Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Basically you are giving her mixed messages. You tell her that you are struggling for money but you keep giving it to her. No money means no money. If she's home from uni until October then she doesn't need pocket money, she can eat family meals etc. It's amazing how fast people find solutions once there's a famine. But DH needs to be on the same page and not slipping her a 20 on the sly.

My daughter finished Uni last year, we gave her £50 a week & she found a pub job to top it up, I’m not saying we didn’t give her a little extra now & then, but she knew it wasn’t a bottomless pit of money. Her Uni was in Twickenham so she had the London prices too. She needs to get a job & understand the value of money! Thankfully youngest daughter didn’t fancy Uni. But both have had the work ethic since they were 16. Good luck!

Sit down with your husband and work out a proper budget for your own household expenses, retirement plans, savings, car etc and then work out what if anything you can spare per month realistically. She presumably has a maintenance loan to cover her rent, and could get a part time job around her face to face tuition hours which are surprisingly low in some subjects, to cover utilities, transport and books and food.. if you are paying for an expensive phone contract stop when it expires.

For the summer holiday period , what realistically she might earn in a part time job is a bub or restaurants or shop. She may not like the idea but any job will benefit her and might help change her attitude and be less dependent on you. .

You have two other children who may go to university so plan for their possible attendance costs as well. Don't blow all your spare cash and savings on only one child. Only 2 of mine went to university which we had to part fund as they didn't get full.loans so didn't have enough to attend without help, but we provided our third child with similar amount of financial help a bit later towards their own important personal goal in life to help even things up.

She sounds like an entitled brat. Stop subsidizing her, both of you, and tell her to get a job if she wants money. Also tell her to stay at uni over the holidays because you're not putting up with her bullshit anymore more.

It sounds like you have raised a narcissistic spoilt brat!, why are you not standing up for yourself! Tell her if she treats you with disrespect she can leave and you will stop funding her lifestyle. If any of my chidren dared to treat me with such disdain they would be out of my house.

Children will always be children. They should not be disrespectful no matter how old they are. Its a blessing that you are sacrificing to accommodate her and she needs to comprehend that. It's not a right! Cut down what you're giving her to 1 3rd. Start saving and looking after you. Let her find a part time job and when she does, you no longer need to be supporting her monthly. She needs to understand the complexities and responsibilities of becoming an adult. Respect does work both ways, however, your children should not be disrespectful ever.

I had a mortgage when I went to uni at the age of 24 in the 80's - it was very tough!

Not as easy these days unfortunately:(
My bright, reliable and hardworking 16yr old is desperate for a summer job and has applied for about x20 jobs but still nothing 😕

This story sounds all too familiar. When I was at uni I had absolutely no support from my parents, because they were spending all their money on my eldest sister. I worked part time jobs doing cleaning, door-to-door, hospitality. All were low paying, but at least I still had money in my pocket.
I’m married now and my mother didn’t contribute anything to my wedding, because she’s still sending money to my eldest sister. She has no money for herself or to do nice things. The last time I offered to send her money she sent it straight to my sister. It’s almost like she has her wrapped around her finger, if she doesn’t do it, my sister makes threats at her saying things like she’s getting evicted. I stopped talking to both my sister and mother because all they ever do is ask me for money and it was beginning to affect me too.
Like many others have said you need to stop now otherwise she’ll control you for the rest of your life and your other children will suffer and will resent you.

When you speak to someone in a "bored, fed up tone" they're likely to take offense. It really doesn't matter that you're in your own home. The idea that you have the right to be insulting because you pay the mortgage doesn't wash. When your daughter responded "watch your tone, missy" it sounds like she's repeating words you've said to her in the past. So in short, you could both work on your communication skills and try to speak more kindly to each other. You will reap what you sow here!

That said, it could be helpful to think about finances and what you're willing to contribute going forward without feeling resentful. Perhaps daughter may need to take out a loan and/or get a part time job to contribute to her own education.

My daughter worked as a waitress through uni and my son in M&S, could she do something like that? We hadnt got spare money for them, it didn't effect their study, lots of their friends worked so I didn't feel bad.

When she criticises your kitchen or hoover just say “I’m glad you brought that up, we really need you to cover some of the uni expenses so we can do repairs or buy a new hoover. Shall we say in 8 weeks we will reduce our support by x amount, that gives you plenty of time to find a part time job”
she does need to learn some basic finance

Pack her bag and throw her out....miss precious should find her own place with a lovely kitchen and a new vac.....she's a grown woman and fck uni go to work! 🙂

You seem to have sorted out a plan to cover the holidays. But do wonder if just maybe you might be starting perimenopause, and begining to go through the phase which in which your ability tolerate incidents and issues like this is beginning to wear thin, and your reduced ability to brush off irritation may be result in you being more upset by a sense of ingratitude and entitlement while you have to push around a broken hoover. There will be light at the end of the tunnel.but it may be worth researching this if you have other symptoms so that you know what's going on.

Sorry to hear about the clash with your DD. Neither of you sounds very happy. I’m wondering if you can find something fun to do together where you can bond? Feels like you need to get your relationship mojo back. And maybe your own mojo with your own life.

Could you maybe explain that life is currently very demanding and that you’d like to share the load a bit more?

