Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

I mentioned this up thread and no one picked up on it and I don't know if OP is ever coming back but I'll say it again, could she have undiagnosed autism? Her social skills seem severely lacking, her inability/unwillingness to get a job or help out at home, her inappropriate language with her mother (getting the tone of her joke utterly wrong with her mother when it would be ok in another context eg with a friend is classic asd).... Asd is hard to diagnose in academically able girls.

It wasn’t a joke. She was looking down her nose at her mother.
Sometimes people are just not very nice. And nothing to do with any undiagnosed condition.

Calm down 🤣🤣🤣

They may discourage work during termtime, but they certainly don't during the summer vacation.

Also to say university breaks are vacations not holidays i.e.students vacate university premises, teaching and research staff typically get approx 6/52 weeks A/L per year, duing students' vacations they catch up on module admin, module development, markibg, moderating, research etc., all required, tight deadlines. Many staff are on short term, precarious contracts. One of the most anmoying things is to receive emails from ug students starting ' Sorry to disturb your holiday...'🙄 When I am on A/L I put an out of office auto message with redirection instructions for students and colleagues on my email.
Most courses requre students to catch up on coursework, reading, some have exams on return.
(I know about rental contracts btw.)
Students need to maximise their earning money time. They are allowed relaxation time too. Some courses are long and arduous and stressful.
OP's dd seems to need to be told some home truths It seems

I would be explaining that her money is going to be dramatically reduced and she needs to find a job and if she has that attitude then she can live at uni.

Instead of replying in a bored tone, why not just have a conversation about dinner, about improving things. Maybe ask your DD to make dinner a couple of times a week. You sound resentful, which might be fair enough, but nothing will be solved by sniping at each other.

I will say all those incredulous about uni age adults not working, it’s definitely a thing. I see a lot of new graduate CVs. Some are 21/22, some even older with masters too and no paid work. A decent percentage fall in this category. When we are wondering what they have done with their time it’s not a good look.
I have a dd in this uni age group and know finding paid work isn’t easy but nothing at all invariably means they don’t get through to interview as they don’t score as highly as those with academics/work experience and paid work.
It sounds like the dd is in a very cosseted bubble and not working has been norm. Setting exception that they do something with their summer from leaving school is important. Op’s dd is now on her 5th summer of not working at her parents expense. The longer they don’t work the harder it is as they’ll be competing with yp with several years experience.
My absolute line in sand with my dd was I’m not working ft while you do nothing.
Volunteer, work experience, job they need something constructive. Yes downtown and time with friends too.
But if she’s got time to be nitpicking mum about her tone, state of house, unsold bike, what’s for tea she’s clearly got too much time on her hands.

So you are putting up with verbal abuse and paying for the privilege. No way would she be getting a penny more than legally necessary out of me. Actions have consequences and just because somebody is your mother doesn't mean you have carte blanche to ridicule and bully them. You may think you are helping her, but allowing her to be selfish and cruel won't do her any favours in the long run.

You have my sympathies OP. Young people returning from uni isn't something we prepare for. They get a taste of freedom and forget that respect when they come home. Its normal but its bloody hard work. Navigating this atm.

Stop giving her money end of she’s obviously spoilt. Start charging for food toiletries etc. Shes 20 being able to come home to a parents house not have to work and go on holiday all expenses paid is very luxurious in my opinion.

This is a lesson to parents to encourage your kids to get a part time job as soon as they are old enough - stacking shelves at Tesco, retail, hospitality. Yes it’s a bit harder now but there are still jobs out there. I work in retail, my DH in hospitality. We do not want the students who haven’t ever worked and suddenly decide to apply for a PT over the summer position at 21. We want the ones who’ve worked in cafes, washing dishes, on the till from 16/17 who’ve learnt a few life skills.

Not correct. There is a shortage of Carers at the moment. You have to gain a qualification by the time you have worked in care for 5 years. I write from Scotland, it may be different in England.

You should go without her. And let her know she needs to get a job and a better attitude by the time you're back, or move out. She's an adult. Also tell her that paying the money to top up her maintenance loan is not compulsory and you'll be making a decision about that at the end of September, depending on how the summer has gone. Take the loss on her place on the holiday, it will be worth it.

I'm with you on this. If one of my daughters said that to me I'd go into orbit. How fucking dare she talk to you like that. There are some wishy washy twits on this thread!

