Husband - Porn Addiction, using AI sex chat bots - Can we get through this?

[Welcometomylife88]

Please be kind ❤️

I’m looking for anyone who’s been through this or similar? I found out a couple of years ago that my husband was on swinging sites though didn’t meet anyone but was also using various porn sites and chatting websites. I confronted him, he was embarrassed said he would change. Our sex life is non existent. He never tries it on with me, I feel very unattractive and rejected by him. I never check his phone as to be honest I worry what I’ll come across. We have a life together and a family. I used his phone a couple of months ago for something, he handed me the phone innocently but I by chance came across an app called Chai. I didn’t say anything but had a look further when I had the chance and my heart dropped. He’s been using multiple websites on a daily basis. I confronted him and he admitted it, he couldn’t not I told him everything I had found. He said his family is too important to him and this time he’s going to make a change, it will never happen again. He’s booked to see a therapist who specialises in this area. He’s seen her once but has another appointment next week. I just went on our iPad and saw he had signed up to a site called Secrets which is an AI sex chat role play site. I of course did more digging and he’s signed up to all sorts again. The sad thing is he’s doing when I’m out the house at the gym trying to better myself. I’m so torn what to do. Part of me is saying it’s still the early stages, he needs help, it was never going to just stop overnight. The other part of me wants to run a million miles away and start a new life. What do I do? Please be kind and try and see both sides. I feel like my whole life is falling apart, I’m trying to stay calm and stable ❤️

What are your reasons for wanting to stick with him? Is he a good father, ie does he put the time in with the kids and put himself out for them? Does he do things for you that make your life better? Why is it worth you overlooking this repeated transgression and your own lack of a sex life?

He’s not committed to you if he’s masturbating to various AI chatbots. This sounds like an addiction and I couldn’t respect a man like him. He’s obviously not intending to stop.

Why would you want to fix this? He’s telling you clearly that you’re not enough.
Do you have children with this prince?0

As someone who went through similar last year. Our marriage is dead. We are still together as I have no were else to go. If u can get out you should.

He is an addict. You can't change him.
For your own mental health and your own self esteem ending the marriage is the only thing you can do.

He’s a great dad, a brilliant dad and outwardly he’s a great husband. Aside from this awful side of him which makes me sick to my stomach and the lack of sex, he’s my perfect man. He will be completely unaware I’ve found all of this again and will just play blissfully unaware like everything is great. It’s the lying and betrayal for me, also I don’t understand why a man would want or need to use things like that when he has a wife who wants to have sex with him! We have been married for 10 years and sadly he’s been like this from the start, the red flags were there but the good parts of him put the blinkers on. With previous partners I’ve always had healthy relationships, good sex life and never had issues with this sort of thing. I should also mention too that when I came across the swingers messages, he was actually talking to other men about them having sex with me….! This is 100% not what I’m in to. I find it really degrading and it just doesn’t appeal to me. On the chatbot sites these women do not look like me, they are super skinny (I’m talking anorexic looking, talking about how much they weigh, ribs and all skinny, dark hair) I’m blonde and curvy! Does he find me unattractive? He says he doesn’t but this whole thing is a mess.

He’s been doing this for years op and won’t stop.

Did he seek any help? Did he want to change? I can get out, I want to be with him, I just want him without all of that. I would be heartbroken to leave but I know I can do it, it would be hard but I know I can

What does he say about why he doesn't want to have sex with you?

He's a brilliant dad - so he does at least 50% of the childcare? Gets up in the night, has adjusted his work to be there for the kids? Fairly shares the grunt work with you?

I’m so sorry, he’s an addict and addicts lie. This will include saying he’s sorry and never doing it again.

You need to divorce him. Things aren’t going to improve because he has no reason to change.

I think there are very many women in your situation - such is the prevalence of the many forms of easily accessible pornography. Some men just mask it and cover their tracks better.

It is recoverable but would take years of dedication from him, and patience from you, as well as the financial and leisure time headroom to allow you to live apart for a while, begin the courtship phase again, to date, and to rediscover each other. A full reset would be required. Is that feasible?

He says he wants to have sex with me but he gets inside his own head and avoids it. This is the bit that doesn’t sit right with me for years I just thought he’s not a sexual person but he obviously is, he’s looking at porn each day. He says it’s because it’s easy and not real, he doesn’t have to worry about anything or being rejected. I’ve never rejected him! I’m his first girlfriend, I think he got knocked back a few times as a teen. Even so, it’s not really a valid reason. He’s 37 now not 17.

