Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Maybe it's that they can't work during term time. I forget.

Agree with Dbsf
She’s a spoilt brat. She’s an adult- treat her like a child. Meals in front of her, help with preparation and washing up, tidy bedroom, do her own washing and ironing, gardening etc. BUT NO POCKET MONEY.
Doesnt like it? then she knows what she can do including going to stay with friends, getting a job or volunteering.
She sounds horrible.

Sorry, she needs a job!

They have very short terms. About 8 weeks. They have a very long summer. Most unis have end of May to end of September. There's no rules against working in those 3 months, which is what the oxbridge student i know did. It was good work experience and very good money. She walked into a job with that firm when she left uni - an investment bank.
I think we can safely predict that OPs daughter won't be getting a well paid job at an investment bank.

Kemi Badenoch famously worked for McDonald's. I think that would be beneath OPs daughter.

She sounds like a right little cow. But OP didn't you know that you are supposed to be like Mary Poppins all the time. It's the law on Mumsnet . You must never be tired, angry or worn down because whatever your troubles are, the spoilt 18 year old has definitely got it far worse and must be handled with kid gloves. One look of irritation could scar the poor soul for life.

Agree that she needs a job.

She's 20, you both need to stop funding her and she'll soon see why you have a kitchen worse than a students house the cheeky moo

That sounds incredibly draining. Disagreeing is one thing, but being spoken to disrespectfully and having personal things used against you isn't okay.
I'd be inclined to set some clear boundaries. If she's old enough to expect financial support, she's old enough to treat you with basic respect. It may also be worth having a calm conversation when things have settled, rather than in the middle of an argument.
For the sake of your other children, I'd still go on holiday and try not to let this row spoil it. Hopefully a change of scenery will help everyone cool off a little.

No way in hell would I be giving her money when she is a grown adult if she spoke to me like that. I would be reading her the riot act. I would also say if she kept talking to me like that she could find somewhere else to stay.
I would be saying "well the reason we can't afford x y and z is because we are still paying for you and financially supporting YOU. Even though you are 20. So from now on , you'll be earning your own money and you'll have to find a job as legally you are an adult but aren't acting like one. If you wish to continue staying here I would suggest being more respectful to us all and the fact we are making ourselves broke to fund your degree and housing you and feeding you . You shouldn't need me to explain to you what 'being respectful' means...you are a clever girl studying for a degree and you should realise that you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you. If you want anything in life going forward , you need to learn that life won't just hand you things. So aside from very basic money we won't be funding you anymore, since you've shown you think that the world owes you a favour I suggest you go out and get a job to fund some of your studies. You are 20. Not 5. And if I hear any more back chat or snarky comments you won't get anything ."

Curious as to how she afforded the holiday with friends?

My parents weren't nasty and were SO loving and chill but no way in hell would they have let me speak to them like this. I went to uni. I got a job anyway . I had several!
For the love of god , OP and I mean this in the nicest way possible without trying to belittle you , put your foot down with her. She is legally an adult and isn't stupid. She knows what respect is and means. You (assuming this /good intent as you know you are a stranger to me) probably taught her it. If she walks into a job and says it....what good will that do her?

She sounds horrific, I'd withdrawal all funding from her, tell her to get a part time job and if she doesn't improve her behaviour say she's not welcome in the house anymore. She sounds immature and entitled, perhaps if she's less spoiled she'll get it? Why doesn't your husband intervene? I'd kick my kid out of my house if they behaved like that.

if she is classed as an adult then she can fund her own house & uni course. When living in OP home at her expense then she lives by the house rules. Give her a warning if the house is not prefect & her attitude on return from holiday all monies stops she will have to find somewhere else to live. You have stop being treated like a doormat, not doing her any favours.

I really do empathise. It can be so hard living with young adult children at home. My youngest (20) is home from uni for the summer and when she's not here I really miss her but when she is here...OMG, she can be hard work. I'm initially quite patient but after a while I'm not so patient! She reigns it in for a bit and then we start again.
The only advice I can give is what I do when I've had enough...I tell her that I'm going to walk away and when she can talk to me politely then I'll listen. It works... Most of the time 🫤

