Your elderly parent die when you're on holiday?

[familyicons]

So im thinking an unplanned death (apart from old or frail) elderly widow/widower parent
anyone siblings or family not tell them until they got back or tell them in the middle of the holiday and expect them to come back? Or tell them in the middle of the holiday and say "stay there nothing's changing".
i'm just wondering, what would happen if this happened to me. Big expensive holiday coming up so obviously I'm overthinking.!!

Depends on level of distress. When my friend was on holiday with us her grandfather died and they didn’t tell her until she got back as they knew she would be very upset and want to come home so they didn’t want her to deal with that on her own and miss out on her holiday. My dad and aunt agreed in advance they would notify but not return if my nan died - it was a long time coming and to be something of a relief for all involved. They did however stagger holidays to avoid her passing whilst both were away.

My parents flew transatlantic to visit when my first child was born. They arrived to the news that my grandmother had just died. They didn't go back. If she had been ill and asking for my dad, he would, of course, have gone but my uncle and sister advised staying so they did. We went on a big holiday when my father in law was in his 90's and in a care home. We discussed before we went and decided that we would still go.

I haven’t had to have this conversation about family yet, but have re pets, and I think I’d follow the same path.

If there’s been some terrible accident and they’ve already died suddenly (or in the case of pets had to be put to sleep immediately on welfare grounds), don’t tell me till I come home (for a standard week away, I guess it would be different if it was multiple weeks). I can’t do anything and it will completely spoil any possible enjoyment whilst you’re out there. Interestingly I’ve had this conversation with multiple other horse owners who all said the same thing (we used to care for each others horses if owners were on holiday).

If something has happened and they’re ill and likely to die but I have a chance to say goodbye then yes, call me and I can make that choice.

When our family dog died when my parents were abroad I was in touch with my dad (I was distraught and he’d texted to ask how he was doing), but he didn’t tell my mum- nothing she could do, and would be upset to no end.

Obviously I would expect my sibling not to hold the funeral etc till I was home, but due to short holidays/length of time to organise funerals I don’t think it would be an issue.

So you say you would be furious if you hadn’t been told, then acknowledge there was nothing you could do and should have stayed?
So what could have induced you to stay? I would have thought not knowing.

@familyicons If it were me I would not want to know. There would be nothing I could do if they were dead and knowing would utterly ruin the holiday.
What is the difference between knowing & not knowing? Unless you are going away for 3 months and the family want to have the funeral then there is zero difference.
Dont tell me. I don’t want to know, it just spoils it for everyone. My mum would be hopping mad if I came back from a holiday because she had died -it’s not like I have the ability to make her rise like Lazarus is her opinion.
My mums dog died while she was away. We didn’t tell her. She would have spent a week crying .
The grief isn’t going anywhere -it can wait a few days.

My mum died recently while I was away on holiday. I knew she was deteriorating - advanced dementia, very frail and no longer consistently eating - and that they were requesting the GP prescribe the anticipatory end of life drugs but no indication from the care home that it was likely to be the end in a matter of days.

On my first full day on holiday they said that they were expecting the drugs that day and were going to give her the sedative immediately. I couldn’t have got back in time to see her before she lost consciousness. I discussed with my sibling and stayed on holiday. It was a hard day or so knowing what was happening back home but I reasoned that my mum’s suffering would soon be over and she would not know who was there as she was sedated. I am still ok with my decision.

More recently we delayed mils funeral due to a booked holiday and shift patterns, when people are elderly, it’s much easier to compartmentalise the grief I think, you are sad because you loved them but you are thankful they had a long happy life and often their pain, their poor quality of life etc is over and sometimes they haven’t known who you are for years, it’s just not the same as loosing a younger person, I’m not saying you won’t be upset loosing an elderly person, just that it’s different so people do choose to act differently, including completing a booked holiday

I found out my mum had died unexpectedly just as we touched down in our holiday destination airport.

It did cross my mind that I should immediately jump on a plane back but I was away with partner and two very small, excited children.