Our local pubs are full of student waitresses and bar staff. The local garden centre has got a couple of students, they've been working weekends and holidays for a couple of years. One is a goth, not that it makes any difference, just unexpected to meet a goth in a garden centre.

A local 14 year old has set up his own business, gardening and washing cars for neighbours.

Op daughter has obviously been spoilt from a very early age. She had a nasty mouth on her when she was still at school.
Mothering tip: nip it in the bud. Young children need to be made aware of behaviour expectations. Teenagers need to have a reminder when they try to push boundaries.

I think you'll find they're teenagers, or people who have never reared a teenager.

Agree. If I had spoken to my mum like that I would have been knocked into next week (not condoning corporal punishment). My kids have never spoken to me like that. On the (very) rare occasion I felt they overstepped they were immediately pulled up for it and proffered (voluntarily) apologies.

@HarshbutTrue2 Teenagers still need to be told, they don’t get carte blanche to behave badly because they’re a teen. I’ve raised two teens and never had to deal with the bad attitude OP’s dd has.

Give her respect ,don't give heroney and resent her for it ,let her find work ,it may not be easy but that's life !

I definitely think some miss the boat.
This dd tried when she was 18 to get a job for first time. But she needed to be paid 18 yr old nmw.
Ideally they need to be doing something in mid teens that will help get work. So volunteer as a guide or scout young leader, help coach younger children at a sports club they attend. Anything is good on a cv and the leader can be a referee.
Once they have done GCSEs then they have a couple of months off. They are cheaper than an 18 yr old. Some chains will hire them at 16 - locally Tesco and McDonalds do.
Work through 6th form. Not so much it affects study (my DD’s sixth form recommended max 10 hours a week) Every dc I know that got a degree apprenticeship or top uni place had a small pt job. Especially for apprenticeships they want to see you can juggle work and study.
If they are struggling to get work they need to be proactive. Eg volunteer in charity shop to get retail experience. Look at any qualifications that may help eg lifeguard or refereeing junior football. There’s hospitality apps for adhoc work. Consider schemes like Camp America you can go from 18 or staying in uni city if jobs more plentiful there.
By 20 or 21 they are going to find it extremely difficult to get a job if they have no paid work under belt.
My daughter is same age as OP’s and I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that. My dd is off for 4 months this summer before yr3 there’s no way I’d tolerate her lazing around expecting me to fund everything. She has opted to work abroad for 3 months which hasn’t cost me anything.

No, this isn't on. She's got used to talking to you like shit - but she's an adult now and should know better.

1. Tough love. Tell her she has to get a job as you can't keep bankrolling her.
2. Don't take her on holiday.
3. Tell her she's got six weeks grace when she goes back, so she can get some waitressing work or whatever

Uni students get plenty of downtime, for having a job, trust me. Plus, most have a little job to help pay their way.

Stop acting as if you have to still spoon-feed her. Good luck, but you should have done this by now!!! Love

On a practical level I’d speak to her with your husband there. Say you need to find a way to make things work over summer. You know it’s tricky slotting back in at home but it’s not acceptable to speak to you like that.
Signing up for a babysitting site sounds quite passive. Is she advertising on Facebook too. Is she looking for other jobs with more hours. Is she likely to get work - does she have experience with children, first aid, dbs etc.

Give her enough money to cover her rent and bills but nothing more. She is 20, she needs to earn some money for herself, and all year round as well.

If my daughter spoke to me like that, I would hit the roof. There is no way she would speak to me like that in my house, especially when she is dependent on me to be able to go to Uni.

If your DD doesn't like your house then maybe she would like to go back and stay at the Uni house that she is still paying bills on?

She seems to be wanting to be an adult yet acting like a spoiled child.

If she misbehaves on holiday then send her home again.

You sound like a fabulous Mum, but by too much giving you have created a monster. There is always bar and cleaning work and care work you learn on the job no qualifications needed, she needs a dose of the real world. Your Daughters behaviour is mental abuse.

That attitude is awful, my DC have finished uni and are back at home. It’s not all harmonies and we are adjusting, but I wouldn’t take that sort of attitude from them.
I also know what sets them off - DS sometimes doesn’t like my ‘tone’ although I can’t see a major issue with it but he will politely say he doesn’t like it when I talk like that - which is fine, it’s not rude to say it like that, ‘watch your tone’ is. We all get irritated with each other occasionally, but the dynamic between you and your DD is well off.

Your DD needs to get a job - it’s not easy but it can happen - she should at least be looking.
I def wouldn’t be funding DCs at expense of getting new household equipment.