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Original poster

Your elderly parent die when you're on holiday?

155 replies

familyicons · 05/07/2026 07:17

So im thinking an unplanned death (apart from old or frail) elderly widow/widower parent
anyone siblings or family not tell them until they got back or tell them in the middle of the holiday and expect them to come back? Or tell them in the middle of the holiday and say "stay there nothing's changing".
i'm just wondering, what would happen if this happened to me. Big expensive holiday coming up so obviously I'm overthinking.!!

OP posts:
Clarissaclaire · 05/07/2026 09:03

My mother died unexpectedly when we were away abroad, she was 79 and in a care home. The home called me about 3.30pm in the afternoon to inform me she had passed away, and told me the body had to be removed immediately. Initially I panicked a bit. Where we were staying was rather remote and it proved impossible to arrange travel home at short notice, we only had three days left so we had to stay put.
My daughter back home made arrangements with an undertaker to collect my mother, and I was able to arrange a funeral on my return. It was a fraught situation but it all worked out in the end.

StinkerTroll · 05/07/2026 09:10

When I was about 9 my nan died and my (much older( cousin was on holiday, they didn't tell him, funeral had already harken by the time he was home. I was horrified by this and remember talking to my step mum about it, came up several times over the years. Fast forward 20 years, I was pregnant and on holiday when adored grandad died (not unexpectedly), entire family were all up for not telling me, my step mum all but dialed the number and put the phone in my dad's hand, she told him I'd never forgive him if he didn't (she was right!) tell me. I didn't come home and I missed the funeral but I did write the eulogy, it allowed me to grieve which was very important to me. My step mum is a rock star!

Hellohelga · 05/07/2026 09:25

Motheranddaughter · 05/07/2026 08:16

I would definitely want to know and would come home to support my sister

This. I’d probably leave DH and DC there if it was a family holiday and they were happy to stay but I’d def go home.

Puppylucky · 05/07/2026 09:27

This exact scenario - with a twist - happened to us last month. 4 days into an 8 day holiday my DH received a phone call from his father's care home that he had choked on food, was unconscious and not expected to survive so was being put on the end of life pathway. We flew home on the first available flight the next morning to be told on landing that his father was sitting up and eating breakfast - the Dr at the care home had got it wrong, which is apparently not uncommon when diagnosing very old people (FIL is 91). Having gone through all that stress for nothing I'm really not sure what we would do next time

Brightbluesomething · 05/07/2026 09:32

This happened to us. Mum had been ill for a long time. She died just as my brother arrived on holiday. He spent a few days trying to get flights back but that wasn’t possible. In the end we all said to him that he should stay there and the funeral was delayed until he got back. Everyone was fine with this.
At no point did we ever consider not telling him or holding the funeral without him. That’s ridiculously cruel.

Tralalalalatata · 05/07/2026 09:35

My dad had a fall that was fatal when I was on holiday in a European destination. We weren't expecting it, but I got a call from a sibling one evening and then booked the first flight back.

He wasn't dead at that stage, but the prognosis was bad. I got back to him in time to be with him as he passed - and am so grateful to have been able to do so.

Like PP that night before I could fly back and the flight itself were horrendous. My siblings were sending me frequent updates and reassurances that he hadn't yet passed. I went straight from the airport to the hospital.

Tralalalalatata · 05/07/2026 09:36

I should flag that mum thought I shouldn't be told until I got back as she didn't want my holiday to be ruined. But I am glad my siblings persuaded her otherwise!

Rocknrollstar · 05/07/2026 09:36

We lived with these ‘ifs’ for years as we had four parents and two grandmothers. None of them died while we were away. I agree that if there are other family to start the arrangements, then there is no point in coming back. The holiday won’t be the same (we went away not long after a funeral of a close family member) but there is no point in coming home.

GreatThingsAwait · 05/07/2026 09:40

We’ve a couple of long distance holidays coming up and have a very elderly parent. We won’t return early from our holiday if she dies while we are away. If it’s a few days until the end of the holiday I would be ok with not being told.

Tel12 · 05/07/2026 09:40

In this exact position I felt obliged to tell my sibling. Decided they needed to know so they could decide.
They were prepared to get the next flight home but that wasn't for 3 days. There's no right or wrong here.

MrsSchadenfreude · 05/07/2026 09:46

This happened to a friend of mine. She was on “the holiday of a lifetime” to Sri Lanka for three weeks. Her siblings agreed that there was nothing she could do, and the funeral could wait until she got back. She then told them she was flying to Dubai for two weeks for a friend’s 50th, straight after Sri Lanka. Her siblings put their collective foot down and said no - the funeral would go ahead when she was back from the first holiday, with or without her. She was there with a face like a slapped arse, and left early to get her flight to Dubai…

Garysbirthday · 05/07/2026 09:48

It all depends on you. I was in T3 at Heathrow when my brother called to say my elderly dad had been taken into hospital, i was ready to book a flight back to Scotland but my brother said no he will still be here when you get back. I went away, my brother kept me updated. When i got back he admitted he wouldn't have told me if my dad had died when i was away as there was nothing i could do. It was the right call. Happily i had my dad for another 6 months.

