Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Tell her to get a job ,any job. Let her know that you are done going without essentials in the house for her.You need a new hoover so you will be cutting back on what you give her. I would suggest that if she feels hard done by that she might like to return to University now rather than wait until the 2nd October. If she starts with the silent treatment,so much the better.

Drastically reducing the money you give her will concentrate her mind beautifully. She needs to understand the consequences of rude and ungrateful behaviour, and no I wouldn't feel bad about doing that at all.

The way your child speaks to you is as a result of how she was spoken to or how she heard people speaking to each other as a child. You can’t demand respect from a child when she hasn’t been shown respect or heard how to show respect to others growing up. She’s right to be upset by your passive aggressive tone because you’re secretly resentful that you’re giving her money and don’t have anything left for yourself for essential repairs such as a hoover. You need open loving, compassionate communication to repair your relationship at its core to rebuild the respect. Everyone in the comments are telling you to punish her for her behaviour but punishment doesn’t work. It just drives you both further apart from each other. Accept her feelings and explain your feelings but sparingly because it takes time for her to understand this new approach. read the book “how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” it will help.
and you shouldn’t be spending money to go on holiday when you don’t have money for it. Financial plannings like these is what leads to stress and anxiety and worries because you’re driving yourself further in to debt and blaming your poor kids when they do something completely kidish but it ruins the holiday and you blame them because you’ve got so much expectations from the holiday for everyone to have fun because you’ve gotten yourself in debt to provide it for them but they don’t even know what’s happening. It’s unfair on you and them. Just say we can’t afford it this year but maybe next year. Or maybe go somewhere closer and cheaper

If the daughter is getting the minimum maintenance loan, it means that her parents are earning above average salaries (though obviously they may have large outgoings eg mortgage if in an expensive area). Topping this up to the maximum non-London maintenance loan will cost them about £110 a week, which could be a really big chunk of their normal budget. The maximum maintenance loan for a student studying outside London is £10,830. Depending on where the university is, this could be perfectly livable or really tight. We don't know. Some student accommodation, even in less expensive cities, can cost over £200 a week which would eat up the student loan and leave almost nothing left for food. So it's possible the OP and husband are paying more than £110 per week.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect people on above average salaries to contribute to their child's living costs.

Everyone saying don't pay in the holidays seems to have forgotten that the DD's student rent payments continue year round when they move out of halls after the first year so she will have to pay rent even when at home for the holidays.

But, she is being fed for free in the holidays. And honestly, the whole set up with you and your husband both separately sending money every month sounds poorly thought out.

I think, @Missparentmisery , you need to sit down and work out what you can actually afford without shortchanging the rest of your family and send it as a single weekly or monthly payment with a strong warning that if she runs out there will not be any more. You need to tell her how the payments are impacting the rest of you. And you need to tell her to try her best to get a job because she needs to contribute at least some of her living costs.

It would help if we knew what city the DD is studying in. Exeter isn't going to be the same as Sheffield or whatever!

The posters saying kick her out are nuts. What would that achieve? A sensible grown up discussion about finances and respect is the way forward.

It's around £5k.

Why don't you need a job if you're at Oxbridge? Just curious.

I’d tell her cash is going down next month as she rightly pointed out you need a new Hoover.

Mumsnet is so out of touch when it comes to jobs it is unbelievable

I don't think those universities allow students to work in holidays or at least very firmly discourage it.

Tell her to get a job and start pulling her weight around the house, or sling her hook!

Horace is right.

I recall my mother’s ”death stare” and calm demeanor and eerily calm voice when we were arguing about some stupid stuff when I was 18 or 19.
She looked at me with a look that said ”I could kill you if I wanted,” and calmly said, “You would do well to remember that my life makes your life possible.”
She scared me to death hahaha.
I miss that old battle axe of my heart. ❤️

Spoilt brat.
My boys worked and paid their own way through uni.
They also paid for their own driving lessons, bought their cars and first houses.
They worked hard from age 16 to get where they wanted because we not afford to bank roll them..

Now 30 and 31 and in high paid jobs.
The bank of mum and dad needs to close sharply on this young lady.

Time to stop being a pushover. Tell her that whilst she is under your roof with you paying the bills, she can treat you with respect or she can leave. “Watch your tone Missy”? Nope, she needs to watch her own tone. She said she will speak to you how she wants? Who does she think she is?! And why are you allowing it? Time for some tough love!

If she’s home from university then why isn’t she making dinner? She’s an adult. You’re working. In my home everyone else cooks one day a week. Life changing.

She really isn't a lovely girl and you know it

Hospitality businesses are crying out for staff, especially at this time of year. It would be really quite surprising if a student couldn't find any job at all.

My two both know that if they spoke/ speak to us like that they would have been/ would be funding their own way through uni. I am not joking.

Sit her down and tell her to mind her mouth or the money stops now.

Has she gone to an elite university and, if you don’t mind me asking, is she the first to go to uni in your family? I saw a fascinating interview with the head of the 93 per cent club talking about her own treatment of her mother at this age and it was a heartbreaking but very revealing conversation. Might be worth a watch?

She’s 20 not 18!

agree with all this - and it’s practical advice for actually making a change in the relationship, and it’s things it’s the OPs power to change, rather expecting the daughter to intuit all the financial difficulties etc putting the pressure on her parents and just change her behaviour within the same situation as before.

I'd suggest she gets a job and also stays in her accommodation over the summer assuming you're paying rent over the summer anyway as is the case with most student houses.

You probably do need a job, in the sense that that's a good thing for everyone, but I believe Oxbridge discourages their students from working because the workload of the course is higher than at other universities. In addition, the rental costs and living expenses are lower because many students will live in college for all three years and even the minimum loan will mostly cover this.

Apologies, I thought I read 18. 20 is even worse then!

If she was like this before - did you imagine it was suddenly going to improve? And I always had summer jobs, so I can't understand why you let her off the hook.
Of course, you want her to finish college, but it sounds like the very least you should do is stop the extra money.

I can understand why you have to keep funding her university costs. But why are you funding her holidays when you can’t afford it?