Hysterectomy looming, friend telling me I need to 'man up' because I told her I so worried about the surgery.

[EndlessSeaViews]

Following on from decades of gynae and digestive issues (and basically feeling like a bag of shite all that time), two years ago I discovered I have endometriosis and adenomyosis. I also have a history of poor mental health. I have always tried my hardest to look after myself in the hope of feeling better. I have never smoked, I never drink alcohol, keep my weight down and I exercise. I do all of those things in the hope of reducing my symptoms but I still struggle.

I am now 53, perimenopause has severely exacerbated everything. The last 8 years have no been a fun at all. During this time I have also been helping to care for my mum who is now in the advanced stages of dementia, this in itself is enough to drive me to insanity. I am not saying this for any sympathy but just to give you an idea that my life, like many, has been no fun of late.

Due to my gynae issues I have a hysterectomy coming up in October and because of my stress load and natural anxiety I am at breaking point because I am so terrified of the operation, I have so many fears regarding the op and the recovery and it's genuinely making me feel ill, not helped my the fact I have the world's most unsympathetic gynaecologist (although he is supposed to be a very good endo surgeon so I hold onto that). I do have a lovely female GP though and have booked to see her in a few weeks time.

I have a best friend, we have been friends since primary school, she is very fortunate, she has never had any health issues and never had any operations. She is also very lucky to have guts of iron and can eat whatever she so wishes, she regularly goes abroad and eats whatever she wishes without any tummy woes. I have had IBS and an unruly gut for 30 years and I always have to be so careful what I eat or I will end up unwell for days to weeks which, frankly, makes eating no fun at all. She has never understood this, tells me that I just need to stop overthinking everything and likes to tell me that I am too skinny and just to eat more and things will be ok. She has zero idea what it feels like to have an unruly gut so I just let it go. I don't think she understands the concept of chronic health issues at all, whenever she has any minor health problems she takes a pill or whatever medication, gets better and thinks no more of it.

Anyhow, the nearer my operation gets the more anxious and panicky I am feeling. I saw her the other day and she told me that I am being ridiculous, that she knows so many women who have had hysterectomies and it's a standard/routine operation. The problem is that I don't know anyone who has had this done and so I have no one to talk to or compare notes with as such (I did join some FB groups but they are all full of horror stories which have made things worse for me). She told me to stop over thinking and actually said that I need to 'Man Up!' I laughed it off and diverted the conversation but I felt really upset.

I know that I need to stop stressing but it's easier said than done when you are a worrier and her lack of empathy has really upset me. Am I being silly to feel irked by what she has said to me? She is my oldest friend so I do take onboard what she says to me.

It is a standard and routine operation. It's a big operation, with a significant recovery period, but it is routine. So she's right that this is reassuring as your surgeon will do a lot of these - you aren't a pioneering experiment.
Her phrasing is poor, especially the "man up". But it sounds like she can see you spiralling and is hoping that by not overly indulging it you will be able to pull yourself together. She has confidence that you can, and will, cope with this. You should have faith in yourself too. Best of luck.

No you are not being silly about feeling this way.

I do think a positive mindset will serve you better. Stop reading horror stories and maybe ask for positive stories here instead.

Many women say it’s life changing.

Thank you. I don't think joining the FB groups helped me tbh, I thought it would be great for support etc and it is, everyone on them are very supportive but I do find myself being drawn the the posts where people end up with infections and all kind of nasties and then wishing I hadn't gone down that rabbit hole.

My dh tells me those who have gone through stuff and are ok don't need to post it on SM, they are just getting on with life and he is right, of course. Just need to convince my brain.

Your friend has been quite tactless. Sometimes we just need a handhold not a kick up the bum. Saying “man up” is SO dumb tsk!

I wish you all the best Op, it will make things a lot better for you once you handle the ordeal. I wish you a speedy recovery.

As others have said, it is a routine operation having been done for decades.

The recovery period is long, such is any large operation.

Your friend was probably trying to encourage you to be positive rather than re-enforce your worries.

Reality is, none of us can say it’s a walk in the park and you’ll be fine but apparently 96% of women do not regret having a hysterectomy. So hold onto that.

I would suggest speaking to your GP about your anxiety. That won’t help any stomach/ibs problems.

Good luck.

I'd imagine your friend finds it as difficult to listen to your frequent worries and troubles as you find it difficult to understand her pov about things.

Although a hysterectomy is a routine operation, meaning lots of women have them, it is not "routine" to you. This is a significant life event for you and you are justified in being concerned about it and wanting support with it.

In terms of the health concerns that you've had to endure over the years, the surgery will give you a lot of relief from these symptoms. Yes, a positive mindset is always beneficial in any situation like this, but it's not always easy to foster one.

If this was me, I would start by creating a list of the possible positive outcomes from the surgery (e.g. no more crippling pain/discomfort, etc). Then I would sit & think about which aspects of the surgery am I worried about. Is it the actual operation/anaesthetic, or is it the post op recovery after. For each worry identified, I would then look at how I can minimise or resolve that worry. E.g. talk to my lovely GP about the op, or make plans with my family so that I know my time at home post op will be as smooth as possible. If you work & know you need to be off sick after, how will you fill those days off? What nice things can you plan? Can you start gathering a collection of books to read, podcasts to listen to or Netflix films to watch. Can you plan some nice things to take into hospital to make the experience nicer (your favourite smelling body wash & moisturiser so you feel clean and nice after the op). Do you need some new PJ's or nightshirts that will allow for any medical equipment (catheters or drains) to be easily accessed. All these little things give us a focus, help to ground us and help us to feel a little bit more in control of a situation that we've never experienced before.

You friend has possibly been fortunate enough to not experience ill health/hospital admissions so far. Your perspective does change once you have. If you feel the anxiety about the operation is mounting and feels overwhelming, you can refer yourself to the local Talking Therapy service for support & input (for free).

