Pregnancy and vaping. Would you say something? If so, what?

[QuercusAlba]

DH and I are currently visiting DS and DDIL. They’ve announced DIL is pregnant. This is our first grandchild and I’m so pleased and excited.
DIL, however, is vaping. A lot. This clearly is not a good or healthy thing for the baby.

Would I be verging into terrible, interfering MIL territory if mentioned that it would be better if she stopped? Is there a tactful way to approach this, or should I stay out of it?

Stay out of it.

Theres no way she doesn't know.

If you start giving unsolicited advice now it's going to backfire very badly on you, your relationship with her, and ultimately, your grandchild.

That’s such a tough one OP.

im not sure saying something would do any good. She’ll already be aware of the dangers & risks yet she’s choosing to do it anyway. Therefore im
not sure how much it wouls actually achieve.

having said that, if the unborn baby was my grandchild i would really struggle not to say something

Yes. But sitting by watching her damage the baby while biting my tongue is hard. I hoped to find a tactful way to broach the subject.

@blythet

Exactly.

There is no tactful way to tell her she's damaging her baby and she needs to stop.

She will know, she has likely told the midwife who can give her information, she is making her own decisions about her own body and her own pregnancy.

Do you really think pointing it out will make her stop? Or will it piss her off?

You definitely should not say anything. She will be aware - her midwife will have told her and offered support etc. The unborn baby is not your child; you don't get a say

I can't wait for your DIL's future posts about you om mn OP!
Only a complete idiot would say anything to their DIL about this and still expect a relationship with their future grandchild.

Vaping is offered as a form of smoking cessation to pregnant women on the NHS. I can’t believe you’re actually considering saying something to her about this. If you take that route, don’t be surprised in a few years time when you barely have contact with them.

I can absolutely understand why you want to say something, I really do. However will saying anything stop the vaping? No, BUT it will piss your DIL off, which will likely make her vape more. She knows she shouldn't be doing that.

So if you're aim is protect your grandchild, dont say anything. If your aim is to just let your DIL know you dont agree with her choices, then go ahead.

I understand how you feel but no. You can’t say anything.

Think of this as a practice run for all the times you will have to bite your tongue over the coming years.

Stay out of it. Seriously. Your dil will not thank you for it and she’ll have you down from the start as an interfering, stick your nose in, mother in law from hell.

I say that as a grandmother of 3. I have to bite my tongue all the time with my ds and his partner, she vapes and smoked, yes both, throughout all her pregnancies and their actual parenting is questionable but they’re not my kids and its not my life,

it will only damage your relationship with her. She’s a human with autonomy, not an incubator for your grandchild.

Could you have a quiet word with your son and tell him how worried you are?

If it helps put your mind at rest, when I was pregnant about two years ago, there were signs all over the sceanning department saying that it was 'fine' to vape during pregnancy. The risks compared to smoking are so minimal and there was 'no proof of damage to babies' that they were pushing moving to vaping really hard.

Not saying I agree or that you shouldn't have concerns, but I don't think the NHS would be actively advertising this to pregnant mothers if they weren't very, very sure that the risks to mental health or reverting to smoking weren't pretty high. I say this not because I think you're worrying about nothing, just that she might not be being as selfish/thoughtless as you imagine and it might reduce your change in opinion of her choice, if she's seen them too.

I took a photo because I suspected it might not date well - I'll see if I can find it.

Stay out of it OP - not your body, not your business, it’s as simple as that. It’s understandable that you have an opinion, but her becoming pregnant does not make her body up for public discussion. She won’t listen and she will probably mark your cards as a difficult MIL now that she’s pregnant.

I'm sorry, I can't find the photograph I took (old phone) but there's a similar one here produced by Tommy's (although the one I saw was even more 'reassuring' saying that nicotine was unlikely to harm baby and it was far, far better than smoking.

I appreciate you didn't actually say that she used to smoke and it's a smoking cessation aid. And once again - I'm not saying I know enough about it to agree or that your concerns aren't valid. I was surprised enough by it myself to take a photo.

The NHS actually tell you it’s fine to vape, I believe in my trust if you smoke they give you a vape as an incentive to quit smoking. I wouldn’t say anything because it’s not really your business. If you choose to say something be prepared for them to expect you to be the interfering grandmother

@QuercusAlba I wouldn’t say anything. The baby will be first and foremost her child, not your grandchild. Vaping is seen as far less harmful than smoking in the NHS.

Considering many years ago smoking was considered safe in pregnancy and sometimes encouraged, I'm not convinced vaping is safe for anyone despite what the NHS say.
It's simply not been around for long enough to prove long term effects either way.
However I don't think there's any way you can bring it up without pissing her off.
The only thing you can do is hope she mentions quitting herself and then you can gently encourage her so maybe look into ways of doing so just in case.

Poor kid. Your son made a bad choice. Nothing you can do.

I don’t think it’s safe either, but pregnant women are allowed to make choices that other people think are wrong.

Thanks for all your posts.
Blimey, lots of people pretty irked at my even asking this! I haven’t said anything, just looking for advice on handling my not unreasonable concerns for my grandchild.

I don’t really agree that the MOST important thing is not souring our relationship because I’ll see less of DGC, that’s a pretty selfish standpoint; surely the most important thing is the health of this baby.
That said, I agree that my raising the subject will do nothing to change the situation and may just leave a bad taste.
I do actually like and get on well with DIL.

And no, it’s not to quit smoking: she’s vaped for years.

I may chat to her generally about health in pregnancy- we’ve had lots of chats about pregnancy and yes, encourage her if she mentions it.

FFS I haven’t said anything, merely asked advice because I was concerned. Seriously, who wouldn’t be?

Again, I’m surprised by the view of many on here than future relationship with grandchild is more important than said grandchild’s health.

I don’t think you can say anything, she is already aware that she is putting her baby at risk.. selfish cow.

Why are you asking us then?