@Missparentmisery your daughter doesn’t know how lucky she is. It’s very unusual for a student at university to not have work to help support themselves. I don’t know what degree she is doing but unless it’s something like nursing where she is at university in placement for 45 weeks of the year then she most likely has time to work a few bar shifts or waitress or work in a supermarket. Maybe if she did she’d start to understand the value of money, l’m not surprised you are fed up. Sacrificing your little extras such as a new hoover or having a hair cut etc when she is disrespectful to you in your own home is grim. Being the person who is constantly nose to the grindstone as it sounds like you work full time, come home and then do the majority of the housework and then have someone speaking to you like that in your home would make anyone feel mopey and unmotivated. Give her a reality check - make her take a job so she faces real life before she learns the hard way at the end of university. Self reliance is an important skill for her to have. My teenage son was the same until I sat him down and explained what life cost and all the things I did in one day to make his life easier. Suddenly he was better at doing more chores and helping out more.

Sorry, but this is exactly what an entitled spoilt brat looks like. She gets money easily. She is at uni (does she work hard at uni or slack for the benefits that uni brings?). Im wondering if you are struggling with affording her uni expenses, why hasnt she got a student loan? She can then manage that money. If she runs out then she has to learn and appreciate it doesnt grow on trees. I feel bad for your other daughters going without for her to go to uni. Until she has reached the end and passed, she hasnt achieved anything worthy of this treatment. How will she cope in a career with that attitude? There are a lot of young women(and older women) with an awful attitude nowadays. Is she just learning from what's around her?

I feel really sorry for you. I have been in a similar situation. All the advice that people have given you on here is excellent. I know it's hard honestly - but just lay down the rules - and say that's how it's going to be - because you and your husband are struggling financially - she needs to understand. Just stick to your guns and honestly - she WILL HAVE TO CHANGE!! And she will realise she was wrong and back down. She damn well has to. Good luck. It's very hard trying to be good parents. You, your husband and your other daughters matter too!!! NOT JUST HER.

Why isn't she out looking for a job?
Every child i know either starting university, or already in university, has a part time job.
She sounds extremely rude and entitled.
I think you are mad to be giving her money.

There is absolutely no way any of my children would be speaking to me like that or speaking about our home in such terms.
I would be telling her she can go and stay elsewhere.
I love my children to bits, but no way does that include being treated poorly.
She needs a dose of reality and that includes up early and out there finding a job.

.

No she sounds like a nasty piece of work. Why are people on here so desperate to defend rude entitled late teens/early 20s at any cost?

No more funding for this little missy.

Dear OP, I'm so sorry for your pain, and for the holiday to come. I'm sorry you didn't leave her out of your holiday plans. She doesn't deserve it at all. Who told her that she gave birth to you and could speak to you like that ? McDonalds always need staff, she can get a job until October and there are also plenty of festivals who need young people over the summer. BTW, she thinks she's an adult, she is not. I think the official age of adulthood is 21. But you say nothing's changed, so did you inadvertently create the monster ? As long as she's not going through some emotional trauma, you might need a calm chat with her whilst away. The umbilical cord needs to shorten significantly. Good luck mum

All though saying she’s an adult and shouldn’t get a penny it’s not realistic due to the English student loan scheme.
She’s an adult but because her parents earn over £65,000 between them she can only borrow £5000 which won’t cover rent in most places.
If the daughter had a single mum
on £20,000 a year she’d get nearly £11,000 and could manage fine. It’s not a level playing field.
I agree she should be working but if Op stops paying her required parental top up in reality the girl can’t study in September, she may only have a year to go so all money Op has shelled out is wasted. OP’s probably the guarantor on her student house so will be chased for rent if dd doesn’t pay.
I’d go for middle ground. I don’t appreciate being spoken to like that. Me and dad are working hard. You need to work. I’ll top up in term time but I’m not funding a lazy summer for you.

I have zero sympathy with the money situation your daughter is in. I had to take a student loan and I worked all the way through uni. My mum would buy me some basic foods like bread, pasta etc but I had to make my own way and it did me good. She needs to get off her backside and get a job and pay her own way. No way would my parents have tolerated that behavior and you would be a fool to.

Your DD is out of order with her attitude toward you
I agree with another PP, she needs to hear some home truths. One being money is tight and she needs to get a job. It makes no difference if she has worked before or not. Students can get job
She needs to pull her weight then she can have a say. Until she earns her own money she should be thankful you're helping her and not act like a spoiled child and criticise your kitchen etc.

Plenty of students work alongside study. I did when I was at college. It made me appreciate money more and how hard it can be to earn it and not take things or people for granted.