Have you ever met someone who has no empathy?

[Wivern]

I was wondering about this today after I met up with a friend who meets this description but who I still value a lot because we have been friends for a long time. It made me wonder how many people are like this which we never realise unless they do something absolutely horrific and cruel. The latter are probably the ones that get noticed but I wondered about the ones who don’t because they just blend in and don’t commit crimes?

Yes MIL - lacks empathy and relishes bad news as exciting stories go be retold especially if it involves suicide. We've repeatedly told her not to tell us about suicides unless it's someon we know and we need to know - to no avail.

My husband. But he has ASD and Bipolar 2.

I only see glimmers but he never truly “gets” things, if you know what I mean.

However he does show he cares. He just could never imagine what it’s like to be in other people’s shoes, consider how it might feel to be them.

It can be frustrating it times but now I understand and see more, I’ve learnt to just breathe and move on 🤣

it can be pretty lonely for me though. DD2 is the only one who isn’t ASD bar me, and she’s a rock for me

I’ve just finished reading “The Sociopath Next Door” by Dr Martha Stout. Hugely informative and also quite scary. Apparently it’s around 4% of the population that have no empathy and the only factors that separate those who commit horrendous crimes from those who much more quietly manipulate their way through life - damaging unfortunate people who fall into their path along the way - are things like wealth, opportunity, education and personal motivating factors. All sociopaths are apparently capable of doing absolutely ANYTHING they like and will never feel a twinge of guilt or give it a second thought.

The author notes that countless wars have been fought over human differences like race and religion, but the
perhaps most extreme and divisive human difference - the complete empty hole where empathy is usually found - generally passes us by unnoticed. Really interesting.

I’ve mentioned this before but I went to school with someone I believe to be some kind of psychopath or sociopath. He started to pick on me but luckily my older brother scared him off. After, my brother told me to not ever be alone with him and do anything to avoid being alone with him, even if it gets me in trouble and if it does get me in trouble my parents will back me up. He burned a girl in my class and she’s all scared from it, he got expelled and we never heard from him again, but it was very scary.

Honestly what really scared me is that my brother who was 4 years older and about a foot taller seemed kind of scared of him. We’ve discussed it as adults and he said he just genuinely didn’t know what he was gonna do. Thought he might turn up the next day and stab him in the lunch line. He only got involved because my dad told him he had to stand up for me apparently.

Yeah, and I bet she claims to have no memory of what happened or she'll say people are lying about it

Worst thing about getting older is realising how many of these horrible people that are around i'm sure they didn't used to be so many of them or maybe people get worse as they get older

My brother has no empathy, he’s emotionless.
It seems I got all empathy genes.
Probably needless for me to say we don’t get on at all.

That isn’t true. Research has thoroughly debunked it many years ago. On average ND people have slightly more empathy than NT people, they just tend to express it differently.

Yes - but I think it stems from a place of protecting themselves from potential hurt.

Everyone is different.

It is a very interesting book.

I only know one person who is a genuine sociopath: my step mother. She once actually announced to us all that she has no empathy as though it was something of which to be proud. She treats people like irritating objects which cause her inconvenience and does not care about anything at all except herself. Unlike many sociopaths, she doesn’t even have the self-awareness to attempt to disguise it.

A friend once just looked at me confused when I cried about something. She didn’t even acknowledge that it was happening. I finally twigged she had no empathy then. I’ve never seen anyone not react at all to another person upset, so odd.

Not understanding things the same way as you is not the same as lacking empathy. You say he cares so he does have empathy i.e. is not sociopathic.

Married one. Getting divorced now.

Maybe they just have firm boundaries.

but if they are good at their role and they limit the mistakes from being emotional etc then would that be a good thing ?

Sounds like a narcissist or a Sociopath

Boundaries and empathy are two completely different things. I have met people who have no empathy who expect it themselves but totally unable to give it. Its lack of awareness.

For a few years after a nervous breakdown I had no empathy. I knew how I should be feeling in situations but I just felt nothing.
Now I’m better I have bucket loads of empathy and just hearing about someone suffering has me in tears!

this thread reminds me of this ;

Yes - DH and one of my oldest friends… I also think my 14 year old son and my FIL… honestly, I have noticed more and more as they have got older. I know my DH has none as he told me! Wish he had told me before we married! I’m a total empath and so are my other 2 children. Once you see it, you can’t un-see it if you know what I mean. It’s like a penny drop moment and makes a lot of sense… it’s miserable, really miserable. My friend is cold and, looking back, has got more pronounced with age. I tell her sometimes! My DH will say or do something really heartless and then when I tell him it upsets me, he just doesn’t seem to get it? I wish I hadn’t married him. He’s very cool under pressure and emotionless so would prob make a good airline pilot or something. I think he’s possibly on the ASD spectrum somewhere too. It’s like, if I upset somebody accidentally, I actually feel it inside my body, like a physical pain or ache and I feel compelled to apologise and make amends etc and would change my behaviour so I wouldn’t do it again etc but DH doesn’t feel anything hence it doesn’t register or stop or not repeat the type of upsetting act.

sorry if it’s confusing, but it’s exactly as I see the differences. It’s like he has to almost rote learn, don’t do X because it upsets someone as he doesn’t FEEL it.

My friend is incredibly blunt and can speak quite rudely but doesn’t seem to realise, she does get upset more, but it’s mainly when something happens to her.

My dad was diagnosed with psychopathy. Second husband wasn't, but I'd put money on him being the same. He also has many autistic traits - autism can, perhaps, mask a lack of care for other people.

I've had several friends who really didn't give a shit about other people or, for that matter, animals. It's quite a shock when you realise, but I think you can still have a good relationship as long as you don't expect any support from them.

That said, I strongly dislike the word empathy. There are very many people who understand it as feeling other people's pain. I don't know what's going on with them but, frankly, I don't want them anywhere near me when I'm gong through something or trying to help another person. The last thing I need is someone wailing on about how bad they feel, too! Sorry to all the 'empaths' but you can fuck right off and feel your second-hand pain somewhere else.

Sympathy. That's the useful thing.

My daughter. She has never had any empathy for anyone and is constantly the victim in her own life, even when , as is frequent she behaves horribly towards others who subsequently distance themselves from her. My Mum is the same. I suspect neurodiversity in DD-she had lots of other traits-not sure about Mum-she is an excellent masker where DD is not.

This is a fascinating thread, and I’m only on page 2 but felt compelled to comment.

I’m now wondering if I know anybody like this in real life, but nobody is coming to mind, thankfully, because I would strongly dislike them. What an awful way to be. Rightly or wrongly i’d find anyone without empathy to be a horrible person and would struggle to have them in my life. I think it’s incredibly weird.

Do you not have empathy towards animals either?

What you’ve just said here though, makes you sound like you yourself are lacking in empathy, too though?

My sister! She treats people really badly and just can’t image how her actions affect others, never mind might upset them. I haven't spoken to her for over 10 years but regularly have our elderly parents on the phone in tears over her behaviour.