Also- what about your DH? Can he step in to reorganise things in a new way? Just a couple of ideas.

You don t need a qualification to work in care. Why are there so many foreigners, including lots of men, working in the home? Some can t even speak english. It s inhumane.

It’s not just her Dad’s wage, it’s yours as well. Household income over around 62k will reduce the student loan to minimum amount so there is an expectation that parents top up, although some don’t.

Most students I know work, as their student loan is insufficient. They might need to look for work longer than a day or two, but it is out there. Sometimes it’s not desirable work.

Do you work yourself? I ask because you mention about your husband’s wage reducing your DD’s loan amount to the minimum. BUt you say you are giving your daughter money yourself, so I am assuming you do work. It is entirely possible for your parents to earn a relatively low wage and still not get any more than the minimum loan. Two parents earning slightly more than minimum wage quickly takes you over the threshold. It’s tough! I think you need to sit down with your daughter and explain this, as I’m not sure she understands, which is why she is coming across as spoilt and entitled. I had this conversation with my DS when he was 15. He understood and has been largely financially independent since he left home for university. I am immensely proud of him.

Why are you responding to your DD’s questions with a poor tone? Is she right that you are depressed and she is perhaps more able to bring it up, now she doesn’t have to live under your roof any more? Why would you be pulling faces at her. Is she just getting on your nerves with her hoity toity attitude, usually acquired during the first term at uni? Usually, this wears off by Year 2 and they begin to show a bit of family appreciation again. It does sound that you are not being very nice to her and she is responding in kind and is being pretty vile too! This is a side issue really and will hopefully improve once you sort out the finances and you feel less bitter.

Short term solution:

• show her your income and outgoings. Ask her accommodation, food and travel cost whilst at uni. Ask her what she believes is a reasonable amount you are able to supplement her student loan by from October 2026 - June 2027 (assuming she doesn’t have accommodation costs over the summer, as she is home) You and your husband try and plan your budget around this, to see if it’s realistic. It is likely to be several hundred pounds a month. If you cannot afford this you must be honest with your DD. You must also include expenses for your younger DDs in your calculations for clothes, clubs etc.
• Advise your daughter that holidays, clothing, going out etc, must now be funded by her alone. She will probably need a job for this.
• Reassure your DD that you will continue to provide a bedroom and food over the summer for her, free of charge, so any earnings can be saved for next academic year.
• Tell her it’s perhaps best if she doesn’t join the family holiday, but concentrates her time securing a summer job and earning much needed money. Remind her she’s had her holiday with her friends - presumably funded by you and your husband entirely, as she doesn’t have her own income.
• share the concern of others on this thread that getting to age 20 without a job is likely to make things more difficult for her after she graduates. She needs to resolve this immediately.
• advise the cheeky cow that many successful people don’t grow up with a father. This is a really odd thing for her to say and shows a level of animosity that is not really explained.
• show us some pics of your house and we’ll decide whether you are a hoarder or not! 😂

P.S There’s nothing wrong with a bit of gaffa tape around a hoover. What is wrong is your daughter now believes your lifestyle is beneath hers. You have allowed this. She needs a reality check since she is not funding her own lifestyle yet, even though she is well into adulthood. Be proud you had the hoover and sellotape in the first place - more than your daughter can provide on her own, so don’t let her diss you!

When I was at uni (admittedly 16 years ago) you had your uni accommodation all year round as there was no option to only rent for term time. If it was me (appreciate this is quite personality dependent) I would let her know that you’ve been dying to replace the kitchen and the reason you haven’t been able to is because you’re supporting her through uni and paying for her to join the family on holiday, and if she doesn’t like the house she can spend the holidays in her uni accommodation. I doubt she’ll want to, as all her friends will be home for the summer. Also, I am from a relatively well off family (not rich and 4 kids all together) but I still worked in the summer holidays for spending money. You may not want to ask her to work in term time so she can focus on studying, but she could certainly get a holiday job and it would also get her out of the house and reduce opportunities to clash.

I'm sorry to say but your daughter is a nasty horrible person.tell her to find somewhere else to stay because your not going to put up with her nastiness towards you any more.

She sounds like a self-entitled, ungrateful a*hole. Probably unemployable due to her personality. What a waste of an education. I would cut off her funding, spend the money and energy on your other children - and yourself.

You are being bullied by your own flesh and blood in your own home, you can use what ever tone you wish, she pays nothing and is an ungrateful user, I can't believe all the gentle parenting comments, grow a back bone and tell her to fix up or get a job if she wants things, you are doing her no favours letting her be so disrespectful and entitled. You are setting her up for failure in the future, its your house, your rules.

It can be so hard now as so many companies don’t want to pay for extra staff.

I'd tell her straight that your home is tired and worn because you are sending her money you don't really have spare so can't afford to replace things. You are happy to help her but do expect to be treated with respect and will not tolerate rudeness until Oct. She needs to get a job/work agency this summer to help provide for herself next uni year

She’s an entitled spoiled brat. Cut her funding and tell her to stand in her own feet.

She sounds like a spoilt arrogant little miss , kick her out the house , she won’t last long sofa surfing at friends with her attitude , maybe she will change it come home and apologise , tough love is what’s needed