Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Similar situation to me and you don't realise how much strain you are under trying to keep that one AC happy until they go NC and you accept it.

I've been a carer for 32 years, across both local/independent care agencies and the big nationals. Each and every one of them fund staff DBS's.
Recruitment across the sector is beyond crisis point. Any agency requiring staff to pay for their own DBSs wouldn't attract anyone. Same with asking for experience and/or qualifications.
Every single agency is crying out for care staff, and they'll bite the hand off uni students willing to work the Bank across holiday periods, evenings and weekends.

She sounds delightful.

Missy needs to be told that because she has become an entitled arsehole her income is being halved and she is going to need to get herself a job.

I'm sorry, but I would never fund for my children to attend university if they had never had a job before.

I know the job market isn't great at the minute, but there definitely are jobs for students where I live.

Our children, even though they're young now, know and understand that they will be expected to get a part-time job as soon as they turn 16.

I think OP should send her daughter back to her uni digs for the summer, she can cook her own fucking dinner then. I loved staying at my student digs during the summer, but then I loved the job I had when I was a student and this madam hasn't bothered to get one.

Her CV will look empty and surely employers won't be amused at a 20 something year old having never worked before?! She should be embarrassed of herself.

She’s a spoilt self righteous little brat. You can’t afford a hoover because you help her ? Cut her off and see what kitchen she’s looking at . I’m a parent of one daughter who gets on my nerves at times but never am I disrespected the way you are . She’s actually mocking you . Little bitch needs to get a job and pay for it herself. If that was me I’d of got a slap off my patents .if she appreciated the help then you wouldn’t mind. But this is another level of a brat who gets everything given to her and doesn’t appreciate a single thing.

A 20 year old that’s never had a job?

She needs to start looking PDQ. And there are jobs out there. My DS works practically FT whilst at uni and most of his student friends have got jobs in retail/hospitality.

And any 20 year old that told me to “watch your tone Missy” would be given the sharp edge of my tongue. The cheeky little bitch.

You have done your daughter no favours in giving her so much money.

Tell DD that you expect her to find a holiday job (until Oct. ) while you're away. And that the cash hand outs are going to be fewer next year. That it's best that she learns more independence with her finances.

Apologise for stunting that part of her development by giving her too many hand outs.

Enjoy your holiday and do not relent.
Your other children need to see you exercising self respect.

Try to always treat DD1 with respectful communication.

Why are you both giving her money then?

It's a toxic mix of martyring yourself for her financially while also thinking this gives you the right to be rude and dismissive towards her.

I think a lot of it sounds like it's meant in jest...sort of banter. Then you get defensive and she's left feeling like she can't connect with you. Same with the comments about your tone and being depressed- it's actually hard work to feel like you have to step on eggshells all the time or you dont know what someones mood will be when you come downstairs.so you need to take a bit of accountability for that. I'm concerned that you think you can act however you like in your own home. You can act however you like but you can't expect everyone else in the world to accept poor behaviour. Is it also not her home too? If you can't afford to help her financially as much as you are then you need to tell her that in a neutral way and she will need to borrow more or work. I think you're blaming everything on her and it sounds like you've got some blame too. She's and adult now and unfortunately you need to treat her with a bit more respect as well as expecting it from her.

Next year she should be in full time employment.
I wish we could have a fast forward thread, so that we find out what she is actually doing.

Why would they?

Discussed this earlier. Oxbridge terms are very short and meant to be very intense. Students are not supposed to have term time jobs, they're meant to be studying.
However, most do get jobs in their long holidays.

Yeah, well, the whole point of university used to be to get an education, which leads to a well paid job. Hopefully, these highly educated, high earners will contribute positively to society.

Those ideas have now become antiquated. There's a whole generation going to university who shouldn't really be there.

University has become a money making racket. Actual teaching hours are very low. A lot of students doss around doing bugger all. The student loans system is just a disaster.

Even student housing/lodging is a big con. I would argue that it contributes to the housing crisis. Lots of family homes in a city near me have now become student houses. Thus depriving families of homes.

Others have asked if op daughter is first in the family to go to university. I'm betting that she is. Parents who have been to uni themselves don't cosset their kids as much. They know the score.

