Your elderly parent die when you're on holiday?

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So im thinking an unplanned death (apart from old or frail) elderly widow/widower parent
anyone siblings or family not tell them until they got back or tell them in the middle of the holiday and expect them to come back? Or tell them in the middle of the holiday and say "stay there nothing's changing".
i'm just wondering, what would happen if this happened to me. Big expensive holiday coming up so obviously I'm overthinking.!!

What do you want to happen. Do you want to know or wait?

I have the same concerns because I cruise a fair amount and my mum is 87yo. I call her but she often doesn't take her mobile with her when with friends 😒 and there have been times when I dont get the opportunity to call again - happened on my last cruise, I finally spoke to her just before we flew home. My sister would let me know if anything happened. I would want to know, but it would not cause me to come home. It would allow me to start grieving and working with my siblings to plan the funeral.

Lol a bit at "I cruise" 😮 😃

my Mum is matter of fact about these things so I wouldn't feel any guilt and she herself would say, when living, "oh God don't come back".

I'm just interested because I need to tell my brother and sister.

Yeah, they often go when a family member is on holiday. Often in the early days of the holiday too, so everyone has to pack up and turn around and come home.

We are 3 siblings in year 7 of one or both parents being really and chronically quite ill. One thing after another.
We cover each other, one sibling goes on holiday while the other two siblings can be around if/when something happens.
Otherwise - none of the three of would ever have have had a holiday for these last 7 years.

I would definitely want to know and would come home to support my sister

If I was just on a 2 week holiday, I’d not want to know. Knowing would spoil my holiday and I can’t see the point unless it was necessary for me to go home.

I had a similar scenario in the last year of my mother's life. I told my siblings not to tell me. I was a 10 hour flight away and my mum had late-stage dementia. She wouldn't have known if I was there or not.

My sister said she wanted to be told and to call her if anything happened..

It's a completely personal decision.

This is also something I dread too. My parents are in their mid 80's and fit and well - but I do think about what would happen if one of them died whilst we were away. I know they have both said in the past when they were in a similar situation with my very elderly grandma that they wouldn't come back if they were on holiday so I know they wouldn't expect that from me or my brother.

But I would feel so guilty, particularly for not being there as an emotional support for the other parent, and my own guilt too. I'm also the oldest child so I imagine a lot of the organisation would fall to me.

We have 5 weeks in Thailand planned in November/December so it is in the back of my mind. Can't live your life though like that.

This happened to be with both my parents.

Firstly when DF passed away, I came straight home for my Mum and that was definitely the right decision.

Second time when Mum died, I stayed away for the next week. For me, there was no reason to come back, no one to be there for.

I think it's one of those, what feels right for you, is the right thing.

MiL died while we were on holiday. She was on an end-of-life pathway and ailing fast. We had stayed in the UK anyway as it was a reasonably forseeable situation. Also she was in another country where funerals are fast.

The funeral was delayed so it was after about 4 days to be able to get family there. We stayed away another couple of days, made our arrangements to travel/ stay over, travelled home and had a 10hr turnaround on unloading camping gear and heading to the airport. The slight delay got the initial shockwave out of the system- useful for a long drive.

I've also had the situation of one family member suddenly being taken ill and ending up in ITU just after their closest relative went away for two weeks. Family rallied round and travelled to do visits and kept next of kin informed. Unfortunately they did pass away the night before next of kin got home. Realistically not much more could have been done if next of kin was there anyway.

In England it is logistically simpler with the delay in funeral times typically taking longer than a holiday.

I'd always let a relative know what is happening to give them space to make their own decisions. As a young adult, I got it in the neck for not passing on that my great-great aunt that I hadn't seen for years and had rarely seen had passed away. I wasn't the logical chain of news anyway and had no idea that the other relative had been a lot closer in their youth.
It's better to let people know and make their own choices.

We had a potential scenario as my dad was terminally ill but in the end he passed away 2 weeks before we left.

I would have been furious if my sister and my mum would have been hiding this. I already felt bad as I was living in a different country to him an only saw him every couple of weeks.

Have an open and honest conversation. it may also depends on where you go and what you do. We had booked a complicated road trip and weren't necessarily that easily reachable so we wouldn't have been able to just take a cab to an airport from an AI resort.

