Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Stop giving her money all the time. May learn a lesson

Sympathise with your plight, I get similar, from my “adult” DC’s the answer seems simple , many kids in this situation are by nature entitled. I think I may have been similar at their age. Nothing improved until I/ they got part time jobs, understood the world of work, how to deal with people, the value of money and managed their own budget etc. etc. rather than getting handouts.Now my daughter works while at uni and in the holidays, she can fund herself ( she only gets the bare minimum loan) and is not bored plus gets a lot of useful experience, meets different people less well off than her so gets a life reality check too. As well as that she is feeling more positive and has more self respect as doesn’t have to ask us for money .Sounds like this would be a good idea and give you a more harmonious home life.

Sympathies OP, it's very disruptive to family life to have a stroppy DC20 return home once you have adjusted to life without them.
You are well within your rights to be any which way you like in your own home; yes she can call you out, but completely unreasonable to shout and be rude.

Seems wholly reasonable to me for you to reduce her allowance while she's at home with you - there's no rent, bills or food to pay for after all. But obviously as you say you will need to reinstate it once she returns to Uni. If you haven't done already though, I would work out a reasonable but not overly generous budget for her and then that's it. If she needs more she will have to find a P/T job; and if her friends have more spare cash than her then, well, such is life.

I just wouldn’t put up with that behaviour ..If she was like this before she went to university then she just sounds like a nasty piece of work and needs to be taught some manners. I would just pack up her stuff and tell her to leave she is an adult not a child. As I wouldn’t trust her not to abuse your home inviting who knows and having parties and totally wreck your home. As she just don’t respect you .Not fair to the other children.Stop giving her money to start with .
Maybe just going
through the motion of telling her to leave with some bags packed she may think about her attitude and back down. I’m sure that you really won’t throw her out although if you did I wouldn’t blame you.

I think respectful is not the right word though of course it is, and why.

But can you spare a moment to see this from my point of view? You see (and then explain).

@Missparentmisery
Your charming daughter needs to face up to the fact that it's time she got her own
If she's that disrespectful argumentative and critical because she's now suddenly the "Big I Am" as she's gone up in the world via being at university
Then she can surely sort herself out with a job can't she?
Also explain to her the money she gotten in the past wasn't courtesy of the "Money Fairy"
who plucks it from her favourite tree at midnight.....
But her family subsidising her and themselves going without on her behalf

You're not bored love You're fed up! always being the one to have all the answers is flaming irritating. Why can't they just sort things out for themselves for a change. After a days work you deserve a break. If one of my kids said that to me I'd be shocked and very likely to lamp them one. Typed without my glasses so any mistakes please allow for x

Talk to your children how you expect them to talk to you. If you give them attitude, they will give you attitude. Being in your own house or gifting them money, doesn’t mean you have a free pass to be a b*tch to your own children.

There is an argument that she should know better at her age but ultimately you’ve been an adult longer and you need to regulate your emotions better and SHOW her how adults talk to each other.

You can also show her how money works. As she’s mocked the broken vacuum perhaps you can say “you’re right we’ll get a new one, it will mean you get £200 less this month/term because can’t afford both.” Not in a mean way, just in a matter of fact way.

She sounds awful.

I didn't get money from my parents when I was at uni. I was an adult and I got a job. Stop giving her money and tell her to get a job to make her own. I think in the kindest way, you have enabled this entitled behaviour because she hasn't had to work for anything she gets from you.

Sorry but this won't change. I've had a daughter just like this- entitled , selfish & basically down right rude with no empathy. Luckily you have found out in time. Put your foot down firmly or she will ruin your life. Unfortunately we can't choose our childrens personalities.

PS. My daughter is 36 & we are now estranged. Had my eyes opened a couple of years ago & although it's very sad I feel strangely liberated.

You can’t pay someone to respect you. The more you pay, the less they need to even try.

