Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Stop all the money.

List all the things she needs to cover by herself - all entertainment, make up/skincare, all non essential clothing.

You need to go the barest of bare bones.

"I can't find a job" is not good enough.

Mine have "worked" since the age of 14. They baby sit, walk dogs, clean gardens and so on. They hustled, put up flyers etc.

The point is responsibility, respect for money, how hard it can be to make it, and perhaps more important, how hard it can be to keep it.

But much more comes from working - self respect being the main one.

Anyone who treats the people who pay their way, the way your daughter treats you, has no self respect. None.

That will not play well for her in the future.

Time to be "cruel to be kind" op. Stop the rot.

One other thing op - when she is back in the summer she needs to take over some of the tasks in the house.

She cannot come to you and ask what is for dinner ffs.

She should be preparing dinner at least twice a week. The other girls should also be preparing food.

Continue the allowance when she is in uni. Not when lounging around in the summer and complaining to boot.

You can draw a line op. It is perfectly fair.

Sympathies op. I have a similar sounding 20
year old DD, except mine works and earns about 26k a year. She lives here rent free and contributes nothing practically around the house. She talks to us as if we are absolute shite to be honest. We’ve had many conversations about this over the last two years -it started in her last year of sixth form and has got worse.
We also had a HUGE row on Friday. She had a friend coming to stay and our (her) cat is missing. I asked her nicely to have a tidy up, and get some fliers printed re the cat and check next doors garden. Got home from a long and very hot day at work to find she had done none of those things. I sounded irritated when I asked her why not (because I was) and got similarly told off for my ‘tone’. I lost it with her tbh, and gave her a few home truths about her lack of contribution and the way she treats us. I’ve rarely been that angry tbh, which I think shocked her, but wasn’t of course ideal. However I’m not being told off for being rightly irritated by someone who doesn’t ever pitch in and who treats us all so poorly.
I can’t imagine ever talking to my parents that way and I’ve no idea where her sense of entitlement comes from. It’s bizarre.

We told her a week ago that come October we would be charging her £200 a month for food and board. She went mad, burst into tears and said we were being unfair and that she would move to her Dads and commute (an hour and a half each way). To which I said, ‘well that would make me sad, but you must do as you see fit’ and it’s been left there for now. I love her but I don’t like living with her at all -we are on eggshells all the time and at 46 I’m a bit over living like
that really.

only read OP's posts.

As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

You are suffering and have nothing left? I think you need to treat all your children fairly. Most students work to boost their income.

Bit too late to get a summer job now tbh, our place hired weeks ago. And I never gave my son a penny for uni, he managed perfectly fine on the grant and maintenance loan. Stop subsidising someone so ungrateful. She made her bed etc...

'lovely' adult women don't lay about not working while sponging off parents who are themselves not wealthy. There is ZERO reason why she can't be working. Students can work.

That's not true at all

Oh sure, they’re are out of order - I’m not saying it’s fine. It’s just about what’s a proportionate response - I wouldn’t make a child homeless for calling me missy, for example, which some people have suggested.

I agree it would be helpful for the daughter to get a job, but because I think it will help her build a career in the long term rather than I think she needs a financial punishment.

Having no job/work experience at 20 is a big red flag for recruiters. If you are subsidising her so she doesn’t have to work, you are not helping her at all.

She’s come from uni with a cocky student attitude. I remember having one myself! If she has a job she’ll learn respect soon enough.

I had a colleague whose husband had never worked because he was 'too intelligent'. He had a first from Oxbridge but dropped out of his PhD at a Scottish Russell Group uni - blamed the uni, apparently.

The former colleague is now 70. She worked to support the family; the husband never worked a day in his life and is now being cared for by her.

You did right to leave, IMO.

Sadly something happens to them at uni and they turn into twits😂. Very sorry to hear , when she is older and with kids she may realise. Took me until I was 45 to realise what my mother had done for us. Maintain your position you are the parent.

op you know the answer yourself that’s why you mentioned the holiday and the uni money . Tell her she cannot go on holiday and stop giving her money . By all means pay her basics as accommodation but nothing more . You spoiled her and she takes you for granted . Nil excuses for her behaviour and she will only learn from her she knows the value of your sacrifices

She sounds like an ungrateful little mare, and some tough love wouldn't go amiss. Stop giving her your hard earned money, there's jobs out there, let her get one! Stop pandering to her rude ways!

This ! I worked since I was 14 , in fact I worked the whole of my uni degree . No excuse for those girl to be this lazy and entitled

You wouldn’t blame someone for making their child homeless for calling them ‘missy’ in a sarcastic voice and not getting a summer job?

Oh good grief. It’s one thing if this was supposed to be funny and completely another if this unpleasant young woman was serious.
this rude child needs to pay her way so the job hunt starts now.

She sounds very entitled.
of you’re always giving in to her that’s what she’ll expect. And her speaking to
you so disrespectfully is awful.
you need some strong boundaries.

It’s almost a rite of passage 18 year olds coming back from uni thinking they know everything and turning into complete arseholes. Most grow out of it by the end of uni, especially when they have to get a job and realise the cost of living!

“DD, I need you to pack it in for this holiday or you will need to fund your own trips in future, this is a big financial commitment for us. Dad and I will continue to support you through your studies but we are not obliged to pay for your holidays any more. The other kids are looking forward to this trip so can you be a grown up please and wind it in a bit so we can all enjoy it. I’ll be respectful to you if you can do the same to me and Dad.”

On hols try and plan some quiet time into the day where she can bugger off for a walk / sunbathe and you can have some time with younger kids or alone with your book and a large glass of something!!

Next summer she gets a job, you tell her you can’t afford to sub her social life.

Hi i wont bore you with the horrifics of my story but least to say my 36yr old has gone NC. It pretty much started like this. It was v hard as a single parent and the judgement, cruel criticisms and sneering comments made me anxious and ill. You and her dad need to set strict boundaries now, sit her down and together tell her the respect you expect. Stick together on it. I really hope she grows up and stops this

She hasn’t bothered with a job for two plus years and is bitching about your house. Absolute madam! What is she doing with her time at uni as she can’t be studying/in lectures all week long?

I disagree that you should be able to speak in whatever tone you choose in your own home. Just because you own the house doesn’t mean you get to treat other people badly.

Whilst I have sympathy with op, I don’t agree with the attitude that op can speak
in whatever tone she likes in her own home. Not if you’re speaking to someone else, surely.

Yes. This. Exactly.

Haven't read the full thread. But there is no way I'd have this! Why are you both giving her money? I'd have agreed a set amount in the beginning, on the proviso that it would only be for a year, after which time, she'd have to look for a job and fund herself.
I'd have this holiday, then cut off the parental funding, she's 18, she should be working when she's not at uni. She's not learning anything being subsidised by her parents!
It sounds like she is just waiting for handouts, with no real intention of looking for work. Well if she isn't being funded by you, she'll have to make an effort.
You shouldn't be skinting yourselves because of this.

Elderly people in care homes shouldn't really be in the hands of untrained & likely unwilling people.

Otoh, I know the care situation is desperate...