Hysterectomy looming, friend telling me I need to 'man up' because I told her I so worried about the surgery.

[EndlessSeaViews]

Following on from decades of gynae and digestive issues (and basically feeling like a bag of shite all that time), two years ago I discovered I have endometriosis and adenomyosis. I also have a history of poor mental health. I have always tried my hardest to look after myself in the hope of feeling better. I have never smoked, I never drink alcohol, keep my weight down and I exercise. I do all of those things in the hope of reducing my symptoms but I still struggle.

I am now 53, perimenopause has severely exacerbated everything. The last 8 years have no been a fun at all. During this time I have also been helping to care for my mum who is now in the advanced stages of dementia, this in itself is enough to drive me to insanity. I am not saying this for any sympathy but just to give you an idea that my life, like many, has been no fun of late.

Due to my gynae issues I have a hysterectomy coming up in October and because of my stress load and natural anxiety I am at breaking point because I am so terrified of the operation, I have so many fears regarding the op and the recovery and it's genuinely making me feel ill, not helped my the fact I have the world's most unsympathetic gynaecologist (although he is supposed to be a very good endo surgeon so I hold onto that). I do have a lovely female GP though and have booked to see her in a few weeks time.

I have a best friend, we have been friends since primary school, she is very fortunate, she has never had any health issues and never had any operations. She is also very lucky to have guts of iron and can eat whatever she so wishes, she regularly goes abroad and eats whatever she wishes without any tummy woes. I have had IBS and an unruly gut for 30 years and I always have to be so careful what I eat or I will end up unwell for days to weeks which, frankly, makes eating no fun at all. She has never understood this, tells me that I just need to stop overthinking everything and likes to tell me that I am too skinny and just to eat more and things will be ok. She has zero idea what it feels like to have an unruly gut so I just let it go. I don't think she understands the concept of chronic health issues at all, whenever she has any minor health problems she takes a pill or whatever medication, gets better and thinks no more of it.

Anyhow, the nearer my operation gets the more anxious and panicky I am feeling. I saw her the other day and she told me that I am being ridiculous, that she knows so many women who have had hysterectomies and it's a standard/routine operation. The problem is that I don't know anyone who has had this done and so I have no one to talk to or compare notes with as such (I did join some FB groups but they are all full of horror stories which have made things worse for me). She told me to stop over thinking and actually said that I need to 'Man Up!' I laughed it off and diverted the conversation but I felt really upset.

I know that I need to stop stressing but it's easier said than done when you are a worrier and her lack of empathy has really upset me. Am I being silly to feel irked by what she has said to me? She is my oldest friend so I do take onboard what she says to me.

Speaking from experience here...

Before the operation, I was afraid, very sad about losing my womb, anxious I was making a big mistake and afraid of what would be found during the op.

I joined Facebook groups that frightened me and read some more woo woo stuff about the womb being the eye to the female soul and conspiracies around hysterectomies. I was really worked up and nothing could get me over it. Right up until the operation itself, I was in a state.

Afterwards, the worry went because the unknown had passed and I just needed to recover. I was lucky to have loads of help and I rested and recovered well. Got some HRT, had physio, did pelvic floor squeeze app, eventually hired a PT and learned to lift light weights and eventually, heavy weights.

These days, I often forget I had the op. It.was a good decision health wise and I don't miss periods at all.

Be prepared for a slow but steady recovery and obey all of the surgeon's orders. Get as much help as you can and accept that the loss of a major organ is a big deal and the fear is absolutely normal and healthy! (It would be strange not to be scared.)
You can deal.with any set backs but you may find they aren't as bad as what you are suffering at the moment.

Good.luck!

Hi op. I've followed your other threads about your IBS. Your stomach issues have sounded absolutely miserable. I can't imagine spending my life watching what I eat.

I really hope this helps and the consultant finally believes you about the connection between your IBS and your endometriosis.

That's reassuring, thank you.

Thank you.

I too have gone down the conspiracy rabbit hole where women have said how sacred the womb is and it's wrong to let it go etc and others saying it protects against disease entering other parts of the body (??) but in all honesty I'm more than happy for my uterus to leave me. It has never served me well and has completely hindered my life since I was 12 years old. It's the thought of being put under and the recovery which really worries me. If it was an op that could be done under a local and sedation and had a much shorter recovery I would have had it removed the moment I had my last DC.

I just hope and pray it's an easy recovery.

Thank you. If my digestive issues are tied up to my gynae problems and the hysterectomy eases or cures things it would be the icing on the cake, it would be like winning the lottery for me.

If it makes my gut problems worse I don't know how I will cope tbh.

What a load of old hill bollocks!

Stay off FB sites. I joined one after prolapse surgery and it's a load of users winding themselves up and causing anxiety not solving it. Not remotely helpful.

I'm definitely only sticking to the UK based one, some of the others have wild ideas.

My parents were both doctors.
In the days before Dr Google.
My dad gave me some advice that has stuck with me. Don't go on the internet for medical issues.
Get a good doctor and assume all will be fine.
This advice has served me well.
General anasthesia is not a big deal, honestly.

Sacred womb, what rubbish! It"s a body part like any other. So glad to be without it.

That's definitely sound advice from your dad.

Part of my problem and why I feel so fearful is down to my gynae though, he is supposed to be a good surgeon but he has zero bedside manner and has said nothing to put my mind at ease even though he is fully aware of how petrified I am he just talks over me and has answered none of my questions. I am seeing my GP tomorrow in the hope she may be able to help.

