Toddler refusing bath and shower

[Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain]

Posting on behalf of DB and SIL. They’ve got a 2.5 year old (3 in October) who for the past 2 months has been refusing a bath or shower, even with them or his elder DB. He screams the place down when in the bath shower so they usually have to sponge or flannel him down. Same with his hair.

No one has done anything to him in a bath/shower. Just come out of nowhere. He liked baths and showers before. The only place they can think of is nursery but they don’t have baths or showers just outside water play.

He loves his sink with tap that pours water, loves filling his cup and washing his hands in a water fountain. But runs away from and refuses the paddling pool. Won’t go near public swimming pools (which he liked before). He likes usual things like playing with water bottles things that go in water. I got him some green bubble bath and coloured kids shower mousse but not worked, his favourite bath time octopus squeezy toy and spinning shark bath toy are still played with but strictly out of the bath.

Any ideas? Why has he suddenly got like this? They’re at their wits end over this but obviously trying not to make it into a big thing. His older brother is 8 but would never make him scared of the bathroom.

Will do thanks.

He does have a garden but won’t go in the paddling pool so I don’t think that would work. Or with a baby bath outside. Thanks though.

If it were me I would just stop asking him, wash him with a flannel but everyone else carry on having baths and make a bit of a big deal about how much fun the shower and bath is and ina. Few days ask if they want to go in. It's probably just a phase but the more you push it the worse it will get

Thanks.

That’s their current thinking yes.

But he will not go near a paddling pool or swimming pool. So he’s missing out a lot in this heat.

Thanks.

I use the hot weather to your advantage. Sprinklers, water guns, paddling pool with tiny amount of water him it to start. Even a plastic sheet with water on it so he can sit in puddles of water. Lots of good associations with water. Hopefully it will then transfer indoors.
Might even ask him to bath some of his favourite plastic toys.

Thanks all for the advice. I’m going to show them this thread and they can try it all. I’ll update you with what works. Or not!

Op it's not cruel. My son used to hate having his teeth brushed and we had to pin him down to do it. It might sound cruel but you can't just not do things because they don't like it. They just have to deal with the screams for now. He will get over it when he knows that it's not negotiable. A shower or bath can be very quick for a toddler so it's not the end of the world to be crying for 3 mins, although it's not nice to see a child cry, he is not in pain, his parents are just washing him.

My mum is going to bathe her dog (standard dachshund) at the weekend and letting him (toddler) help bath him (Dennis is the name of the dog). I mean the dog doesn’t need many baths and is absolutely fine with them but if needs must…. If that transfers into him being bathed (toddler) then all is good.

I know it’s not cruel it just seems it. They have neighbours both sides with young kids so luckily any screams go down ok with them if heard and they (NDNs) don’t suspect child abuse. Joke.

Oh this is super common. DD had a phase of it at age 2. She’s now 9 and takes a daily shower no problem! YY to the splash pad suggestion and best if mum and Dad doesn’t take him- DD was ‘fixed’ by a holiday kids club kiddie pool party. You could also try getting him to water the garden with the hose and buying a water table for the garden that doesn’t require submersion like a paddling pool does but means lots of water play and getting wet gradually. But yeah washing does have to happen so at the peak of it we’d just stand her in an empty bath, wash quickly with the shower attachment and done and dusted in about a couple of minutes. I don’t think it’s cruel, I think it would be neglectful not to make sure he’s clean.

We had this about 18months. We kept putting him in despite his screaming but we would only put an inch of water in the bath and then sponge him down over a couple of weeks we increased the water level. He’s fine now, loves it even, except having his hair washed which is still met with existential horror but completed anyway.

My two went through this phase. Fill the bath put them in wash them get them out and yes they will scream and fight but hygiene is non negotiable in this house.

I also have a 2.5yo who has gone through phases of hating both baths and toothbrushing. Baths we will cut down to every few days, toothbrushing obviously totally non-negotiable.

We crack on and make it happen. Get it over with quickly. Sometimes it’s a 2 person job. Yes she screams about it. No it’s not unkind to ensure your child’s basic hygiene. Yes we (adults) stay calm throughout and offer lots of cuddles and comfort afterwards.

Dithering and feeling guilty about this sort of thing is exactly what gives “gentle parenting” a bad name. There is nothing gentle about letting your child be filthy because you’re too nervous about upsetting them.

I get the feeling his mum does gentle parenting for an easier life. As I said my brother, his dad is less gentle (not harsh but firmly stricter).

Crikey this means for the splash pad park place I’d have to take him by myself. He’s very clingy to his parents. Let’s see eh! I swear if he saw his best friends at nursery at the splash park or having a fun bath then this issue would disappear suddenly and he’d join in.

He likes to be a big boy, follows his big brother like a little shadow and doesn’t like it if you say he’s the baby. Not said to him in a bad way. He sees his big brother bathing and showering and his family though and that doesn’t encourage him at all.

I’m relieved this is a stage though. FWIW, his older brother hated having his hair washed when much younger at this age and younger, if he stayed with me I’d have to do it surreptitiously (slyly) with a plastic jug of water. Sneaking up on him from behind. When he wasn’t looking or noticing. He’s fine now and happily washes his own hair at 8 years old.

