Why do some parents feel anxious about school mum groups?

[WarmHare]

Odd question really (more me musing than anything) but I’ve noticed that one of the biggest sources of stress for some mums seems to be not being part of the school mum group, I’m talking about mums with young school age children, primary school.

Why do you think it matters so much to some people, while others couldn’t care less?

My eldest is at school and I’m happy having a chat in the playground, at parties or on playdates, but I have no urge to audition for a new friendship circle. If friendships happen naturally, lovely but I don’t feel the need to create these friendships.

I also don’t worry that my child is somehow missing out because we’re not going on group holidays with 10 other families or keeping abreast of the latest Reception WhatsApp saga.

Am I missing something? I do acknowledge
it’s possibly different if you’re new to the area, a single parent, or have an only child, as the school community might feel more important. But beyond that, I’ve never really understood why it causes so much anxiety for some.

I’ll also confess my privilege; I’m not a single parent, I have more than one DC & I have a relatively good social circle, so I do see how others may feel I don’t “need” to be part of the “mum group” but I also know mums with my privileges who do crave to be part of it.

What am I missing?

I think some people are quite socially anxious and also managed to get themselves quite isolated when they had children. So suddenly primary school seems like it will be an opportunity to talk to adults again and have friends. And when it doesn’t happen, the social anxiety cranks up.

Me personally, I couldn’t give two shits about school mum friends. I chat to people when necessary, if I see them at school or a village event or at a friend’s house. But I have friends! My friends are from childhood and uni and work and hobbies, with a sprinkling of neighbours and dc’s friends’ parents. I’ve not ever really had ‘mum friends’. The friends I have who are mums I also tend to know in another way. I’m not involved in the school mum groups and actually actively avoid some of them. Too much drama for me. But I also never felt like I needed more friends and I certainly didn’t want them to be other mums from school that I have nothing in common with.

Some people need friends.

I've never noticed this. I've seen a lot of post from mums being nervous about talking to other parents, but really not ones saying that they are worried about not being in the alpha parent group (and if there was such a group at my DC's schools, I must have entirely missed it - most people just dropped off, picked up and made occasional small talk about the weather and the traffic).

people like to fit in. there's an, I'd say, evolutionary urge, to be part of the society we find ourselves in.

you're in a conclave of caves, if you don't get on with the other Moms they're not gonna watch little Grrr whilst you birth the next one, won't help with the birth, won't share their meat from mthe but, won't tell you where the saber toothed tiger was last seen.

you're in the school playground. if you don't get on with the other Moms they're not gonna pick up little Gloria when you're running late, or film the school play when you're giving birth, won't remind you when it's the bake sale or what day Crazy Hair Day is, Gloria might not get invited to play dates and parties etc.

plus it can be lonely, the cumulative number of hours we spend on school playgrounds or outside classrooms or waiting at the gates.

my school mom group helped at a point in my life when I was struggling massively emotionally (ds was a complex 3 year old) but we're still mates now they're 11 and moving on. we help with pick ups and drop offs, have child free nights out, record each others kids in assembly, as well as the usual "what day is...." nonsense. I have younger kids and one of those school Moms has a kid in the same class so we'll be Primary School Moms from 2018 - 2030 and our older two are in high school together, younger ones hopefully will be. that's through to 2035. that's not an insubstantial part of each others lives.

I've read a few posts on here where mums believe their DC are excluded from friendship groups, parties, playdates etc partially because they're not good friends with other DCs' mums, so I think a lot of it may stem from worrying about your child's social life and popularity. I think it's utterly childish and unkind to exclude DC for this reason, but it seems like it can happen.

I think for some people, the school run and indeed the whole school scene is a huge part of their lives. For others, they just drop their kid off and go. I’m in the latter camp. But I’ve known many, many parents over the years who are desperate to be queen bee in the playground and on first name terms with the teachers. As pp said, probably some evolutionary desire to belong and even dominate a group. Either that or they have very little else going on in their lives.

Yes, I hadn’t really considered that, motherhood can be lonely & if it has become isolating I can see why being part of “the” mum group may feel like breaking away from that, not particularly emphatic of me to not consider that but like you I’m probably closer to the “couldn’t t give a toss” end of the spectrum.

But why does wanting to be friends with that particular group seem so stress inducing? you rarely get posts from mum’s feelings left out of running club, the gym, or book club etc

Really, I’ve read two posts just today with similar topic threads, one where the mum is feeling pushed out the group and one where the mum is struggling with friendship and it’s causing anxiety around her daughter potentially being left out of play dates….

I see some of your points about being kept abreast with school information (crazy hair day, god help us) but let’s be realistic that information is constantly being fed to parents via the school apps/messaging systems/social media platforms/letters you definitely don’t need to be part of “mum” group to gather that information.

