Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

that's just the tip of the iceberg though

I totally agree with you.
I meant the soppy posters are probably just teenagers. Or people who have never dealt with teenagers.
There's a lot of soppy posts on mumsnet which I doubt are from real mums.

You should read Phillipa Perry's book about relationships. You are both not taking the time to understand how the other one is feeling so repeat the same argument over and over. You sound like you resent her for all the money you pay. I have never heard a grown woman use the word boring so many times in a paragraph.

To the harassed Mum working v hard to keep the home going for her 3 children….you are all that a loving mother should be, you are doing your best and please don’t forget that…If your daughter was attending a local university and having to live at home, she would long for the freedom of being elsewhere, sometimes it’s healthy to be reminded of how much parents sacrifice to support their children’s dreams and futures. If paid work isn’t available to her, volunteering is always accessible and that’s ignoring the obvious contribution she can make at home to help with housework, the garden, cooking etc etc. setting a good example for the other children is a very important part of being the big sister. Everyone has rough days, your life sounds demanding and without many frills. I know it’s what parents ‘do’ but it’s important to have these sacrifices recognized because they are acts of selfless love. The Hoover issue shows how bogged down life can get.
My next comments are v subjective, but I once remember saying to my Mum when I was in my 30s and had a successful and well paid job, that her determination to ensure that my siblings and I attended university made our home a rather strict and regimented environment…my mother was a single mum and in poor health, she had 5 children. She looked at me with such pain and said that when we were teenagers, she sat downstairs knitting or sewing or fixing stuff and wouldn’t make a sound, so that we could concentrate in our bedrooms on our studies. She wouldn’t put on the TV or play any music because it wouldn’t be fair. I had no idea how much she self disciplined and denied herself (for years) to help us. I took all she did for granted until she talked about it, then I could see her years of loneliness and the dull drab routines which had dominated her life. I’m not suggesting that your home isn’t happy or that anything is profoundly wrong, but sometimes to sit down and say ‘darling this is the reality of my life…this is the reality of Dad’s life…this is how we budget and we are working flat out because we love and cherish you and we want you to have access to education….and when you show disrespect towards me, or a sort of resentment that we don’t have more money, it troubles me greatly about your values, and how you see the world. You are very privileged, you have a good home, parents who love you, siblings who love you. You can go to university. You need to demonstrate that you value other people and that you are kind and sincere. I don’t want to have any more rows or passive aggressive silences. I won’t tolerate being ignored in my own home. We are a team in this family and you have a big part to play in creating a loving happy home. Don’t let me and your Dad down because I know you’re capable of being the best’.

Stop giving her money till Oct. You are providing bed and board. Everything else is her responsibility as an adult.

I couldn’t find anything in the OPs post about anything other than rudeness / arguing and not having a summer job (the OP and her husband have made the financial choices here - the daughter likely doesn’t even know how much financial pressure they’ve put themselves under). Have I missed something else she’s done?

As opposed to all the genuine mums on the thread who have DEFINITELY in real life cut off their children from any financial support at university or thrown them out of the family home for a bit of arguing back you mean?

Op says she was like this before she went to uni. Downright rude to Op and never worked - she’d have had 3.5 months off summer between A levels and University doing nothing that’s not on. So it isn’t her readjusting after being away from home just her usual personality. Telling your mum she needs to go on medication and telling mum to watch your tone missy isn’t normal young adult behaviour.

To be honest, all the stuff about medication and hoarding made me wonder if she might have genuine concerns about her mum that she’s handling badly. We only have the OPs side of the story, and even she admits she was responding to both her daughter and husband in a rude, bored voice. The daughters behaviour might not be normal in a healthy household where everyone is treating everyone else with respect, but I do wonder if that’s what’s happening here.

"Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

She has never worked she did try to get a job when she was 18 but nothing since."

I meant this....that this vacation was the tip of the iceberg but that the attitude is not new

Ah, thank you - that makes sense.

