Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Another point I meant to add to my previous post, albeit not totally directed at the Ops daughter, yet still relevant with today's teens & young adults.

It appears from a very young age children nowadays are given complete autonomy over decisions which should be in the hands of the parents, no ifs or buts about it.

This leads children to grow up with very little respect for the opinions of others simply because they have learned what they say, what they believe & what they want is key. This eventually includes ignoring their parents advice in issues where life experience would benifit them. It also leads to being disgruntled when they eventually grow up & realise it's actually impossible to have autonomy over every single decision, especially when others are involved. The realisation the hypothetical stamping of feet whether in childhood or adulthood makes no difference.

Haven’t read all of the replies but the first lot are MAD! OP’s daughter is rude, spoilt and entitled.

I worked from 13/14 and also contributed (helping with cooking cleaning etc) didn’t have to pay until I started a full time job tbf. But my parents also helped me out financially in terms of sensible things.

My son has been working for his ‘fun money’ from 15. We will also be happy for help him out as he is helping himself.

I would NEVER employ someone with a degree who hasn’t worked as well. Lack of work ethic.

Good for you and your son. Unfortunately the OPs daughter couldn’t work since she was 13/14/15 because as we learnt from a pretty big drip feed, she was ‘very ill for a very long time’ before she started her A Levels.

You brought your kid up with no consequences or boundaries. You either out come in or she treats you like shit forever. This is on you.

I hope she's not coming on holiday with you.

Can she stay in her student flat over the holidays in future and work? Lots of people do. If she can't be respectful that's what she should do.

You are giving her too much money. Work out what you can afford to give her for uni and tell her anything else has to be earnt. You have spoilt her.

Of course it is all the wicked stepmother's fault even though I did not meet my husband until around 10 years after the rudeness happened.

Oh sorry, I thought you told that story as if your husband has been cautious about telling his daughter he’d chuck her out, and that you’d encouraged it. Apologies if I misunderstood.

I don’t think you’re a wicked step mother, but I do think navigating parents breaking up / living with new partners / blended families etc is tough on kids and young adults, and I’m pretty disposed towards giving them the benefit of the doubt on quite a lot of rudeness tbh.

ANYWAY, that isn’t the OPs situation so it’s fairly irrelevant to the thread, and I’m afraid you’re not going to persuade me that making children feel less secure their parents aren’t going to reject them / throw them out is a good idea for building positive long term relationships.

You pretty much can though. My daughter's a student and she walks in and out of those sorts of jobs easily.

Not less. No money.
Money needs to be earned. Whether that's work or respect. Ideally both. She's 20. She doesn't want to respect you? Ok. Her choice. But so is your money.

The moment u stop thinking I do so much why is she treating me like this and start thinking- ok she doesn't value my money enough to be respectful- is when things start to clear.

Also I hate this generation's peers. A lot of this comes from outside influence and likely she's not being respected sonshr takes it out on you.

Check out adhe dude videos. She may not have adhd but the entitlement can be handled the same way

What 🤣. A parent should change their behaviour because the child is acting out...wow thats a first.

Children learn to behave in the way they see modelled at home. It’s not necessary to be some kind of upbeat robot but if their parents do not make the effort to be kind and respectful to their children, that’s what they’ll learn.

Unfortunately, there can be something of a time lag in the learning of it. So they can still behave horribly even as you’re being nice to them (but calmly and consistently pulling them up on bad behaviour). That doesn’t mean the method is wrong. It just means it’s a long, long game.

She needs to get a job. All students should get a job, because it is so good for their development in many, many ways, but yours should even more so, because she is taking money you need. She needs to learn how to hustle for a job now, not when she’s released as a graduate. It will help her future job searches too.

You need to get stern and serious now about her looking for a job. And if she doesn’t pull her finger out, it would be totally reasonable not to take her on any holidays in future. It’s fiddling while Rome burns to be relaxing on holiday when you actually need to be earning money. And not fun for you to take her, thinking about all the potential working time she’s missing while you’re away. Too annoying.

I’ve just done this with my son and it’s worked a treat.

If it were me, I'd explain her choices- to treat me with respect or pack up and move out.

I think, having 3 daughters of mu own, that you stop bankrolling her life to the detriment of ypur own and until she shows respect, do nothing for her. Daughters can be challenging but shes an adult and shes taking the absolute piss. Dont enable her behaviour and just draw a line now.

I’d be inclined to show her the door. You are sacrificing a great deal for her to go to university and if she cannot be civil she will have to find out what real life means.

Whilst this is true. She tried once when she was 18. So 2 years ago. How many jobs did she apply for and for how long? They need to apply to a LOT of jobs. DD2 applied to around 30-40 for her uni job and similar number for her ‘year in industry’ job. My 16yr old DD3 also applied to around 50 Saturday jobs over the course of around 9 months before landing one. They simply cannot give in. It’s bloody awful for them but it’s also not great that the Hoover is falling apart and she takes the piss. I’d be annoyed too. And she’d know exactly why. If it’s so easy to earn more to purchase a new kitchen etc then go give a try sweetie.
@Missparentmisery she probably is joking but it’s hurtful. I doubt she means it to be a dig. You need to tell her calmly that it’s hurtful and why. Then encourage her to get a job, pay her way and contribute to her own up keep a bit more.

