Terrified to go into my own garden..

[TotallyTangerineGeum]

I just want to preface this by saying that I’ve name changed and MNHQ will be able to verify that I’ve been on here a long while. Just pointing this out, as I’ll inevitably get troll hunted on this one as it makes very little sense! I assure you I have not left anything out whatsoever and I’m sorry it’s such a long post.

I’m a widowed parent of one 11yr old DD. I have a small-ish dog who thankfully doesn’t bark much (which is relevant to this situation).

2 years ago, my usually always very friendly & chatty next door neighbour, randomly blocked me from texting her - which I rarely ever did anyway tbh, only ever if there was a parcel here for her etc. The last time I’d spoken to her, everything had been great. I was utterly mystified but figured it’d be sorted eventually and I’d ask her when I saw her next. With it being winter I didn’t see her for a while and when I did, I was ignored. Really odd but ok…. Maybe I or DD had made some noise? Although she has always assured me vehemently that she can’t hear anything from our side but even so, I don’t allow DD to make noise for my own sake as well as that of others!

Last summer, there were a few occasions when I was in my back garden (6ft fence with vertical planks with small gaps in between) and neighbour’s Dad who was there, shouted over at me. Once when I was taking a photo of a random plant which had popped up so I could identify it, he shouts “Come round if you want to take photos, you fat fuck!” Now, I should’ve asked WTF he was talking about and corrected him but I was too stunned to speak! Another time I got called a “sad pathetic loser” when I was cutting sweet pea flowers off my trellis on our adjoining fence. Followed by him saying to his daughter “Don’t worry she’s obviously got no life” Again, I hugely regret not saying something back and asking what on earth I’m meant to have said or done wrong. But having escaped extremely violent DV, I just don’t have the strength to confront any male and probably never will. It’s fight or flight and I flee. Until today, that is.

Around the end of last year, the neighbour got a dog of their own and despite my calling my dog in every single time, theirs still barks loudly every single time he sees my dog through the fence. I’ve tried putting tarpaulin up on the adjoining fence to prevent their dog seeing mine but nope, it still keeps happening. Thankfully my dog doesn’t usually bark back and if he does, it’s one singular woof to show his displeasure, then he comes in!
About 2 months ago, I wrote neighbour herself a letter (as she just blanks me when I try speaking to her face to face) explaining that I’ve absolutely zero clue what I’ve done to upset her, apologised if it’s noise (though I really don’t think it is, as DD & I are quiet people and when DD is at school, I’m often asleep or at hospital) and explaining that I only have about 12-14 months left to live due to an autoimmune disorder which she actually knows I have, that I want to spend what time I have left with my child in peace and just want to be left alone and politely requested that they stop slamming their front door as it was making us both jump a mile and was affecting DD at school when it happens during the night. I was very polite and promised to do what I can on my part to try and mitigate the situation with her dog seeing mine through the fence (which I have done, I put tarpaulin up but clearly I need to add more!)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and now her Dad is seemingly living there and is making mine & my daughter’s lives a living hell.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I open one of my French doors and either let my dog out for a wee or I dare to step out into my own garden, not only does their dog bark like mad at mine (who now just ignores theirs as he’s used to it!) I get “Oh for fuck’s sake!” or her little boy goes running inside shouting “Mum, Granddad, she’s in her garden again!!!” followed by “Oh for fuck’s sake! Fucking typical!” It’s got to the point where I’m genuinely anxious to go into my own garden and I’m not exaggerating and I’m a keen gardener! I can’t even nip to my greenhouse to get some lettuce without a “Oh for fuck’s sake, fat fuck is out again!” 😳
Last week, I had to mow the lawn as it was the first day I’d had in weeks where I was well enough to do it and they were having a BBQ (I don’t think there were any guests but I decided to be as quick as possible anyway) and well, he was fuming and they went storming inside, slamming the door. I don’t know what was said as I had the mower on but heard door slam. That one was probably my fault for mowing whilst they were having a BBQ but if I’d waited until the next time I was well enough, the grass would’ve been too long to mow!

Another thing which I’ve been ignoring in the hope that it naturally settles (and to avoid confrontation with him), is the fact that their dog barks the ENTIRE TIME he is left in the house alone. Barks loudly and howls. So bad that me making a phone call is nigh on impossible. It’s often overnight also, so that is hell for DD especially. This happened today and I’ve taken to recording clips of it just in case it’s needed in future. When it finally stopped, presumably as he came home, the first thing I did, was quietly let DDog out as I’d kept him in during the barking due to the noise coming from their side. Well, this was a mistake as their dog saw mine and erupted - as per usual! Mine didn’t bark back at all but DD grabbed the treat tub and told him to come in for obvious reasons and neighbour’s Dad shouts “FUCKING TWATS!!!!!” over the fence. Now I have never, ever responded to ANY of it but having just endured hours upon hours of their Alsation barking and howling I snapped and said, calmly, “Your dog has been barking all day!!!” to which he shouts “Because of you! YOU’RE CAUSING IT!!!” “Every fucking day you’re in your garden” I reply “And?!” At which point he slams their door and my DD bursts into tears and call me pathetic but so did I. I’m at my wits end. This is my home. My DD’s home and this is almost certainly the last summer of my life. My only hobby is quietly (& I do mean quietly) pottering around in my garden deadheading flowers or pruning roses etc.

