Is it normal for a parent to be more proud of one (adult) child?

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I am an only child and I have an only child so I am unsure if this is normal. DH doesn't have a great relationship with his mother, mainly because he has always felt that she massively favours his younger brother. She subs his wages, takes him on holiday, generally sorts out his finances as he has got himself into dire straits in the past. It isn't even just about money - he is clearly the favourite based on the amount of time and help she gives him.

Anyway, DD went out for lunch with her the other week and MIL actually said to DD that she is proud of DD, she is proud of DH but she is extra proud of BIL because he is dyslexic so he faced difficulties in school. I just can't fathom thinking and saying that. But maybe everyone with more than one child feels that way? Maybe it is usual to be more proud of one child than another?

For context, DH is extremely independent, we don't ask MIL for anything. She knows we have very different political and social viewpoints to her so conversation is superficial. I just feel so sorry for DH that he has worked so hard but it will never be hard enough for her.

I don't know if the most problematic is usually the favourite - but likely to receive disproportionately more help and attention. Parents often become enmeshed with adult children who are problematic but I'm not sure it's the same as them being the favourite.

My friend is totally enmeshed with her adult daughter, who is almost certainly autistic (diagnosed ADHD - private diagnosis as a university student - but wouldn't agree to an autism assessment). Her daughter lived at home throughout university and needed her mum to sit with her to force her to write her dissertation, she is reclusive and pretty close to nocturnal. She had her heart set on one specific job on graduation and mistakenly believed it was hers for the asking, and when she applied to only that job and didn't get it she essentially decided not to work. She isn't on benefits, just solely supported by her parents at this point (a year post graduation).

My friend is totally enmeshed with her and has been for years, having given up work to support her at her lowest and essentially carried her through the last few years of school and then university, and now spending time constantly trying to get her to apply for jobs, go out for walks, see old friends she's lost face to face contact with, maybe approach the job centre, look at getting assessed for autism, maybe therapy.

She's also immensely frustrated and proud of her other child who is getting on with an apprenticeship.

She definitely devotes more time and thought to the adult child with problems, but I definitely wouldn't say she's her favourite!

It could look that way though.

There won't be anything he can do. Parents who have a favourite child or children favour them no matter what. They can do no wrong in the parents eyes. Your husband trying to win their favour will be like bashing his head off a brick wall. The parents are at fault not the child. Its extremely liberating when you realise it's not you its them. Let them get on with it. The golden child in our family has ended up being an obnoxious twat. Their life has been one drama after another because they went into the world expecting to have a special, favoured status. They think they're better than everyone else and my parents still uphold that belief. The favourite plays the victim if things don't go their way. I used to be very hurt and jealous as a child as it was so obviously unfair. Now I just think what a knob they are and they constantly cause trouble that my parents have to intervene in. Not being the favourite has been and advantage to me and my other siblings.

Well yes it is. If one child is high achieving and became a leader in their field and did lots of charity work, and another child did fine but nothing extraordinary, then what do you think? But in your DH’s case, perhaps your mil is overcompensating for difficulties that she may either subconsciously relate to or exaggerates. Maybe her other child is just more her type of person. Of course saying this out loud that you are prouder of one child than another is very hurtful.
My grandmother actually told my mother than her first born son (who was killed in WWII as a teenager) was far superior to her second son, my father, who was sitting in the car too! Imagine living with that your whole life.
I have one high achieving child who has a chronic progressive illness. She is very bright. And more than that, very ambitious and determined. I have another who is charming and energetic and as ambitious, but of average intelligence and ability. He could do more but despite outward appearances of confidence isn’t really. I think he gets stuck in the ‘you can’t fail if you don’t try’ and as he has been knocked back a few times has not been able to move forward. I am proud and impressed by one child and frustrated by the other. And it pains me that he sees his younger sibling doing things that he can’t. That she has been successful in areas that are beyond his capabilities.
But I love them both. I am encouraging and supportive of both. I think my DD thinks I let my son get away with more things and this is probably true, perhaps I am overcompensating because theyr father died when they were small and I feel this has greatly affected my son and I feel guilty about that (not that I’m to blame for he’s death, but that I couldn’t be that person for him).
Your MIL is probably oblivious to how your DH feels. She sees one child as having challenges and feels the need to boost them up. She may not recognise that all children need praise.

If one child is high achieving and became a leader in their field and did lots of charity work, and another child did fine but nothing extraordinary, then what do you think?

It is often not the case that it's that rational.

Acadmically and frankly in life generally I've done much better than my siblings - despite the dyslexia - and I'm not the favourite and my acheievements are often down played so not sure they are proud - as are my DC - to keep siblings happy.

