Should my boyfriend contribute to bills when he stays for a week?

[Yourfuturehasntbeenwrittenyet]

BF & I live apart, have own homes, pay our own bills, my 2 teenage children live with me most of the time, his with ex wife - sees them EOW. Due to locations and dynamics, he stays with me but doesn’t live with me. He pays when we go out for an evening, buys odd food items, wine etc but I pay for all bills, food etc. Sometimes he can stay for a week. When this happens, especially in the winter, he saves on his gas, electric, water and food bills. He has travel costs that I don’t. Earns significantly more than me but pays CM etc. Trying to give essential information to help my question…
With the COL, energy and food prices rising, should I ask for a contribution for the week he stays with me. And if so how much?

I think he should contribute to the food bill but you will be heating your house regardless of whether he is there or not. Same with having lights on. I suppose it depends on how often he stays. If you have smart meters you could always compare how much extra gas and electric you are using when he stays.

Don’t you ever stay at his OP? If not, then sure, he should be contributing when he stays for longer periods with you…but how you work out an amount might be tricky…a set amount per night, like a B&B, or maybe a contribution ‘towards expenses’ as a percentage of your utility bills (eg a weeks stay could be, say, 20% of your utility costs). Tricky one…best bet is to talk to him, but have an ‘amount’ that you think reasonable already in your mind. See what he says 🤷‍♀️

If I was coming for a week, I’d turn up with a bag of shopping, so you wouldn’t NEED to ask me.

He’s being a bit thoughtless. But you’re being a bit transactional. Do you like him coming for the week? How often are we talking?

I don’t think you can ask for a contribution to the electric bill, no. You’d have those costs anyway. I do think food will be higher with another adult there for a week, so either go out more (he pays) or raise the subject of him contributing to that.

I wouldn’t ask for cash, no. But I would say something like ‘you get the groceries’ or ‘can you pay for a huge fuck off takeaway since you’re saving on your bills?’

Any decent person would reciprocate with a kind gesture - a contribution of sorts, say a food shop, a lunch/takeaway or similar.

To do nothing, sit back and enjoy your generosity is not a good sign. A bit presumptuous and taking it for granted if you ask me. I wouldn't expect anything towards bills though, personally.

If he contributes nothing, I'd call him out on it, saying something like - time to order a takeaway John, I've been cooking for you all week, or - here's the list, could you get this stuff from the supermarket on your way home, thanks. Something like that.

You don’t want him establishing rights in your home through payment of bills.

But do you not think regularly having him to stay for a full week is a bit of an imposition on your children? Or are they always elsewhere when this happens?

His issues with locations and dynamics should not become your domestic burden. Neither of you are teenage undergrads on a gap year, crashing at a mate’s place. It’s not on.

I would be feeling a bit used. Why can’t he stay in a hotel?

No he should not pay for your bills. Others seem to be missing that he pays for evenings out, how much does it cost him when you go out for an evening as that is not cheap anymore? If you begrudge him a few pence for using your shower etc then tell him to go home.

I don’t think he’s a bus ride away from paying his way
he pays your share when you go out and buys food and wine

I’ve lived on my own and live with a partner and never experienced these rocketing increases in utilities that people experience
it’s about paying your way how much you earn and how much he earns is irrelevant

food is the only real increase you’ll have
but at tops that’ll be £30 every other week compared with him paying for you when you go out

That’s fine as long as you pay your way when you go out instead of letting him pay

Don’t be ridiculous

Why

If it’s a one off it would seem grabby to ask but if it’s a regular occurrence ask him to contribute. Although if it becomes a regular occurrence he shouldn’t need asking.

On an average week how many nights does he stay?

Must admit I think that sounds stingy AF. Would you charge someone else? Genuine question, and if you would then crack on I guess. However it depends on the relationship as a whole money-wise, for me. Is he the stingy one who is taking the piss? You know him, we don’t. I wouldn’t want to make the relationship so transactional myself.

Goodness the romance flies off the page.

He pays when we go out for an evening, buys odd food items, wine etc but I pay for all bills, food etc.

Seems pretty reasonable to me.

Depends how often you go out for an evening? Once a week or fortnight - seems fair enough. Once every six months or year - he needs to help with the cost of food at yours.

I would ask him bring some food when he stays with you, and maybe cook a couple of meals during the week. Your heating and water bills won't go up much having a third person in the house, but food is expensive.

I think if he’s paying travel costs and meals out/wine etc he’s probably equally contributing vs his portion of a family shop as much of the things in a meal can be bulked out for one extra person easily and cheaply. Re heating most alone will keep their home on a thermostat in winter. I can’t see it being loads? I’d maybe encourage him to shop for and cook a meal one night to share load

He should pay for the food he eats.
Does he make demands that cost you money eg telling you to put the heating on when you normally wouldn't?

He should also do some cooking and cleaning.

I’m less concerned about incidental costs than the ‘moving in by stealth’.

You don’t say how long you’ve been together, @Yourfuturehasntbeenwrittenyet - but I’d be watchful. You don’t want to find yourself incrementally having to accommodate his children as well, for reasons of location and dynamics.

Then surely so should Op when they eat out, share wine etc? I imagine that will end up costing more in the long run though

OP, do you never stay at his house?
Do you think you should contribute to his bills too if you stay over for the odd night or two?
You've also stated that he pays when you go out and often brings a few food items with him when he stays.
I definitely don't think he should be contributing to your household bills unless he actually moves in.

Food yes, bills no.

Although as you also have to feed your children, he only needs to contribute 1/4 of the weeks food bill.

He should be contributing more to food and drinks.

Dh and I were long distance for several years before we got married. We never contributed to actual bills at each other’s, but we did pick up costs of days out, meals, food shopping. I think the difference being that we stayed with each other fairly equally.

If he is only ever staying at yours and not the other way around, yes, I’d expect him to contribute to food costs and also a small contribution to water, electric/gas, heating costs, especially as he earns more.