Is it normal for a parent to be more proud of one (adult) child?

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I am an only child and I have an only child so I am unsure if this is normal. DH doesn't have a great relationship with his mother, mainly because he has always felt that she massively favours his younger brother. She subs his wages, takes him on holiday, generally sorts out his finances as he has got himself into dire straits in the past. It isn't even just about money - he is clearly the favourite based on the amount of time and help she gives him.

Anyway, DD went out for lunch with her the other week and MIL actually said to DD that she is proud of DD, she is proud of DH but she is extra proud of BIL because he is dyslexic so he faced difficulties in school. I just can't fathom thinking and saying that. But maybe everyone with more than one child feels that way? Maybe it is usual to be more proud of one child than another?

For context, DH is extremely independent, we don't ask MIL for anything. She knows we have very different political and social viewpoints to her so conversation is superficial. I just feel so sorry for DH that he has worked so hard but it will never be hard enough for her.

It's extremely common but also something not widely acknowledged in many families. For the sake of peace. 😎

I think it's one thing to secretly have a preference for one child but it's a preference that should never be expressed and should never mean the favoured child gets preferential treatment.

My mother was like this. She not only had favourites amongst her children but was vocal - i'm assuming not to their faces - about which grand children she preferred and would backbite about the grandchildren she didn't favour.

I sympathise very much with your DH.

Unfortunately, I think it is very common indeed. Out of the parents we got to know via LOs primary school, I’d say most had a clear favorite child.
In the long run I think it would be difficult to hide.

I think there is a difference between being proud of children and loving children.
I can imagine being more proud of one of my adult children, if say one worked really hard at school, did voluntary work, strived at a socially valuable career, cared loyally for their spouse, treated others with kindness... whilst the other helped wealthy people avoid paying tax, didn't care about others, never did anything useful to help society.
But it wouldn't change how much I loved them both. I could be extra proud of one child's achievements and efforts, without it making me love them more. If pride is tied to love, then the love is not unconditional.

Separately, I think many people probably love one child more, even if they don't want to. This can't really be helped! But what matters is that you never ever show it.

My mum favours my younger sister,she is from her second marraige, i think mums first marraige was so traumatic she didn't bond with me as well, so my sister is the. much loved baby, it used to bother me but now I couldn't care less, I get on fine with my sister it isn't her fault.

I do think it happens in most families and there is always "reasons " for favourites but parents just prefer the child that pleases them most.

My brother is the 'problem child'. My mum massively favours him. She feels a lot of guilt that if he were born now there would be diagnosis and support at school (because he is intelligent there was little support at school). I found life easier because I am different... I get less of her favours.
It is what it is. I can live my life being resentful (which i did for many years), or I can rise above it.. which i try to do.

This is the thing though...on paper DH has done all of these things. He has a good job, has worked hard, got promotion, faced his own challenges, took a break from his career to care for his terminally ill dad (MIL and FIL were divorced), he takes good care of me and DD and our home. It just seems that nothing he does is good enough.

I’ve seen a phenomena in a few friends and family where a mother favours the most vulnerable child. I often witness the lovely sibling of an SEN child overlooked and under appreciated because the mother (always the mother) spends most of her time fretting and supporting the one who finds life challenging.

Her saying that she’s proud of him because of his overcoming dyslexia is very telling.

I think it is normal. But I do feel sorry for your DH.

My mum preferred my DB. I have friends who have said 'DS just needs a little more support than the others.' while one of the other children was sitting alone, looking super sad about it. And also know a father who has isolated himself in his old age from his son by his life-long preference for his daughter.

I think it's almost inevitable if there is more than one child. The best thing to do would be to try to avoid showing it at all times. But being the mother of only one DC I don't know if that's possible.

I think your mil is not unusual in having enmeshed herself with the child she believes has a more difficult lot in life (in this case due to dyslexia).

One of my siblings was also labelled as more fragile and parents helped them more (tbh mainly DM, but DF was utterly passive and left family decisions to DM). In our case there wasn't even a clear cut reason, but that child tended to wear her heat on her sleeve, leading DM to catastrophise that she had every mental health issue under the sun, when in fact she was just telling DM absolutely everything without filter - the things the rest of us had experienced too but would have done anything to avoid telling DM about!

I think it's a common trait to be most invested in the apparently most fragile child, but it creates resentment and more importantly it actually often holds the one who becomes enmeshed back from properly being independent (obviously this is not relevant to people who have types of disabilities or illness with which living independently isn't possible, but that's a totally different situation).

I don't think it's inevitable at all - it's more normal for focus to shift to different children at different times.

My children all joke that they're my favourite, and I think that's what I'm going for.

As they become adults it's actually harder than as children not to spend more time with one than another simply because it's natural to have more interests in common with some people than others, whether they're your children or your cousins or your colleagues or anyone else. This is something I'm pondering atm as one of my young adult children is a lovely person but we don't really share any interests, whereas I coincidentally do with the other two. Sometimes there's also a tendency to over compensate with financial or other support, which is also likely to backfire one way or the other!

I think the adult relationship is harder to keep equal for that reason - it's not hard to be equal when they're actually children, and requires conscious thought and reflection when they're adults.

It’s normal for a shit parent, yes.

Parents are only human and many admire or get along better with one particular child for any number of reasons, but it’s spectacularly bad parenting to make it obvious.

I think people like this are so totally self-absorbed that they don’t have the capacity to understand the emotional and psychological impact of this type of favouritism, and its lifelong damage to their children. Or they just don’t care, which is even worse.