• I don’t ever have visitors besides my 82yr old mother (she’s my only remaining family besides DD) and what friends do bother with me, I just have catch up coffees with in Costa!
• I don’t play music in my home or my garden. If I listen to a podcast or LBC, it’s on earphones.
• My dog rarely barks and if he does, it’s only a tiny bit if he is barked at! He did once bark at an Owl ornament I bought but in his defence, it did blink at night time!!
• I do not speak on the phone in the garden as everyone around me would hear and despite this massive long post, I am quite a quiet person usually!
• DD is rarely in the garden (more’s the pity!) she prefers gaming! She used to play out front on her scooter with some kids from up the street but she’s been too frightened to, since neighbour’s Dad aggressively told her to “Piss off” once about a year ago when he’d arrived about 5 mins after neighbour had left the house and so, being 9, she told him. Who tells a 9yr old to piss off?

I have reported today’s incident to non-emergency police. However a. Officer won’t be free to talk to me until the end of next week which I’m sad about tbh. I could’ve used the advice as right now, I’m terrified to even let my dog out for a wee, let alone step into my garden.
Again, having escaped extreme DV, it’s very difficult for me to not default to flight mode. I’m still shaking and this happened 2 hours ago. Pathetic, I know. I already struggle with anxiety.

Sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss anything out and have to correct people or be accused of drip feeding!

There’s nothing I can do, is there?

What a lovely idea for support and perhaps getting a number of messages will help. Even without the name of the person, the case is unique enough and knowing todays date and the specific noise complaint should be enough to recognise it. Especially as the police aren't willing to listen, perhaps a number of emails would be enough to prompt response.

Perhaps even this thread link included will give plenty of detail.

Also if you do email, the details of Adam dealing with the case should be enough for them to narrow it down

Need OP to respond first - this is her information, not to be shared without first getting some input from her.

OP - I hope you are OK. Headphones. Can you get out of the house to a cafe, or the Library or something?

Not round here they wouldn’t. They’d just say get into the council noise enforcement dept and the HA.

Op, I have been following this since the thread was started. I was on holiday, and was so invested. We were getting ready for dinner one night and I couldn't stop reading this! Not for entertainment, but out of sheer shock and a need to support.

I can only massively sympathise. If you are HA then you don't have the usual issue of having to declare to new buyers that you have reported nuisance neighbours to the authorities. So can you ask to be moved? I can't believe this is even an option if you don't have long left. You should be getting treated like a queen, and utterly and thoroughly cared for and treated with respect.

This is so uncomfortable to read. I've had horrid neighbours (one of mine is an alcoholic and gets very abusive but my partner and I can handle her).

Did anything come of the reader offers to come and have a word with the neighbour? Although I'm not convinced that's the best idea.

I know suggestions like headphones and going out are well meaning but probably the last thing you want to do. You should be resting and enjoying your home. Every time in the past I've ever heard someone badmouthing me, I have absolutely lost it. I can't tolerate it. I can't imagine how this feels day in day out. And your poor dog.

I guess moving is the only solution now. They are evil, vicious chavs and they are doing this for fun. It annoys me so much. If you had a 6' meathead living with you, this wouldn't be happening.

And as for the "you must have done something", I know that's not the case. When I lived in London, we were subjected to many years of harassment by about 30 local youths, and we had done absolutely nothing to deserve it. It's a large part of why we sold and left.

Please don't assume that the people who visited the neighbours today got the wrong end of the stick. They may well have seen exactly what you see. As for the police, make sure you ask them to log reports as harassment NOT noise nuisance or anything else - harassment

No Adam is the guy from the HA

Aww bless you, thank you for your kindness. I have asked to be moved and some guy who deals with existing tenants moving, is going to get in touch.
A couple of people did message and offer to come round and sit with me whilst I did some gardening which is a lovely, generous offer but I didn’t take anyone up on it out of sheer embarrassment I guess? Though I don’t think that’s the right word. I’m quite shy plus like you said, I didn’t think it’d be the best idea. Though I might’ve made a new friend if they’re local-ish! Which frankly, I could really do with right now.

You’re bang on about this not happening if I had a 6’ meathead living here or indeed any male!

Thank you again! I will keep updating if there’s anything to update 💕

Ah ok.

