Why do some parents feel anxious about school mum groups?

[WarmHare]

Odd question really (more me musing than anything) but I’ve noticed that one of the biggest sources of stress for some mums seems to be not being part of the school mum group, I’m talking about mums with young school age children, primary school.

Why do you think it matters so much to some people, while others couldn’t care less?

My eldest is at school and I’m happy having a chat in the playground, at parties or on playdates, but I have no urge to audition for a new friendship circle. If friendships happen naturally, lovely but I don’t feel the need to create these friendships.

I also don’t worry that my child is somehow missing out because we’re not going on group holidays with 10 other families or keeping abreast of the latest Reception WhatsApp saga.

Am I missing something? I do acknowledge
it’s possibly different if you’re new to the area, a single parent, or have an only child, as the school community might feel more important. But beyond that, I’ve never really understood why it causes so much anxiety for some.

I’ll also confess my privilege; I’m not a single parent, I have more than one DC & I have a relatively good social circle, so I do see how others may feel I don’t “need” to be part of the “mum group” but I also know mums with my privileges who do crave to be part of it.

What am I missing?

tb i think it's as, these women are also anxious about settling into a new job, meeting the in-laws for the first time, going on a hen do with strangers. but it's just more broadly spoken about.

some people want to be liked. some don't care. some people assume they'll be liked, some people never give it any thought, some people assume they won't be liked or accepted.

if you want to be liked and fit in but assume people don't easily connect with you and like you, then of course 29 other parents is a scary propos5

sorry, I'm tired.

women each other different when one gets divorced

are school mom groups any different to any other group of friends for this?

is it worse if you socialise as couples?

ultimately some people are just dicks and will treat someone differently like this in whatever scenario they know each other

but I don't know of the people anxious on here are only anxious about being in "the" top geoupm. I think they're just anxious about making friends. and one of the reasons making friends matters is because of the proper friendships you build from it. it may be of your school has a top dog group that it's more appealing but I don't think most schools do, they just have different groups of people who like each other.

I made three good mum friends - we were all the outcasts from the in-crowd!

The best bit was they all still included exh as if he was the wronged party even though I had left him due to DV. One of the mums even gave a statement against me & turned up at the Family Court hearing where she was told by the judge that everything that went on in the court was confidential & not to be repeated outside the court, by Monday morning it was all round the playground. Months later when I turned up at drop off with my new partner the entire playground went silent when we walked in & from then on whenever I went in they all turned their backs on me.

My post isn’t about the school our DC attend, it’s about other users posting on mumsnet regarding the topic, as in it’s seems to be a heightened stress area comparatively to other areas when making friends, for example you don’t get many post about making/wanting friends at the gym, work or social clubs.

Possibly, but there does appear to be a heightened anxiety for some (not all) mums about making friends, becoming part on the school mums social circle or just generally being included in these mum school mum groups.

Like you lots of friends already and any extra are a bonus.

However I expect if I felt excluded ie people blanking me if I said hello, stopped talking when I arrived or any other rude behaviour i would have been upset by it. Not because I need friends but because I am being treated poorly. And if the parents do this then they are arseholes so I would also worry they would exclude my child too.

I never met anyone at school who was like this. All happy to chat so no issues. I am surprised how often it happens on mumsnet and grateful to have had a better experience.

I can only speak from personal experience but I really enjoyed my social life when DC were at primary.

I had quite a few mum friends but I wouldn’t say we were a ‘group’. We did meals out w a small group of couples, but never big holidays (we did go away for weekends a few times with one particular couple - and our DCs - 12 years on we still see them socially).

I didn’t really notice big alpha groups. There was a small one in my eldest’s year but they weren’t very nice so I wouldn’t wanted to have been a part of it anyway.

I’ve always been I. to making friends. At the time I was a SAHM and so were many of the mums. I’m a friendly sort (a bit shy but I overcome the shyness) and then other mums invite you for coffee when you pick up from a play date or after drop off etc. my DS went to the school nursery so there were a lot after finishing at 11.30am! Often mums came with.

