Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

I’ve never ever come across that @JockTamsonsBairns . Even for permanent workers.

This!

She is not a child and should be supporting herself through uni and when she's on her breaks from it. Please have some respect for yourself and don't allow her to speak to you in this way. Don't subsidise her with your money. She's taking the piss and it will get worse the longer you allow her to treat you this way.

I'd be saying she can find somewhere else to stay until she can speak to you with the respect you deserve. She sounds like a spoiled brat.

I would not pay her an allowance during the summer - she has food and a roof over her head - she can work for any extras. I would also expect her to do her fair share at home - doing dinner etc - it will give her some purpose…

Great relationships do take patience and work, but expecting your parents to give you pocket money in University holidays whilst going without themselves and then being so incredibly ungrateful doesn't represent 'work'. Calling your mother 'Missy' and telling her to 'watch her tone' are completely out of order.

Oh gosh, she is being a bit rude with how she has spoken to you. If she is home all day, she can make the dinner. If she has a uni house and is paying rent and bills perhaps she can stay there and get a job. The money situation is rough. We have the same with our son. He has had to move home for his second year and commute as it was so hard to get money to go every which way

very very unusual that she wouldn’t get a job during summer months. I assumed all students would do this.
My parents income meant I couldn’t get the full loan (20 years or so ago!) and I was given a monthly allowance. They were fortunate to still live comfortably despite this.
However I worked every summer from camp America, to nappy packing, waitressing, scanning documents at a paint company and answering the phones and doing general admin at an engineering company.
This paid for the year ahead and any holidays or travel I wanted to do. My parents would often subsidise in addition but from that I had a really strong work ethic and appreciation for what my parents did for me.
it sounds like she doesn’t have that and I just cannot imagine mocking my mother for an old broken hoover when that was at the expense Of my lifestyle

She's home all summer with no job? She needs to get one. Stop taking her on holiday.

If she whines another sound you don't like, tell her that she has exhausted, overwhelmed and abused the entire family. Record every incident,with dates and bullet points. Do not explode, she's provoking you and will clutch at any straw she can possibly make up. Make a list of rules in your house and if she does not follow them entirely cut all funding for the uni. She's on her own. She'll come to her sences very quickly but if she doesn't,it's good she's out of your hair. You have 2 more lovely girls, yourself and hubby to concentrate on. GO TO YOUR HOLIDAY, don't let her abuse take away the little you've got.

Do you think you might have to accept some responsibility in this at all or do you truly believe you're completely innocent? Because you're not. She's matched you're tone and energy and you don't like it which should tell you something about what it's like to be on the receiving end of your tone.

Also McDonald's.

My son works in housekeeping at à hotel here, at uni he works bar at à local rugby club and still comes home at weekends for hotel shifts to keep his job going. He’s nd and a mature student so gets the full loans so can just about afford rent with me as guarantor. He has a bus pass that I pay for here and access to my uber account for train fares but I can’t afford to give him much cash apart from the odd tenner here and there when he’s down to his last pack of noodles.
There are jobs, just not very glamorous ones. He also covers reception at nights which he did in the years between college and uni, and also works the bars at the local football stadium when they need him. Basically any shift that he can get, as long as he doesn’t have exams or assignments due.
He still has time to go out, see his gf, but he is a real worker.

If he talked to me like your daughter, he wouldn’t be coming back here! Cheeky cow.

Basically, you’ve spoiled her and are now dealing with the consequences. My daughter got a job at uni as did her friends. No need to supplement a grown woman

No you dont the job and the money are so shit they basically train you on the job. I know I have done it.

I feel for you, we've had the same this past couple of weeks - DD got on her high horse bombarding me with 'our house is a tip etc' talking to me like 💩 and I lost it. She turned it all round on me & asked for apologies so I laughed at her - I asked her where she'd tied her horse up. I go into ridicule mode after being angry which isn't very fair but I've learned that's the only way to deal with her when she attacks me, her taking the high ground means she needs bringing back down to earth.

We've done the same - she's lived rent free at home whilst at Uni (her choice), she has a part time job, we've gone without to keep her ticking over but she doesn't realise the strain we've been under supporting her emotionally.

She needs to listen to you and listen hard. I think she needs to consider her options and not be welcomed back home until she reflects, matures and changes her attitude.

She really isn't a 'lovely girl'.

She needs it making clear to her, that she needs to change her attitude or find somewhere else to live. She shouldn't be treating you this way, and needs knocking down a peg or two.
Your dd needs to be out, looking for a job, she needs an incentive to do that, but if you keep giving her money, for holidays etc, why would she even bother.
I would not stand for any of my children to speak so badly to me, they'd be out on their ear & they know that...Sounds to me you could have spoiled her, and this is just the way she is. Have a talk with her, asking if anything is going on to account for her nasty behaviour, if there isn't , its your way, or the highway. She is totally disrupting the whole house with her tantrums. It isn't fair to them. Good luck

Go on holiday, enjoy yourself and avoid her. When you get back, she gets no more money unless she earns it herself. Who does she think she is? What a nasty rude bitch!

She's a bully and you're a doormat
Stop enabling her

Stop giving her money. If you do it through the bank, stop the arrangement.

Then, buy a new hoover tomorrow. Show it to her. Ask her if she approves.

Next, tell her that you have only been able to afford it as you have taken her hand out of your pocket.

Laugh and turn your back. If she addresses you as Missy or raises her voice, politely hold the door open for her and tell her to put her arse through it.

Ignore the hand wringers-treating her like the Second Coming has what has enabled her. Time for a re-set.

What a cow!!!!!!!!!!!! @Missparentmisery
Dont send any money when she goes back! Tell her you are having a facial instead to stop the grimacing

Playful....bloody rude!!! I would not and did not put up with crap like that. The way she speaks to you is unacceptable. As an unpaying adult in your jome she needs to show some respect. My AC had a pt job before they went to uni, while they were at uni, and found one when home on hols from uni. Once in ft employment paid housekeeping while at home until moved out. Second AC didn't go to uni but got a pt job while at college then ft when left and also paid housekeeping. Both got financial help when they moved out with purchases for furniture etc. Second child then started with the same crap your Dd is giving you and when told it was unacceptable decided I was "toxic" and went NC. Came back after a couple years when they realised life was harder than theu thought!! Because I still upheld the speak to me with respect ( a bit of moodiness accepted depending on situation) but once they started on the expecting me to "behave how a parent should" (in their world) it finished. We are NC again and I have to say as difficult as it was at first my life is less stressful and much calmer. No more walking on eggshells etc. Not sure who they call if they suddenly need a hand with something, or have had an unexpected bill, or need a lift somewhere, but I no longer care. You should not put up with this behaviour especially as you havr younger children who see/hear the arguments and may think that speaking that way gets you what you want!! Good luck, think you need to tell her your rules or find somewhere else to stay. Oh and get a job and help towards household expenses.

Norhing much to add other than I feel your pain, they can be insufferable when they are so clever and know everything coming back from uni for the holidays. 🙄

Are oxbridge students above doung any work then? I didnt know that.
I know one who did an internship during the summer (paid) and it covered her final year expenses.

I thought they weren't allowed to work. But may have got it wrong!