I am sure other people will be happy to email in support for you and if you have any details that aren't outing to you that will allow them to tie it back to your case, that would help.

Maybe the extra emails will encourage them to help you

So your dog barks once and theirs barks and howls

surely adam And co can see that their dog is more of a problem

You would think! But their reactions were very much in agreement with neighbours! My heart broke.

The We Are The Champions on repeat, full blast last FOUR HOURS. Four hours and 21 minutes. I am still shaking from the upset and the dog is now scared to go outside in case the music starts again.

Maybe they did not want to confront the neighbour at the time in case he became irate? They may be just nodding and agreeing and in the background putting together something as it would have been or should have been clear to them your dog was not the issue he just reacted to their prodding.

I just want to send you love, OP, and give you an un-mumsnetty hug

I cannot believe your other neighbours didn't kick off. Are there any others nearby? With kids on holiday surely there are other neighbours home? Is there nothing on your local Facebook page?

The elderly neighbour the other side who doesn't want to get involved with this - I'd have asked her maybe had she upset the arsey neighbours? Might need a bit of a nudge to get motivated.

I'm furious, honestly. I checked before, I'm 2 hours away. This really is sh*tty.

Another suggestion - I'm sorry - did you contact your local Councillor or MP? My Town Library sometimes has Community Police visit for chats - do you ever go to your Library? They may be a good source of information.

Thank you. I don’t get hugs from anyone besides my daughter but that’s probably for the best because I think I’d just break down. 🫂 💕

I did email the MP but no response, so I’m going to follow it up.

The elderly couple on the other side are new. They bought the house from the girl who did the reporting of my neighbour to the HA about the driveway - which neighbour still thinks was me! The elderly couple have just been through a really tough bereavement and are quite vulnerable and essentially said to me that they’re frightened of him so asked me not to involve them and I intend to respect that. They’re in their 80s and are fragile.
The other neighbours aren’t really chatty/friendly except the family directly opposite who have told me they’ve never witnessed anything besides the dog howling when they go out. So yeah, involving any other neighbours isn’t really an option.

Could be but it didn’t sound like that to me, though I do hope you’re right! I’ll keep you updated

Oh @TotallyTangerineGeum! I'm so sorry, your neighbours really are complete assholes! Keep recording everything.

I've recently had to speak to an MP about housing, they emailed and called our council, aswell as us and schools and our GP surgery, but didn't get anywhere, and said with the housing situation at the minute the housing authorities are a law into their own. Our MP got a reply after 3 months, that basically said to keep waiting.

Hopefully the people that visited your neighbours were just saying OK etc to show they understood the situation and were being proactive.

Have you heard from them since the visit? Sorry if you answered this already.

I'm trying to think of songs you could play back (in your head, not so they can hear!)

I know it feels awful, but I think what has just happened may actually work in your favour. Presumably through a combination of your camera and the noise app you can prove what they did with the music? And even better if the sticks and stones can be seen on camera. So once the guy is back from holiday you can offer to share the evidence which will show that they are being unreasonable and bullying in their behaviour.

Sorry to read this update. Remember that Adam was simply gathering evidence, & has all the other evidence. He will be following a process. Keep following up, also with your MP., & stay strong. You’re doing really well. Sending un-mumsnetty hugs on Yorkshire Day 💐

So sorry to read this update! I feel so angry for you.

I really do hope you get a response from your MP and Adam soon. Remember that their recent antics will add to all of the other evidence you have. I’m so sorry you had to deal with their harassment again yesterday.

Please keep posting on here @TotallyTangerineGeum it’s frustrating that we can’t help you physically but I’m hoping that the support you have on here will make you feel a little less alone in this nightmare. X

Could you buy noise cancelling headphones that you can wear whenever you go into your garden? It might not change the neighbours but will help preserve your own sanity as you won’t be able to hear them. Plus the ring for evidence ofc.
A family on my street has a similar problem and they have started putting each incident on the street WhatsApp group. Sometimes people raise their voice to support. Not sure how much it’s helping but at the very least it’s out in the open.
given your illness and that it’s your last summer (how sad!) I’d focus on ways you can enjoy your garden regardless of the insane neighbours.
you can also wear high decibel ear plugs if not headphones.

@TotallyTangerineGeum your MP is active on Twitter/X. This method of catching people’s attention is nothing like it was (thanks Elon) but it could encourage a response as there is an element of public exposure. I would be inclined to alert him to this thread that way. Obviously that is not for anyone here to do off their own bat.

He seems like a decent MP but no doubt with a lot on his to do list but even so, this is just the kind of thing he is there for and his input could bring a bit of focus from the organisations who are not really understanding your situation.

This is awful. Just keep noting everything down in your diary and make phone recordings of the music playing etc. They are awful neighbours and will hopefully be evicted but it is a long game. Sending you love and resilience. 💪💪💪

How are things @TotallyTangerineGeum ?