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Toddler refusing bath and shower

139 replies

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 10:21

Posting on behalf of DB and SIL. They’ve got a 2.5 year old (3 in October) who for the past 2 months has been refusing a bath or shower, even with them or his elder DB. He screams the place down when in the bath shower so they usually have to sponge or flannel him down. Same with his hair.

No one has done anything to him in a bath/shower. Just come out of nowhere. He liked baths and showers before. The only place they can think of is nursery but they don’t have baths or showers just outside water play.

He loves his sink with tap that pours water, loves filling his cup and washing his hands in a water fountain. But runs away from and refuses the paddling pool. Won’t go near public swimming pools (which he liked before). He likes usual things like playing with water bottles things that go in water. I got him some green bubble bath and coloured kids shower mousse but not worked, his favourite bath time octopus squeezy toy and spinning shark bath toy are still played with but strictly out of the bath.

Any ideas? Why has he suddenly got like this? They’re at their wits end over this but obviously trying not to make it into a big thing. His older brother is 8 but would never make him scared of the bathroom.

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 07/07/2026 15:25

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 11:14

The thing is they can’t force him. I mean right now he’s in the shower getting sponged down but he screams the house down too which isn’t fun for him or them.

Yes they can, he's a toddler you pick him and go in the shower with him and wash him. No going back. The parents need to step up and parent they are in charge. He's not independent at nearly three he's still too young. If they continue to pander to him, there will be more and more he tries to control. He'll be "That kid" at school and wait till he's a teen. God help them. Put the hard work in while they are young and it pays off as they get older.

dairydebris · 07/07/2026 15:35

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 11:54

Yes but now this has become a battle of wills and he just refuses a bath or shower. It’s a bit unkind to force him don’t you think?

Unkind to ensure your child is clean?

No, its not unkind.

It's unkind to allow him to feel like he has the power to dictate to his parents. Kids need kind firm boundaries. It's unkind to allow him to go unwashed.

They need to think of it as practice for when the kid wants ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner. And a smartphone at 7. As parents we sometimes have to take kind decisions even if a toddler disagrees.

It's unkind NOT to force him.

2BarbieOrNot2Barbie · 07/07/2026 15:54

I would say this is common but really you have to insist a bit. We did things like letting her shower her ducks with the shower head while she was in the bath (no water in the bath) and I would splash her while we were playing. That would generally graduate to me then showering her. I just got really quick with it and gritted my teeth through the crying. Even now I can do a full shower in under 3 minutes. She grew out of it and now is fine with showers or baths.

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HauntingBillCrouse · 07/07/2026 16:51

Of course they can force him. There are some things that are non-negotiable and hygiene should be one of them. He doesn't have to have a bath every day, but it has to be done a few times a week. My youngest hated it till he was around 3. We'd give him a very quick dunk while he screamed the place down. Wash his body, wash his hair, get him out. It's not nice to deal with, but it's part of parenting.

IdaGlossop · 07/07/2026 17:11

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 11:54

Yes but now this has become a battle of wills and he just refuses a bath or shower. It’s a bit unkind to force him don’t you think?

My DD went through a phrase of hating her hair being washed, aged 2/3. I very calmly continued as normal and braced myself against the screaming. She stopped after a few weeks. My probably unpopular view is that parents of even small children are not doing their child any favours in the longer term by avoiding the thing the child is frightened of or detests. Down the line, the thing might be bicycling, having their hair cut, walking past dogs, going to sleep, dreams, a particular cartoon character, meeting relations - many things that can't be avoided. The role of parents is to help their DC overcome fears, not sidestep them. If there's a battle of wills, the parent must win, without shouting, because the parent is in charge. When that doesn't happen, the child is put at risk because they have learnt that you don't need to do as an adult asks eg stop at the kerb.

Typo

LizzieSiddal · 07/07/2026 17:44

Floppyearedlab · 07/07/2026 15:00

Yes they can

Two adults are stronger than one toddler.

Two adults, pinning down a struggling, screaming toddler into a bath or shower. Oh yes that’s bound to make things better. 🤔

EmmaB1309 · 07/07/2026 17:48

It’s not unkind to ‘force’ him OP, for want of a better word. Lots of things about parenting seem objectively unkind in the moment, like making them get immunisations or have dental work done or take horrible medicine, but in the longer term they would be doing him an unkindness by not doing this for him. You said it yourself, he’s in the shower just now. Screaming and making a fuss because he doesn’t like it, but he’s in there.
During a calm moment, it would help if they talked to him about what he doesn’t like. Water temperature? Plug hole? The sensation of being wet? Being cold afterwards or the feeling of the towel?
Maybe involve him in choosing some bath products and a new character towel?
He could run the bath himself and add a cool bath bomb or bubble bath?
Many kids hate hair washing and water/shampoo getting in their eyes so maybe one of those shield things to stop that?
But ultimately, having ensured they have done everything possible to make it comfortable and address any fears, they have to just confidently and firmly put him in there.