I do think the OP should try to respond with curiosity if her daughter has seemed angry with her for years - it’s fairly rare that people are just inherently nasty (or any of the other words people have used to describe a 20 year old on this thread) and that’s the end of the story!

4 privately educated children here, all of whom had part time jobs, because we believe it to be very important to instill responsibility, hard work, reality, and time management.

A substantial inheritance largely funded their private education, as can often be the case.
We are very comfortably set up.

There were definitely a substantial number of very wealthy students in their schools, but also many parents like us that chose to invest extra money in what we perceived to be an excellent return.

No way would any of my jobless children speak to me like that.
Not a chance.

I suspect this is not a sudden development.
I would be stopping all money.

Her going on a holiday without a job, is so ridiculous.
You need to give your head a real wobble.
My very affluent circle really insist, as do we, that our children live in the real world.

That means them working and experiencing what a minimum wage job is like.

However you look at it, the DD is well out of order. In what world would it ever be acceptable for a 20 year old DD, at uni being funded by her parents, to call her mother ‘Missy’?

Apparently a lot of people on this thread think it's fine. Which I find mind boggling.

OP I suspect it is a tough adjustment for you both.
yonks ago, my DM and I got on dreadfully in my first summer return from uni,& yes i was working.
My DF, who never undermined DM, got to the point where he said he’d had enough of both of us fighting.
I went back to Uni early.
But the adjustment is hard.
Hang on in there. It’ll be ok.

I think when your young adult goes to uni they begin to gain their independence and both of you struggle when they return in the holidays, it’s def a change in dynamics but does ease as you both adjust . She does need to get a job during the uni holidays and maybe discuss with her you are struggling financially to support all your kids ! Enjoy your holiday .

I think it sounds way beyond a bit of arguing back and readjusting after being away at uni. Op says she was like this before she went away.
Hopefully Op has enjoyed her holiday.

I don’t think anyone has said it’s fine.

I think the people who aren’t saying things like throw her out or cut off all her money are saying things like….

• its worth being curious about WHY the daughter is so angry all the time (because we agree it’s not fine) - but worth considering if there’s something else going on (especially as the OPs description of the the dynamic raises a couple of flags)

• The OPs response should be proportionate - homelessness is not really a proportionate punishment for being rude, and is unlikely to improve the relationship in the long term

She’s spoilt.
had the same with one of mine when she had a year out .told her she either had to get a job or go back to uni as I couldn’t afford to subsidise her anymore, she got a cleaning job. Only 20 hours a week but still.

it is hard to get holiday jobs as a uni student these days so your dd needs to pack her attitude in and you need to stop giving her so much money. Out of interest apart from day to day living expenses like food what is she spending her money on? Is it on going out, hair done, nails done, buying random shit?

I don't think it's "fine". I suspect undiagnosed autism because it is such a specifically "wrong tone and context" insult - most people would understand how inappropriate it is to your mother.

All rudeness must be autism. Only on MN

I think she's probably been used to being her own boss, fitting in with friends & having fun/getting her work done. Coming home is totally different where she's expected to fit back into family life not dusrupt it. We're the same, Uni is finished - 3 years if hell is how she described it but then nothingness. She has a part time job but wants more hours.

No. But I have an autistic daughter and the OP's daughter's comment rings bells for me. It's so off-tone but it is also kind of fitting for what was happening - you could imagine a mother saying it to her daughter for example (in fact i wonder where the girl heard it....). Autistic girls often copy other people and use expressions that kind of fit but don't in the particular context and that's what I see here. Plus she acts helpless on the job front and at home.

I think it’s really reasonable and kind of you to advise responding with curiosity: maybe it’s autism or some kind of neurodiversity, maybe it’s low mood or depression …. But if she has been angry for years, it’s much more likely SOMETHING is wrong than that she’s just naturally a horrid child (I don’t believe in those!).

Unfortunately, I don’t think the OP is likely to engage with your thoughtfulness. Despite her definitely not being the problem her daughter seems to be walking on eggshells around her moods, she left the thread when the first couple of people disagreed with her.

except apparently this predates uni