Should my boyfriend contribute to bills when he stays for a week?

[Yourfuturehasntbeenwrittenyet]

BF & I live apart, have own homes, pay our own bills, my 2 teenage children live with me most of the time, his with ex wife - sees them EOW. Due to locations and dynamics, he stays with me but doesn’t live with me. He pays when we go out for an evening, buys odd food items, wine etc but I pay for all bills, food etc. Sometimes he can stay for a week. When this happens, especially in the winter, he saves on his gas, electric, water and food bills. He has travel costs that I don’t. Earns significantly more than me but pays CM etc. Trying to give essential information to help my question…
With the COL, energy and food prices rising, should I ask for a contribution for the week he stays with me. And if so how much?

I think asking him to contribute to energy bills a bit petty, but of course food.

This.

He’s kind of doing you a big favour by coming to stay at yours as if he didn’t you’d barely see each other. I think him doing all the travel, taking you out, bringing food and wine makes up for the little bit of extra electricity, water and heating he’s using. The additional electricity will be pennies, and unless he takes really long showers the water usage won’t be much either. The only thing that might make a difference is the heating in the winter if you normally keep it off all day. But if it’s that cold he will have heating to pay in his home too, even if he’s not there. At this time of year I’m assuming you don’t keep the heating on.

Right, but do your children want to have him pretty much living there almost full time? Remember, they didn’t choose him. And they’re not related to him.

You don’t seem able to grasp this point.

Unless you eat out for most of your meals he should be contributing to food.

I had a friend stay with me for about 2 months once. I paid all the bills and he bought all the food. Seemed fair to us both.

I genuinely would find it very stingy to ask for a contribution to the bills, we can't be talking more than £50 increase over a full week including food, probably less. So maybe £100 per month? If things must be financially so equal, do you think his travel and going out, takeaways and food / wine he brings is less than that?

I also think whilst living apart his salary being bigger is completely irrelevant. It comes across as though you don't want to be financially inconvenienced at all, and that because he has the higher salary it should all be on him.

The only exception I would make is during winter, if you are having to heat the house all day and wouldn't otherwise, a contribution to the electric/ gas (using the smart meter to work out how much) would be ok to ask.

Personally I would rather have a conversation about not being able to afford him staying so long (if that is the case) and perhaps he would offer anyway - or you come to a fairer agreement on how to manage the overnights.

If you, him and your two teens are there, he represents only 25% of some of the bills. Lighting and heating won’t cost much more because of him so it’s water, food and electricity.

Instead of asking for a portion of the bills ask him to bring some extra shopping with him. Hopefully he pays for some meals out/ dates.

This isn't clear from your OP, but the fact that he telecommutes full time (basically runs an office out of his home) and when he stays with you for a week he moves that activity to your house is significant. It may change the situation from one of mutual desire to spend time together and give and take (he travels, you host) to make that happen to one where he IS significantly increasing your costs (as when he's not there, no one is home during working hours) and reducing his for activities that may have nothing to do with you or the relationship. If YOU were to suddenly start telecommuting full time, you'd track the associated costs for a home office and potentially seek reimbursement from your employer or a tax write off. If he is (or could/should be) doing this and is passing off the costs to you, it bears scrutiny. And his typically paying for nights out and buying wine doesn't necessarily offset this, if the additional costs are a burden to you. But all of this is incredibly variable so I think you need to look at whether and specifically how your costs increase when he is there, and how that adds up over the year, before you breach the subject.

As a side note - you've mentioned a few times not just that your costs have increased but that you believe his have decreased, and that he can perhaps better afford these costs than you. If you're feeling that he might be taking advantage of you financially I think you should listen to your gut and don't be dissuaded by people saying it's trivial or you're being greedy. And this may be totally irrelevant but one thing that jumped out at me from your first post is that he also has children but only sees them every other weekend. There may be a good reason for this - mother has moved away and children are older and choose to live with her and find it onerous to travel to visit their dad - but otherwise it's a bit of a red flag. yes, he's paying CM but he's doing so little of his share of hands-on parenting/childcare - it would make me wonder if he might be the kind of person inclined to take advantage of a partner. If you're feeling like you might be being taken advantage of in the relationship, even if it's unintentional on his part, that's definitely worth the time to dig into and if warranted discuss.

Presumably he mostly stays at yours because that is what you want/need because you have kids. If that is the case and he would prefer more 50:50 on where you stay, I think it's unreasonable to then ask him to pay. Especially as he does pick up more of the other costs.

If you did this, he might ask you to cover his travel costs and is this really the type of relationship you want? Where you nickel and dime each other?

When I had adult DC living here who were earning decent money, I calculated that £300 pm just about covered their share of bills and food. One DC upped it because he didn’t like me complaining about his long showers, so suggested he should pay more to cover that. He would also treat his teenage brother to a burger or outing occasionally.
I mention this so that you can consider the actual costs of an extra adult living in your house, and then work out what’s fair.

My boyfriend stays at mine more than I stay at his… he’ll often pop to the shop and grab stuff for dinner, he drives me to work when he stays over, when I stay at his I’ll grab stuff for dinner etc… we both have our own bills to pay until we move in together so just make it as fair as we can for now!

He pays for all your evenings out, so no, I don’t think he should contribute to your bills, which you’d be paying whether he was there or not.

He shouldn’t be paying your bills. Sounds like he’s already contributing to food and drinks. As he’s a guest in your house that is more than enough.

He doesn’t live there.

It’s really become pathetic. A few threads of recent - counting how many things are being used, keeping a tally. Embarrassing really.

He pays for the evenings out and travel, you pay for the supermarket. That should even out. If you don’t go out some weeks you could ask him to pay for a food shop I guess.

I’ll be curious to know how much more the utility bills are when he is at yours, as realistically it won’t be much.

I think it depends how much he pays when you go out and how much he spends on the odd food item. It’s tricky, I have been burnt by someone taking advantage of my home and so I would be like you and trying to make sure I wasn’t taken advantage of. I suppose this is different in that he still has his own housing costs and isn’t really saving loads by being at yours is he? He’ll still have council tax, standing charges for gas / electric etc. How much do you spend on food while he’s over? Does he then spend close to half that on the going out and odd bits you mentioned? If he does then I would probably leave it or he might decide it’s too expensive to stay over if it costs him more than being at home. If there’s a significant difference then could you send him a list of stuff to bring or order for when he’s there (shopping)? Difficult for you both.

So he pays transport/ fuel to get to yours. Pays everytime you go out. Buys wine and "extras". And you want him to contribute MORE 😳
If the shoe was on the other foot, everyone would be telling you to run.

I think two of the most important considerations for me would be why he only ever stays at yours - is that your or his convenience and how far he has to travel? Because if he spends say £40 on petrol and 4 hours of his time on a round trip and the disruption of being away from home for long periods, I would say that cancels out a weeks food. Also unless he's rubbing his hands together and saying that's he's saving hundreds on his heating and putting yours on full blast when he gets there, I wouldn't begrudge that benefit for him.

But then it would all rest on his attitude to money and how generous he is. You say he buys food out etc. As long as it was every week or at least every other time he visited, that would more than equal out having the lights or heating on when you're at work.

The alternative is you stay with him. But I can imagine that wouldn't be as easy for you if your children live with you, and costly in terms if petrol, time and buying food when you're out so to me it all seems pretty even and in many ways you have the far better deal?!?

Realistically him staying for an extra week is costing you

seven showers
food

no way would I dare ask!

Ok I’ll leave it here. Thanks to those of you for your insightful comments. In particular those who actually understand where I am coming from. I’ve tried to answer questions and to give a little more clarity but I’m being blamed for penny pinching and being greedy. It’s not that at all. It was simply a post to ask a question to gain perspectives from outsiders. I think the thread is in danger of becoming quite nasty which is why I’ll move on and enjoy the rest of my day.
To the poster who referenced their adult DC - huge thanks. I appreciated your level and thoughtful post and to the poster who referenced listening to my gut. Thank you. This forum can be great at times, it’s a shame it’s not all the time!

Some of us have been abused financially and sometimes it’s hard to see what’s fair after someone playing mind games with you. Asking on here is a really good idea so that you can get a broad idea of what people think is fair.

Just help out with shopping but not bills that’s a bit much .

OP, you are not penny pinching and greedy. He is taking advantage of you as he has no costs. He should be paying towards the food as an absolute minimum and also contributing towards electricity costs if he is WFH at your house.

You shouldn't be struggling while he saves costs

Seems very transactional to me but I guess I haven’t not been in that situation. He does seem to have extra costs like his transport to yours, paying fior a meal out which isn’t cheap. Not sure he is making any money out of you! Maybe try and cost it out 1st.