Schools and unis don't give good financial advice. Schools want to tick the boxes for the destination of their students. Unis don't care about students, they just want the funding.

If op daughter had a career in mind, she would be looking to get experience in that area. For example, if she wanted to be a teacher, she would be volunteering at summer clubs.
University should be teaching her the importance of a cv and how to write one. They should be preparing her for the world of work and becoming a useful member of society.

Too late now, but Parents should have considered the financial implications. It is fashionable now to stay at home now whilst at uni. Savvy parents don't waste money.

Hmm… I dunno. I think you have to give respect to get it back and if your life is being enabled by someone else, who has actually gone out of their way and sacrificed for you, and you can’t even bring yourself to make a bit of pasta for dinner instead of waiting for them to get home from work and then repeatedly asking ‘what’s for tea?-as an adult you probably don’t ‘deserve’ a perfectly neutral tone.
OP is a human being and she deserves to have some help, not hindrance from her adult daughter. Though TikTok will undoubtedly be telling said adult daughter differently.

She sounds very rude. And perhaps has an over inflated opinion of herself. Lots of people have gone to university.
I would not put up with her tone actually. Missy indeed.

I don’t pay add an allowance when she’s at home from Uni.

I thought most students had holiday jobs? I'd lay the law down and tell her to pull her weight and earn some money herself - IT DOESN'T GROW ON TREES!

sounds like a very entitled young lady who needs to learn the facts of life... you pay for her lifestyle. I would be definitely cutting that back. She can find her own job and get money that way. You and your husband are entitled to your own money and to spend it the way you want. If she is that nasty, tell her you won't be spending that money on her but she can enjoy the new kitchen you and your hubby are going to purchase... it may take a bit and be a bit stressful but it will be the making of her. PS enjoy the new kitchen.. or whatever you want to spend the xtra money on.

Why on earth do you give her money so that you have nothing left? Why prioritise her over yourself? I’d stop all that right now.

It’s not ok for her to behave like that. if she doesn’t improve, I’d tell her how her behaviour is affecting you then ask her to move out.

I don’t think it is playful or banter at all. If as a young adult you believe your mother is depressed you don’t tell her to watch her tone missy.
You sit her down and try to understand and try to help. You don’t watch her struggle and continue to talk about how her face is inappropriate. You don’t watch her clearly not having money because she has given it all to you.
If you have a heart you feel sorry about it. And try to help.

Yes the job market is poor but there are always jobs available in care - it's just that most teenagers don't want to do them. I was a single parent and couldn't afford to top up my daughter's grant as any money from her Dad ended at 18. She worked all through Uni in care roles - if she hadn't, she'd have had to leave. I helped by supporting her as much as I could in the holidays. She would have got short shift if she'd spoken to me as your daughter has done. With adulthood come adult responsibilities including earning if your parents can no longer support you and treating them with respect.

I wish people would stop telling people who can’t find jobs to become a carer. Like it’s the default job when there is nothing else!! Being a carer should be more of a vocation and people should do it because they want to not because it’s a last resort. Look how this young lady treats her own mother, now imagine how she will treat other peoples mothers in a care home? If you can’t even respect someone you love; you won’t respect someone else’s loved one.
My poor father has been abused across two care homes with two huge safeguarding enquires happening because of carers that have causes significant harm because they do not care about their jobs or the people they care for. To them it’s “just a job”. Anyone can do it because of the desperate need for carers. Just because your DBS is clean, does not mean you would make a good carer. It requires a significant amount of compassion and empathy and kindness to care for someone else especially those with dementia or behavioural problems or who are immobile. Most 18 year olds do not want to wipe the backside of an elderly person and then they’re left in their own feaces! The care industry is already on its arse… let’s not push people towards that vocation as a last resort job and try to keep it for those who actually care about helping people. Not those who clearly have no interest or respect for how they treat others, that does not bode well for the most vulnerable of our society.

OK. It’s a notoriously difficult transition period.

What I did when faced with similar challenges was to put it to DD that she should communicate with me with the same level of respect and kindness as she would show her uni housemates. That she was an adult now, used to living independently and so I understood she had changed and we should try to communicate about domestic issues as housemates. However, I was still her mum and she knew that she was loved.

I can’t say that approach resulted in perfect behaviour from both of us, but it definitely helped. Good luck.