Advice needed for dealing with my 15-year-old son's behaviour at home.

[Rosesandthorns66]

I'm at my wits end and basically needs some advice from parents, who are in a similar situation.
I don't really need opinions from parents who haven't experienced or been in this situation.
As its a sensitive topic and please be kind.

I am a single parent with 4 children. There is absolutely no contact with their dad.
I left because of domestic violence. Financial, emotional and physical.

This is about my 15 year old son.
He is physically and verbally abusive.
I don't know why he does it.
If he wants something done. He says do this you bitch. If I refuse he'll trash the place.
If I try to stop him he will hit me. He hits his siblings. Does anyone do this for no reason, there must be something going on mentally.

I've been to my GP. Pause counselling was suggested. I've taken him to Pause counselling, he won't engage with them.

I've told his school, they've tried to help. They told me he won't engage in counselling the school have offered. A referral was made to a social worker, he's paid us a visit, the household is a safe place, it's his behaviour.

He hasn't had a wash for over 2 months. It sounds unbelievable but its true. He used to be fine with having a bath or shower but this has just happened suddenly.
He has to have his plates and cutlery washed properly otherwise he won't eat from them.
Is there anything else I can do or should be doing. I don't want him getting in trouble but I don't know what to do.

Academically he's a straight A student. He's doing really well. His school teachers have only positive things to say about him.
The school safe guarding teacher can't believe he's like this at home.
He mostly stays in his room, I can't talk to him because he becomes argumentative. When he's physically abusive I lock the living room door and he'll just kick at it and then go upstairs to his room.
Sometimes, I'm so overwhelmed that I have to cry to let my sadness out. I feel so sad.

I don't think theres anything I can do, as I've said above I don't want him getting in trouble.
Thats not the answer, I want to get some help but what help is there?
Has anyone dealt with this kind of behaviour with their child?

Many thanks for reading any helpful advice or suggestions will be appreciated.

He had a chat with my son and told him he better behave himself going into a care home isn't a very nice place.
My son's behaviour calmed down for a few days then he goes back to normal. On some days he's well behaved, then on other days he gets angry.

Threats tend to make angry people angrier. Your traumatised son needs therapy, not threats of being taken away from the only safe home he has known and put in some sort of institution for juvenile delinquents.

NullaEffugium@
When I've put it down in writing it sounds very serious.
However, with the social worker being a professional, he was very careful with his words.

My children were all laughing and joking.

I was thinking why can't the atmosphere be like this normally aswell. With the children all chatting and laughing with each other.

Please challenge this, your house is not a safe space due to his behaviour. If you have younger children, they are experiencing domestic abuse. They will also be at risk, even if you believe you are shielding them.

PEGS offer specialist support to caregivers experiencing violence from children and young people, and you can request support through their website.

Your son lived with abuse, directly and indirectly, during his formative years. His brain and nervous system development will have been influenced by this. You both need specialist support to help understand his responses, break entrenched habits, and provide him with healthy coping mechanisms.

It is very tricky, as you cannot force a young person to engage with support. I do feel a conversation with a police officer, ideally from your local domestic abuse unit, during a calm period would be beneficial. His trauma doesn’t give him a free pass to harm others, and he can clearly ‘control’ it as he does not display this behaviour elsewhere.

If you feel at risk of harm or injury, you then need to call 999. Every time. This will help create a picture for local services of what life is like inside your household, and open other avenues of support. It becomes much trickier to address behaviour once a young person leaves school, as agencies cannot arrange to see them in this setting. This isn’t about punishing him, it is about protecting yourself and any other children. It’s also about protecting his future partners and any children he may have.

Disclaimer - I haven’t experienced this as a parent, however I experienced domestic abuse as a child and work with children, young people, and families who have fled domestic abuse.

Ah ok that makes sense, I am glad the ball is rolling with it and hopefully you will soon be allocated the support you both really need right now ❤️

A smiling threat is still a threat.
Laughter is a common coping mechanism in traumatised children when they feel uncomfortable or threatened by an adult.
Like ha ha, I’ll pretend you’re just joking because that’s really scary if it’s true.
The social worker should not have said it at all imho.

You know your children were putting on a show for social worker? Of we are fine and normal, happy kids, nothing to see here, please don’t hurt us or take us away…

NullaEffugium@

Yes that does make sense.
You just laugh even in situations where you are nervous or uncomfortable.

I suggest looking at non violent resistance as a parenting technique. I have not dealt with such extreme, but I have touched on some of this. Get some help for yourself first.

I'm living in a similar situation with a 15 year old abusive son who refuses to see his behavior as abusive.

