Shopping for neighbour

[DarkChocolateNut]

Our neighbours daughter knocked the door earlier in the week to tell us that our neighbour had been in hospital and is now at home recovering. The daughter doesn’t live near us so she asked if we would be able to get her mum some shopping when she needs it and go in her house and put it away as she can’t lift much.

We said that if she sends us a text we will add anything she needs onto our Tesco online shop which comes on Saturdays and we will go round with it and put it away. We did that for the first time yesterday. We gave our neighbour the bill and she said she would get her daughter to pay us.

The daughter contacted us for our bank details and paid but commented how expensive it was and said her mum usually shops in Lidl. I text back to say that we’ve never shopped in Lidl but find Tesco quite reasonable. She has now asked us if next week we will get her mums shopping from Lidl as her mum is on a tight budget and can’t afford much. I replied saying we don’t have time to go to Lidl for her but to let us know if she wants anything from Tesco then to let us know by Friday evening so we can put it on our order. She said she can’t afford it so she doesn’t know what she will do now and asked if we really couldn’t spare the time to go to Lidl as it’s only 10 minutes away in the car.

My husband said to tell her that she should be grateful we are helping at all and can sort her own mother out from now on. I don’t mind adding things to our Tesco order but I’m not going to Lidl for her and I do think she is rude to expect us to go to LIdl.

She is being cheeky isn’t she? We get our shopping delivered to save time going to a supermarket so I’m not going to one for someone else.

Id send the daughter a message along he lines of

If neighbours name is on a tight budget it's probably best we don't continue to add her shopping to ours however if you do forget anything doing the lidl shop for her let us know and I'm sure I can add it to the next delivery

That is if your happy to still add bits on top the shop

I may be stating the obvious here but are there any savings you can make for her at Tesco? Swapping to cheaper/ value items instead of mid-tier.

Stick to Tesco. Suggest they adapt the list to meet the budget.

You already making making a big sacrifice. You could also say she could do an online order to arrive from anywhere at the same time as yours and you will assist putting it away. That would save you work doing the online order.

No if they aren't happy paying Tesco prices the daughter needs to find another solution.
My concern is that it is starting with the shopping but what else will she be asking if you. Who for example is doing the cleaning if her mum struggles to lift things?
What happens if her mum suddenly becomes unwell? Are you going to be the first one who will need to respond each time?

Refer the daughter to the Red Cross - they have a service where volunteers can offer up to 6 weeks practical help when a person gets out of hospital - things like shopping, light household jobs etc. It can be arranged pretty quickly too!

I rely sometimes on my elderly dad’s (brilliant) neighbours who are always willing to help if he needs it but it’s completely bizarre to ask people to inconvenience themselves in the process. Daughter needs to accept the help you’re offering or make alternative arrangements.

'Sorry it didn't work out, hope you find a solution that suits you better, wishing Mum all the best"

Budgets are tight for a lot of people now. I get it. BuI surely the daughter could find £17 a week? After all she’s saving a fortune on travel coming down and helping her mum herself?
I need help in the same way sometimes and at times like this my shopping bill goes down as I need a bit less.
If this lady can’t get about who is helping her with aftercare? It sounds a bit strange.
If you weren’t around the daughter would have to do far more. She’s a CF.

The daughter can easily do an online shop for her remotely.

Did they pay?

Yes, she is being cheeky. You are doing more than most people would. Stick to what you're doing.

That is very cheeky! Are there other neighbours nearby?

Honestly the DD should be overwhelmed with gratitude that you are getting her shopping at all. I wouldn’t contact her at all because she sounds like a CF, but her DM is likely eligible for attendance allowance which would cover the extra cost.

It could also be that her DM is used to Lidl and can’t countenance shopping anywhere else. This happened me with my DPs, we do online shopping with Tescos but they were insistent it had to be Morrisons for them, so of course we had to set up two accounts and took twice the time. I did that because it was my DPs though, wouldn’t be doing it for a neighbour.

Thanks everyone. I woke up feeling really irked by her message so after reading the replies here and talking to my husband, I have replied to say that no, we don’t have time to go to Lidl and think it’s best if she finds another way for her mum to get her shopping.

You sound lovely and like you are handling it really well Of course you are correct to not consider going to Lidl weekly for her.

However I would also be a bit careful about continuing to add her shopping to yours at Tesco. It's an extra admin headache to have to unpick every item she ordered from your own order, and bill her for them all. As a one off with a few bits fine, but do you really want to have to go through your supermarket shopping with a fine tooth comb totting up a £77 bill every week?

IF you could be prepared to put away her shopping each week you could withdraw the Tesco offer and suggest her daughter organises an online shop from eg Asda instead, to arrive at a mutually agreed regular slot, which you will kindly put away. I think this is more sustainable than doing all her shopping on your order. But they are still being demanding of you. And if your neighbour is not even trying to put away her own shopping and happy to let you do it each week, how long before she is asking you extra little favours "while she's got you" each week? Changing light bulbs etc. I do these sorts of favours gladly for my elderly neighbours, but they are not demanding CFs who started out by demanding/ expecting me to help and pushing me for more, as I think yours are doing.

It does sound like social care is needed. But the daughter likely won t ask them until you say no, because you are a softer touch.

She sounds like she would benefit from some input from Adult Social Care Services. Who is helping her with personal care, cooking, if she cannot put her shopping away?

is your neighbour expected to make a full improvement?

I don’t think anyone is helping her with those things.

I had a text from neighbours daughter to say she might still want me to do the shopping if she can’t make other arrangements and also asking if we can cut her mums grass. My son was cutting ours when I got the text so I presume her mum had seen or heard and text her daughter to ask us. They’re taking the piss so I ignored the text and won’t be doing anything for them.

I think we can all see where this is going. She lives far away, has no interest in moving herself or her mum and doesn't want to pay for services either.

Obviously the requests will keep coming thick and fast if you don't put a stop to this now. She's a CF, obviously.

Just state firmly you do not shop supermarkets in person as you don't have time. And that's not going to change unfortunately because this lady thinks Lidls is much cheaper.

It's ridiculous really. I mean she could say if you're ever in Lidl can you get her this. But ultimately you've made it plain you're never ever going to be near it!

Her mom, her problem. Block and ignore.

Ffs ive heard it all now. If you have a relstionship with your neighbour keep it seperate from the daughter.

I wouldn’t do it at all now. Or communicate with the daughter.

The daughter is just going to have to visit each weekend to get the shopping and cut the grass, or perhaps share it with siblings like the rest of us have to do, until mum has recovered.

Or ask one of her mum’s local friends.

I would block her.

Or take her mum with her to recuperate at her house.

The daughter is trying to foist responsibility over to you, isn't she?

Her problem is not your problem. It might be different if you were close friends with your neighbour already, but you're not.