If she really can't get a job can some of your money be dependent on volunteering at the local charity shop, care home, library etc?
It would get her out meeting people and may lead to paid work... And something to put on a cv?

Don't think she should be calling her mother Missy
I have had similar problems all dd's life
You must not let it go but it's hard to explain how she makes you feel without an argument
You sound like a very kind mum and she should respect and be grateful to you..if she isn't then stop being
Agree about holiday tell her she can't come unless she becomes more considerate of everyone
Might be worth asking if something is wrong too. Mother's always get it in the neck

Had the same with my daughter since she finished Uni...shes at home, treats it like a hotel & can be disrespectful to myself & her dad...she takes over the house, shes had money for holidays, cars & birthdays. We were the same had a row before going on holiday, thought id better clear the air but just got attitude & disrespect. I was so upset by this & brought me to tears to think she could talk to me that way after everthing we do for her. I decided not to talk to her for rest of the holiday, best thing i could have done! I even messaged my own mum to apologise for if i'd ever made her feel that way.Still not forgiven her properly xx

1. you shouldn't be giving her money you can't afford. If you haven't sat down with her and explained about your finances, but that you're trying to do the best you can - then that's on you, not her. How is she supposed to know if you don't tell her? You cannot be resentful for her 'taking the money from your kitchen/ other siblings / broken hoover'etc. she doesn't know that you're choosing between these things. if she doesn't know the value of money yet, then it's up to you to teach her - in an adult, non-confrontational, sympathetic & constructive way.

1. Encourage her to get a job because of the benefits, skills and opportunities it will open up for her. Not as punishment - and not because 'she has to' with you taking the money away (this is literally asking to be the villain). There is a positive way to open that chat , and then you can openly tell her how you've been a bit stressed lately because you're worried about money and you've been trying to prioritise her because you want her to have the best in her uni years. Apologise to her if it's come across differently and for not being open with her and explaining this to her before. She will appreciate being spoken to as an adult in such a positive and open way - and probably offer to do what she can to help.

1. start taking some accountability. The way you speak about this like it's "her personality", "her attitude" , "her not showing you respect", "her taking money away from the other things your family needs" "your family is suffering because of her".

reality check - this is your daughter. Try thinking about what decisions you have made that might have impacted the way she is acting. This could all be sorted with an empathetic adult conversation, and trying to put yourself in her shoes. And yes, she has a right to pick you up on your tone, if that’s what you do to her. Yes you’re her mum but that doesn’t mean she owes you any more “respect” than what you give to her. Time to hold up a mirror, and get on her level.

p.s, the silent treatment might be a defence mechanism, she might be feeling
overwhelmed and simply given up trying to get you to understand her or where she is coming from, and it's her way to stop this escalating into more of an argument. Try to understand her point of view.

I had the same thing. I have two girls and a boy that I pretty much raised myself. They're flexing their independent muscles and think they are big bold and dangerous. All three of mine apologised for their behaviour and acknowledged what they had done. Only to continue that bad behaviour. To preserve the peace in my life I cut them off. Haven't spoken to them in almost ten years now. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. All I know is, my sanity and peace are worth more than even a relationship with kids that favour other family members anyway.
I can't give you advice. You'll choose whatever path is best for you. All I can do is relay what I did to preserve my sanity. My philosophy is that we pass this way but once. Nobody has the right to make that a horror story. Not even your own kids.

I think that your DD is taking the p--s! She's living at home with you, no doubt free and gratis. She expects you to provide her with whatever she wants. I suspect a large dollop of emotional blackmail is in the mix here. Call her bluff. Use the N word. Why should you tolerate ill behaviour like that. I sure wouldn't. Good luck.

Darling that is absolutely awful. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. She is NOT being playful, she is acting like a spoiled b**ch. I would calmly tell her that you have decided to do all the things she has belittled and criticised instead of her finishing her course. Unless she wants to work to fund herself as many people do. Who the hell does she think she is?
When they go to Uni and come back arrogant and looking down their noses, they need a turn around, a setting of boundaries. She's an adult, she can leave. How is she going to manage? What is she going to do after her studies because you really WON'T want that level of disrespect if she decides on a gap year, higher degree or just to lollop around sponging off you.
If she's going to leach you dry then she needs to show some gratitude.

Spoilt, entitled brat but you raised her to be exactly that. It's not too late to kick her lazy *rse and to stop funding her. She's obviously very jealous of people who can afford more than her at university, and she's furious that you're not a millionaire, when she should actually be extremely grateful for the opportunity you're giving her.