Is it trauma - his father was also abusive - the deny, attack, reverse victim and offender (DARVO) type, or a genetic propensity to being abusive? A percentage of the population have dark triad traits, this percentage will be someone's son or daughter living in their home.

Be careful OP. It's not your fault. It is terrifying and heartbreaking and very difficult. Don't let perceived shame or stigma on you stop you from reporting to the authorities.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My brother was like this as a teenager. This was a long time ago and my parents would despair. For a short while be went to live on supported accommodation and that allowed him to experience the consequences of his actions. He was allowed home and see us sometimes but it also have my parents some time to mentally recover. They also started to call the police every time he would get too physical. This would help for a short while. We don't really know what was causing it, but my guess is difficulties at school, suffering from terrible racism, delayed dyslexia diagnosis and from what we know now, I suspect autism/ADHD.

He is now n his early 40's and a totally different person. Still difficult as he never received the right help at the right time, but he has become a nicer, kinder family man and his relationship with me and our parents is significantly better.

There is lots of excellent advice up thread. Don't lose hope OP, my heart goes out to you, not only is it difficult but such a taboo in society.

And don't be scared to call the Police, I remember they would sit him down and speak to him about his actions and there was a lot of compassion.

Bikechic@
Thankyou I will definitely look into this.

Yellowhollyhocks@

I am so sorry you are going through the same.

BotoxOrPuffins@

Thankyou so much for sharing this. It must have been so difficult for your parents.
Yes, I think there do be some difficulties that they try to deal with and it becomes stressful.

There have been some very helpful suggestions, which I will use for support.

Many thanks.

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a 16 year old and puberty made him more assertive and demanding (never abusive or physical more expressions of frustration which are always respectful). It’s never been physical with him but more jumbled emotions as he transitions to being a man.

I say this to let you know that hormones can make some boys testosterone-driven but never to the point of being verbally abusive, hitting their parents or other children or destroying property. Can I gently say that you sound like you carry a lot of guilt for him going through trauma. you show a lot of compassion for your son but little for yourself. You may not realise it but your responses sound like you are making excuses for your abuser. Remember your other 3 children are experiencing this and you are the only one who is in a position to protect them. They are traumatised every time they witness this.

I am not saying this to be harsh or judge you. You are raising 4 children on your own and you can change this if you change your approach.

Your son has learnt from your reaction that he can assault you and his siblings with minimal consequences. He needs to understand that this behaviour is illegal and face the consequences. If you are not more forthright, you are raising a child who has learnt it’s ok to hit women and he will find a woman who will make excuses for his behaviour and repeat the cycle. The upshot is he is likely going to end up in prison in the next 10 years for assault DV or homicide if he does not learn to manage his emotions. Most women are killed in this country by their DV abuser.

please protect yourself and your other children.

Sending you hugs.

This is excellent advice. I would reiterate all of it.

Insist that DS attends program and counselling until he engages. The advice above is sound..

Visit local Police and talk to them alone. Have their number in your phone. Call them for protection if you experience violence with DS.

The rest of the household do not deserve to be experiencing violence.

Are there any male led groups for boys that have a great reputation in your community?
Scouts? Basketball? Woodwork? Conservation maintenence?

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

I would second contacting PEGS - I have known families be very well supported by them.

Is he autistic?

The sensory issue with washing

The routine issue with washing plates a special way

The emotional regulation is poor. (Meltdown) Seems like there is masking at school and meltdown at home.

GCSEs are ramping up and hormones are raging. There's no older male to keep him in order. a bereavement. This is a tricky time for them.

The method I found most effective at behaviour change is to talk to them when they are calm and ask them how they think people feel when he say/does this or that and what the consequences are if he does stuff like hitting.

Does he do sport and have a (male) sports coach? This helped.

Prevention is good. What helps him regulate? (Food, hydration, quiet chill time?)

The problem with this approach is that traumatised children are already carrying around massive amounts of shame and feelings of inadequacy - this is the result of being hurt by caregivers - the brain processes it by turning it into a feeling that the child was at fault and there must be something wrong with them. Loving and consistent parenting builds healthy brains which feel secure and develop positive neural pathways. Parenting which was inconsistent and at times frightening and damaging does the opposite. This boy already feels deep down that he is different and something is wrong with him and sitting him down to have a chat about his behaviour will only reinforce those feelings - which then causes explosions and violence. This is why parenting a child with trauma needs a different approach. Your method works for children whose basic internal working model is “I am worthy of my place in the world and I can separate out myself from my behaviour and see the difference - even when my behaviour is at fault, I am still worthy and loved.” This boy does not have this internal working model because trauma does not allow it to develop.

It’s also why rewards don’t tend to work either and why children can seem to self-sabotage. Read up on the impact of attachment and trauma on teenagers and you’ll see what I mean.

