Have you ever met someone who has no empathy?

[Wivern]

I was wondering about this today after I met up with a friend who meets this description but who I still value a lot because we have been friends for a long time. It made me wonder how many people are like this which we never realise unless they do something absolutely horrific and cruel. The latter are probably the ones that get noticed but I wondered about the ones who don’t because they just blend in and don’t commit crimes?

Those who mention friends they have, that lack empathy, why are you friends? I’m shattered so likely not making sense, but isn’t friendship about caring for one another, supporting one another? Can you do that if you have no empathy? Genuine question.

I have a very close friend who is matter of fact and outwardly doesn’t show much empathy for people she doesn’t know, but if i’m sad and show emotion, she’ll sob. Says it pains her to see me upset. It’s got me wondering all kinds now 🤣

I think I'm empathetic.
When the fire killed over 50 people at Bradford FC my heart broke for them and their families.
However, celebrity deaths whilst sad for their families, don't upset me. When there were constant reports in the media about Caroline Flack and Liam Payne I found it baffling. When the footballer who played for Liverpool died in a car crash and people were travelling to Anfield to lay flowers i was bemused.
My dm and dsil went to London for Diana, Princess of Wales, funeral. Bizarre.
I think these are the people that are not reacting normally. They openly mourn someone they never knew but ignore the family of old Mrs Jones down the road who died after a fall.

Yep! I don't feel other people's feelings - that is actually impossible. I don't imagine I'm feeling them, either, or internalise what they appear to be feeling such that I delude myself I'm some kind of emotional reproduction system.

People's emotions are personal, complex. I would consider it arrogant to assume I could automatically absorb them, and self-centred to make them my own.

What I can do is sympathise, share what they're telling or showing me. Even if I've not experienced the same thing as them, I can put myself in their shoes. I can imagine how I'd feel in their situation - and, more to the point, how they might feel differently.

PPs upthread were talking about cognitive and affective empathy. I'd agree there are people who only understand others' feelings intellectually, and people who only understand them as supposed emotional reflections within themselves. But I don't think that clear division is normal. Most people, to greater and lesser degrees, can both understand what somebody's feeling and respond as a separate individual.

@VillageFete no, friendships aren't all about caring and support. You can enjoy friends that don't do caring, you just have to limit your expectations.

My brother meets all the criteria of a sociopath, so I grew up with someone like this.
As a kid he took great pleasure in killing and injuring animals and bugs - and also hurting me. He thought nothing of stealing from anyone he could and was taking drugs and behaving recklessly from an early age. (Driving drunk/drugged was a recurring theme - as was car accidents.) He has been in and out of MH hospitals his entire adult life as the world doesn’t “get” him. He held up my 96 year old grandmother with a knife to try and get money. He would intimidate people and damage their property. I couldn’t risk him around my kids so have been no contact for more than a decade.

I’m not sure that I have actual empathy, I can’t feel their pain because unless I’ve been through it I can’t know their pain.
I actually don’t even understand how we can feel someone’s pain as if it were your own because how can I?

I can understand why they are feeling like they are, and I can imagine how I would feel if what happened to them happened to me so is that empathy?

However I have plenty of sympathy and compassion and when I see or hear of someone going through something I feel for them deeply. I would consider myself to be a very caring person and would react to someone in pain or trouble, but in a I’m sorry this is happening to you way not a I feel your pain way.

Maybe understanding why they are feeling like they do is empathy of sorts. Even though it’s not happened to me I can understand their emotions and why they feel like that and feel compassion for them

I have empathy to a point. I have empathy for people going through things but not for people who wallow in despair, make it their identity, use it as a crutch for all of life's decisions and interactions and never try to progress past trauma, unexpected events etc.

I become severely annoyed with people who won't find solutions to problems and are overly habituated to emotional responses for attention, validation for inactivity, etc.

I'm not ND but I believe people who anchor themselves in the ways above may be and, on that basis, believe they should seek assistance. But, they don't, and so they annoy me after initial empathy.

I'm not talking about terminal illness, or death of a loved one, I'm talking about chronic illnesses (edited to add: chronic illness caused by lifestyle choices), life mistakes with results that could not or could have been foreseen, addictions, eg.

For these types of scenarios, I spend time with a person offering an ear, condolences and then solutions. If solutions are continually ignored, then I assume the person just wants to be stuck and I don't have patience for people whom I view to be stuck in emotional infancy.

My MIL has no empathy. She pretends to because she thinks that makes her seems like a good person and she is desperate to hide behind a false persona for acceptance and manipulation. She comes across as extremely false but doesn't seem to believe she's transparent. It's exhausting and fascinating at the same time.

Yes.

My parents unfortunately.

