Why do some parents feel anxious about school mum groups?

[WarmHare]

Odd question really (more me musing than anything) but I’ve noticed that one of the biggest sources of stress for some mums seems to be not being part of the school mum group, I’m talking about mums with young school age children, primary school.

Why do you think it matters so much to some people, while others couldn’t care less?

My eldest is at school and I’m happy having a chat in the playground, at parties or on playdates, but I have no urge to audition for a new friendship circle. If friendships happen naturally, lovely but I don’t feel the need to create these friendships.

I also don’t worry that my child is somehow missing out because we’re not going on group holidays with 10 other families or keeping abreast of the latest Reception WhatsApp saga.

Am I missing something? I do acknowledge
it’s possibly different if you’re new to the area, a single parent, or have an only child, as the school community might feel more important. But beyond that, I’ve never really understood why it causes so much anxiety for some.

I’ll also confess my privilege; I’m not a single parent, I have more than one DC & I have a relatively good social circle, so I do see how others may feel I don’t “need” to be part of the “mum group” but I also know mums with my privileges who do crave to be part of it.

What am I missing?

No I think I’m possible social awkward towards some people but I’m fine with others to chat away. I don’t understand small talk and sometimes I see people having small talk and think what do they even talk about cos I have nothing to say or share. 😂😂

My reasons for not joining the parents nights were no child care as husband works abroad most of the time, no family to help look after kids, I can’t afford nanny’s like all the parents had, I don’t drink alcohol and mainly because I chose not the be there as I didn’t think I had anything in common to talk about as I’m working class and they are upper middle class.

There were other parents that didn’t go to many get togethers and I spoke with one parent that told me she was socially awkward yet she never felt pressure to attend any plans to avoid any mistreatment of her child.

I have to say there was a click of about 4 mums in my child’s class that thought they were above everyone else. I swear to God two of them were actual racists. I could feel the negativity towards me all the time but I never let it bother me. One snatched a bag out my hand on the final day of school. I didn’t want to knock her out but I just though Biyachh I’m not going to see you again and I’m not going to lower myself to your level. Literally like Regina from mean girls.

I avoid groups of women since I was part of a WhatsApp group of mums who started bullying this woman about her Instagram posts and being racist. When I stuck up for her, they didn’t like it. They kept on bitching about her so I left the WhatsApp group. They didn’t like that either.

Honestly, people are pathetic. People say men are different but I don’t really think so - I think they engage in behaviour like this too.

I don't think you're quite getting the point this poster and a couple of others have been making. It's not that our bad experiences make us want to be part of the group, per se; it's that our bad experiences make us afraid that the group will be actively horrible to us (like the poster who was ostracised and gossiped about).

It may be daft (I largely overcame it, though the niggle was still there at the end despite 11 ok years) but that's how childhood experiences shape us.

Okay, so to clarify your perspectives is it’s better to part of the mum group than not be part of it, as then the worry of being potentially ostracised/bullied is removed?

Correct me if I’m wrong but if that’s genuine (and understandable) fear for someone who had negative experiences with school, wouldn’t it make more sense to just avoid attempting to join new friendship groups? Kind of like, be polite, have friendly chit chat but nothing deeper than that?

I hated the school drop off because of the Yummy Mummies who would drop their darlings then go off jogging. Nothing wrong with that but we didn’t need the judgmental looks from them to us ‘less perfect’ mothers.

I did chat to other mums but because I wasn’t a SAHM, I never really got to know them really well. I did join the PTA and help with the parent/teacher AmDram group so I did make an effort in other ways.

I think when they are very little, parents tend to want to do playdates with the children of people they personally like. It can mean that it appears that there is a group that is excluding others but they really aren’t. i get though how it can feel if you have social anxiety or weren’t popular in school yourself, it can trigger as pp said some hard wired evolutionary fears of being cast out of the tribe. I think it’s pretty much unintentional, people just get on with who they get on with.

I’m not in a mum group but have a few friends who have children my DD really gets on with (tbf it’s probably the other way round, I’m friends with them because our children get on and they happen to be lovely). I think to me the important thing is DD has authentic friendships and I imagine as kids grow some may start objecting to having to spend a lot of time with kids they don’t like. Some will definitely turn into firm friendships. I think parents sometimes fear their children will be left out. Also I’m an introvert I don’t particularly want personal demands on me (I don’t ask people for help either). I see it all as facilitating DD’s social life rather than mine.