Thankyou so much to everyone that has replied.
I have been reading the replies but I will go back to them and read them again so that I don't miss any helpful details.

BlackeyedSusan@ very helpful reply,
Yes he is masking his behaviour at school and having a Meltdown at home.

There is trauma, I think he's, maybe, he's very confused himself.

Is he autistic?
Thankyou for this question.
This is the path I wanted to explore and maybe rule out.
But there's no obvious signs that I can mention or look out for.

The other thing is as mother, I may put up with his behaviour out of a sense of duty but it's his future relationships that I worry about.

Hopefully most of this is a teenage years phase and he will become a better person whens he's 19 onwards.
Yes I agree and its something I've been thinking about to try and talk to him when he's calm.

Also to talk to him like in a friendship kind of way.
He is a better person when he's calm.

Some 6/7 years ago
I learnt this in a parenting class: I find that rather then telling him what to do, if I ask how he wants something ( in an indirect way, so it makes him think it's his decision) that helps.

I hope that makes sense.

At the parenting class my question was that he get off his ipad and go to bed at bedtime.

Another parent suggested to try this method, of saying something indirectly and making him think it's his decision.
So when it was 9.00pm, I would say ok time for bed, you tell me when you are switching the ipad off and going upstairs?

He would say 9.30 and he would just go upstairs at that time.
It saved me from struggling.

BlackeyedSusan@Does he do sport and have a (male) sports coach? This helped.Prevention is good. What helps him regulate? (Food, hydration, quiet chill time?)He enjoys sports so that's a good thing.He likes his quiet chill time but he spends it on his computer.I just let him be.

Tygertiger@

Thankyou I will read the impact of attachment and trauma on teenagers.

I am so sorry to read this OP, my 15 yo daughter can at times be very difficult and this must be extremely hard.

If he’s bright, he will understand that actions have consequences so I think you need to have that conversation and make very clear that hitting you is wrong, ask him if he thinks it would be acceptable to hit another woman eg his girlfriend etc? Basically that he could end up in custody so should stop. And ask
him why? What is his thought process when he hits you? Are there consequences when he hits you, does he lose his phone?

Two more thoughts: can you connect 1:1 with him - have a day out together somewhere he’d like to go and a nice meal. Get some 1:1 time once a week, even just giving him a lift somewhere?

Also can you reconnect with his dad, explain you are struggling with him, see if he will meet with him and try to build a relationship and explain the error of his ways. Obvs depends if dad is a criminal dimwit or has gone on to lead a reasonable life. Could he potentially go and live with dad part of the time to help him and give you a break?

Such a difficult problem OP, you have my sympathy. My brother was similar when we were kids he had a serious mental health disorder that could only be treated by drugs. He was also very bright and totally different at school. We went to the same school and the teachers we shared really liked him.
In my role as sendco just in the last few years I saw several similar cases to yours. Really myself and the other professionals recognised that they were becoming more common.
Two boys had to be removed from the family home. The one I worked closest with simply needed a different environment. He was totally filled with rage. Another lad had to have the largest and luckily calmest male TA I had to sit next to him in every lesson he attended to keep him in school.
All cases are different but every boy and they were all boys, needed specialist help, and I saw good qualities in all the mothers, I really liked one of the mothers but no matter what she did she couldn't help her son enough. He did become more stable and they have a good relationship now he is an adult by the way.
I do hope things can work out for you and I hope you and the other children can access the help you all should be getting as well.

A LOT going on here, you poor thing.

Firstly, there are some pointers here for AuDHD in my opinion, just based on some of the things you've pointed out. They sound similar to my son who's the same age.

He was never violent though, he went more the other way. It's almost like he dissociates instead of feeling ANY emotion which is calmer sure, but I still get the feeling of helplessness when you see them struggling and don't feel like you can stop it.

You're already getting lots of recommendations for referrals etc so I won't add to it. What I would say is this: I 100% understand not wanting to get him in trouble with the police and I understand it won't help his anger if he feels like his own mother did that to him. However, he's 15 now but he won't be forever. And if he acts out like this in public or when he's older then he's in a much worse position legally than he has now. I only say that to say that if it becomes a desperate, last resort, it doesn't mean his life is ruined. There is still time for it to lead to help and turning his life around.

May I ask if you've talked about this behaviour in his calm times? Does he show remorse? Does he understand why he does it? Perhaps when he's calm you can offer him some options - you cannot allow this to continue but you love him and you know he's a good person so you want to get him help before he gets in trouble. Seeing a counsellor and cooperating with the school, or next time he faces a real possibility of the police being involved. NOT because you want to punish him but because you are his mother and can't do nothing about it. For all your sakes. Would he engage with a conversation like that do you think?