Would you try for a third child in this situation?

[ThirdChildDilemma]

Name changed for this. Would you try for a third child if you were in my position?

I already have two children aged just under 4 years and 9 months. I have a frozen PGT-A tested embryo that statistically would have about 50% chance to work. Trying naturally is not an option and I wouldn’t do any more ivf rounds so if this embryo wouldn’t work it’s the end of the road and that’s ok.

Pros:

• I want another child
• DH always wanted 3. Recently he’s been saying he’s not sure anymore but I think he would be up for it if I was convinced. He’s a very hands on dad that pulls his weight and more
• The house is big enough. It has 4 bedrooms, the last bedroom is a tiny box room but we’re converting the garage for a playroom which could become a 5th bedroom in the future
• We can afford it. Private school wouldn’t be an option for 3, while it’s potentially an option with 2. However, public schools where we live are very good
• Our jobs are flexible and we work from home. I realise this is not a given and could change in the future

Cons:

• I’m 41. I’ve had two c sections so need to wait before getting pregnant again. Realistically, I would probably be 43 by the time I give birth again
• I’m a bit scared of the chaos that comes with having three. Sometimes I wonder if I’m mentally and physically strong enough to not just cope but be happy with three
• We have no family nearby. The in laws live 2h away and are not very helpful. My parents live abroad and are very hands on when they visit and on holidays but they can’t help on a day to day basis

Deep in my heart I think I know the answer but would be interested to hear other people’s thoughts.

I wouldn't. Just from the point of view of age really.

For me, having a third child was really hard. I've heard other people say the third one 'just slots in' but mine definitely didn't! He was a terrible sleeper - by far the worst of the three - and a very tricky toddler, whereas the other two were well behaved. Now they're all teens and that also has its challenges! I love him to bits but my life would be a lot easier if I'd stopped at two.

Nope.

I wouldn’t, simply because of the age factor. I’m 57. I’m in better shape than most. I was in good shape at 43. Still, nope.

No way

I wouldn’t, no. Enjoy the two you have.

Ah thats hard OP, I can see the temptation to see if it works. But really with your age and the widening age gap in that time I wouldn’t. I think as well, as much as you’d try to take a ‘be as it may’ approach I suspect itll still consume you and distract this precious time with your kids now that you won’t get back. I’d focus on life as a family of 4.

No. You have two lovely children and having a third comes with too many unknowns which could rock the boat badly.

So your kids will be 6 and 3.5 when the potential next bus born. It is doable but do not underestimate the amount of work that comes with three kids. If you were 43 having your first fine, but with two children and at 43 it could be exhausting.
I have 3 aged 13, 10 and 5 and while I absolutely love it, it is exhausting. Eldest plays a lot of sports and is out everyday of the week. Second does similar but not at first’s intensity and third is only swimming at the moment.
Like you, we have no help, kids are in good state schools but it is full on. House is 4 bed with a good 4th bedroom. Holidays are still same but I never based the size of my family on holiday costs tbh.
I had my kids aged 25.5, 29 and at nearly 35.
No harm in trying and in your case it is one last chance and if it doesn’t happen you can move on. I know what it feels like to feel like to be broody for a third. Best of luck.

I would not want to be 57 with a 14 year old. By then, I would want to be over the worst and enjoying the last 9-10 years before retirement.

It is not just the baby toddler stage. It is 3 sets of secondary transition, teens, GCSEs, A levels, driving tests, heart breaks etc, uni fees.

No because your cons list seems more about what you want/need and your pros are ‘on paper’ things. Do you think you’re considering it because the embryo already exists where you might not if you would be trying to conceive naturally? (which would be totally understandable)

Absolutely not.

No. My sister had her third boy at around that age and he’s now 8 and she’s wrecked!

100% yes. I’d give it a try. The embryo is already created and you sound like you want to at least try to see if it works. Good luck ❤️

Honestly, I wouldn’t. But am well aware I am projecting my own experience. Having 3 little ones was a bit chaotic but fun and number 3 brought a lot of joy. But as they’ve got older it’s been so so hard: life is very tough for many teens and young people these days with high rates of anxiety and lots of other things: raising older kids and teens has been more emotionally draining than I ever imagined and knowing what I know now I’d advise anyone else to stick at 2 and focus time, money and emotional resource on them

Im gonna go against the grain and say try it, might not work, but you want another child so why not try. Yes you’ll be older parents but there are lots of older parents these days.

I think given your age I probably wouldn’t, no.

If you don't have the baby till you are 43, you will potentially be 64 before they are finished education. As someone now witnessing friends having to defer retirement because of this, something to bear in mind.

Having a third caesarean comes with its own risks.

On the whole, I'm coming down on the side of no, but the trouble with that is you'll always be wondering 'what if?'. Tricky decision.

Is part of it the emotion around the remaining embryo?

Yes. I’d always be thinking of the baby that could have been. I have 3 and it is hard work- no regrets whatsoever.

Big they already have a 9month old so what difference does it make

I wouldn’t either. I had a massive drive to have three, had a loss due to disability and now ten years on I’m completely delighted I have two. Wouldn’t change a thing.

I think both of you need to be sure that would be the biggest factor for me due to resentment that could build if persuaded into it. I think having a small gap and not waiting long between your youngest two could be beneficial. As you have young children anyway I don’t think age/tiredness is a big factor. Forties and perimenopause symptoms are worth considering though as I think that could make your wellbeing harder.

It would potentially be an extra two years of working to support them. Believe me, that is a long time when you really want to be retired.