Advice needed for dealing with my 15-year-old son's behaviour at home.

[Rosesandthorns66]

I'm at my wits end and basically needs some advice from parents, who are in a similar situation.
I don't really need opinions from parents who haven't experienced or been in this situation.
As its a sensitive topic and please be kind.

I am a single parent with 4 children. There is absolutely no contact with their dad.
I left because of domestic violence. Financial, emotional and physical.

This is about my 15 year old son.
He is physically and verbally abusive.
I don't know why he does it.
If he wants something done. He says do this you bitch. If I refuse he'll trash the place.
If I try to stop him he will hit me. He hits his siblings. Does anyone do this for no reason, there must be something going on mentally.

I've been to my GP. Pause counselling was suggested. I've taken him to Pause counselling, he won't engage with them.

I've told his school, they've tried to help. They told me he won't engage in counselling the school have offered. A referral was made to a social worker, he's paid us a visit, the household is a safe place, it's his behaviour.

He hasn't had a wash for over 2 months. It sounds unbelievable but its true. He used to be fine with having a bath or shower but this has just happened suddenly.
He has to have his plates and cutlery washed properly otherwise he won't eat from them.
Is there anything else I can do or should be doing. I don't want him getting in trouble but I don't know what to do.

Academically he's a straight A student. He's doing really well. His school teachers have only positive things to say about him.
The school safe guarding teacher can't believe he's like this at home.
He mostly stays in his room, I can't talk to him because he becomes argumentative. When he's physically abusive I lock the living room door and he'll just kick at it and then go upstairs to his room.
Sometimes, I'm so overwhelmed that I have to cry to let my sadness out. I feel so sad.

I don't think theres anything I can do, as I've said above I don't want him getting in trouble.
Thats not the answer, I want to get some help but what help is there?
Has anyone dealt with this kind of behaviour with their child?

Many thanks for reading any helpful advice or suggestions will be appreciated.

So you fled domestic violence but don't know why he behaves like this. Its trauma.

I can’t advise on what to do, but it’s pretty clear where it’s come from :

There is absolutely no contact with their dad... domestic violence. Financial, emotional and physical.

Your children will have experienced these terrible events as well as you. What age was your 15 year old when this happened ? Was he exposed to his fathers violence ? A victim of it or seeing you as the victim ?

Is there anyone he talks to ? Any male relation or a teacher ? Does he have friends ?

i don’t know what to advise you to do but you can surely see this behaviour hasn’t come from nowhere? Hés traumatised and lashing out at you in his anger and pain.

You might not want to get him into trouble but it sounds like being in trouble is exactly what he needs.
He has learned well from the previous domestic abuser in your life. Next time he kicks off phone the police would be my advice.

He has learned well from the previous domestic abuser in your life. Next time he kicks off phone the police would be my advice

Yes. He needs to learn that assault is illegal and that there will be consequences when he hits you.

Maybe tell him that the police will be called to deal with him if he behaves like that again. You don't want him to get into trouble, but he's causing trouble and demonstrating very poor behaviour to his siblings.

You now have another abuser living in your household. I understand the thought of him being handled by the police is disturbing for you, but what is there left to do? He's only going to get stronger and nastier as he grows. He needs help and you need peace in your life.

Op sorry to hear that you are going through this. Nobody no matter what is going on in their life has the right to hit you!

It is assault and every time your son hits you or trashes the place you call the police every single time.

If he is charged by the police then good. He needs to learn and fast that his actions have consequences that will be detrimental to his future.

I know that is hard when it is someone you love, but you need to get tough here and show your son in no uncertain terms that you will not put up with him assaulting you!

At the moment he is treating you in this disgusting and degrading way because he can, as there aren't any consequences to stop him.

He has a choice and knows what he is doing is very wrong. I would also consider voluntarily putting him into care under an S. 20 - phone duty children's social care and say you can no longer have him at home, due to child parental violence.

you also need to protect you other children and minimise the risk of his violence towards them. It is not fair that they have to live like this, as well as you.

Thankyou everyone for your replies, they are much appreciated.

Mixymaxymoxy@
Thankyou for your reply.
He was 5 at the time. It does make sense that it is trauma.
When I left my ex we came to live with my parents.
My mom passed away last year. That could have triggered his behaviour to get worse.
My mom supported us a lot.

Thankyou to all your replies.
I have told him I will call the police if he continues with his abusive behaviour.
However, we have been through a lot and I don't want to put him through any more harm. If I called the police, he will never forgive me.
I will have to deal with it by using a different approach. I don't want him distance himself from me. I want him to feel loved.

