Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Have you tried natural consequences? She can get ger own dinner if she's rude. She's expected to do her own washing etc. She should also be helping with housework in the holidays.

Oh man, this kid has WAY too much power. She gets ypur money AND gets to be like that? She sounds entitled. I'm so sorry!

I think sit down with DH and say her behaviour is unacceptable. As a result she will now receive bare minimum financial support.

She is permitted to come on holiday. If she behaves badly she gets one warning. After that she will be on the next journey home alone. If needs be your DH will accompany her. Then he’ll be even mor annoyed at her, and she’ll learn the meaning of respect.

I moved out at 18, due to step father who was volatile, angry, blamed me for things and generally intolerable (he adopted me at 4 years old.) I often ran out of money for electricity (£ meter) and had max £10 a week for food. She should learn the meaning of gratitude. Life should get a lot harder if not.

She’ll be graduating soon and have to cover ALL her expenses anyway.

Wishing you the best of luck.

PS I also had no dad xx

Sounds like you could both do with checking your attitudes with each other.

My God, talk about victim blaming. Or is it "gentle parenting?"
Call me a harsh Northern Mum but this advice seems to me to say
Write WELCOME on yourself and let her wipe her feet on you properly.

Tell you feel it's embarrassing for you to be living in such dire circumstances, so in future your going to be replacing the hoover and making the whole place at least up to her Uni"standards, because otherwise it's not fair on her having to slum it, but she will need to pay her way through the summer holidays and get a job as you won't have the money to do so much for her, this is what most students do to survive and it will be a good experience for her, and you have to stand your ground, you will probably get some kind of hostile response but you've tried the soft way and it's really not working, you need to be feeling OK, your other children need you to be a fairly happy mum, I think you did your best to make her life easy and it hasn't done her much good as far as her being grateful, so now it's time for her to help herself, good luck hope you will enjoy your holiday, 🍀💞

My oldest son didn’t work at uni but he’s been employed ever since graduating two year’s ago and doing well. He’s very well liked and capable. I know working can be an advantage but it doesn’t always mean they’re a bad bet if they didn’t.

I bet your son hasn’t got this attitude though. Work ethic isn’t just about previous experience (although that sort of proof helps), it’s an awful lot about a young persons attitude and how they come across. Otherwise how does anyone get their first job. I do think the OPs DD would benefit from working; not just to help out with household finances and paying her way.

You had a mortgage when you were an 18 year old college student? Sure.

Straight after my A levels I was made responsible for my own money and had to work whilst being a student. I still never would have spoken to my parents like that. She sounds spoiled and entitled. Make her earn money and understand what you were sacrificing for her. She can also get a student loan like many others do.

Honestly she needs to learn how to be an adult. Student finance is there and maybe she could get a PT job. Why should your other daughters suffer? Why should you suffer financial hardship to be treated like that?

Sounds as if she feels guilty because you are so short of money because of her and you have let her know this. This comes across to her as blame and you are martrying yourselves. The guilt makes her angry and resentful rather than appreciative. So she mocks and winds you up which is horribly cruel in the way that young people can be when they get into this mood. Time for some straight talking, adult to adult. She's probably seeking independence so giving her more money won't help. Jobs are very hard to come by but there's usually some work to be had, such as in care homes, shops, bars or anything that can let her contribute. If she feels you are depriving yourself because of helping her she will get even more angry. Work out a way in which you can live peacefully or give her the option of staying at uni or maybe even backpacking with a friend. It is cruel but at this stage she will only respect you if you are tough and make clear boundaries.

No, he’s lovely. Very engaging, lovely manners etc. Never showed ‘attitude’ even during his teen years. He got a first with honours, but for whatever reason didn’t work through uni. He did embrace the uni life though, both in study and play.

Time to let her fend for herself. I was hard hard work as a teen but I was more than aware of how much my parents gave me so i could live away for uni and I was grateful. I had two jobs on top of that! She has no excuse. She can get a job or you can hold money back from her when she goes back and explain its for your new hoover and kitchen.

Well my friend went to uni at 50 so maybe that pp was the same 😁 I’ve never met an 18 yr old with a mortgsge to pay and is also a uni student 😯 I can’t think who would award them a mortgage?

This sounds hurtful .

I have 2 kids at uni - I give them some
money per month as does their dad (we are divorced )
However , both appreciate it . DD last week told me in a discussion about how she has friends who are better off than her but also those worse off (supported by parents ) DD works as well !
DS has over the summer .
We aren’t going away as a family this year !
In the summer Ive cancelled the money and both accept it !

I wouldn’t do it if I had to sacrifice basic stuff (a hoover is !)

I’d be reducing what you give her

You can easily get a job in supermarkets, clubs etc. Theres always a shortage of workers at weekends in hospitality especially.

Tell her to be gone by the time you get home, and stop giving her money. If she's so clever she can fend for herself.

Asking someone to moderate their tone is one thing, but shouting and calling them ‘missy’ isn’t on.
Tell her exactly how your finances are and ask her not to laugh about eg the hoover.

email her the link to this discussion and ask her to read the comments from other parents.

Anyone else reading this and thinking their parents would have torn them a new one if they spoke like this, especially the "why should I" response which blew my mind! Jesus my parents could kill with a look 🙈
Meaning this respectfully though OP. She sounds very spoiled & you're giving WAY too much money, if you're going short for things yourself. Nip this in the bud while you can and she's still young enough to change. Otherwise it will only escalate - she'll expect money when she gets a mortgage, goes on holidays etc because she hasn't learned to stand on her own two feet. I know it must be really hard & I think it just sounds like you've been too nice for your own good. Time for some healthy boundaries, my uni friends all just managed on their student loans & grants, we weren't subsidised other than the occasional treat and we were fine. You'll be doing her a favour in the long run xx

Yep, she's 20 so an adult. Tell her it's my way or the highway and if she thinks you should have a better vacuum cleaner you'll buy a Shark but she'll have to do without the money you send her so you can pay for it.

Don't take any nonsense in your own house, she can shut up or ship out.

If my child said to me about why my vaccum is being held together with sellotape or the kitchen is old, I just would have said you're right next monthg I'll be buying a new vaccum with my money and that means you won't be able to have an allowance and if I want a new kitchen you won't be getting one for the forseeable future. That is just so ungrateful behaviour, bet she would be changing her mind quickly when she gets no further money.

You need to stop funding her. She needs to get a job and if she keeps speaking to you that way you kick her out. She is young buy grown. It's that simple.

@Missparentmisery ... You say in your first post "Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change."

I'm going to go against the general enthusiasm for blaming you and giving her the benefit of any sympathy whatsoever. She badly needs to lose her attitude (and her self-importance) and bloody well grow up, or face the consequences.