Friend of IL have one son who an had mental health issue - sectioned most of life - and drug addition and ignore the child who managed a decent life and given them only GC is completely ignored and dissmissed. DH uncle was favourite - not MIL - MIL done so much more with her life than uncle who got trapped at home - barely mentioned by her parents.

Pride and favourite are different concepts but favouritism can be double egde some favoured kids do better and some much worse than none-favoured siblings.

I've always told my children that fair doesn't mean equal. It sounds like his brother does need more help. The difficulties that come with dyslexia don't necessarily end at school.

A lot of this is familiar to me! I don't give my brother (the obnoxious twat in our scenario) a lot of credit for much but he acknowledges his very clear favourite child status, which many golden children don't, but he also says it's not as easy as it seems and that he always felt under a lot of pressure from being the favourite. He felt that as the 'ignored' one I was free to get away with more because I wasn't under the same scrutiny.

However our situation became interesting when I met my husband, very clearly and obviously the golden child of both his parents and his grandparents. Honestly it destroyed his relationship with his brother and sisters. Seeing the dynamics in my family and the effect it had on me has been very frustrating for him, he's absolutely fuming about the unfairness of it, whereas I no longer care. I'm used to it. On the other hand it has helped him see things more clearly within his own family and given him some empathy for his brother and sisters and what his elevated status meant for them. He has been able to start rebuilding a relationship with them now that he has seen things from the other side.

Yes I am fully expecting this but DH will not. I probably would have stepped in a few years ago but not any more. She has two stepsons that live very close to them and she seems to favour them too (or rather, she moans about them but seems to have this innate desire to keep them happy and not offend them). They take the piss too, having MIL and her DH running around after them. I actually think she isn't that keen on us because we don't need anything from her. We just crack on with our life.

Help, fair enough but to never celebrate one child's achievements or efforts is not the same.

From what I have seen it's very common for the fuck up of the family to be favoured.
Maybe it's because the parents are always on high alert waiting for them to do something stupid , and so anything they do right is praised.
Not easy on the other kids but it is what I have seen

This is very common. Try to ignore it. In her mind, DH had it easy and BIL did not. You sound proud of DH. That's enough. Tell him often. Is he proud of BIL too or a bit resentful? I think this is where the rub comes in. Not all siblings are competitive for parental validation. He might feel better if he dips out of the competition as he sounds too accomplished to win. Is BIL the little one in MILs mind? If so, this is incredibly common. She's just voicing it, which isn't ideal. Equally she might be telling BIL how fantastic DH is. Her lack of tact is unlikely to resolves with age so I would become immune if at all possible. I think my parents might like my DH more. I find it quite funny.

she is proud of DD, she is proud of DH but she is extra proud of BIL because he is dyslexic so he faced difficulties in school.

I don't think that is an unreasonable statement.
I have one child who has been lucky enough to have cruised through school without ever needing to put any effort in. I have another who found exams extremely challenging. I (and the dc who found school and university easy) both acknowledge that the one who had difficulties has worked harder and done incredibly well to achieve their exam results and their degree. I am incredibly proud of the effort they have put in and the work ethic they developed, yes.

Of course, on other days, I will be proud of other things that my other dc achieved.
It isn't a competition, I am proud of all my dc and the adults they have become, but lets not pretend they have all had the same journey.

Some people will get up on stage and sing or dance or act because the just love it. I'd say "Well done, that was great" and move on. Other people are intensely shy, but if they taught themselves to overcome it and took a small part in a performance, then I'd make a big fuss about their achievement, because it would be much more of an achievement than the 'natural performer'.

Same with sports or whatever else you achieve in. I applaud the effort, rather than the level of achievement, and I don't consider that to be favouritism, but encouragement.

I was shocked by this post, to read that you and your DH were disinherited by your parents in favour of siblings believed to be more 'disabled'. How sad. I am sorry.

The thing is DH hasn't had it easy. He is clearly dyslexic too, although admittedly not to the same extent as his brother. The difference is that he has strategies and tools that he uses to help it not affect his life. BIL has leaned into the diagnosis and doesn't do a thing to help himself. I think that's what annoys me. DD has had dreadful experiences with her mental health but MIL doesn't seem to see those struggles, again though DD tries to find ways to cope. So it isn't as if we have all had it easy, we just have found ways to deal with it without plastering labels onto ourselves.

My parents favour my sister, but I get a strong sense it’s because they’re afraid of her

Both my adult kids say the other one is favourite. This normally comes out after they've had a drink.
They are quickly told that neither is a favourite and sometimes I would go as far to say both are a pain the arse and even if I only had one of them, they wouldn't be the favourite!