I only have one DC, a DD. I am one of 8 siblings. Did my DPs have favourites? I can’t honestly say. One my older DSisters, might say that I was favoured over her, but the others have never expressed any feelings on this.

I don’t think it is a matter of wrong or right and more of a matter of personality and character.
Even though our parents are our parents they are still people who have likes and dislikes and preferences. This goes for everything, even their DC.

Obviously what does matter is how we bring our DC up. This matters more than whether we favour one over the other. Maybe that is a balance that some parents get wrong.

I have 2 DGC, a boy and a girl. I can honestly say that I do not favour one over the other. They playfully ask me which of them is my favourite. I think them asking me this question and me wanting to be totally honest in my answer has taken away any instinct towards favouritism.

My extended family are predominantly female. Having a DGS is very special to me. But no favouritism there, though.

Then it is nothing to do with pride (unless DG's sibling has achieved things which MIL values more highly). She may be calling it pride, but pride is based in things people have done or how they behave. If there is no difference between DH and his sibling in this regard, then she is talking about love, not pride.

I think it's quite normal to give more day to day support to a child that's struggled over a child who has thrived, which it sounds is the case with your DH and his brother.

It's probably also quite normal to be extra proud of a child who's overcome a difficult childhood than one who got through fairly easily.

I can see where MIL is coming from really. I'd concentrate on the bit where she said she's proud of your DH and your DD rather than the bit where she said she's even more proud of BIL because of his difficulties. It sounds like your DH has a nice life with you and your DD? And his mum IS proud of him. Doesn't sound like there's an awful lot to complain about really. I'd try and focus on the positives.

My parents just prefer male children. It is what it is but it has led to some extreme behaviour from my brothers (criminal) and from my parents enabling that behaviour. Being the golden child is usually incredibly damaging developmentally.

Some people just prefer males over females and of the two my mother is probably the more male-centric.

I’ve no time for any of them anymore and it has certainly prompted me to parent very differently.

I have two adult sons in their 30s, ironically DS1 went to University but DS2 has made better adult decisions - financially, relationships, career etc. Him and his partner earn good salaries and bought their own house without help from us.

Now DS1 wife has recently had suffered from mental illness and can't work, and they have two young children, both previously also muddled though with low paid work. At their request they recieve support in terms of childcare and some financial assistance over the years (including house deposit - which they are slowly paying back) from us.

I am not going to see DS1 family struggle based on the principles of fairness and equality, but I have also been pretty explicit to DS1 that I won't do childcare if DS2 needs help with something (e.g he moved house last year) because he rarely asks for anything. Also, if they haven't repaid us the house deposit it will be deducted from their inheritance.

Pride is different to having a favourite or preferring one child over another.

I’m more proud of our daughters ability to walk than our son as she has CP so its at times a genuine struggle for her. I’m more proud of our sons language development as he has a hearing impairment.

None are prioritised more than the other, and I don’t have a favourite, well I do, but its the cat.

I do seem to notice when there is a favourite or golden child, its usually a man who has zero life skills.

Proud and favourite are very different.

My Mother was the proudest of me because I did the best career wise and would show off but her favourite was my sister. Same with DH, his parents are very proud of him but his sister is the favourite. I always knew, DH was in denial cemented because our unsuccessful sisters were left everything when my Mother and his Father died. Neither have any health issues or disabilities, I mean I could probably be classed as disabled as I have scoliosis of the spine but have never seen myself as that.

When they get old they seem just as keen for the less favoured child to care for them, funnily enough. They don't seem to have a preference then!

I see it so much with my husband, but as an outsider I can see why.

His sister was born, the next child died in childbirth and then my husband.

His parents never tell him they love him. They don’t have any photos of him in their living room but it’s full of his sister. She’s invited for a weekly takeaway. We aren’t. She’s helped financially. They always tell me stories about her childhood and I pointedly ask about my husband instead.

I can see why. It’s as though they believe he will die or something. He’s in his 40s. His achievement on paper would be ‘better’ than his sister’s - he runs his own business, he owns a house, neither of which she does (and this doesn’t make him better than, just stating it) and she’s in a NMW job.

It is so hard for me to witness but not my place to say or do anything.

I find one of my children easier because her interests align with mine, whereas my son is more intense and tricky. I absolutely 100% love them equally and do my very best to not show it.

Generally, it goes this way: most problematic/ youngest/ boys are usually the favourite ones.

My brother is the favourite, but my dad was always more proud of me because I worked harder at school, got off my backside and didn’t rely on my parents for a job like my siblings did. My mother hated that.

We’ve got 2 adult sons who I’m equally proud of, not just because of their achievements but because they’re good people.

It's not uncommon - but many who do it are in denial.

My parents suffered from it - yet did it to their one kids exceptional visible with GC - something they moaned about when it was their kids.

MIL had one child as she had it - (FIL only one who didn't have it growing up) - but she does it with CG - but point it out and she adjusts behavior - my parents just got defensive and then nasty.

I really hope we don't do it - but then have faced critism for often bring other kids up when some was focusing on one - kids do get on though and are close together in age. Also tried not to lump them together - as was done for me and dsis despite age gap and being very different people - had that cristim as well.

People will always justify it themsleves or for others. I was dsylexic struggling child but was told I was independent and needed no help and child with no issues was favoured- yet favoured GC was because there were issues - yet same people will insist both are normal and understandable positions.