Advice needed for dealing with my 15-year-old son's behaviour at home.

[Rosesandthorns66]

I'm at my wits end and basically needs some advice from parents, who are in a similar situation.
I don't really need opinions from parents who haven't experienced or been in this situation.
As its a sensitive topic and please be kind.

I am a single parent with 4 children. There is absolutely no contact with their dad.
I left because of domestic violence. Financial, emotional and physical.

This is about my 15 year old son.
He is physically and verbally abusive.
I don't know why he does it.
If he wants something done. He says do this you bitch. If I refuse he'll trash the place.
If I try to stop him he will hit me. He hits his siblings. Does anyone do this for no reason, there must be something going on mentally.

I've been to my GP. Pause counselling was suggested. I've taken him to Pause counselling, he won't engage with them.

I've told his school, they've tried to help. They told me he won't engage in counselling the school have offered. A referral was made to a social worker, he's paid us a visit, the household is a safe place, it's his behaviour.

He hasn't had a wash for over 2 months. It sounds unbelievable but its true. He used to be fine with having a bath or shower but this has just happened suddenly.
He has to have his plates and cutlery washed properly otherwise he won't eat from them.
Is there anything else I can do or should be doing. I don't want him getting in trouble but I don't know what to do.

Academically he's a straight A student. He's doing really well. His school teachers have only positive things to say about him.
The school safe guarding teacher can't believe he's like this at home.
He mostly stays in his room, I can't talk to him because he becomes argumentative. When he's physically abusive I lock the living room door and he'll just kick at it and then go upstairs to his room.
Sometimes, I'm so overwhelmed that I have to cry to let my sadness out. I feel so sad.

I don't think theres anything I can do, as I've said above I don't want him getting in trouble.
Thats not the answer, I want to get some help but what help is there?
Has anyone dealt with this kind of behaviour with their child?

Many thanks for reading any helpful advice or suggestions will be appreciated.

He sounds like he is very angry with everyone. As other people have suggested , growing up with an aggressive father will have had an impact on him. I wonder if the patterns that he saw in his early life he is trying to replicate subconsciously. If he wants to have a happy and stable life then he needs to change. You absolutely do not have to put up with this and he needs to sort himself or he will lose everything and everyone.

Thankyou everyone for your replies, I know if I called the police when he's been in a rage. He would be in trouble, possibly get a record.

That wouldn't help matters.
If I was to ask for a section 20, being taken into care wouldn't help his future.
It would make his mental health worse.
It wouldn't help me because losing him would effect my mental health.

I'm in a very terrible and impossible situation here. Nothing I do helps. Being nice to him or being stern.
The more he does it, the more he realises he's getting away with it.

Unfortunately his dad is of no help either. He's not a criminal but he's abusive. So how can an abuser be helpful.

Thankyou everyone for your replies.

The only thing to do is either call the police or ask for a section 20. I'm not ready for that.

Also. I think he's having a terrible time with his hormonal teenage years but then when you add his anger in, that makes it worse.

My life hasn't been easy as a single parent, I'm struggling myself.
He realises that and is playing up.

The more he does it, the more he realises he's getting away with it

Yes. And how will you feel in a few years' time, when he starts beating up his girlfriend or wife?

Come on @Rosesandthorns66 you need to deal with this now. Call the police.

You’re scared you’ll lose him if you call the police on him but you realise you risk losing your other children if you don’t? They are being abused by him, they deserve to be protected.

My mother was in the same position but with emotional abuse from my sibling rather than physical. She was scared of losing her so wouldn’t stand up to her and wouldn’t let me either. She lost me eventually and has no idea why.

I wouldn’t think of the police as just people who will give him a criminal record, our local police has youth crime prevention officers who work on preventing offending, engaging young people in activities etc, could you talk to the officer at the school how they can help with prevention and in a crisis to keep you and all your children safe, I expect they would try and calm the situation down rather than convict your boy of a crime.

That's if I even l can cope for a few more years of his behaviour. I know you are right.

As soon as his school starts, I will ask the school to get intouch with the police officer they use.
I've been told by the school that theycan do this, so I will chase it up.

What about a youth worker or mentoring service. Your local offer may suggest where these are based in your local area. It may be a step before calling the police to help?

i also would be curious about neurodiversity. Does he have a friendship group? Does he get jokes? Take things literally? I agree it sounds like sensory issues around the dishes. I know generally Mumsnet doesn’t like it when autism gets suggested in threads like this, but I think it is a very reasonable question to ask in situations like this. I work with lots of yp experiencing difficulties/youth justice and nearly always the yp is neurodiverse.

imip@

Yes neurodiversity issues, thats what I wanted to look into aswell.

I will look into a youth worker or mentoring facilities.
Thank you.

Another thing that comes to my mind is that he wants to be the centre of attention.

Im so sorry you are going though this. I understand your reluctance to involve the police but you said he is also hitting his siblings. That cant continue. I really think you should call them next time. Tell him youre going to and then follow through.

amber763@
That's the issue, it's like when you are in an abusive relationship and you know you have to leave but you can't. You keep thinking you won't be able to cope or you're just frightened of the unknown.

I have that same fear of calling the police.

How can I get the GP to take any notice regarding any tests for neurodiversity?

The answer to your question is that they are all just opinionated and their chats turn into arguments and they'll start fighting. I've had to separate them so many times to stop the fights.

I treat all my children equally. They are given equal chances towards their education and other things.
They know I'm a single parent on a low income.
I don't favour one more than the other.

What would be the easiest thing of all is to hand them over to their abusive father then they would get a reality check of the difference of living with their abusive dad and what I do for them.

Even after all that, and having witnessed my struggles, they still want to blame me then they are spoilt brats.

So sorry you are going through this. You owe it all your children to have a safe stable home. You cannot scarce your other children's mental health and peace for one child. Call the police and social services.

You say that calling the authorities will mean you lose your son. There are so may stories including threads on here when grown up children understand that this needed to happen some say it was what they needed to turn their lives around.

Thankyou for your reply.

A Social worker is involved, lets see what help he offers.
I will seek further help.