My parents openly preferred my sister because she had "given" them grandchildren whereas I had elected to be child-free. They were quite open about leaving 2/3 of their estate to her. So it was without guilt that I gradually withdrew, moved to another city, and seldom visited. I cannot say that I would have been a better parent or not preferred a child who was clever over one who was not. At least I didnt make that mistake and bring a child into the world to make them feel "less than".

MIL actually said to DD that she is proud of DD, she is proud of DH but she is extra proud of BIL because he is dyslexic so he faced difficulties in school.

I think this is a reasonable statement. If one child achieves something despite needing more support then it is something to be celebrated. She isn't saying that she's only proud of him, she says she's proud of everyone in her family.

My dm favours my sibling in order to see her grandchildren/not upset sibling because otherwise she won't see them.
When 3 of dm grandchildren sat there gcses my dm said 'i think x and y did ok but I'm most proud of z because they've put so much effort in'. Dm didn't stop to think that x and y put effort in too, or x and y (different parents) had significant barriers including between them sen, Health issues, caring responsibilities and actually got better grades than Z. Z is my dm 'favourite ' and is the child of said favourite sibling.
That was probably my last straw. Dm doesn't seem to have noticed I've pulled back (and so has my other sibling) and so I let her see dc and visit but on our terms, I don't contact her I let her contact me and I say no.
Its actually quite freeing to come to the realisation that I dont have to make an effort, I dont have to care and I dont need the recognition. I'd strongly advise stepping back for your own mh its worked wonders for me.

You can't know the struggles someone else is having though and just because your husband and his sister have been able to find strategies, it doesn't mean that their brother can in the same way.

You say that their mum has never celebrated their achievements, but in your very first post you said she was proud of both of them..

I think people like this are so totally self-absorbed that they don’t have the capacity to understand the emotional and psychological impact of this type of favouritism, and its lifelong damage to their children. Or they just don’t care, which is even worse.

100% agree with @EnjoythemoneyJane's post.

I think denial is the way they excuse it.

'X just needs more support. Is just more vulnerable.'

Or

'Y needs my financial help in a way X just doesn't.'

Pointing out the inequality falls on deaf ears to them too. They're so in denial (out of guilt I suppose) that they just don't see it even when an outsider comments.

Your MIL is Margaret Thatcher.

I don't feel more proud of my relatively high achievers than those who live more average kind of lives. They have different personalities and I love them all for who they are. No favourites either. If one wants to be a top CEO and the other a dog walker, that's fine. They're living different lives. I'm actually going to be proud they are living their own lives and dreams. Siblings shouldn't be compared.

Being 'high achieving' isn't necessarily a good thing. I know someone who has been a very high achiever in their field since a very young age. All driven by anxiety feeding the need to perform and never feeling like it's enough. That's not what I'd want for my child. I'd rather they were happy and relaxed in a more humble occupation.

In my family I am the scapegoat child. Everything that went wrong I got blamed on was told I was a problem child and all that jazz and it was far from true. I never cowtowed to my mother and her wants and needs that seemed to be the priority so she played me and my siblings against each other. It is a long running and very unfunny joke that I could win the nobel peace prize and it would be dismissed or diminished or I would be told I somehow bought it or something. My achievements my whole life have been minimised as have all my decisions whereby my siblings looked down on me despite the fact I have achieved a lot in my life. It has affected my life so much I made the choice to only have one child in case this is something inherited although now my son is older I see it was not a deficiency just my mother is a vile excuse for a human but I did not see that then and thought if I only have one child I can never make a child feel inferior or second best to the other. In some families it might be just how it is but in others, like mine, it is a sick and twisted mindgame being played and while my mother is the puppet master my siblings have made it easy enough for her over the years too.

My db could be smoking a crack pipe in a gutter while I won a nobel prize and dm would still be telling everyone she knows how proud she is of him and all the ways I don't measure up.

Some people are just like that. My experience is that gender is a big part of it.

I think it comes down to the parents’ worldview and preferences. My mother wanted her daughters to leave school early, stay local, get a little shop job, marry young, be a SAHM to at least three children and to be continually dropping in and out during the day and chatting about their weight, local radio and the neighbours. Instead she got three academic high achievers, two of whom are unmarried and childfree by choice, who have lived all over the world, have a lot of degrees and jobs they are interested in, good friends, good partners, and decent lives. We’re more interesting than the daughters she wanted but she’s terribly disappointed in us.

So whoever seems to her least happy at any one point is her favourite child — whoever has gone for a job they didn’t get, or a house that’s not selling, or is ill. It makes her feel needed.