My daughter is 20 and is just about to start her 5th part time job,my other daughter is 18 and has been working for over a year.There is no way I could afford to fund them,they pay for their own holidays,clothes,nights out etc.
You need to put yourself and your other children first,she’s an adult and needs to start acting like one.She’ll soon realise that she can’t speak to people like that and will appreciate all you’ve done for her.It will take willpower though but don’t give in.You’re not doing your daughter any favours by paying for everything,what experience can she put on her CV? What skills is she learning by sitting back and being rude to people?
I wouldn’t even have a conversation about it as it will end up in an argument,if she asks for money for socialising,clothes,makeup etc just say you don’t have it….Good luck 💪

I'm intrigued re why she has never worked. Is she shy / neuro-diverse? Does she lack social skills? Her remark to you shows a lack tbh. Both my daughters are asd and the younger one used to act all sassy and inappropriate basically because she didn't quite understand how to interact with other people and she would copy stuff she had seen on tv (your daughter's remark reminds me of her Hannah Montana phase, complete with eye rolling).

Autistic girls often don't understand hierarchies of people and will talk to adults like they are their friends.

Anyway, that was just one thought. If you are supporting / living with a young woman with poor social skills, who is possibly overwhelmed by everything and needs much more scaffolding than average, well, you have my sympathy.

When you are calm, explain to her that it is deeply inappropriate that she remarks about the state of your house when your house is only that way because you can’t afford to make changes because of the financial support you give her for university.

Ask her seriously if she would prefer to get work and forego a portion of your support to enable you to save to make changes to the house?

See what she says.

Then tell her next time she speaks to you rudely you will reconsider the level of finance you offer. You are spending money you can ill afford on her and you do not expect these types of comments and general grief in return.

Buy a new hoover and announce as she is so ashamed of your living standards you decided you need to cut back on her payments amd improve them.
Advise her she will be getting X amount less and can either manage or keep looking for work. McDonalds or pubs and bars still need staff.

I think she needs to prioritise finding a job or it could damage her prospects as a grad. Or getting some volunteering under her belt. Employers aren't keen on grads with zero else other than a degree, even from a top uni. There's plenty who have a degree plus a proven work ethic and experience in the real world of adult work.
Might help her to grow up a bit as well. No wonder she isn't appreciating your money when she's no concept of what needs to be done to earn it herself.

So she hasn’t tried to get a job in 2 years? I wonder why? Does she realise that you don’t always get the first job you apply for and that you need to keep applying….

Do enlighten us Op, what is this little princess going to be doing this time next year? Did you mention a masters? After all she is oh so clever and superior. That would be a big NO from me.

What are her career plans? I know someone at Uni who thinks they are going to become an advisor to the prime minister when she leaves. No-one has put her right, not parents, tutors, no-one.

Does she want to walk into a managerial position on 50k a year? telling everyone else what to do? What is the trajectory for this career path? Can you walk into this sort of job with a totally blank CV but experience of slagging your mother off?

Jeez, even my 16yr old has just got themselves a job as I told them we couldn't afford to bankroll their Summer holidays.

I wouldn't have known what to do with my summer holidays if I wasn't working. Seriously - is she just loafing around like she's still 15 years old?!

Certainly sounds like it!!!

She is the right age to learn to stand on her own 2 feet. You have subsidised enough and done enough. She is not grateful for it and the reason is because she doesnt realise how lucky she is. So remove the privilages just as you would an acting out child. Stop the subsidy to her financilaly as you need the money to save up for a new kitchen as she has pointed out. She can get a job. Yes its hard but thats a life lesson. Uni has services to support with financial hardship and upskilling and ensuring your CV stands out. Yes the job she gets may also be hard work - thats life. At 20 she should be approaching the end of her course so work experience is quite important. Id let that be known before you even go on holiday. She need not come if she doesnt want to. Respectful dialogue only all ways.

Interesting
ive put the final nail in my marriage’s coffin because of this fear

my 3 sons have always worked, through 6th form and uni. DS2 is not very confident or fond of people, but I see it as character building and a huge part of parenting to ensure young adults have life skills

has become more and more apparent that my stepson will never work, or lift a finger at home. Incredibly bright, Oxford 1st, but rejected at 2 Masters applications because they want more than that.
nearly 23, never worked a single day, too special to pop down the shop, floats around ‘enjoying learning’

fuck that, I’ve left, not a future i can respect, and I’m not enabling it in my home

Dad stopped giving me money around the age of 23 and that was that. It was not easy but I always had jobs, even in uni. All the way to the UK, still applying and getting jobs. If I can do it at my age abroad, she can do it in her own country

Why on earth are you going without to fund this rude, entitled, selfish grown adult?Cut her off, she can get a part time job and a loan like many others. You're mad to let her keep taking the piss out of you!