Cyclebabble · 05/07/2026 09:49

Situations vary, but my DM was ill for quite a long period and could have died. This creates a good degree of tension for holidays and makes you scared to go. In reality I think you have to. The rest of your family needs a rest and you just have to try and relax. The alternative might be you do not go away for some years.

PinkHollyhocks · 05/07/2026 09:50

My mum unexpectedly died on the first day of our holiday in Sweden. My sibling phoned to tell me. Said not to bother returning as there was nothing I could do. I was devastated (still am). The "holiday" was a blur. We had an excursion planned and paid for. I sat on the coach with tears streaming down my face. I don't know how I got through it. I've not been on holiday since.

Owly11 · 05/07/2026 09:55

It sounds like you don't want to be told in the middle of the holiday and have to come back, are feeling bad about that, and hoping Mumsnet will reassure you that it's fine to take your holiday and ask not to be told bad news. If the death is unplanned what is making you think of it? Personally I would hate to come back from holiday and find that a relative had died and no one told me about it. If it happens it happens and you will have to deal with it. That's life.

chocoluv · 05/07/2026 09:55

I would discuss it with them first.

I would avoid telling them at all until their last day/when they came back.

Unless someone is dying and there’s a chance they could fly back and say goodbye, then I don’t understand the point in ruining someone’s expensive holiday.

The outcome will be the same whether they’re told during the holiday or after it.
At least if it’s afterwards they can fully enjoy their holiday.

2chocolateoranges · 05/07/2026 09:55

I would want to know, but I wouldn’t come back early. I’m the next of kin so everything would need to wait until I got home. I’d be furious if no one told me.

turkeyboots · 05/07/2026 10:01

In Ireland you'd get on the next flight home as the funeral would be in a few days. But when Grandfather in law died in the UK there was an inquest (surely death at 95 can never be unexpected?!) and the funeral was 6 weeks after his death. So I would have wanted to know, but would have stayed on holiday. And I guess it all depends on your role. If DM died Id be knee deep in arrangements and paperwork so would have to go home.

Blodget · 05/07/2026 10:01

PinkHollyhocks · 05/07/2026 09:50

My mum unexpectedly died on the first day of our holiday in Sweden. My sibling phoned to tell me. Said not to bother returning as there was nothing I could do. I was devastated (still am). The "holiday" was a blur. We had an excursion planned and paid for. I sat on the coach with tears streaming down my face. I don't know how I got through it. I've not been on holiday since.

I'm so sorry, that's awful.

I do think people can be very upset by having such big news withheld from then too. There can be lots to process in feelings of being lied to, however good the intention, and good memories being massively marred in hindsight by feeling it was fake, or by guilt. It's the ultimate emotional situation and grief doesn't have to be rational.

If I had to pick on the fly, I would err on the side of telling the person I think. Withholding the news feels too big a decision to make on behalf of another adult, almost disrespectful to them and their relationship with the loved one. Unless it's right at the end of the holiday in the last 24h or so, maybe.

Himawarigirl · 05/07/2026 10:05

My FIL passed away when we were on holiday in France (during a long illness, but there was no obvious risk at that particular time). My DH went back to the UK and his mum, but my MIL is very unflappable and after a few days made him come back to us, as she was worried about me driving home on my own with the children and there was nothing critical to do at that exact point. So he stayed with her three nights, came back to us for another 4 I think and then went back up to her once we were home.

Original poster
familyicons · 05/07/2026 10:11

Owly11 · 05/07/2026 09:55

It sounds like you don't want to be told in the middle of the holiday and have to come back, are feeling bad about that, and hoping Mumsnet will reassure you that it's fine to take your holiday and ask not to be told bad news. If the death is unplanned what is making you think of it? Personally I would hate to come back from holiday and find that a relative had died and no one told me about it. If it happens it happens and you will have to deal with it. That's life.

I think you've extrapolated a lot from my post! But you know it feels good to have a go with people, doesn't it?

I think I'd want to be told but knowing how my Mum is a matter of fact wouldn't rush back. My siblings would have it all under control and anyway, most funerals aren't for at least three weeks after a death in the UK at the moment.
I'm just interested in talking about it

OP posts:
bowchicawowwow · 05/07/2026 10:14

This happened to us. We came home the next day as even though BIL and SIL had everything under control we wanted to support them with the admin and comfort FIL.

Original poster
familyicons · 05/07/2026 10:17

The thing about this one is it's an event holiday that's costing a lot more than your average!

Interesting as I was with my dad when he died, but then the minute he died there's literally nothing to do for a few days until you start all the funeral admin

OP posts:
Wheesht2 · 05/07/2026 10:18

My gran dies in the late 80s. Nobody could get hold of my mum and she was buried by the time we returned.
My mum broke down at her FILs funeral as she was thinking of her mum, everyone thought she must have been really fond of FIL.

Lemonandlimetrees · 05/07/2026 10:20

Thanks for posting. This is making me think, having two elderly parents. Does anyone know if any insurance policies cover any of this? Can look at mine later.