It’s making life harder though, not easier. She can’t even wash her child.

It will only get harder too.

Parents have to make children do some things they don’t want to. Imagine the teenage years if she can’t get a handle on that now.

Another vote for considering the timing of the bath/shower. We've never done daily baths with ours (unless at their request) but they've always been pretty clean children, not really a fan of getting messy. Do they feel they need a bath every day? We used to do baths before bed, but it was not the nice wind down, relaxing time that we were lead to believe, so shifted to mornings, with more time to wash hair and not having to mess around with drying.
We've not really had issues with the bath as such though, but hair wash was the problem for my eldest at that age (suspected autism here too though) she hated having the water pour down her face. I got a thing for her to wear on her head with the visor at the front, she wore it for a few weeks and it really helped, then all of a sudden was able to just put her head back and rinse the hair without it. So I'm glad I didn't go down the 'let her scream' route and found a solution. Yes she needs to have her hair washed, but if I can do something to help her rather than risk it becoming a screaming battle over something that was genuinely upsetting her, then I will.

My only other advise would be to make it genuine choice. 'Do you want to get clean this morning, or shall we do it before bed?' 'Would you like a bath today or shall we wash you with this sponge?' (rather than making it that they are changing the issue with having a bath to having to get sponged clean, seems a bit more like a punishment than choice?)

Hello,
We went through the same with our son when he was about 2. We tried to be gentle, then tried to force him but he was screaming, that was horrible. He had never had an issue with baths or water before, and he’s always been a sweet little boy. It went on for a month I think. I was quite worried. I managed to solve the it by putting some toys he likes in the bath without any water. I offered to play together in the bath with the toys, no water. Then once he was playing and happy, I’d run a tiny bit of water from the shower head, without putting water on him directly. And little by little he was fine again. But a few months later, it happened again. But I wasn’t worried anymore, I thought, it’s a phase, and he’ll go through it. And after a few weeks he was fine again. I always kept him clean of course but just waited for the fear to go away. I also showed photos and him videos of him in the bath of when he was younger. He’s now 3.5 yo and very happy 😊 To people who wrote “get on with it and put him in the bath even if he’s screaming”, I completely disagree. My (a bit old school) parents tried and it was horrible, they got scared and agreed there was no point of forcing him into a situation he feared that much. It will pass, but if not maybe a health visitor or paediatrician help 😊 Good luck x

Really don’t understand the “it’s unkind to force them” thing. It’s unkind to keep a human dirty in their own sweat and whatever muck they get on them, when they can be washed. Children have to do things they don’t like all the time, they may not understand why but these things must be done and that’s what parents are there for. To care for their child. Caring for their child includes bathing them. It can take 5 minutes, pop in the bath, wash, out.

no it’s not nice to hear them screaming and crying but… it’s 5 minutes. It’s unkind to leave him dirty if he’s dirty. As if that’s even a conversation point.

My kids went through a phase of screaming the place in when we tried to put them in the bath. We tried different toys etc and in the end, we got them in with those crayons that are soap and can draw on the tub and tiles etc.

Your SiL is deceived if she thinks what she is calling gentle parenting gives parents an easier life. It will make her life much, much harder because she will end up with a child who thinks everything is negotiable. I watched so-called gentle parenting (which was actually permissive parenting) close up with the parents of two of my godchildren. Things that should have been normal - going to the park, going out to eat (even to MacDonalds), shopping, going on a car journey, getting ready for bed, eating a meal, going for a walk, were chaotic and unhappy for everyone because there were no routines, systems or boundaries.

Read Bruno Battelheim, who teaches how to think from the child's perspective. A baby arrives in the world knowing nothing. Imagine having no boundaries and trying to work it out for yourself. Extremely frightening, to the point of terror. Parents' role is to build the structures for the child until they are old enough to take over.

Back to my godchildren. Their mother died when they we're 9 and 11 and chaos totally took over. The father was at a loss when they refused to wear the new clothes he had bought them for the funeral and spent hours explaining why they should wear the clothes. As teenagers, they stayed up most of the night, lived on a diet of Pepsi and pizza, and left school at the earliest possible opportunity. (They're both fine now and dismissing the over-solicitous approach of their father, having been taught more sensible approaches:to the reading of their own children by the lovely people they have married.)

This. Compromise in our house was ‘dip in and dip out’ if they were moaning about going in the bath. It takes less than 60 seconds to get wash all over them and rinse it off. 9/10 they wanted to then stay in longer, but if not, get them out and towel them off.

Most of the time the whinging is because they know bath time = end of the day, leading to book, teeth and bedtime. They’ll push boundaries.
There’s far worse to come in the later years.

Would a kitchen sink bath work? They can sit him on the side while they wash a clean plate (so the water doesn’t get dirty) in the sink, then joke he’s a piece of washing up and try and wash his foot. See how he reacts. If he laughs, it’s a game and you can get all of him in the sink. If he yells and squirms, it’s back to the drawing board.