It was a fun time! Now I’m older, health is shit, etc so I look back on those days (a lot of fun 40ths, drinks out etc) and am glad I made the effort.

Just to clarify as maybe some people have misread this post as “why do mums wants to join the mum group at my DC school” the post isn’t about that, it’s just me musing (and wondering what I’m missing) on why some mums find becoming/wanting to become friends with mums at school such a stressor.

Thanks for the ones that contributed & there were some valid points: some mums may have become isolated in motherhood and see this as opportunity to gain friends who have children, some maybe had negative experiences in school and this as I somewhat misguided attempt to correct that & some maybe have more free time than others and see it as opportunity to occupy themselves.

For those that said they made lovely friends that’s fab, but not the point of the post, again the post was me trying to identify why it’s becomes so pivotal to some mums (to the point we can sometimes see daily post about it) compared to say mums making friends at the gym, or work, or social clubs (that they may also visit 5 times a week)

Social anxiety plays a part. I also think there's this idea that's promoted in the media that when your child goes to school, you're going to form these intense friendships with the parents of your child's classmates. And when that doesn't happen, you feel like there's something wrong with you. I used to care about it when I was younger and my younger kids were going through primary school, but no longer. If anything now, I actively avoid, though I am happy to chat at the gates and will obviously be polite.

I made 3 Mum friends 2 of them have lasted for 20 years from reception at primary school. The other was from secondary school surprisingly, her DS has severe allergies so she contacted me when he was invited over for tea.

There was a very sad post about someones childhood friend dying yesterday , two of my childhood friends died when we were all 54, that reminded me of the quote from stand by me the film

I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"

People want to recreate that or experience it if they didn’t have it so they see it as a chance.

I would imagine the people that get that anxious get anxious about many things in life. I was stand out different in that playground. I was the only person that wasn’t white but a million times worse I am a Southerner which was exactly what they told me made them suspicious plus I was a lot older than most Mums, it’s quite deprived where we live. Honestly the two I met when DS was 5 helped me through the worst time of my life when DD died.

The playground didn’t scare me but I love meeting people and have relocated totally in my life a few times as has DH before we met. We only settled for so long because of the kids.

DC1 started reception in Sept and i’ve not been able to make 1 new mum friend. I have never been so isolated and lonely as i have since becoming a parent and i was hoping to make a new friend tbh. But a lot of them already know eachother from attending the preschool attached to the school.

If I didn't socially fit at the gym/ book club etc, I can find an alternative with better social fit. You're stuck with the school gates for a long time with the same cohort of people. Potentially 10 mins 2x day for 7 years (plus extra for additional children) is a lot of time and it is more comfortable if you fit socially than feeling like an outsider.
Plus parent friendships often affect child friendships, particularly in the younger years.

the enforced prolonged loitering with staggered dropoffs for different siblings in Covid was a particularly tortuous phase

I didn't click with the bigger friendship groups at my DCs' primary, but found people friendly on a 1:1 level. I found the working parents who were more intermittent easier to chat to, but they weren't there daily and some days could be a bit lonely if there wasn't someone to chat to. While I have plenty of life and social activity beyond my children and their school, that didn't do much to liven up the school run and waiting, and it is nicer if you have a pleasant time doing it.

why would a mum of an only child be desperate to be part of the school mum friendship group?!

asking as a mum of an only child who is not desperate to be part of the mum friendship group.

For me it was that I only have one child and it was a massive shock to suddenly go from hanging out with my friends and toddler half the week to working from home on my own and not seeing my friends. I lost touch with some of them because they weren't close enough to be 'weekend friends' and felt disoriented and lonely in the week. I hoped to make new ones at the school gates and when that didn't happen because of differences in personality / them already having their own school gate groups because of kids in higher years or forging new ones without me because they had babies I spiralled a bit. I'm autistic and very sensitive to social stuff at the best of times. I long to fit in but rarely do. I then focused on making individual friends in other areas but it took a long time.