With regards to not receiving help, this help & supports usually, like it does in the real world, happens over a period of time, by getting to know individuals, and nurturing true friendships not be creating a pseudo friendship group, just like the mum you mentioned in your last paragraph.

School mum groups can be so toxic. The one at ds primary school was ok for about 18 months until I separated from exh then I was frozen out, ds wasn't invited to parties & playdates & I was totally ignored in the playground at drop off & pick up times. Gradually the group shrunk to the alpha mum's, everyone else was given the silent treatment & they spent all their time bitching about everyone outside their circle.

I agree this does seem to be the big reason why it stresses some mums out, but i do often wonder when reading those post if some of the feelings their children may be experiencing are just reflections of the parents own anxieties & worries i.e a mum finds out their DD hasn’t been invited to a party, the DD hasn’t mentioned it, once mum finds out it then becomes an issue, not sure if that makes sense.

Yes, I work part time so half the week I can mingle and chat the other half of the week it’s drop and go, I reckon those with more ability to stop and mingle every day make that time of the day/group of people a lot more significant in their lives.

I do notice from reading posts that it always seems to be the single mums and/or those going through separation that seem to get edged out, like they were accepted initially but once their relationship status is revealed or changed they get moved down the social ladder, completely gross behaviour & just heightens my desire to not be overly involved.

I knew no one in this town before we had the DCs, DH and I each worked 20 miles away in opposite directions, that's why we moved here but it's not our home town and none of our school/college/uni friends, or relatives are anywhere near. So I made friends at ante-natal class, toddler group etc but when it came to school none of those friends DCs were at the same school. So as we were looking at 8 or 9 years seeing the same people at the school gate and events all the time it made sense to want to make some friends there. I take the view that you can never have too many friends and I will chat with pretty well anyone. I made a really close group of mum friends there, we still do lots together now the DCs are in their 20s. I still see school/uni etc friends too but I love having local friends I can meet up with spontaneously or bump into in the street. So yes, it would have been a real shame if that hadn't happened.

Some people like to fit in or be part of a tribe. Maybe they always wanted to be a mum and see child / school goings-on as a part of their identity. It’s important to them & by extension their children. Maybe they like the drama! Or perhaps it’s just genuine friendship, they hit it off, like you’d meet any new friends. Like meeting friends in school, I suppose!

I’m not involved with the school mums at all, really. Apart from a quick chat at parties etc… I was glad DS was born during Covid so I didn’t have to do mum & baby classes. I’m a person with a child, and while I love being his mum, I hate being regarded as “a mum”. Does that make sense? Maybe other women relish that title, that place in life.

And that’s fab, but why do you think it becomes the “be all & end all” for some mums?

I get taking the time to cultivate friends with DC school mates parents can be great, two birds one stone type of situation - kids get to play together and parents get their social batteries filled as well, but why does it become this pivotal moment for some mothers? Why is it stressor for some and nice bonus for others?

Could be a throwback to their own school days of being frozen out /picked on and some stay bullys all their lives.

I do think there is a lot to be said about where a mum feels she is in the social hierarchy of the school they then feel that that position within the hierarchy extends to their DC (whether this is true or not) and I suppose if you feel like that, consciously or subconsciously, you desire would be to be part of the mum group.

Re relishing in the title of mum, ummm…. I love being a mum, but I do agree I’d be a bit miffed at myself if it became my whole personality.

Yes, I didn't think of this… bit of a second chance to feel included in school albeit slightly twisted as it’s not them in school.

not all schools have WhatsApp groups.... we have a messaging system that's honestly not used much. the 10 pm "is it...m" to a group of people who care about me is much more useful. I hate the idea of class wattsapp, at least my group is drama free.

absolutely those support systems are build in longer term real friendships but how do you think I got to know these women enough to build those relationships? my talking to random moms at the school gate in nursery years and finding which people stuck. I never really talked to the "in group" cos they'd all kown each other all their lives, DS isnt particularly sociable so there were no play dates etc from random Moms, it was just finding eho was friendly to talk to and that kinda amalgamating into a friendship group.

I have younger ones and I feel the difference. I talk to Moms but I don't have a network.

is that any different to groups of friends elsewhere tho? genuine question cos a. none of our group are divorced b. I know it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. tbh the only Dad we interact with, as in partner, does equal number of drop offs so I know him but he's not actually in our wattsapp group or invited for dinner (cos he has to look after the kids) so relationship status is immaterial. I guess if you're socialising as couples and you stop being a couple, some people are just dicks.

I think you’ve misunderstood what I was pondering, by saying “I hate the idea of class wattsapp, at least my group is drama free” and “talking to random moms at the school gate in nursery years and finding which people stuck” I wouldn’t put you in the category of wanting to be in the “The” mum group… you’ve obviously carved out individual friendships over a longer period of time.

Sorry I’m a bit confused on what you are saying?