I would tell the person on holiday and say they didn’t have to come back.

You really should be told though.

what do you want to happen

This actually kind of happened to me.

I was on holiday and Mum got took into hospital it was put on the family WhatsApp that we had set up as family had to spring into action. I don't think they gave me a second thought being away, not in a bad way, just operation Mum.

It really was quite damaging for me? There was no way I could get home from where I was without pretty much arriving home at the time I was due to arrive home anyway with expense I couldn't really afford.

Knowing that DNR conversations were happening etc was so difficult. My siblings was of the same mindset as me so that was comforting.

Had the worse happened whilst still there I think I would have needed my older siblings to step into "mum mode" and tell me not to try and come home early etc.

Luckily, it was almost like she waited to see me one more time.

I’d like to think I’d not come home - but then I don’t know who’d tell me as I’m an only child. Irritating but suppose if they can be got to the funeral home they can stay there a bit til I got home.

This is one of the scenarios where it sucks to be an only adult DC. There will be no shielding and nobody else to pick up the arrangements, so whatever I am doing I will have no choice but to fly back and sort things out if a DP dies when DH and I are away.

Happened to me with my dad. Had discussed it beforehand with sibling/mum and agreed we’d be going on our holiday implications we wouldn’t be coming back as we had two kids under 10 at the time and I didn’t think it would be fair to them as much as anything. It clearly spoiled the holiday a bit for us, put a downer on things. Had to take calls etc.

Mum I don’t think is imminently near death but we have a big holiday planned this year that I definitely wouldn’t be coming back from if it happened again. Don’t really talk to sibling anymore and as they already hate me I don’t think not coming back would make a difference. I hate funerals and would rather say goodbye in my own way so if they wanted to just get on with it I wouldn’t really care anyway.

What I'd hope would happen is that you tell them asap and make it clear that there will be no judgement if they don't dash back. There's nothing anyone can "do" given the person is dead but they may feel an urgent need to be with the surviving parent/siblings so may choose to, but no one should make that choice for anyone else and finishing the holiday is fine

Obviously if there's any kind of "notice period" ie the person is,taken very ill suddenly and it seems likely they will die in the next 12 hours then someone should absolutely be given the chance to get to the bedside before the end.

My MIL’s DM died when they were away (holiday home) and they flew back. She died suddenly but she was in her 90s. We’re Jewish though and funerals are quick - within a couple of days.
We had a running ‘joke’ that (more distant) relatives happened to die when we were away, so so we missed a few funerals that way.

Funerals here are within 2 days so someone on a holiday would need to be informed if their parent had died and it would be considered quite poor taste to delay a funeral due to someone being on holiday.

For you, consider would you want to be involved in some of the decisions that might need to be made while you were on holiday?

I was contemplating this yesterday. Dmum in care home. Flaky sister who is a couple of hours away. Next year we are defo going away for 3 weeks ( dd3 finally off our hands). No insurance will cover that eventuality. So, and it sounds grim, I will line up undertaker details/leave details instructions!

To some extent does it depend on how long of your holiday is left as to how you respond, if it’s the first day of a month away it’s very different from two or three days from the end of a holiday and , yes, you may want to support others but it’s not as if you can honestly do anything about the person dying

I told my parents when it happened.

See if you can organise a funeral plan where lots of decisions are already made. The undertaker could start make funeral arrangements after a phone call if many plans are already in place.

I went on far flung holidays regularly when DM was in her 90s. You need to live your life. It’s best to have a plan but we didn’t as siblings not involved. We would have struggled to get back from lots of places. If just 2 weeks away, funerals can be delayed. It’s going to depend how you feel but in many ways, it’s worry over nothing because it probably won’t happen.

If it’s a possibility I would check beforehand what they would want you to do. If completely unexpected, I would tell them but leave them to decide whether to come home. But if you have a preference also share that, in case they are conflicted about what to do.

In some ways not telling the person abroad is the kindest thing to do - if there is nothing they can do or are needed for. Telling someone and then saying no need for you to fly home will just ruin their trip anyway.

I do understand why everyone says they would want to know and in theory I’d say the same. But my parents didn’t tell me when my grandma died while I was a 12 hr flight away and I’m grateful they didn’t. Grandparent not the same as parent I realise.