Belmondo · 07/07/2026 17:52

Apologies OP, I haven't read the full thread but is he still in nappies? My kid did this at around 18mths when still in nappies and it turned out that the issue was taking his nappy off, God only knows why. We had a week or so of bathing him with a nappy on and then suddenly it went away 🙄😁

Becs51 · 07/07/2026 17:55

We’ve had this with my son and it wasn’t just a “tantrum”. He’s since been diagnosed AuDHD and now he’s older he’s been able to verbalise the struggles. He’s 12 now and still can’t shower and baths are rare but he can wash himself with a flannel. The feeling of the water in a shower on his skin is painful to him and it’s changes in temperature he struggles with getting out of the bath.
It’s a really tough one and one I regret forcing for so long because it has traumatised him.
one thing he did find a lot easier was an inflatable hot tub over the summer because it was warm outside so the temperature difference getting in and out was manageable.
I haven’t found the answer unfortunately and know many friends with autistic kids in exactly the same situation.

Devilsmommy · 07/07/2026 18:00

Mine did this at around the same age. Absolutely loved a bath usually and nothing happened to cause a problem, he just all of a sudden had a major aversion to them. So rather than stress us both out by trying to get him in there I just did a full body wash with a basin. It only lasted a couple of months and thankfully he decided to start having a bath again. Toddlers are weird sometimes, just roll with it😅

Devilsmommy · 07/07/2026 18:03

@Becs51 thanks for posting this. My son is almost 4 and is awaiting assessment for autism. I did wonder if that could be the reason for the bath refusal. He absolutely won't get in a shower at all. He's got a lot of sensory sensitivities but can't tell me the problem as he's pretty much non verbal. I wonder if the shower issue is the same as your son's

Lawyermommy · 07/07/2026 18:14

My son was like this too. I realised that he was absolutely shattered at the end of the day when I was trying to give him a bath/shower and he just wanted to go to bed which was half of the screaming. I now give him a shower first thing in the morning, like I do, and it’s a lot calmer and easier. He has his shower and then into daytime clothes.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:15

Lawyermommy · 07/07/2026 18:14

My son was like this too. I realised that he was absolutely shattered at the end of the day when I was trying to give him a bath/shower and he just wanted to go to bed which was half of the screaming. I now give him a shower first thing in the morning, like I do, and it’s a lot calmer and easier. He has his shower and then into daytime clothes.

very good point. They prefer to bathe shower kids at night but don’t see why not do it morning? Especially these hot days.

OP posts:
TigTails · 07/07/2026 18:17

They need to get used to bathing or showering him while he screams. Simples.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:21

Devilsmommy · 07/07/2026 18:00

Mine did this at around the same age. Absolutely loved a bath usually and nothing happened to cause a problem, he just all of a sudden had a major aversion to them. So rather than stress us both out by trying to get him in there I just did a full body wash with a basin. It only lasted a couple of months and thankfully he decided to start having a bath again. Toddlers are weird sometimes, just roll with it😅

Yeah he’s not mine but he is a bit weird. His food choices are minimal and changeable though he does like fruit and veg. It would be totally different if someone traumatised him with a bath but it’s not that. It seems to be bodies of water too like paddling pools and swimming pools.

We are now off to a big splash park in Bexley at the weekend me included (god help me) so they’re gonna bring hair wash and shower mousse along too, am sure you can use it there. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone and all that. Let’s hope he likes doing that! His favourite squishy octopus is coming along too.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:23

TigTails · 07/07/2026 18:17

They need to get used to bathing or showering him while he screams. Simples.

They are currently doing that but it stresses him out and them too. He’s not autistic or ND. They don’t want to set up a bath phobia either. He doesn’t like showers. Even my mum’s jacuzzi bath which he saw turned on and turned off, we said he could get in it, he shook his head and said “no bubbly bath”. He’s used it before no issues!