Cold, unable to understand that other people have feelings, dismissive of someone's pain, selfish and manipulative. In the case of my mother also enjoying other people's misery and a constant liar.

I got out of that environment totally unable to make relationships and cut off from my emotions.

People like that don't change. If you spot one avoid at all cost!

IME the nurse thing doesn’t just involve patients but also makes them awful team players as they don’t give a flying fuck about colleagues either.

They were fairly reliable under pressure but just didn’t see any point whatsoever in debriefing for example after traumatic incidents.
Our department frequently had devastatingly traumatic events which we would debrief to check in on each other and make sure we all knew we had done our very very best. It was healthy and bonding.
In their opinion, it was a complete waste of everyone’s time and everyone should “just do their fucking job, people die.”

They were not a popular colleague and people would groan if on shift with them.

My son has autism and has zero empathy. Think it’s common in autism though

My DH to a degree seems to find it really hard to work out why or what people are feeling.

There are three types, cognitive, compassionate and emotional..I know several people without any..A friend who laughs at peoples accidents, she is ND.

This is going to sound horrible but when I realise that someone doesn't have empathy I get a really strong revulsion reaction and I know that's not fair as it's not something that they can help. I think I would struggle to feel friends with someone like that as to me friendship at a minimum should involve caring at least somewhat about each other.

My ds . He is neurodiverse but I don’t think that’s the whole picture with him.

hes got much worse as he’s got older

We show it differently

I had a friend who lacked empathy and it's why we're no longer friends

I think I know her! 😅

My mother. Who has rarely shown any emotion towards me her whole life.

I'm recovering from breast cancer surgery. I have an infection and been fitted with a negative pressure bandage. If it doesn't work I may need more surgery. I told her this in her weekly call to me (because my sister said she should call occasionally). Her response was "oh, I've got new teeth and they're painful".

My MIL. She believes she is an ‘empath’, but has no empathy whatsoever. I used to think she would actively seek out ways to make people she was speaking to uncomfortable / upset. Now, after many years, I realise that’s just who she is. For example, when my parent died from Covid complications, she spent an entire lunch listing people she knew who had died from Covid, and had no idea why I was crying by the end.

It’s absolutely baffling and I try and keep my distance as much as possible.

I work with a lady who has no empathy

I like her,we get on well and she's never once shafted me (I watch her like a hawk and she knows it)

But mention something bad and that smirk appears

I work at a drive thru and we both witnessed a bloke get hit by a car and very sadly he died before he hit the floor

I couldn't watch,a dead body is too much for me but she stayed glued to that window with that smirk

It was like she was enjoying seeing them work on that poor bloke,knowing he was dead

I once saw that smirk appear when a young boy walked into a lamppost and hit him head (the bump that appeared was half the size of his head)

She stood and watched me get ice and give him sympathy

She asked me later 'why was that kid yelling?'

Maybe because he'd really hurt himself?

She once asked me why teachers are so nice to the kids as 'they just need a good smack to keep them in place'

She's hard to explain,she hates kids,men and most other humans (unless she does like you) and will take pleasure out of others pain

She can be charming and funny,she will stand up for what she believes in,shes stood up for me (and others) many times,she's well liked but there is something missing in her head

Here you go @Justanopinionnothingmore the hive mind of mumsnet strikes again!

I've spent a lot of time in hospital over the years and and awful lot of nurses are like that in my experience.

Huge empathy towards animals.
I cannot bear to see one hurt or mistreated .
I cannot watch films with animals in, or listen to podcasts without listening to the trigger warnings first.

I cried for weeks when a family dog died and needed to have counselling.

I grew up with a very kind, caring and empathetic mum, who cared for everyone.
She used to comment that she couldnt understand why I was the way I was - cold, uncaring, no sympathy or empathy. I can remember how it used to upset me as I wasn't able to help it.

Other people's distress is a puzzlement to me at best and irritating at worst. ☹️

Interesting. I know and have known many ND people and it has never occurred to me that she might be. Maybe partly as she herself would never consider herself to be so. But thank you, yes an interesting perspective, perhaps she is, just presenting in a slightly unusual way.

Bloody hell @OrangeFlower14 do you know her?
That's exactly what she does! Total denial.

If ever confronted she will deny it, 'not remember saying that' or 'you have taken that the wrong way' even if several people saw and heard her say it.

I think there's something in what you say about aging. Perhaps you see through people when you have more experience or time served under your belt, perhaps your patience for assholery wanes or perhaps they lose the barriers on them they once had as they age. I think often a parent or partner keeps someone's worst excesses in check and then when they die the persons real nature is unfortunately revealed to a wider audience.

It certainly makes you appreciate the kind, gentle, wise people in your life.

Do you lack empathy for people who have lost loved ones, had a stillbirth, been diagnosed with cancer? Things that are just awful 'chance' events.