My sibling at home, and others I spoke to encouraged me to stay and make the best of it. Nothing could happen until post-mortem completed etc.

It was fucking awful but we decided not to tell the children til we returned and I spent time crying behind sunglasses on a sun lounger periodically.

Glad we tackled it that way even now. Bit selfish of my mum though...

I think it depends to be honest on so many factors including how a person has died. However it's always best to explain your wishes and what you would like to happen first particularly with a sibling or parent etc.

GMIL died while PiLs were in Australia visiting SIL. We told them and they stayed and we dealt with the immediate admin and then they sorted the funeral when they were back. the biggest problem was that they’d left a very old and no longer working email address for DH so the care home
couldn’t make contact with him and the police had to get involved. So do make sure all details are completely up to date!

Ok, I've just changed my mind from not wanting to be told.

In this time of social media, I'd rather not potentially find out via a pop-up Facebook notification of condolences from a random person. I would want to be told by a trusted source rather than trying to verify it in a panic.

I would go back to support the other parent. There's also the issue that the other parent wouldn't have any other family around. I'm it. So yes I would absolutely go back immediately.

The closest I've come to this (I live a long way from my parents) is my mother having an accident the day my father arrived. My father was still in the air when I found out. It was almost fatal but she was okay. I told my father as soon as I got him home and made him a coffee. He didn't go back as there was no need. If my mother had died that day, I'd have packed a bag and booked flights immediately. He'd have gone straight back with me alongside.

DHs uncle died whilst we were away and we didn’t know thankfully. There was a suggestion we should have come back, I don’t know why he wasn’t close.

MIL was unwell before we were due to go on a massive holiday and BIL spent weeks and weeks trying to get us to cancel because he’s a jealous twat. She actually died a month before and he still tried to get us to cancel as there was ‘so much to sort’ then went on holiday at the same time anyway.

My sister and her dh had just gone for a three week holiday abroad, somewhere they have visited many times, when our darling mum, who lived with me, was given 8 weeks to live. I decided to tell her, she could go on holiday anytime but we only had one mum and I was also struggling at home to look after mum as she didn't want to go into a hospice. Sister decided not to come back from holiday early and was only able to spend a week or so with mum as she passed away sooner. I now see regular Facebook posts with photos from her dh saying what a great time they had on that particular holiday. It was 15 years ago and he even put one on yesterday about that particular holiday. If it had been me I'd have come home immediately and also if I'd been told mum had passed away as there would be no way I could enjoy the rest of my holiday.

My grandmother is over 100 now. She is just about hanging on in there but not unwell nor suffering from anything so could die tomorrow or last another 5 years for all we know!

My parents frequently go away for 4-6 weeks at a time. They've said if she passes away, let us know but we're not coming back. If they are weeks away from getting back, the pre-paid funeral directors have instructions (of which I'm aware) to have her cremated without a service, and then we would do a service/gathering when my parents are back.

Sounds a bit cold and efficient but life continues for the living and my parents coming back early from their holiday wouldn't change anything. Also we have a very very small family so there wouldn't really be anyone else to attend any service so I suppose we can do it in our own way.

The important thing here is to speak to your siblings and agree a plan

No, but I've twice had a grandparent die/become very ill whilst I was on lengthy holidays.

In one case DM had decided not to tell me they'd died until I came back as it was near enough to the end of the trip for me to be back for the funeral without changing anything.

In the other case they told me they were very ill, and I decided to cut my trip short and fly home. I was backpacking and the trip was extremely flexible so I didn't have to cancel anything. I didn't regret going home as I got time to say goodbye before DGM died.

Personally if I died suddenly I'd rather my loved ones enjoyed their holiday.

Not a chance in hell I wouldn't come back. However, I do get on with my family which not everyone does.

There's no way I could ever stay on a holiday after heating that news.

I would tell my siblings but not expect them to come home and hold the funeral up to a fortnight for them to be in back. I would expect they would offer the same but in all honesty if we still had a remaining parent I would be on the first flight available.

My elderly mum had a major stroke when my sister was abroad. I told her but she didn’t come home. Mum pulled through fortunately but it still rankles.

In our case, we would be told and expected to come back because funerals are very quick (normally 2 days after the death). Maybe 3 if family were coming from overseas that was difficult and long travel involved.

Also, both DH and I are the eldest and siblings tend to look to us to sort things out, even though else are not the living the closest in general. So we’d need to get back because of that. (In fact, it’s the one reason I am not looking at options beyond Europe or near Europe with good connections for my next posting, so that I can get home in a hurry as we have 3 rapidly ageing parents in their late 70s and early 80s between us - I expect that I could think about the Far East, Australia/New Zealand, Canada of Latin America for my final posting before retirement).

My father died when db was on holiday.
He went despite knowing he had days left
I didn’t think he’d come back and sure enough he was true to form. I felt like carrying on with the funeral regardless but in the end

I told him and arranged the funeral for when he got back three weeks later.
I honestly wish I’d carried on regardless

My parents were on holiday in America. One of my parents became very ill. They were in hospital, not likely to make it. My sister and I flew out as soon as we could get a flight, but arrived too late. We went to the undertakers with the other parent to view the body, which was then flown back to the UK. My sister then suggested to me that the 2 of us spend a couple of days in America and do some sightseeing, to make use of the fact that we were there (and had paid for expensive flights). I just felt that this was wrong, and that we should be going back to my parents' house in the UK as soon as we could, to provide moral and practical support with the grief and funeral arrangements. It didn't seem like the right time to enjoy some sightseeing. To me if a parent dies (assuming you had any kind of decent relationship with them) it feels wrong to be focusing on having a fun time when you have just lost someone important and when other people are struggling emotionally, even if the funeral arrangements are in hand. I do feel a little sad about not having had the chance to see that American city though - I've never been back to the US.

I agree, it depends on your relationship with your family and how you individually process grief.

We've had 4 deaths in our immediate family, one sibling, three parents. All of them were pretty distressing, in different ways, even though all of the three parents' deaths could be considered to be a release.

For us, both families worked as a team to sort out the funeral and other admin. It was an intense time and as well as relief that the loved one was no longer suffering, there was a lot of grief. I couldn't imagine leaving my siblings to deal with that and being able to enjoy a holiday far away. If you can work together on it, there is a huge value in sharing the grief and stress of that stage as a family which can build family relationships in the long term.

And in fact last year we went on holiday just after the funeral and it was a fairly crap holiday because neither of us was really ready for it. So it depends on the depth of your grief and the way you as an individual process things.

But - everyone is different, some families don't pull together at that point and some people might prefer to deal with their grief on their own, or might have a high degree of acceptance and be fine. Every death is different.

Or tell them in the middle of the holiday and say "stay there nothing's changing".

MIL had that her Mum in 90s- FIL and her Dbrother insited she stay as nothing was going to change - her Dad had died earlier. There was nothing for her to do. Her brother spent time shopping round and got quite a few deals - which I thought odd but was him to a tee - informing wider family and finding dates that worked. That was decade plus ago when I think delays between deaths and funerals were not quite so commonly as long.

When Dad died - there was a month before funeral and lots of paperwork - and that was only one slot - or more weeks to wait- luckily in school/uni hoidays so we and kids could get there - though extended family didn't travel.

Our travel insurance with the RAC does. I'm in the process of claiming at the moment but it's being delayed by Jet2's inability to actually reply to my request for a receipt for the unused hotel nights. It's very complicated because it was a package holiday apparently.

We are in this.situatuon with both fathers, both are ill, one with dementia the other cancer. The latter is my Dad, I go on holiday this week , mum ,brother and I have already agreed that if somthing happens they will tell me but not to come back. My brother has just come back from 3 weeks away with the same agreement. With FIL Im not sure what would happen as famuly relations are not as good and SIL / MIL may expect use back. DH has already mourned his dad due to the dementia sadly.