He wasn't treated very nicely by his father.

So sorry you’re having to go through this, it’s like domestic violence all over again but even fewer options to escape. One positive is that he engages well at school. Personally I’d be less inclined to put it all down to trauma, more likely genetics if his dad was similar, drug use? Video games? Or nutritional deficiencies? 15 is a dreadful age if you have a troubled child, think you need to worry less about getting him into trouble and get some help for your sanity and the welfare of your other children as this can have just as bad an effect on them as an adult DV perpetrator but that just hasn’t been recognised yet

Has he ever had therapy?

bugaboo218@

I do get very upset when he's misbehaving and think about everything you have mentioned. I appreciate your reply.

However, I will lose my son if I do that.
Their father mistreated us so my son doesn't deserve that from me. I will keep on trying if there is any other approach that will work.

Are you absolutely sure he has no contact with his Dad?

Are there ever times where the things he says are exactly what your ex used to say ? Like did your ex call you a bitch too?

When he’s targeting you with physical abuse, is it like he’s repeating what your ex did?

Does he have similar views as your ex on women, politics?

It is highly possible his dad has found him online and is emotionally manipulating him and grooming him to alienate him from you.

Your mum’s death- was there an obituary? Could your ex have tracked your DS down?

Only a counselling service his school has offered and the GP suggested going to PAUSE.

This is fairly common amongst children who have been exposed to domestic violence.

advice:

firstly it’s worth finding out if something has happened to trigger this. He is a teen and he may have been assaulted himself or attacked (at school or out and about) and you should talk to him and ask him about this.

if he has been attacked then you need specialist advice.

if not, then generally:

go to self defence classes. Ideally all of you. He will learn some control and you will learn techniques to help stop him hitting you.

work out a plan for when he starts hitting. Ideally locking yourself and your other kids away from him, make sure your other kids know the protocol and practice it.

food - the plates thing is odd. Maybe get some picnic plates or similar just for him and put him in charge of making sure they are clean? Or disposable plates.

I heard of someone involving police not in an emergency visit, but getting them to visit. Suggest you do that. Counselling - keep trying.

Evelite@
Thankyou for your reply, its a mixture of it being a difficult age at 15. Games on the laptop and vitamin deficiencies.

Octavia64@

Thankyou, yes you have made some good points. I will use them.

This is fairly typical behaviour for a teenage boy who has experienced trauma and has had the very confusing experience of a caregiver being frightening - both by hurting them and hurting their mother. You and he both need specialist help. Normal parenting strategies won’t work as his brain doesn’t work in the same way as a child who has never experienced trauma (phoning the police won’t do anything either - there is a reason why half of all prisoners are care-experienced). You need to be on a Child in Need plan with a social worker and potentially open to the Edge of Care team. The only way to get this is to phone MASH, explain everything and say you are getting to the point where you are going to need a section 20 (voluntary care order). Ask them what they can do to help you in terms of counselling and therapeutic parenting support to help you stay together as a family. You might also find Louise Bomber’s books on attachment and trauma helpful - they are primarily written for teachers but will support you to understand more of your son’s brain development and the reasons behind the behaviours you are seeing.

Bufftailed@

Thankyou for your reply. Yes his school did suggest that aswell, they have a PC who visits the school for other matters, which they said they can call to have a chat with my DS.
I will remind them after the holidays.

Tygertiger@

Thankyou for your reply.
I will look into the suggestions you have made. Also will get the books you have suggested.
Many thanks.

Access your local authority website and make a self referral for early help or family help. You can also ask the school to do this, I am surprised they have not offered to do so already. Through this you will likely be offered a support worker or youth worker and signposted to further support. If you genuinely feel at risk or in danger you should call the police but this is an alternative step you can take right away.

NullaEffugium@

His dad is not intouch with them.
His abuse towards me is not similar to the way of his dads.
My son's behaviour and body language is more of anger.

Their fathers was abusive behaviour.

Unfortunately, it could the experience of being through trauma and him expressing it through anger.

Thankyou for your reply.
The school have made a referral for the early help but because it was the summer holidays and I called them to chase the matter up, they referred us to a social worker who paid us a visit instead.
He couldn't do much because he said the house is a safe place.
He had a chat with my son and told him he better behave himself going into a care home isn't a very nice place.
My son's behaviour calmed down for a few days then he goes back to normal. On some days he's well behaved, then on other days he gets angry.

SowSeedsDrinkWine@

The early help team also said that we are going to be allocated support worker but couldn't give me fixed time frame.