If he was more personable I may feel a little less anxious.

A lot of people would take reassurance and courage from the fact hes a good surgeon rather than blaming him for their anxiety about surgery.

In fairness to your blunt friend, she's not wrong. I've lost count of the number of women I know who've had it - both keyhole and the full whack - and all day it improved their lives.

I've had to have six abdominal surgeries myself with another one likely within two years, and I also reiterate that you'll be absolutely fine. Mint or camomile tea in case of gas, don't lift things, take things gently and you'll be grand.

Sounds like you are going to feel so much better after the op and getting the drugs right! Those I've seen have them had a few months gradual recovery then a whole new lease of life.

Obviously it's normal to feel nervous about surgery, most people do. That doesn't mean it isn't worth it.

I rarely reply to posts unless I actually have any insight!
I am 33, HAD adenomyosis, and have endo.
I write HAD as I had my hysterectomy last year. I have 3 young children, a working breed dog and a husband (so 5 kids basicslly haha).
Something I will say is I went into that surgery in so much pain and feeling so defeated. When I woke up, I almost couldnt understand the feeling of complete tranquility with no pain. Well- surgery pain (like gas pains- extra strong mints and fizzy water helped there!) Was there, but honestly, it was NOTHING in comparison to the endo and adeno pain I have suffered. I was up and walking within an hour. I had 1 full day of bed rest and thats it. Some people need longer, and some need less. But within 3 weeks I was building a separation wall in my twins bedroom. I can honestly say, I havent so much as taken a paracetamol for pain since.
That surgery saved my quality of life. Im only writing that as I am hoping it helps lessen your nerves.

It is SO normal to be anxious as you dont know what your recovery will look like. Take things day by day and dont overstretch yourself.
Oh- and do your pelvic floor muscles after a week! Regularly! :)

What?? Where did I say I'm blaming him for my anxiety? I take full responsibility for my mental health and have gone to great lengths to help myself with my issues. I am simply stating that it would have been nice to have been assigned a surgeon who had a kindly bedside manner, being a greatly skilled surgeon is part of it, to be good with your patients adds another dimension.

I have had to endure many gynae and gastro procedures over the years and have never once had any complaints about any of my consultants, this guy has a reputation in our area of not being overly friendly with staff as well as patients. I have consulted privately with his colleague in the past and he is completely different, puts patients mind at ease and is a lovely guy, he has a fantastic reputation as well as being a skilled endo gynae.

Thank you so much.

Thank you and fingers crossed.

You have no idea how reassuring your reply is, thank you.

You literally said you wouldn't be as worried if he had a good bedside manner.

He's not qualified by his bedside manner he's qualified by skill.

I'm not from the UK. It blows my mind that people complain about bedside manner while receiving free surgery.

Well that shows how little you know about the UK health system, it is NOT free, we pay for it in our taxes.

And yes, I would feel a lot more at ease if he had a better bedside manner. Is that too much to ask? You think if someone were to receive 'free' healthcare from wherever they deserve to be talked over and not listened too? For the patient to admit to the consultant they are terrified for said consultant to say absolutely nothing to allay their fears? I'm not asking to be best buddies with my gynae but a more pleasant attitude towards the patient he is intending on cutting open would be much appreciated.

And as I have said, I am not blaming him for my anxiety but I am disappointed that his brusque attitude is exacerbating my anxiety.

I would also appreciate you didn't cherry pick what ever you chose from my replies simply to try and put me down.

I'm not trying to put you down. I'm trying to get you to look at the positives rather than the negatives- for example- you have a skilful surgeon to operate on you on the NHS. Feeling grateful for that rather than complaining about his bedside manner would be better for your frame of mind.
Probably much in the same way as your friend.

Complaining about his brusque attitude is bizarre, imo. He isn't supposed to be friendly and reassuring. Thats not his personality. He's supposed to be good at surgery.

You know that he could be both good at his job AND kind and understanding? I worked within the NHS for 20 years, believe me when I say being a skilled surgeon AND friendly/reassuring isn't a rarity within our health system, it is perfectly reasonable to be both.

He could be. But he's not. That's not who he is. He is still a good surgeon and that is far more important.
It's your right to insist that his bedside manner is increasing your anxiety. I'm simply suggesting that this isn't a useful thing for you to believe about yourself. It would be much more useful to say to yourself... 'I am lucky to have a good surgeon to take care of me, I do not need to worry, his poor bedside manner has no bearing on the outcome of my surgery.'

Good luck, I hope everything goes well and you feel much better after surgery.

I had a laparoscopic total hysterectomy three years ago. I was early 60's and well passed the menopause. After the op I came to with the catheter and a morphine drip and instructions to press the button for the morphine as and when I needed it. I maybe used it four or five times over twelve hours and had paracetamol thereafter. I went home the next day and any pain I felt was minimal - much less than period pain. My husband had a week off and continued to do anything heavy for me for the next month or so. I think I stayed home for a fortnight or so before going out to coffee with a friend who drove me door to door. Within a month it was all symptoms go with my daughter's wedding.

I had previously had key hole surgery for my gall bladder but recovery from the hysterectomy was much easier.

Thank you, that’s very reassuring. My husband is going to take about 10 days off when I have the op so hopefully he can be my butler for a while. I make the most of of those few days!