OP posts:
Voneska · 07/07/2026 18:24

Make the next water experience ( not pre planned for him) but make it as far away from a bathroom as possible ( garden) and non - nude. Try to get a child's wet suit and a Garden sprinkler . Get every one else to run in and out with light clothes as well. Do not mention it whilst doing this or cajole him, just let him join in if he wants. Don't let the session drag on. But try again another day. Don't ever mention about water to him ( important) lest it will become bigger issue.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:25

Becs51 · 07/07/2026 17:55

We’ve had this with my son and it wasn’t just a “tantrum”. He’s since been diagnosed AuDHD and now he’s older he’s been able to verbalise the struggles. He’s 12 now and still can’t shower and baths are rare but he can wash himself with a flannel. The feeling of the water in a shower on his skin is painful to him and it’s changes in temperature he struggles with getting out of the bath.
It’s a really tough one and one I regret forcing for so long because it has traumatised him.
one thing he did find a lot easier was an inflatable hot tub over the summer because it was warm outside so the temperature difference getting in and out was manageable.
I haven’t found the answer unfortunately and know many friends with autistic kids in exactly the same situation.

Yes, thanks for this. I don’t think he’s autistic, he could well be, but they asked his nursery workers and they said they thought not. It’s just literally come out of the blue, no rhyme or reason to it.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:26

Voneska · 07/07/2026 18:24

Make the next water experience ( not pre planned for him) but make it as far away from a bathroom as possible ( garden) and non - nude. Try to get a child's wet suit and a Garden sprinkler . Get every one else to run in and out with light clothes as well. Do not mention it whilst doing this or cajole him, just let him join in if he wants. Don't let the session drag on. But try again another day. Don't ever mention about water to him ( important) lest it will become bigger issue.

This sounds a good idea! Thank you!

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:27

Belmondo · 07/07/2026 17:52

Apologies OP, I haven't read the full thread but is he still in nappies? My kid did this at around 18mths when still in nappies and it turned out that the issue was taking his nappy off, God only knows why. We had a week or so of bathing him with a nappy on and then suddenly it went away 🙄😁

He is yes, still in nappies. I don’t think it’s that though as he’s fine with taking his nappy off.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:30

EmmaB1309 · 07/07/2026 17:48

It’s not unkind to ‘force’ him OP, for want of a better word. Lots of things about parenting seem objectively unkind in the moment, like making them get immunisations or have dental work done or take horrible medicine, but in the longer term they would be doing him an unkindness by not doing this for him. You said it yourself, he’s in the shower just now. Screaming and making a fuss because he doesn’t like it, but he’s in there.
During a calm moment, it would help if they talked to him about what he doesn’t like. Water temperature? Plug hole? The sensation of being wet? Being cold afterwards or the feeling of the towel?
Maybe involve him in choosing some bath products and a new character towel?
He could run the bath himself and add a cool bath bomb or bubble bath?
Many kids hate hair washing and water/shampoo getting in their eyes so maybe one of those shield things to stop that?
But ultimately, having ensured they have done everything possible to make it comfortable and address any fears, they have to just confidently and firmly put him in there.

Yeah I know it isn’t unkind to force him. He literally stands in the bath whilst water is put on a sponge and then sponged down. Shower is off, bath is empty.

He’s a typical 2.5 year old though, good vocab but not necessarily that clear (parents generally understand him) but will ask them to ask him in more detail what’s wrong and see if they can pinpoint something, too hot water or whatever.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:31

LizzieSiddal · 07/07/2026 17:44

Two adults, pinning down a struggling, screaming toddler into a bath or shower. Oh yes that’s bound to make things better. 🤔

Exactly. If that were me as a child, you bet I’d be traumatised. Might as well waterboard the kid.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:32

dairydebris · 07/07/2026 15:35

Unkind to ensure your child is clean?

No, its not unkind.

It's unkind to allow him to feel like he has the power to dictate to his parents. Kids need kind firm boundaries. It's unkind to allow him to go unwashed.

They need to think of it as practice for when the kid wants ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner. And a smartphone at 7. As parents we sometimes have to take kind decisions even if a toddler disagrees.

It's unkind NOT to force him.

But he is washed now. Just with a sponge or flannel.

OP posts:
Boreded · 07/07/2026 18:34

Check for glue ear, that set mine off for a couple of years of hating the bath

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 07/07/2026 18:36

miaCara · 07/07/2026 14:57

I think I would go down the route of ' not allowing' him to get in the bath/ shower. Just continue washing him down as has been the way so far. Preferably while big brother is having a rare old time in the bath by himself.
In my experience they come round pretty quickly to ask to do the thing they were so against before.
Toddlers eh 🤷

This is a good tactic. God only knows why he’s like this. And all of a sudden. It’s like I think he prefers it if he can do it himself is my reasoning as he washes his hands and fills his sippy cup. So maybe they should let him/help him turn on the shower, fill the bath, put the plug in, put bubble bath in. Maybe that would work.

OP posts: