Should my boyfriend contribute to bills when he stays for a week?

[Yourfuturehasntbeenwrittenyet]

BF & I live apart, have own homes, pay our own bills, my 2 teenage children live with me most of the time, his with ex wife - sees them EOW. Due to locations and dynamics, he stays with me but doesn’t live with me. He pays when we go out for an evening, buys odd food items, wine etc but I pay for all bills, food etc. Sometimes he can stay for a week. When this happens, especially in the winter, he saves on his gas, electric, water and food bills. He has travel costs that I don’t. Earns significantly more than me but pays CM etc. Trying to give essential information to help my question…
With the COL, energy and food prices rising, should I ask for a contribution for the week he stays with me. And if so how much?

@Yourfuturehasntbeenwrittenyet do not under any circumstances give away dominion over your children’s home.

Imagine if your bf agreed to pay bills at your house - and then decided he should have a say in how electricity and water are used there? Imagine if he started trying to control how your children behaved in their own home - when they had showers, whether they should have midnight snacks, who they invited over, or whatever.

You really need to remember it is their home above all else. Maintain that.

I think it would be very unfair to ask him to contribute to an energy bill, you are heating the house already for you and DC. It really depends on how often he pays for food when out, if he is staying for a week and you are not eating out and you are buying food for the week then yes he should contribute. If you are eating out twice a week and he pays for everything you eat then he is covering himself, again depends on the quality and price. If you are serious about him then it shouldn't be awkward to talk openly about your financial situation and bills.

I think it depends on how frequent these week-long stays occur - once a month, every few months?

He pays when we go out for an evening

And how frequent are these these evenings out - are they expensive trips to the theatre and/or dinner at a decent restaurant, or a few drinks at the local pub?

I have a similar situation with my partner, but I stay with her. I always buy shopping but don’t contribute towards bills. I have travel costs to get to hers so it works out about even.

You haven’t stated any actual info that could help people know.
You have said he pays when you go out.
you have said you pay when you stay in.
no one here knows if you go out for 7 nights a week, or stay in all the time.

if he is paying for a Michelin starred restaurant for you, and you ask him for 3p towards his share of leaving the lights on, Yabu.

if he comes to your house and you pay for and cook him steak and champagne for the 7 nights, Yanbu.

no one can possibly answer.

I'd expect him to buy some food, but I wouldn't want money towards the bills.

It seems he pays his way when you go out though. So it evens out in the end.

Yes. Otherwise he is not paying his way and that is not fair.

The fact that he has not offered tells you a lot about him.

He does pay his way when they go out though.

Shocking you have to ask - this selfish moron should have offered a long time ago. I think this not offering on his part is so very telling - if I stayed (long ago and broke) as a student with my student mates overnight after a night out, the breakfast was always on me, without doubt, and I was broke, and nobody asked me, it was done what we all did. Mates who did not conform to this pattern did not last long with us.

Have you posted about this before, OP? I recall a similar post from a few weeks ago.

I’ve never heard of anything so crazy in my life.

Thanks for all the replies. The idea of monitoring the smart meter is a good one since I’m having one installed shortly, as that will give me an idea of how much usage there is. I work out of the home, kids are at school during the day, he works from home. I wouldn’t have the heating, lights and tv on during the day if I’m not at home, whereas he naturally would - as working from home. So there is a natural increase because of his stay. Which is why I’ve asked, as my DD has increased again due to the energy rises.

For the person that asked. No this is the first time I have posted about this. I’ll see if I can find the thread you mentioned. Someone said to me recently they hoped he was contributing, which made me wonder.

I tried not to make the OP too long so people could get a rough idea and comment. It’s hard to say exactly how much we go out, like a lot of people, it can be quiet for a while and then there will be a spike in invitations or opportunities.

It’s not transactional at all, yes we can talk about it factually, but I wanted to see what people would think was fair before I said anything. When two people are together for a significant period of time but don’t live together (and there can be many reasons why people wait or postpone), it is important to check within ourselves that this is working in all ways for us. I’m sure posters would have a lot to say if he was a cocklodger and I hadn’t had the common sense to evaluate if I was being taken advantage of (thankfully he’s not one to do that!).

He definitely should be contributing. Unless he is looking for a sugar mumma and you happy to be that one he sponges off

My boyfriend stays at my house far far more than i stay at his for various reasons and yes of course he gives me money towards food and utility costs.

I’ve never counted out how exactly much it should be but he gives me an amount that would certainly cover it, and a bit more because he recognises there’s non-financial costs to being the host all the time.

I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a man who a) didn’t recognise such an imbalance and b) offer to address it b of his own accord without trying to count pennies.

Apart from food, does it really cost you more to have him to stay? Don’t you have heating and lights on anyway?

So if you bill him for food and utilities
would you still expect him to pay for you when you went out and accept the food and wine that he buys now

I always stay at DP’s, as my XH and I coparent in the family home.

but I always bring food contributions and when we go out, for example to a gig, I usually buy the tickets. Like PP said, he has to pay his bills regardless and we both like this set up (we have discussed it). Has worked well for us for the last two years, and I can’t see the situation changing in the next few years either (due to the ages of my DC).

Ah - no addressing of the questions I’ve raised, @Yourfuturehasntbeenwrittenyet?

Imagine if this was the other way round...

My boyfriend and I love each other very much but he lives with his children from a previous relationship and so I end up staying over at his house often as it’s more convenient for him.

We normally go out once a week for a pub meal and I always pick up the bill as a thank you have having me over. A meal for 2 with drinks costs £75-£100 most times we go out.

Last night he sat me down and said he’s checked his smart meter and that I end up costing him £7.32 on average when I stay for a week so he’s asked me to transfer it to him. Is this man really stingy?

Well I know what I would say and it would be run, run, run away from this penny pincher!

If he pays for you when you go out, and is bringing wine/food items, I think he is actually doing fine. If you are drinking wine at dinner, cooking fancy meals, he should be contributing, but utilities seems a bit much, and quite transactional. If you want to do that, then you should pay your own share when you go out. What he earns is irrelevant in a situation in which you do not have pooled income/shared bills. I suspect if you did the math, he would be contributing more with covering your share of meals when you go out (depending on how often you do that), than what he is consuming by way of utilities at yours.

I did take on board your points as I read them and inwardly agreed at how something minimal could spiral in the way you mention. Yes it is my children’s home. No, I’m not about to let someone dictate how they live. I’m not wasteful and as such I wouldn’t expect anyone to begrudge my children what they need, because we are not excessive people. If that started to happen before they lived with us then that would create arguments and a question over whether eventually moving in would be the right thing to do.

My question was more around the fact that as his household costs reduce when away - no water, gas or electric is consumed, house stays cleaner for longer as no one using it etc, mine naturally increase, house gets dirtier as another person is here and so on. Is the saving that he makes acceptable, in line with his travel costs and he pays for me when we are out, but then there are the salary differences too. It’s all minimal when focusing on one day, but adds up over a week, a month, a year. People can say I’m being transactional, but on other threads women are scorned for being too giving.

Shopping, buying you a meal out not utilities - unless he turns off his heating completely he’s not saving much

Yes heating is completely switched off.

No, if you’re not happy to cover the cost of him showering then don’t have him over for a week. You say he pays for stuff if you go out and does contribute to other stuff.

It won’t be in the winter when it’s actually relevant or his pipework will be buggered. It’s very unlikely yours is on now.

You mention a salary differential - that’s irrelevant to this.