DP hasn't called as promised....

[Meckrel]

Longstanding DP, don't live together, in contact or see each other daily, but not back and forth texting all day.

I last saw him about 11:30 last night when he went home, as he had an early start and a long day today. His last words were he'd call when he finishes, which could be "late"

I haven't heard anything. This is very unusual. That said, I haven't contacted him either. He said he'd call me when he could, so I assumed he would. I don't have anything in particular I need to talk to him about, I'm only concerned because he said he'd call and hasn't iyswim.

So would you be;
Annoyed?
Worried?
Neutral and go to bed without a second thought?

Fwiw I do know what I plan to do, just wondering how others might respond.

RSD is a diagnosed condition linked to neurodivergence - it’s not something you can just decide you have because you’re overly insecure.

Oh I would be thinking that I had done something to piss them off and would be spiralling, but I have RSD too. It’s interesting to see that other people wouldn’t be worried at all. My partner doesn’t have RSD, but she would be worried that something was wrong if I didn’t call or text all day. Surely if you’re in a relationship, you would send a quick text to your partner to say you had a long day and we’re going to bed rather than just not calling at all?

I would have sent a message similar to the one you did (if I remembered / had time / didn't fall asleep or get distracted first). I'd always include a light question to show I was looking for a response. It's lovely that your DP relies straightaway and popped round. My DH would always respond when we were dating / not lining together. And he usually still would, unless distracted/busy/rired (similar to me above)

So do you just diagnose yourself with it?

Is it just effectively a way of saying "I don't like rejection", and I fear it? Which I imagine is true if the vast majority of the human race - it's a normal thing not to like.

Ib my experience people's sensitivity to rejection tends to vary based on the behaviour of their current partner, and how insecure that partner makes them feel. So that's another reason the concept of RSD worries me slightly. What if someone become convinced they have this, when in fact their partner is deliberately gaslighting them and making them feel insecure?

It isn't though, it's helping me understand and manage my response. And if you'd asked, you'd know that I didn't have an extreme reaction in this situation, whereas I often would have done in the past.

This isn't just rejection by DP though. It's all perceived rejection, at work, with friends, DC, even casual aquaintances. It took me a long time to realise that colleagues going for coffee without me isn't something that ruins everyone's day!

Respectfully, @Meckrel, you posted on the internet because your partner, who had warned you he was going to have an unusually long working day and would contact you when he could, but that it might be late, didn’t contact you for slightly less than 24 hours. That is, by definition, an ‘extreme reaction’.

With respect 😉 I posted because I surprised myself with the progress I'd made because I didn't have an extreme reaction.

I have RSD and I would be feeling sick. But then I realise “Clearlyy, just be fucking normal and say hi, hope your day was okay I’m going to bed soon so I’ll talk to you tomorrow, goodnight 😘” or something.

The lack of understand of aspects of neurodivergence here are pretty sad.

Would you say that a child having an autistic meltdown just needs to get on with it because it’s normal to be upset/disappointed/stressed and therefore they should not have an ‘extreme’ reaction to it?

it’s not as simple as being insecure. It’s perceiving things that are perfectly average as a rejection, which most people would not even register. It can be completely debilitating and majorly affect social function.

Anyway OP, well done on ‘normal’ reaction, it’s so nice when you can see progress!

The lack of understand of aspects of neurodivergence here are pretty sad.

Would you say that a child having an autistic meltdown just needs to get on with it because it’s normal to be upset/disappointed/stressed and therefore they should not have an ‘extreme’ reaction to it?

it’s not as simple as being insecure. It’s perceiving things that are perfectly average as a rejection, which most people would not even register. It can be completely debilitating and majorly affect social function.

Anyway OP, well done on ‘normal’ reaction, it’s so nice when you can see progress!

Oops dupe post and can’t edit 🤦🏼‍♀️

The OP only dripfed her ADHD onto the thread today, so many people are responding purely to her earlier self-diagnosis of RSD.

No, people assumed a self diagnosis of RSD. As it's always linked to ADHD, I didn't feel the need to mention that too.

I wouldn’t consider 9:50pm to be ‘late’. If the relationship is otherwise good and healthy and we had good mutual trust and respect, I’d lean on that and not be worried.

Having read your later posts, it seems like you’re trying to gauge what a ‘normal’ reaction is so you can manage your rejection/anxiety? I can’t help with that but I would say that when my own brain kicks into overdrive, I always fall back on ‘what do I know to be true’. In this scenario if my know my DP follows through on his word, is truthful, has integrity….then if he’s late ringing it’s not because he’s rejecting me but because he’s been caught up with something else.

Obviously if it felt out of character, I’d ping him a message…which you did. Glad to read that all is well.

Yes stop being silly and realise that you can't hide behind medical acronyms to excuse silly behaviour.
So just grow up and stop thinking doctors know it all.
It's easier for them to label you than give you a good talking to.

Option 3.

My first thought would be worry. That’s my anxiety and catastrophising. I thought your responses were interesting. It sounds good that you can review it like that. I guess I’m similar, it’s probably my fear of loosing something I love/important to me.

Government website definition of partner : someone you are married to, in a civil partnership with, or cohabiting with as if you are a married couple.its a boyfriend.

Oh don't be ridiculous, that's for if you're claiming benefits.

Tell me you don’t understand ADHD without telling me you don’t understand ADHD

Respectfully, whatever condition you have, it’s your responsibility to manage it, and its negative impacts on other people.

Which is what the OP is doing. She posted to try and understand how other people would react to a situation to help herself manage her feelings.

I probably wouldn’t even remember that he was supposed to call.