this right now - and remember not to take your health for granted. Compassion is never a bad look.

You have my sympathy! My MIL refuses to wear her hearing aids. One ‘famous’ occasion, she asked DH to repeat what he’d said, so he shouted it back at her. She got very upset and said, “You don’t know what it’s like to be deaf!” To which DH gently reminded his mum that he’d been deaf in one ear since his early teens… 😆

My mum goes à stage further . She has been diagnosed with 50 percent hearing loss in both ears . However , she refuses to wear her aids a lot and then blames me and the kids for mumbling !!! She says we speak like this because we are from Dublin and it’s just Dubs she doesn’t understand. It’s infuriating. I really don’t know how she doesn’t feel isolated when asking people to repeat themselves up to 4 times. It means there is no flow of conversation whatsoever.

Do you realise hearing aids can be actually quite horrendous to wear? Even the best ones can intensify clattering of dishes from the next room and every footstep on the floor and you try to cut through this to concentrate on people speaking!

Speaking a bit louder and miming helps, also some bloody patience.

Id be blunt.

1. mum did you know not using hearing aids can expedite dementia it's good to hear things and process them properly .

2. can we try different ones ?

3. if you want me to visit you I need you to wear some .

I don’t understand how you can lose them if you actually wear them. Like I don’t lose my spectacles?
DM may be experiencing mild cognitive decline which means she repeatedly forgets taking her hearing aids out and putting them down. Constantly losing spectacles and hearing aids is classic behaviour as people get older. Hopefully it's not dementia in your mum's case. Not really getting it when you mention tha her poor hearing is a problem for you as well as her, could also be a sign that her cognition is slipping. This is a hard time for you, but considering that she may not be able to help her behaviour might make it more tolerable.

Well the medic visiting from the surgery would have to get my DM to answer the door first. But as she cant hear the doorbell or the phone they often phone me because i apparently posses magical powers to make her hear me while they dont They often cant get in

My lovely MIL always said that she was lucky she went deaf when she was young enough to play around with her hearing aids, adjust them and get used to wearing them. When she was older she never took them off except at night.

I totally agree. The ignorance and lack of compassion for a disability shown in some of these posts is so upsetting.

I have severe hearing loss caused by a road accident when I was a child.

Hearing aids do not work for this. People have been so rude to me that I suspect they would also trip a blind person up - if nobody was watching of course.

Poor you. Have you any idea how frustrating it is to be unable to hear?

Hearing aids are not a miracle cure.

That's good she has a medic visiting her rather than having to attend hospital. The medic (I'm assuming USA) will surely know about deafness so able to knock on window, call house phone? Yes last option to call you.

That's why I've tried my best to take on DP medical appointments. DM does wear hearing aids but has problems with ears so they don't work properly.

My mum also doesn’t like to admins she needs hearing aids, and it’s been so frustrating! sometimes I think she wears them to stop us nagging, but doesn’t turn the flipping things on! The one thing that has been slightly Positive for her is that my husband (at 65) has started wearing them (albeit somewhat more hi-tech than hers…) and I tell her he’s happy to share to his mates that he wears them, rather than being in denial! Two of his mates have since got them on the back of him talking about how much better his hearing is. “ It’s not something to be ashamed of mum, it’s a fact of life” is what we now tell her.

I think the penny is slowly dropping with her. i do think that the those tiny batteries are the fiddliest things in the world for an elderly person to replace though, which doesn’t help!

No UK I used the word medic to cover GP/practice nurse etc. She has a key safe but wont use it and i dont have a key.

This. Show her some of the evidence about how not addressing hearing loss can put her on a fast track to dementia. Any elderly person putting themselves at risk by not wearing hearing aids when they need them is an absolute fool (or possibly already experiencing the start of dementia).

my dad had to keep getting up and down up and down out of his chair to speak right into her ear

While he was dying from prostate cancer!

Im sorry for those who have been upset/triggered by this post. Im sure many of your experiences with deafness have been frustrating and exclusionary.

There is a spectrum of deafness, and this post is not about those who are experience deafness to the point that sign language is needed.

my mother is not “deaf”. She has mild to moderate hearing loss that means she can hear the telly turned up to 50 but not engage well in dinner time conversation.

that doesn’t mean wearing your hearing aids all day every day. It means, when people have driven 3h specifically to talk to you, keep you company because you lament lack of visitors, and take you out somewhere, you uphold your side of the bargain and take the steps that allow you to engage in that conversation and relationship in a way that’s fulfilling to everyone. And not revert to the same arguments that you have done for the last 5 years - don’t really need them, I’ve lost them you’re mumbling, I can follow perfectly fine.

it’s about not having one’s head in the sand.

I think for us it was the denial that led to the resentment. Being constantly told that we are all too quiet by someone that wouldn't even try hearing aids got old real fast. If the person had been at least trying to use and adjust to the hearing aids then I think we'd have been a lot more understanding of the limitations.

Not much advice but sympathy! My FIL is like this. I’m pretty sure that this and his general social isolation will send him to dementia and that in fact he’s already on his way and the stubbornness is an early manifestation. Have you highlighted the dementia risk?!

My stepdad does wear his, as he still works and so needs to. He says that they’re not at all great for busy situations though as they amplify all the noise and he still can’t hear much! I think for some people that’s a really awful experience.

The only suggestion I have is that it is worth investing in more state of the art ones if affordable. Slimline and better audio quality might make the experience more comfortable.

We had this. The frustration was unbearable. I was sending screenshot of hearing tests appointments asking which one I should book for him, my brother had spent ages setting up his old airpods as hearing aids - it worsened over about 18 months until one afternoon when one of my blunt, autistic kids just repeatedly yelled "Grandad just get hearing aids" whenever he asked them to repeat something. That made enough impact that he complained about it when playing golf next at which point the 5 elderly men he was with all pointed out their hearing aids. He hadn't even realised they were wearing them because they were all invisible small ones - silly man thought all hearing aids were massive 1970s NHS ones. Someone recommended some guy who gave them all a discount, they were talking which ones worked best etc.

He now has tiny ones that recharge quickly, are Bluetoothed to his phone, telly, car, doorbell and Alexa (so he has timers going off in his head) He plays music through them, answers his phone with them - and most importantly he's joined yet another walking group and a theatre group and something else as well. Things which he wouldn't do because there wasn't much point if he couldn't hear people talking, which he couldn't but he also couldn't admit that!

There is always something he's going to be a stubborn git about - but I'm so glad it's not this anymore as it has made such an immediate difference to his life.

Completely agree.

Whilst I understand frustrations, reading this post has been horrible.

I am a retired nurse and have also been carer to family members and now have chronic health issues myself.

Denial is a coping mechanism humans use to protect themselves from very frightening situations such as our own mortality with age, disability and frailty very much part of that.

It takes time, empathy and the right sort of support to work through that so that a person can come to accept their changing situation and see that using whatever assistance, equipment etc will actually help them stay as independent as possible longer instead of viewing it as “giving in”.

Trying to force people to do so with blackmail withholding social contact is cruel and utterly counterproductive.

On top of this hearing aids are not the simple solution non hearing impaired people think they will be.

A lot of people here may find themselves feeling very differently when it is their turn to be old and their body is failing.

Who is the person on Instagram you mention? I’d like to take a look.

This! God it's a nightmare 🙈
If you can, get them involved more regularly with professionals who can help, like an appointment at a hearing aid store or audiology at NHS. My gran tended to listen to the professionals better than family even though we were saying exactly the same things! 🙈
Argh - loved her to bits but I don't miss gameshows on MAXIMUM VOLUME I could follow them from upstairs with the door shut! 🤪