Good luck & take care of yourself.

Of course you are worried and I don't think your friend is being particularly helpful. In terms of reassurance I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago due to early stage cancer. It was laparoscopic which is easier to recover than open surgery from but either way you do need to take your time and take it slowly. It is a routine operation so you don't need to worry about that aspect but we are all different so it is best not to make comparisons.

If I know the Facebook group you are talking about I would just mute it for now. It can be helpful during the recovery stages but I think it will just cause you more worry in the run up to your op. Remember, people who have an unremarkable recovery (i.e. most of us) don't post on there. It is the rare few that have had issues that are more likely to post.

You are very welcome to DM me if I can answer any questions for you.

I got the nurses on side and when DH came to pick me up they told him I mustn't do any housework for a year 😂

apparently 96% of women do not regret having a hysterectomy

I will definitely hold on to that, thank you.

Tbh, I barely tell her as I know she doesn't have a lot of patience so I always keep things light but when we saw each other the other day she could see I wasn't at my best so she asked what was wrong and I told her.

Thank you so much, that is helpful. I really must make a list to see the positives of the operation.

I am on a waiting list for therapy, my GP referred me due to my caring responsibilities but the waiting list is very long, 5 months so far and it may go beyond my operation date but I may see if I can get some hypnotherapy sessions or something similar to help with the surgery anxiety.

Thank you so much for your reply, it's really helpful. It's really good to hear your operation went well and I hope all is ok now? My hysterectomy is planned as a robotic laparoscopic one so I am hoping and praying it will be an easier recovery than an abdominal one.

I think I may tell DH and the DC that I've been advised no cooking or cleaning for months too lol!

”I am on a waiting list for therapy, my GP referred me due to my caring responsibilities but the waiting list is very long, 5 months so far and it may go beyond my operation date but I may see if I can get some hypnotherapy sessions or something similar to help with the surgery anxiety.”

As an aside OP. As an unpaid carer, you are entitled to a social services carers assessment. That could identify therapy for you as well.

Are you registered with your GP as a carer? They may do Carers Support Payments - ours does.

I have had one.Laparoscopic. Best thing I ever did. Feel so free.
But
(1) Make sure to get plenty of rest after. You may feel a little blue. Get help with housework. Don't lift anything.

(2) Get HRT. Or if you can't, make sure to take calcium and do weight bearing exercise. Your oestrogen will plunge, so make sure you have a plan to take care of that.

I agree with your dh that those who have a good experience dont tend to post on social media. I nearly did but was worried about looking smug! Wish I had done now. But my operation was fine, it was long because of removing the endometriosis, but after a little discomfort on the 1st night with the drain, I really had no pain at all, just felt a little wobby in my abdomen. But you do need to take it very easy in terms of not bending down (e.g. to tie shoelaces, picking things up) else you might ping an internal stitch. This happened to me once and it was fine but to be avoided in general! Also get some really loose fitting bottoms to be more comfy sitting around.
I didn't have any of the problems that some report e.g. shoulder pain, infections, and I had a lot done with the endometriosis removal and total hysterectomy (keyhole).

It might be routine surgery in the sense that is is done regularly but it is still major surgery so anyone that thinks it’s routine and easy clearly doesn’t understand what’s happening or possibly what is meant by routine.
Unless your friend is trying to put you at ease but has gone about it the wrong way and ended up sounding quite insensitive

Oh yes don't bend down and stock up on elasticated trousers and loose dresses.
Try to eat well after to regain strength. Lots of veg, protein, fruit and dairy.

Sometimes, people like your friend (and myself) try to not enable your fears by justifying them to you.

In our minds, we're doing you a favour by trying to realign your focus and energy so you don't get lost in your fear and emotions which are often irrational and debilitating when they are often and across many circumstances. We're trying to reassure you that your emotions aren't reality and things will be fine.

I understand, now I'm older, that this can come across as unsympathetic or appear as though others are brushing off someone's concerns. But, now I'm older, I can actually (I hope) articulate that what we do is very much the opposite and is because we care about the person's emotional state etc.

My mum had a full hysterectomy at your age and was fine. Recovery was harder for her because, like you, she's anxious about all of the 'what-ifs' but those never occurred and she was fine.

I am registered with my surgery as a carer but I did not know this, thank you. I have an appointment coming up and will ask about that.

Thank you, that's reassuring.

I have oestrogel on standby and hope to take it asap after the op.

Again, that's really reassuring, thank you so much.

I will definitely take it very easy and rest as much as possible. The only person I do know who had a hysterectomy was my SIL, she regretted hers but only because she had a 3 year old at the time, kept lifting her up post op and ended back in hospital to repair a prolapse.

Luckily dc are young adults and the only baby I have is my dog but they can all walk him as he is as mad as a hatter.

You are probably right, she is more than likely trying to allay my fears by the way she comes across. I am just super super sensitive atm.

I had one. The full abdominal procedure, and everything out.

Honestly, given what most women endure up to the point of needing to have a hysterectomy, the operation and recovery is a walk in the park. It will give you a life again. The day after the operation is unpleasant (the trying to get out of bed bit, make sure you watch a video that shows you the technique for this), the following two weeks uncomfortable - but if you stay on top of the pain relief, it is absolutely fine. For me it was way preferable to being at work and having to cope with the gynae problem that necessitated the operation.

Then there is the HRT, which relieves the other symptoms you'll have been experiencing.

My only regret is not having the operation much earlier.

I used to lose 10 days of my life every month. Now I can walk, swim, travel without carrying tampons and wearing dark clothes. I do very much recommend exercise after you recover.
But exercise is a natural moodlifter at any stage of life.
Also, I rarely drink. Helps too.