Childcare wise, no it pretty much falls to me. I work part time but do all the drop offs / pick ups etc. He is a very hands on dad though, he’s very present when he’s home, he cooks when he’s home, we all sit down together eat etc. Outwardly hes a real family man, he works in emergency services in a respected role. He’s kind, he’s loving, he’s caring. But there is this dark side, I do think he thinks he’s not hurting anyone but he is. He’s told me himself he’s embarrassed and ashamed.

I thought about telling his dad and he can move in with him. It would be embarrassing (For him, not me) then maybe he would actually do something about it. I’m just worried about my 6 year old amongst all this though. We have the life I dreamed of outwardly for her, I work so hard for this and I would like to think I’m a good wife too. I work, I keep a nice home, I do everything for our family and our daughter. He doesn’t have to want for anything. Why does he want this other life? I told him before he’s behaving like a 13 year old loner or someone that can’t have a sexual relationship and has to rely on that?

We have been married for 10 years and sadly he’s been like this from the start, the red flags were there

He won't change now, even with therapy, he'll just learn to hide it better from you. He also knows he just has to say the magic words of "I'll stop" for you to stay in the marriage. It's worked so far hasn't it?

Out of interest how much is his addiction costing? A few hundred or thousands of pounds?

I don’t think it’s costing anything for the porn side of it, not that I’m aware of anyway. The therapy is going to cost money, £65 p/h which he’s paying for but the other things I don’t think cost any money? I have no idea though, I just assume it’s free?

@Welcometomylife88 It is heart breaking when you've put so much emotional collateral as well as pure grit and hard work to build the life you've always wanted, only to discover that there is a risk factor threatening to bring it all down.

He has voiced his reasoning truthfully - pornography is easy. You simply take your phone out of your pocket, and 5 minutes later you are gratified. No need for a couple of days of warm up flirting, subtle body language cues, self grooming, selecting a date venue, being charming on the date, foreplay, or intimate technique.

Although shaming him may be a tantalising option, I think allowing him to keep his dignity while working on the relationship would be more effective - if that is the path you would like to follow. But it is a very narrow and rocky path.

As so many others have said, why would you want to keep this sham of a relationship going?

Do you believe in fairy tales?
Do you think deep down that you deserve no better or that your love can save him and the relationship?

Substitute alcohol or heroin for pornography, and would you stay with this loser in hopes of eventually sailing off into the sunset?

If you would, then you need to pour a bucket of ice cold water over yourself.

Find yourself a therapist. Explore why you are still there.

I would be patient and wait and also be kind in the process if I knew it was 100% going to work but I’m really worried about giving more of my life , only to be in this position in a year or so time again. It’s so hard, we are happy, we have a good life outwardly, I just wish this wasn’t part of him, one because it doesn’t make sense to me, two because it feels like cheating and I feel hurt as well as betrayed but three it’s affecting how I feel and look at myself, I’m questioning my own appearance and why isn’t he attracted to me.

"please try and see both sides".

I am sorry but he doesn't get to have "a side". Have you re-read what you've written? He lies to you, doesn't find you attractive, makes repeated false promises that he'll change, uses multiple sites. He's a liar, a cheat and an addict.

Are outward appearances so important to you that you would live in a relationship with a man who is betraying you daily, if not hourly, and making a mockery of whatever promises he once made to you?

Where is your anger?

That’s an interesting perspective, oddly if it was drugs or alcohol, I’d kick him to the kerb for sure. I think because I don’t see it, it’s different in an odd way but I am so hurt by it, I feel sick, I feel like everything is over when I don’t want it to be. I want him, without all of that

Please, please, please get therapy for yourself.

Your self esteem is at zero.

You don't even want to acknowledge the betrayal, and the hurt and the devastation of rejection.

You say you are happy - but that is not true. You've just got used to being taken for a mug and having your needs ignored.

I’m sorry, but from all of your updates I’m really struggling to see why he’s your perfect man. I wouldn’t choose him if there were no other men left. He’s a porn addict and always has been, probably rubbish in bed as a result, leaves you to do the bulk of the childcare. He’s a manchild. There are much better men out there, or alternatively, be single and so much happier.

You need to tell him you've found what hes been up to and if he doesn't stop its going to cost him his family and marriage. He must have managed it at least once with you because you have a kid together.

To be honest, I feel numb, I don’t feel angry I just feel numb and sad. I’ve given everything to my family and to my husband, I don’t know my life without them. I am worried about how this will affect my daughter. I wouldn’t know where to start with a divorce, I’m also worried about financial consequences of that. We own the house together, do we each get 50/50? How does someone start again? Where would I even start? Do I talk to him about it or do I make plans to divorce and tell him once I have a plan?