Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

He’s not being criticised for that. That financial arrangement has worked for them so far but now OP can’t go on

he can’t expect his current lifestyle to continue if OP can’t continue to make up the difference needed. He either earns more or they spend less

a discussion is needed but he can’t just expect the status quo to remain

I think they are both reasonable in their positions. It's absolutely reasonable to decide that a high octane career is no longer for you. It's also not wrong for the OP's DH to want to continue working in the career he loves and also live full time with his family. Yes, the OP has been maintaining their lifestyle, but I get the feeling that the lifestyle is primarily the one she has preferred (since she says he wasn't bothered about having children and would be happy to live in a hovel!) It may well be that they also have different standards when it comes to education and some of the schools she dislikes would be fine from his point of view. All this has to be discussed and balanced, it's not as simple as him now owing her because she has earned more.

My first advice was that it would be good to go home, be in a local community, simplify life etc find a good school. I think when you reevaluate life following a near death experience, it makes you realise what actually matters.

Having said all of that, if you ask the MN hive mind for eg a house with 3-4 bedrooms in Outer London in catchment for an excellent coed comp etc - we can most likely find something suitable if you set clear budget, type of house, distance from station etc. In Outer London schools are good and houses are much cheaper and gardens are bigger. I have visited a lot of friends in Outer London and am amazed at what some people have compared to eg Zone 2.

I think the issue is that if OP stays in London she won’t be able to afford to give up her current job as the differential is too much and the extra commute would be detrimental

I’m surprised that no-one seems to have picked up on the point that he works EVERY Saturday. OP, you say that has been a bone of contention for years, and I’m not surprised. Unless mandatory under the terms of his work contract, it’s beyond selfish.
Not enough that you have to work a 70-hour week to support his current lifestyle, you also have to do all childcare on one of your weekend days so he can do yet more of his “passion”. No lie in or free time for you on a Saturday morning to recover from your week while he steps up.
The larger decisions around moving, housing and schooling etc. obviously need extensive discussion and will take a while BUT there is one thing you can do right now to relieve the pressure - insist that he stops working every Saturday, a non-negotiable. If he refuses for any reason, I think that will unfortunately tell you a lot about his priorities.

Schools are wising up to this now though. Camden School for Girls has very tough criteria as there were very sharp elbows for several years.

Dear OP,

You are incredibly strong and brave.

I would get him to explore options, your health has to come first.

There are some excellent schools in different parts of the country, and what you could get housing-wise outside of London would change your family's whole quality of life.

You deserve a lifestyle that lets you breathe and enjoy your success!

I don't know if this has been suggested/considered...you move to somewhere that meets your needs and DH has a London bolt hole/grotty flat for term time? It'll be more child care etc for you though. I know people who have done similar when the DH was offered Prestigious Academic Job in London and the rest of the family stayed up north.

I've suggested that. It seems to be a good solution for the people I know who do it.

He doesn’t sound that bothered about lifestyle though. OP has said he’d have been happy in a grotty bedsit and he wasn’t that bothered about having kids.

It sounds more like OP is the driver of the “lifestyle” but now she’s decided that the burnout isn’t worth it, which is fair enough.

If that was the case he wouldn’t have an issue moving up north and living in a bedsit on his work days in London - OP has clarified that would be a minority of the year

First of all studio flats in London are still £££ so it’s a moot point whether they could afford to buy/rent 2 homes; secondly he may not want to be away from his family for weeks at a time, any more than OP wants to commute and miss time with her kids.

he may not want to be away from his family for weeks at a time,
I think people are talking about him staying in London for a few days a week, or at the most a work week ie five nights, no?

So the options are

he gets to stay as he is and OP burns out

they move to the suburbs and she sees less of the kids because of the commute but he’s good

both of the above OP still does almost half of the house/child jobs and pays for the childcare plus he isn’t home Saturdays

Or they move to a northern city with good links to London and she sees a lot more of her kids - she said he needs to be in London 1 day a week during term time so not weeks on end.

What about the Saturday working though? That sounds like it’s both essential and in London.

Maybe OP could clarify how many days he needs to be in London during the 30 weeks

It works for Camden. I know families that have done it in recent years and the council ran checks but it was cleared as they were calculated in how to meet the criteria.

I forgot about the Saturday working.

Why must it be "grotty"? What exactly has this man done that so many posters want him to atone for? He works as a teacher in an area he excels at, most likely earning £40-50k from what OP has said (is that about right OP?), worked part time when the children were small, changed the balance of his job to better accommodate family life, does more school picks up than the OP, and appears to be OK with downsizing within London so the OP can make a significant change to her toxic job. He sounds nice!

Have read OP posts again

he travels 3-4 nights a month at present and there is no suggestion the Saturday work has to be in London (he could be in his studio 🤷‍♀️)

I just think with the long hour/high stress job OP has a lot on her shoulders and if she completely collapses then they are screwed and his life is going to be a lot worse.

OP has repeatedly said she can’t downsize her job in London without falling below an income level that would make it unsustainable to move even further out. So moving out would be about reducing the financial pressure on her but maintains the working hours/stress

(and I think hovel was said because he said he would be happy to live in a hovel!)

I don’t think anyone is suggesting things continue as they are.

Either they move out and she commutes and sees less of the kids; or they move further out and he commutes and sees less of the kids.

The other option is to downsize within London. You can get a 4 bed flat in decent boroughs for 700-1 million. Flats are the one property type that have fallen in value in the last 5 years by as much as 30%.

I agree. He sounds like a good egg.

Besides my mother was a classical musician who taught at university/conservatoire level. It was a very rewarding, prestigious career albeit not particularly well paid.

Doesn’t sound like he’s a musician or there would be options for him in the north, but it sounds comparable.

I agree. 700k would buy OP a nice house with her equity, so also mortgage free in rural area in many of Home Counties - with fast train to London for her DH to get to work and be home each night whilst the OP is a SAHP with excellent schools and have better opportunities down the line for her career if she wanted to pick this up later.

She can also move North, have a much bigger house for her 700k, be close to her family and community and find work but the downside is her DH being away a few nights a week. Maybe that’s fine.

Seems she has a few options due to the hard graft and equity built up.

IMHO it’s her choice now. Her chapter. Where she wants to raise her teens and spend the next 10 years at least building a community for herself. I hope she can take the time to make the most enriching emotional decision for her own growth and benefit - her DH has had his fulfilment to date.

So OP has about £600k of equity in the house, and a mortgage that is causing her financial pressure, so probably about £600k - total house value about £1.2m. They can absolutely accommodate moving to a house worth about £800k-900k within the greater London area to bring the mortgage right down and mean the OP can work much, much shorter hours (part time if she wants). Someone else mentioned Winchmore Hill - great choice. 25 mins to Moorgate. Here is a 4 bedroom house within budget with an outstanding comprehensive on the doorstep: https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/89579346#/?channel=RES_BUY

If OP wants to move the family north then it's her life, crack on. But it really isn't the case that it is her only option.