I can imagine that anyone who’s been bullied at school, where there was a clique with a nasty little Queen Bee* calling the shots, may see (or think she sees) something similar at the school gates.
*we had one such at my senior school, and I don’t think such people necessarily change very much.

After we returned to the U.K. when dds were 10 and 7, I was of course new at the school gates, and certainly did see a pretty obvious, seemingly closed clique, not that it bothered me in the slightest. But I can see how it could make someone else feel upset, anxious and rejected.

That sounds like a lovely experience and I can see that you took the time to create true friendships however that wasn’t what the post is about.

The post is asking why do some mums seem to pin everything on making friends with school mums? Why does it become so pivotal in their lives? Why is it such a stressor resulting in what can sometimes be multiple posts a week on mumsnet.

On my last update I put some of the responses I got from people that could answer that question; loneliness in motherhood, not having friends with children, bad experiences in their own school journey, et cetera

I think you’re right, I think there are just some people in the world who when they see a group (wherever that may be school, gym, work) even if they don’t have anything in common with those people, they feel a desire to join that group to be part of it - probably al relates back to their own childhood

For me it was trying to meet people. I was 400 miles from my family and friends and didn't know anyone. I met my friends (they're still my friends 20 years later) through playgroup and school. Apart from one awful experience with someone, which I had never experienced before in my life, I've been very lucky with the people I've met.

MN is also a hotbed of people with “health anxiety” which like school gate anxiety is not a thing I’ve ever encountered in real life. Anonymous forums generally seem to give people the freedom to indulge their worries.
To answer @WarmHare question though, it’s probably harking back to their own childhood and wanting things to be different for their kids. I understand that completely.

Yes, if you scroll down from my post and go onto the “similar threads” board one of the topics that seems to be common throughout is somebody spiralling over one comment, one unanswered WhatsApp message, one episode of feeling they’ve had been ignored etc.

I think you’re right, if you are ND or autistic. or have social anxiety this can massively affect you.

I have two different experiences simultaneously.
My eldest has just finished year 6 at a prominent sw London prep school. There were two year groups throughout the school so each class has their own WhatsApp group with self nominated class reps.

The group was used for the usual school notifications etc but also some party invitations. Usually the parents would create a private group just for their child’s birthday etc.

These people are high fliers, I’m just working class. We children whose parents are from backgrounds such as Oligarghs, Bloomberg, Barrister, BBC Execs, Cabinet Office, Pilot, well celebrated artists, architects etc.
Yet you would never know their jobs from their down to earth chilled attitude in the group. I’m a stay at home mum.
Through my child’s entire primary school we’ve never felt excluded or anxiety to join their planned Friday nights at the pub.
if you turn up you do. If you don’t it’s all good.

I’m not interested to make new mum or dad friends. The group had a great mix of both mums and dads taking on roles for their children. Not just mums.

My second child that just completed reception year at a state school is a totally different experience. They have no WhatsApp groups. I had to create one as most are non English speaking or English as second language. This group is a lovely carefree group and sometimes the odd parent will ask for missing homework or reminder for something. But there is no pressure here too. It’s less engaging and zero stress.

I personally don’t crave to be part of any group, I don’t have the time or energy to make new friends just for the sake of my child. I just want to go and pick up my child and go home. I don’t want to walk to the park with the kids and parents as I absolutely hate small talk.

I don’t know what my point is but I guess I’m saying is I have no interest to be in any alpha groups and I’ve not experienced them either.

Yes completely, from reading peoples comments and having a look on the “similar threads” posts I do think a lot of people see it as them not wanting their children to experience what they maybe experience, they feel somehow by being part of a group their child isn’t gonna be exposed to bullying or left out.

Do you think you’re experience with never feeling left out, feeling not pressure to join them at the pub is more to do with your personality being relaxed and not really caring, and that maybe a different mum in that school year who is more socially anxious or feel they don’t want their child to have any negative experiences in life, will feel the pressure to join them at the pub on the Friday night?….. just me musing.